Sometimes I wonder why I write. I open a book to
almost any page and right there are the exact thoughts that I wanted to write…
“Your worst enemy cannot hurt you as much as your own thoughts unguarded. But
once mastered, no one can help you as much “The Dhammapada. How very long
it took me to shift through all the noise in my head to sift out what was mine
and what was subliminal messages from outside. Surely the words of
parents and significant people in your life – lovers, bosses, couches, etc.
come with a megaphone and the sticky walls of your consciousness allow words to
be retained so you can read/feel them over and over as if just said. Cleaning
out the corners of your mind is much like sorting my bookshelves. Some of
what is there, and not just positive stuff, are good reminders and tools for
today, but some such as how to build a program in C+ are really useless
today. I have also found that some of the words have not stuck to the
wall and when they have fallen off, the entire meaning of the words that remain
changed and now they are read not in the context in which they were said which
also brings new meaning. In sitting, old expressions and thought roll
across the meditative mind and in the unemotional observer mind, you get to
say… nope.. you can’t stay words.. not relevant today and this is what is my
experience. There have been deals I have tried to make with life… If I take
this person or opportunity into my core, will the universe make it/them fit my
needs and there have been person and opportunity that I have turn away that I
now have longing to have in my more evolved space. I can see the changes
in my inner thinking and space and I know I will trust to be more of that
person externally but it is easier to follow your pattern and be the expected
self in the universe. I believe I will get the congruent path together
and live a spontaneous, thoughtful, life that is not free of angst but freer
from self-created trauma.
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