“I am the taste of pure water and the radiance of the sun
and moon. I am the sacred word and the
sound heard in the air and the courage of human beings. I am the sweet fragrance in the earth and the
radiance of fire.” Bhagavad Gita
It is the end of the day. My usual pattern is to write in
the morning but today I spent time learning about writing and publishing and
creating a mind map for my life and my writing.
After my QiKong class, I felt some
energy. I am still trying to sort out
what it is. This week we worked on the
Liver and the negative quality is jealousy and anger. Earlier in the week, a classmate whom I have
known for three years announced that it was his birthday and he was having a
party. I found today that most in the
class have been given the details and when I asked where he lived, he said he
would bring the information on Monday.
The party is Sunday. I had a flashback to being a kid looking in the window
of a party.
I don’t really care to spend time with this group outside of
class and the party man is someone that I have compassion for but even when he
lived in my complex, I was not interested in coffee,
etc. He is on early
disability and I think it is related to his social skills. So why the feelings.
It is times like this that I am reminded what an adolescent
I am. Even
if it is something not wanted, I need to be asked or included.
When I was young, we lived in an apartment where I could not
ask a friend to come and play after school. I was dependent upon the kids asking me over,
or I went to the outdoor area where the boys played ball and eventually got told to be the marker for the scrimmage line,
chase the ball that went over the fence. Sometimes when there was an uneven
number, I got to play.
The girls who occasionally would ask me over to a house
usually played one of three things… school, dolls, or paper dolls of Archie and
Veronica. None of these things
interested me in the least. I was a
dunce at school and the girls knew I couldn’t spell so when it was my turn to
answer a question, it was usually a spelling word. I was in the “first grade” in our
afterschool school for a long time. On
the occasion when it was my turn to be the teacher, I would ask a travel
question which I was told was not fair since we did not learn that in
school.
Dolls were the even worse. I have never jumped up and down about a
baby. Give me a two-year-old who as personality and doesn’t just lay there and look
cute. Taking these fake babies for a
walk or feeding them or changing the diaper.
WHY?
Paperdolls was right
up there with no fun. I did not go to kindergarten
and did not cut well within the lines and who the heck cared what they were
wearing. I hardly cared what I was
wearing.
So the long and short, I was “suppose to want to play with
the girls” but they played stuff that was not interesting to me. I like being with some of the girls when we
talked about something, but the after school play was painful for me. Sometimes I brought a game and sometimes we
played, but mostly it was what this one girl, Karen, wanted to do and that was
that.
I liked the boy play, it was sports or building a fort or
hide and seek. It was motion. We sat all day in school, I wanted to
run. I ran as much as I could and I
loved it. I ran for buses, I ran to school I ran
in the morning to practice running, etc..
So this morning as I sat and took in some air to reflect on my liver feelings, I became very calm and
relaxed and thought about so many things
on my bucket list that I want to do while I am in Asia.
Life felt like it was in a safe space and I got out of my own way.
I am really not interested in spending an
afternoon with these folks and I am glad I did not have to make up an excuse as
to why I did not want to attend.
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