Egocentric Karmic Conditioning

When I worked at the nursing home with the demented, they would often put on a persona that the family did not recognize. The daily communicant would be telling everyone to go to hell and trying to get into the bed of some unknown male resident, the person with the history of a barbed critical tongue could be crying and asking where they were supposed to be. The family would comment, “Where is my parent?” and would soon stop visiting for seeing this stranger was harder than the guilt of not being attentive. Often as they were leaving they would say.. “I know that she is in good hands, if you need anything, call me”

Putting down the playbook of the façade of yourself i.e. what you should be thinking and feeling, is a life long struggle with your egocentric karmic conditioning (EKC). When I am able to go naked without the EKC –just show up for life and take what is in front of me it feels like a cool mountain shower and your step is so light you can leap from building to building. Putting on and wearing the mantel of expectation, or fear of having someone see your authentic self, is exhausting and you find you are carrying the weight of someone else’s world.

There is a good and bad to my Asia thing. The good – I am more egoless when I am in an out of my familiar place by myself. The bad – I am finding it difficult getting there unless I am out of my familiar place by myself. I have had a glimpse of what it feels like to be without ego and now the real trick is to be there and have that, wherever you are or under any condition. Just when I was starting to feel like I was “getting it” and found I have a long way to go.

When I put on my mental meditation robe and hit the cushion, I sink into a mindful ego free state and watch the movie in my mind without judgment or expectation. When I am walking or working.. or even doing this spontaneous writing.. I am here now. I don’t reread it, edit, or have a daily theme.. it is just what is coming through me here and now. Sometimes I am stuck and sometimes I go where I have never been.. it is all good.

Last Saturday, when I got into my car to drive back from Buffalo, my egoless self was waiting and asked if she should drive because I did not appear old enough to drive at night, since there was a young girl sitting in the seat who could not remember the millions of terrific experiences and contributions that have been her life. My egoless self was concerned that my there and then would be distracting and I would not be present to drive down the highway. I turned and looked at the authentic me, shining without ego and after a long pause she said... “Who are you”? I knew I had to get back to just showing up to life or my shining self would say.. “I know that she is in good hands, if you need anything from me, call.”