if only we had a button

               There are times that we are just flying around with our head chopped off.  Usually this is after some trauma that leaves us not sure which direction to walk and some times where we are or where we should be going.  In the extreme sense, you can see it on the TV when there is a crisis, trauma, event but it happens in our own life when not sure of our self and have been dealt the unusual.  We can stay in “mess mode” for as long as it takes to get our rudder in the water securely and have direction to our life.         I remember a day when I was out for a midday sail and there was very little wind.  I put a rope around the tiller and dropped an anchor in 60 feet of water.. mostly to slow the boat, poured a tall glass of wine and started to read while lying on the back bench.  The boat rocked like a cradle and with the sun and wine and music on the radio.. I began to fall asleep, but decided not to move and I fell asleep.  Since I have burned the candle and both ends and the middle most of my life.  I was very tired and did not hear the wind come up or the other sounds like waves hitting the shore.  

               I opened my eyes when the boat started to thrash and the cradle became violent and actually ended up on the bottom of the boat when toss off the bench.   I was in a serious storm on the other side of the bay in a 16 foot day sailor with the life preservers in the fore cubby and me the non-swimmer in a stupor as we headed for an overhanging tree in an unpopulated area.  I had to go into survival mode and did not care what happened except to get the boat stable into the wind.  The wine all over the floor the book floating in the wash from the waves one shoe on the floor that I could reach and the other at the end of the bench… I have sailed for a long time so getting the boat under control in the storm was not impossible – I dropped the sail enough to get out of the tree branches and got into clear water so I could pull the anchor up and got myself headed for my house on the bay.  I did a quick inventory of the mess – book lost, glass in boat, one shoe on, anchor line available, fore line dragging in the water, lightning about 2-3 miles away in the direction of the house that as also about a mile away. The fiberglass boat was in one piece but a few dings from the rocks near the tree.  The wind was a little shifty and I was needing to head pretty close to the wind line to make the house but there was a danger of a the sail flying across the boat and capsize.  Just let me get to shore…..    Soon the end was in sight.. and I used every ounce of experience to guess the wind and speed… tied the rudder and jumped up to drop the sail grab the line and jump to the dock.  I had invented some aids on the dock to help me dock alone so eventually I was able to turn the boat and secure it leaving the sail in the bottom of the boat and hop into the house with one shoe.  The chaos took about 20 minutes but the cleanup took months.

               In assessing the damage, I had multiple cuts and lump on my head, a piece of glass I my foot, a sore toe and the boat was scratched, a small tear in the sail, a cleat missing on the runner, the dangle board had been chipped as well as my self-respect for getting into this mess.  I had not been a responsible captain.

               There is always an aftermath to an upheaval.   We make a mess and it takes time to clean it up to get the life space back to order.  Sometimes we just need to clean house and simplify and sometimes we are given an opportunity or trauma which causes things to fly off the shelves and end up on the floor.  I look at the pictures of Sandy or think about the farm when I first started to think, I have to empty out this stuffed house.   It is overwhelming but when it feels the most overwhelming is when you are on your way to getting it in order.  We get impatient, you’re tired, and you want it done with now.  That is when we question what we are doing or if we are making progress.  Take time to celebrate that you made it to shore… that you are on your way and that you have the opportunity to assess what works and doesn’t in a more mindful manner.   As for me… I am down to one room.. and will not compromise my process of picking up every item and saying… do I need this… is this some with sentimental value…if I did not have this would I feel diminished and I focus on progress not perfection. But I would not mind a button to just push and make it right.