Nourishment

Bootstrap pulling is a hard deal and there are many days that I think, how long have I been doing this and then I think of the alternative – not being here to do it or leading an unexamined life. Surely seeing my broken friend the other night, reminded me of choices that I have made. Her morphine pump is the result of back pain. At one point, after days of severe pain, I thought of getting Heroin on the street. – I had the money and the means and it was only a matter of a moment’s choice that I could be where she is today. I have a responsibility to tend to the gift of energy, health and a positive attitude.
I have been having a new relationship with my food. I could say it was the measuring cups that I saw in NM, but I think it was connecting to an old food buddy. I still have a beer and go to John’s taco, but it is much more in the scheme of things and part of the plan. I respect food and my body more. Pride in the spontaneous does not have to go by the wayside, it is just an opportunity for awareness.
In my meditation and reflection, I know that I have to put some familiar people, places and things in a different place in my life. Food, nourishment is much greater than what you are consuming into your body via your mouth. I was reminded this week of last May when I wanted to keep the Thai 1 group together and invited everyone to the house. I had to clean up the house, buy and prepare all the food and in the middle of it all, my girlfriend, Lady Dog became ill and I had to go to the vet to retrieve her at the same time I was expecting 14 people to walk thru the door. I had no backup and no one I could find to help. My emotional and physical gage had passed reserve and was on fumes. The very intention of the day, bringing people together, resulted in my feeling very estranged and in retrospect feeling that I was trying to keep a dying horse alive. That night I just felt very alone and depleted. I had overextended and expected some help or at least a little slack. It has not been my history to say, I need help and surely not my history to call folks up and say, I can’t do this, there is nothing left of me. I think that might have been one of the definitive moments of my life, for I looked at nourishment of the soul, of the total bonny.
As my eating is getting more under control and respectful of me, I am recognizing that when we are nourished we know who we are, understand priorities, how we feel and have a clearer awareness of our deep purpose, When I am starving, I don’t respect myself and I am not free to act in a manner that honors my true self.
I am committed to self nourishment – and excited about the new ventures – groups – readings – programs that I have found for myself, I will leave behind some familiar but non supporting people and activities but I truly believe that when we are nourished, we move through life in a steady strong manner rather than when we are depleted and go helplessly reacting to the winds – opinions, actions, lack of actions of others and situations, that blow our way.
I think in the future I will not be wearing boots with straps.