Whose Truth?

            Speaking of someone else’s errors and faults is sometimes appropriate and necessary. When I was teaching it was part of the responsibility to help the students grow in wisdom and skills.  A task for any teacher is to teach so the student can hear and learn and then when they begin the trial and error process of presenting or acting on their new skills, to give some kind of critical feedback.  In swimming, more people had told me that they learned to swim when someone tossed them into the pool.   I have been tossed and I have turned blue.  When I dream of dying, it is often trapped underwater struggling for air.    For me, the method I am learning now appears to suit my needs and style of learning.   So feedback must be just like that… how can something be said that will have meaning for the listener and meet the purpose of the sender.   It is an art.  In my opinion, what is wrong with teaching, people teach the way they were taught even though it was not effective for them.  There are at least twenty-one ways to teach and there are at least that many ways to help someone grow.  

     How do we give critical feedback? Our fear of not being able to do it and until we are very skilled, we tend to push opinion or worse present something in a fault-finding way.  I can see a parallel in relationships.  The skill in relationship clarification is to be able to present what is the impediment to the connection in a precise and efficient manner.  This does mean a long list of if only you were thus or so.  It is always safe to say, ..”when you do…this….. the effect on me is that”.   This lays the information in front the relationship so that some thought can be given to how much adjustment is possible and is the effort worth the reward.   I have always regretted not saying something to a few people and taking the easy way out by just not say anything and walk out of sight and life.

     Before I I walked away, I had long talks in my head that included some judgment of the others faults.  The very fact of my mind opinion was a major fault.  I never regret a presentation of my ideas as long as I present it as an opinion.   When I allow ego to slip into “truth” and present my “truth” as fact, it is not helpful to the other person. 

     The judging that goes on in our heads. It’s amazing. Some people walk around judging everything all the time, particularly when it comes to other people’s faults or what we imagine being faults. All of us do this some of the time.  I know my ego is bipolar.   Much of the time, I try hard to disconnect from my own faults as in my shit doesn’t stink and at other times, I want to beat myself up like a worm who should not even be walking the earth.

     Like everything, there is a balance. The ego’s job is to protect and thus it tries to excluding parts of itself from reality.  A good rule is not to complain to anyone who can’t do something about what you’re complaining about and not to accept a complaint unless you can do something about it. 

     It would be nice if the world were the perfect place but it is full of folks trying to put one foot in front of the other and I respect that.   The key is to observe the path of each person and sometimes you have to know when to hold and when to fold.   Fold with loving kindness and a sincere wish for a peaceful life ahead for them.