RECOVERY
About 20 days
before my seventy-fourth birthday, I got an email that had a great impact upon
my core sense of self. This is what I have taken from the
experience.
It has been my practice for a while to get up in the morning
with a fairly optimistic, positive, but realistic attitude about who I am and
what I am doing. For a good part of my life, it has been my experience to
observe that while I was not at the pinnacle in any area, I could hold my own
in a range of experiences. Cooking, trip planning, photos, storytelling,
etc. were a few areas that I counted myself in the top third while spelling,
sewing, and flower arrangements were at the bottom. I had tricked myself
into believing that I had a tribe that when needed, could help me grow by
pointing out other ways in which I could present myself or my creativity. I
listen and give good consideration to comments that are constructive or meant
to help. It took me a long time to share my stories and even longer
to share my photos though I have been published in both since high
school.
I am aware that when you put yourself out there, not
everyone is going to accept what you create as good and might even not like it.
If you want to create, show up, be seen, you will get your ass kicked. It
takes courage and while in writing and photo, I think I am a storyteller; I
accept and admit that many have better technical skills and techniques. I
am ok about anything said about my products but this email was about me.
Cheap shots from the cheap seats presented as coming from an anonymous
crowd. It took the wind out of me and sent me scrambling to my cave for
it felt mean and intended to hurt.
As it was, a prior commitment made me get back on the
writing horse and I was forced to move through “not enough” to “I can do it”
and “who do you think you are” and to get out of my own self-pity and back to
...some people will never like your or what you write.
When you are creative and take a picture either with words
or the lens, you are vulnerable. Fear takes over and piles fuel to your
self-doubt. My little inner child grew up thinking I was a mistake and stupid,
so when a cannon ball hits you, the little one starts to scream... run, hide,
protect yourself, join the foreign legion, etc. that person is right and that
is how EVERYONE see you.
I have just been through a rugged weight loss process where
I ate 500-600 calories a day for 40 days and lost about 22 pounds for a total loss
since I started being aware of my food of 30 pounds. I am still a chunky
person and at this age my skin is not as supple so ... to help me get on with
my creative process, I literally took my clothing off and I wrote naked. I
started with the Haiku and then other stuff and finally the article.
I care about what people think. I see you and hear you that
praise and don’t like what I create, but naked or not, I am going to create and
for today, I am fully clothed.
2 comments:
So sorry to hear that you've been having a difficult time. Hope you know that you are very important to many people, and glad you're not letting this keep you down.
I am much better at giving advice than taking my own still, it's hard to ignore such unkind words....you have have a profound impact on so many people's lives over the years. I still find your advice and guidance in my head even now, 8 years later :) Please focus on all the good you have done and let this negative person fall by the wayside...All the best to you always! Elaine
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