The other day at breakfast, I was eating by myself at the Blue Diamond, and a woman in her late 50’s early 60’s came into the second dining area and stood in front of me. I was eating and thinking about my day. I noticed her because she wore her hair in what I would call 1940’s style.
Twirled around in a circle on the front and side of her head. I can’t say I have seen that style outside the movies. I was just finishing my meal, and she called back to others in another room and said “there is a table for four in the garden. We can eat here”. The wait staff cleared the table, and in a few minutes two men and another woman came into the area and sat at the table. I got the sense that she thought whoever picked the table had made an error by not selecting the one in the garden. In fact, three men, who were geeks and were playing video games just left. I noted that two of them had extremely skinned left knees, and I suspected they overestimated their motorbike skills.
In a few minutes, the party moved into the garden area, and three of them sat down. I was slightly lost in thought and was trying to think if I should do this or that or go there or there etc. when the woman with the hair moved toward my table and as she got next to me said in a louder than stage whisper…. “smile it is good for you.” Pause. To be honest, I didn’t know what to do, or think, or act.
To regress. When I was 18-20, I had an episode of Bell’s Palsy. I try to smile most of the time, but when I am just sitting and relaxing by myself, it is noticeable. My mouth goes down on the left side of my face. When I was working in Buffalo, I would often be at the desk working on vouchers, and other tedious tasks and co-workers would come and say .. why are you so mad.
This woman does not know me, my story, my concerns, my ups, and downs, etc. and yet, she felt it was her responsibility to make her life better by having me sit there like a Cheshire cat. I was not doing anything but relaxing, chewing my food, and thinking about my day at my table by myself. I was stunned. All of my Buddha meditation, mindful resolve was out the window… I could feel the steam come up from my toes, past my weak knees, my gut, my chest, and pour like lava out my ears. I was ready for battle. Who the hell is she .. etc.?
Well I would like to say, I let it go… (back to the cushion), but I paid my bill and she was looking at the toothpaste. I walked over and said, “thanks for speaking to me about my smile” … “you reminded me to stay out of others business, particularly when I don’t know them or their story and they are not affecting my life”. I didn’t feel any better. She laughed and I left and here it is days later and I am still trying to put it into context.
Yesterday, I went to the folk-dance show and took a lot of pictures which I posted on Facebook. I often do composites of several cropped pictures since I want to get a sequence or collection together. The person who was with me at the show without a camera said she doesn’t like the composites and wants to see the whole picture. She also wanted me to change my posting so she could have access to my pictures. NOOOOOOOOO My camera My pictures. My way… don’t look if you don’t want to and buy a camera so you can take your own pictures.
I see the two events very similar… I am just being me… but others think that I should be someone else or different, so their life is they way they want it to be…. I am an ornament in their horizon.
I also see the way I reacted. I felt they were taking over my way. By reacting like I did, I gave them more power than they deserved.
So… I will regroup and practice my no response response. The funny thing is that I see myself as one of the most smiling people in CM. I nod my head and smile to everyone on my street, to the scooters next to me, to all the people who provide me service. I hug many and over tip.. etc.. I slipped into defensive rather than just taking the information in and saying ….. so..
No comments:
Post a Comment