Know what is best - reflections

     I met a person in CM that has the same name as one of my sibling/cousins.  She even looks like my cousin and has many of the attributes that I remember when I was younger.  I am not sure if it was the history of the family having little extra when they were young or what but many of the crew, particularly my father, had a great desire to see that you are getting more than you need or should have to eat. 

     My father was famous for making enough pancakes for 40 and then standing with a flipper full and saying, help me out or these or they will have to just go to the cat – pooky. That was followed by “why not” and my response was greeted with “don’t be like that”.  When I was 15 and struggling to keep my weight off, this was very difficult. Since I could not leave the table, I would start to get very angry inside and eventually, take the stack, pour a half container of syrup and end by saying … “satisfied” to which my mother would add, “don’t be that way”.

     What brought this to mind was my recent visit to the new friend who wanted to order dinner etc. and I had a flashback to my cousin and my visits to the house after I started working, in my 20’s.   A visit always started with “what can I get you to eat” with my response “I just ate at home but stopped over to see what was happening with you”.  The visit ended with me eating a big piece of blueberry pie with ice cream.  I never liked desert and hated ice cream until I was in my 40’s.

     The family saw me as a hostile angry person who was obstinate. And I probably was since I was clutching my identity which did not match the family profile.  They were Republican – I was a Democrat from 5^th grade on, Catholic and I was reading Robert Merton during the service, don’t get involved and I was marching, etc.   But the food thing that was a big issue and remained so until there was no more family.  I would try to stand my ground but would eventually just do whatever to stop the barrage or leave.  It was never smooth and never respectful that I knew what was good for me and my body. 

     Knowing what you need is not an easy task.  I am spending time in reflection and mindfulness and as my meditation practice is expanding, I am getting a better handle on how to take care of me and know what is true for me. I know this will mean leaving some people out of my life and adding some new experiences.  In examining my speech, I am trying to shift to “what has worked for me” rather than “you should” or “that would be good for you” etc.   Respecting each other’s path but respecting your own path and needs is tricky but possible. My truth is not yours and yours is not mine.  We each have to come to our own place.

    I think today if I were to visit my cousin, I would go without eating and expect the pie… but please hold the ice cream.   I knew what she was going to do since she was very predictable and I know what would please her… so.. win win.