Aging vs Maturing

Getting old is easy, it just happens.  As I am finding out it happens in spurts and there is little you can do about moving back from a new level of “old”.  Getting mature is much harder and it takes a long time and lots of work.  When I am at the end of my energy string and someone puts weights on my feet, in my overwhelmed, tired, and “strung out” state, I go back into my old coping bag and grab the familiar.  Recently, in trying to finish a task that I has agreed to do, didn’t believe in, and didn’t want to be doing, only to find that I was working with incorrect information...so  I grabbed my angry bag and started swinging. There might be righteous indignation involved since I did not need to put the time into the project had I knows the accurate rule of the task and I took time away from my rest, doggedly doing the project, the mountain of tasks that were on my plate that I want to be doing was staring at me.   I got angry.  I felt like someone did not respect me or my time and just abused me.  Then I got angry and abused myself twice.  Once by doing the task and once by the anger.    It was useless and stupid to get angry.  It wasn’t going to change anything and if I did not learn the lesson to walk away, cut my losses, put miles between myself and what was taking my energy, I was going to remain stuck. It is just not worth it.   My other lesson learned is how people see me.  I have had input from a few people recently who have presented a picture of myself that I don’t recognize.  I need more time to meditate about what is my stuff and what is the observer’s projection.   I miss my lifelong friend for she was always a good neutral voice when I was thrashing ideas.   So I will listen to the sound of silence and take better care of my maturing self.