Noticing

Most of the time when you walk through a passage from one phase of your life to another, you hardly notice.  It was like looking at my skin one day and realizing that the elastic has diminished and I wondered when I got wrinkles, when did I get old.  I have come from a family of high vain hands…and like my grandmother and father… there they are.. high veins and wrinkles.  As you start to practice life.. and not just run through it…., you become more mindful and conscious of the events and feelings.  I always thought of myself as spontaneous and really worried that I would become some inert blob if I thought about things or someone who had to meditate to make a decision.  Most of the time, it is just a matter of saying a word.   Like when there is fruit in front of you.. an apple an orange a banana… you look and just say apple and recognize that you are eating an apple.  And then you move on and don’t spend time thinking now should I have eaten the banana or many be the orange. Next time, make a different choice.  The big difference is that after the apple is in your digestive track….you know that you ate the apple.  I ate dried apples on a hike one time and then drank a bottle of water.  Believe me I knew I was eating hydrating apples as they moved through my gut for I could hardly walk with the cramps.  So I don’t do that age, I put it in my experience file.  Like most, I have spent a great deal of my life running from meetings, appointments, assignments, events, responsibility, etc.. and having lots of feelings about most of it – I have laughed and cried and regretted and questioned…  and I must admit that there has been a few moments this week when I have said… I have just used the money for three trips to Asia to put water in my back yard… but..it is ok.  That is want is different now.  I know when I am running (the apple I chose to eat is in my stomach) and say.. do I need to do this.. is this what I want to spend my energy doing…I am fussy about putting people into my life.. is this someone I want to spend my time with …can I give something..can I learn something… do I enjoy them or are they just people and places to help me numb out so I can wait for “real” life.  I want to live and be aware that I am living every second and smile at my life and move on to the next adventure.  If you keep your eye on how your think you want life.. you are missing the life you are living.