Recap and update

     For months I have carried a little pad for sketching about what is in my physical eye space and jot notes about what appears in my mind's eye.  I had planned to translate the two collections of dots and lines into something coherent to put on the blog.   After #800 I wondered what more there was to say so the motivation has not been as urgent as in the past.  (I must write… someone must read this)

     In looking at the notes, I realized that this had not been easy times for me since my body has had somewhat of a “mind/voice” of its own and has been pounding on my chest to get my attention.  In addition, I began the process of trying to encourage my legs to keep walking despite my past abuse via the plasma and stem cell injections which leave me with ice packs for a day.   It is not just a one-day deal and I must be very mindful so that I am not disturbing the little cells trying to work magic in my aging body to build and strengthen the cartilage.  My heart pounding need me to walk and my cell growing needs me to walk mindfully (no twisting etc.) Just walking has become a “project” and I hate “projects”.

     Also, while on retreat, having had some recharging of my inner gifts of sight/vision,  I reaffirmed my commitment to be of service to others walking through life.  The first time around, when I first saw aura’s and pain in people passing by around my 40^th birthday, I was not able to step outside and remain neutral. I wanted to fix everything and everyone.   Almost drove me crazy since there was so much to see and feel and I begged for relief from the gift.  – be careful what you wish for.

     I was a bit surprised to have the “gift” return near the end of my practice at Chom Tong. Then I found it is not unusual after the work of meditation to see aura’s etc.   So today I find my chest beating rapidly and my mind's eye sees more.  I know that I am called to make some passersby have a more clear vision of who they are and what they can give to the universe so they may have a more meaningful journey and complete their work. 

      Funny to be in Thailand where I can say only a few words… but I have felt a connection of souls with a few people as we have exchanged eye contact.  One woman on the street., I could see she struggled with a sick child at home. We made eye contact for a few minutes and I smiled and she bowed and came forward and touched the bottom of my shirt…..so who knows.   I added her to my growing list of people on my Metta lists to share the merit of my practice.

     I will put more notes on the blog shortly.   

Getting to know me

     This week and next, I will put some energy into paying attention to my body.  My observation so far is that when you are new at something, riding a bike, a new city, a new game, etc. you pay attention.  I think of cards for example.  I have been playing a silly game once a week for much of the past six months at home. It is silly because although you shuffle, you deal out cards in a stack to each player.  Hence, the chance of having several cards in a series is greater than if you dealt in the usual manner, one card at a time to each player.  The mindful player would realize that the top two cards might match cards in the hand of the player to the right etc.  Rather than count cards, the experienced or serious player would remember what suit and face of the card a player was collecting.   The unaware player, such as myself is ignorant of the cards and as it is, most of what is going on outside the conversation stream.

     How often do I change position, take a sip of my coffee or water, blink, scratch my head, adjust my glasses?  Am I mindful of my breath?  I thought yesterday, do I breathe in or out when I am eating.  Why am I not just breathing in?  Is this another example of life is suffering?  If I only took inhalations, my lungs would explode or only exhalations, my lungs would collapse. 

     I move up and down and closer and farther away to ease my back when I type.  I often blink  (It took me a long time to train myself to do that on the computer so my eyes were not dry).  I had an itch on my back, my mind wandered to “shower before class or after a massage?”. 

    Over the many years, I have become so familiar with myself that I run on autopilot.  The functioning body is taken for grant.  I think many people see me as self-sufficient and just moving along without realizing how hard I work at watching my actions, staying on course, setting daily goals, etc.   However, I have not spent time with my auto functioning body and it is now appropriate in the land of Siam, I say to my body, “I’m getting to know you, getting to know all about you.”     

Coming out of retirement

     I am in training for the Olympics of my life. As an Olympian, there is a need to become religious about your program and in any training process it involves the body mind and spirit.

