friendship

I have spent some cushion or should I say chair time to look at friendship.  I thumb through photo’s over the years and see so many people whom I spent time with and could not image that they would not be in my life as long as we were both alive.  We laughed and played and had some great times.

 But then the shadows have come; you lose a job, you are down on your luck and worse, you're not sure you can get up one more time.  There are more subtle things like you say or do something you wish that you had not done or said

 When it is dreadful both emotionally and physically, you think of what you can sell or who you could ask just to be there when the lights go out.  And when they do, you realize that you are alone in the dark and quiet.  You are alone with yourself.

You sit and listen to your heart beat and know you are alive.  For me, sitting in the dark, I thought about all the things folks said about me or to me that pointed to error, mistakes, missteps and I put my label on … less than, flawed, not worth the trouble.  I listened to the replay of everything negative and thought, of course who could be a friend to someone like that.  I understand why they walked.

I also tried to think of those that I had bailed on……………………………………………..   Some moved out of range, and we slowly lost the daily conversations that keep it close.  A few dear, ones are not on this earthly plane but in my daily thought and so much a part of my steps…. And very often I hear myself say…Oh.. they would enjoy or I wish you here to see this.

Ready this it all sounds very sad, but I want to tell you, I have honestly met a good friend.   I the silent time of meditation we conclude that friends don’t walk when there is an “issue," but they also don’t just store it away.   Friends put the good the bad the ugly the success, joys the accomplishments on the table and looked them from every side.  When quietly reviewed, there is not much difference between the success and the missteps; it is all life and learning.  Nothing is to be judged or labeled.   Friends accept each other knowing that there will some head scratching and some smiles.  

I came here to deal with some words said to me that I was a bully. In looking at this from all sides and I can see that it would not be easy for a passive person to accept or understand my passion or energy and it requires some effort for me to read someone who moves slowly and can remain on the outside of the life circle.   I am not bad, and I don’t see the bully, the other person is not bad.  Like everything, the more diverse, the richer life can be.

I like myself.  I am enjoying my company.  Happy to have someone to walk with occasionally but ok walking alone.  I can’t think of anyone I would rather go through life with and I think I am once of the most fun people to be with in almost any situation.   I don’t life recklessly but I am not afraid of a little stretching of my experience.  And my tenacity with the swimming is clear proof that I don’t quit and am up for a challenge. 

I am sorry for the loss of some people that have walked away, but I don’t feel badly about myself. That is their choice but my door is always open to anyone who has walked in and out.  And for those that have stayed… hold on to your zipper… we are in for an adventure.