799 wake up

     A few years ago, someone asked me how I was going to spend the last quarter of my life.  I usually roll along from day to day with no expiration date in mind.   There are many days during my life that I just spent chasing useless goals or time wasters.   Like looking for my belongings – keys, wallet, glasses, etc. the non-purposeful time was probably close to another quarter of my life.  A  sobering thought.

     I once had a mantra – what do I want my legacy to be.   Somewhere thought hours of dharma talks and tapes and reflections that shifted to who do I want to be and finely who am I now.   Six years ago tomorrow, my longtime friend, Georgette left life and my world. I have an expression; I will hold your coat which refers to a second in a fight that will stand by while the other fights.  I was her second.  She was a fairly introverted person who was not aware of much but her dogs.  If I asked, she would have held my coat, but there is something about not asking and just knowing that when a need arises someone will step up and be there.

    This week was another time when I asked myself not how do I want to spend my last 15% of my life but how do I want to spend my days.   My first purge was just that; I am getting very clear as to how I will not spend it. 

• 1.       Not put more than a few hours a week working to make a community that doesn’t care a better place.   That will be the biggest shift.   I am looking at a project list and saying, what will give me pleasure, joy, personal reward.  The list is very small with most having an expiration date leaving nothing on the list by fall.  This will be the last festival, last house tour, last outreach.   I don’t know who will do it, but not my concern 
• 2.    Not dropping everything I am doing to do something for almost anyone.   I am coming into my own life every morning and saying “ how can I make your life better Bonny.”  I have no guilt; I gave at the office
• 3.   I will purge everything from my environment that does not give me joy and does not make my surroundings sing to me.   This will be a great deal of stuff, and it will be hard but the process of taking care of me so when I come into my house I feel the simple pleasure of my living space.
• 4.    I will take the best care of my body that I can even if it means more time walking on bad knees and drinking more water.
• 5.      I will put my Practice as the most important part of my life so that l live with ease in a middle way – holding my center from the distraction of things that are not on my path and my now space.  This will not make sense to many readers, but it is putting a pause in more often, so I don’t wander into the wilderness of life but stay focused

Last week I had the annual mammogram and got the dreaded recall.   My spirit guides said it is just an anomaly but my inner child got scared and thought of just sitting in the corner and saying poor me.  My adult said, woman, you are 78 yrs old don’t take any medication and pretty much live a great life.  Get over it.   I told five people who either needed to know (2) or who I wanted to tell (2) and one that I wanted to know their experience with surgeons and their process (1).   One stepped up immediately and wanted to hold my coat – come with me for support.  I did not feel I needed that but the thought smiled at me.    The results were as my guides had told me … just tissue and fat cells, come back next year. 

I am glad it happened for it has pushed me out of my own way and I feel I am walking toward a more open, clutter-free life with more mindful clarity.  Now I will need many someones to understand and help me not stray from my path.