     In the past days, I have listened to the tapes by some of the big names in the health, fitness, and business and see a very clear link.   They all have had some significant adversity, setbacks, faults start (rather than failure) and have used what they have learned to jump ahead and become better.  They all had learned that when you try and try again and cannot break through a barrier, you redirect your energy and take the success and joy of knowing that you quit and stopped banging your head. 

In the week of my return, my energy level has doubled, my weight is on track, and the toxins are slowly leaving my body.   

     More than my physical state, my mental state is more optimistic and energized.  I am committed to not “going home to the place I left”.  Rather than avoid sleeping or negative people, I run my own race, set daily goals, and go for the gold.  Slowly, I am finding that when I am with non-smiling people, I don’t take it personally and know that they can always leave my company and I can still stay my course.

     Before my leaving my non-Olympic life at home, I was passing the time (or wasting time) and now more than ever, I have a long-term vision of when I want to go.  What I have dropped is the desire to make a difference in the lives of people who don’t want a difference.   There are people, places, and things to do with people who could make me look like a slacker.

    Most of all, I want to learn continuously and put into practice what I learn.   I will share what I know and am learning with anyone who wishes to listen to my example, but I don’t have the time to teach, convince, or drag.

    I watch dear friends eating food that is toxic to their already weakened cancerous body, I watch people make weight loss a program rather than a lifestyle, I look at the bourbon bottle tip to dull the pain of non-joyous lives.  Most of all, I watched myself wanting to be part of lifestyles that I know are not in my best interest and which do not bring me joy.

I have a vision of where I am going and it will be full of fun, safe drinking water, fruits, vegetables, organic protein, probiotics, and people who make a contribution and not just take up space.

Bill of Health

I ended the year with my annual visit to the Dr...having had all the test except the mammogram, I came in to our time knowing that my bones are stronger, my butt is clear, my eyes have slightly improved, my blood pressure is again 120/80. Bernard is a one of a kind tall bearded Dr who was wearing shoes that have toes in them rather than a rounded ends, who surfs in Irondequoit Bay all year when there is no ice and who spends our time sitting in comfortable chairs talking about life and adventures. So we checked out a few things, found that my Cholesterol was 188 and out of it all, I needed a little more Vit D. Good to go. I told him about community acupuncture, some of the lesser known canyons and he told me of the beauty of Jordon. In some ways, I am sorry there is nothing wrong since I enjoy his company so very much. He encourages me to keep going and without saying so, do the outrageous. Last year, I asked for a stress test since I did not want poor Page to get stuck with an ailing travel buddy and this year as I think of a month at the monastery and walking my second marathon, I wanted to at least start knowing I was in good health.
So 4000 D’s and I will be ready to rip. As I read my own words I sometimes think, wow, that was not an up writing and I know that many that read are in for the ups, but that just isn’t life. In college I had an ulcer. I was always campaigning for some student political office or leading the basketball team etc., I tried very hard to be “nice” and I was for most of the time. It was in the car, or trying to sleep that I found the rage inside and after years of not eating anything spicy and living on stomach coatings, I came to the conclusion that I needed to get in touch with me. In observing folks, I found that many of the girls/women in my life didn’t deal, they just walked away and many of the boys/men in my life shouted at each other and then did not walk away. I liked that idea. So the more I just started walking up and saying “listen, this is what you did/said effected me” I felt much better. My blood pressure went down, I can eat Thai food, and I am physically healthy.
Buddy Cheryl is often saying, you are in better health today than you were three years ago. That is more than true. Better than I was thirty years ago. I want to keep it that way, so I will make a few tweaking changes and try not to run with the bulls ( my way of saying get out of the community bullshit), eat my own food, etc. Life is a roller coaster – and that is good. I must also remember standing in Tampa Bay looking at some monster ride debating getting my ticket.... when the logic kicked in... the ride only lasted 56 seconds.... I could hang in hell for that long, but if I didn’t get on...I would miss the challenge... so bring it on 2010.