Eleventh Day

 Wow, it is easy to slip into a similar pattern to what I had at home. I produced a plan to change many things - delete more emails, eat healthily, get enough sleep, write, sketch, take a few classes...and what has happened is the same old same old with a few new twists and turns.

Ok., 11 days out of 120, I still have 109 to go, and I will consider this the coasting into phase.

There is a great deal to say about a sparse, simple room; you get out of it. My new digs invite me to stay, linger, and noodle the time away. Up before dawn to watch the Bills - might as well play cards as the score clicks along - have a cup of tea, read the Sunday D&C. Lay on the bed and watch the motorcycle races... two TVs, two ACs. 

On Friday, I begin a month of no carbs - (I haven't told Leo in the beer bottle yet). There is a pool out my window and down one flight of stairs - two bathing suits in the closet and the pool is perfect for walking—101 excuses as to why I have not been wet or worked out in the exercise room.   So, I am making a list of a few things to do and accomplish and put into a habit -

I will plan the day - MIT's most important things first - habits second - meals third and put a timer on when I am doing "busy" stuff - email, surfing, etc. I just checked off another of the 4156 weeks in my life.

I have made a little progress. I have unsubscribed to twenty more sites and kept my email bin empty.  

I have posted something on Facebook so folks that worry know I am alive

I (Bruce and I) have booked a trip to Laos for Jan 6 to 10, and our mandatory visa run - I hope my visa works.

We have tentative plans for the circle-around CM ride and a scooter trip to Pai. (80 miles)

I plan to go to the Nest and will try to go to Nan with Cheryl.

The teeth work has started - root canal accomplished. Now two crowns.

I have been to the art store three times and had three massages. I have eaten in different places every day except Joey's three times and booked for TG dinner... so not too bad. Onward to the new week and new leaf.

Has it only been since last Tuesday

 It feels like I have been here - as in out of the country, in Thailand, and in my little living space for a long time.   When I reflect that I left on Tues spent 40 hours en route and it is now early Sunday, it feels like a long and brief time.  

    I haven't been all over the city but around the usual route of the old city and you can see some things are gone but many are open and doing well etc.   Some big missing places are the large plaza and music hall.  Hard to believe they would scrap such a wonderful place for music, but I never saw it's even one-half filled.  

    At this moment, Bruce and I are on the second floor, but he is scheduled to move to the 7th(top) floor over my room on the corner.  The back of the space overlooks trees and the side looks toward the mountain.  There are some silly things like a four-shelf shoe rack.  I have my usual sneakers, my water shoes, and my flat-foot-toe space shoes.   The rack could hold fifteen pairs. 

    I have participated in a meal at Joey's, Blue Diamond, UnIrish Pub, and Coffee/Ice Cream place.  Today I hope to do Bake and Bite for Breakfast and I'm not sure about dinner.  Tomorrow I will start intermittent fasting, water walking some weights, and the dentist.

    Went to the plastic store and got a basket that is bungeed on so brought home two gallons of water last night

     Bruce is doing great on his scooter. Getting around the mote and through the traffic like a champion.  It is easier with two bikes, and we can do longer trips more easily.

I am going with the art group to Lampang on the first weekend in December.  I have done nothing with a pencil in an exceptionally long time. But it will come back.

    I will be more regular with my journal blog.  Watched the local election stuff - Jeremy and Jackie made it.  Looking at the US from a distance, it is hard to see democracy but more a continuation of the privileged and the have-nots. sad.

ARE WE THERE YET

 A very frustrating day.   All about money and planes and anxiety.   Hard to relax and be calm. I know Bruce feels the same way.  When I used to do canoeing every once in a while, when I was carrying the canoe from one place to another over my head... the no see ems or mosquito would get under with me and there was nothing to do but keep going.  I would try to not react with the thought that if they just take a little bite and leave, the sting will not be as bad. Sometimes that was true and sometimes not.    

    It started with the Thai Visa, then I got double billed for an app, and I can't reach a vendor to suspend my service and got a bill for a service that was not mine.   I will take the attitude that nothing else can go wrong.  That is not always the case.  Sometimes this is just the prequel to something greater.

So, it has taken me 5 1/2 hrs. today to get the car wash, Sirius, and instant ink suspended for four months...   And I got the lift folks to cancel a pending charge that was not mine.   all of that will amount to about $500.

I got my car to the garage and bike stowed (thank you Karen) and the garage owner to know that the car is there.

I am now cleaning the refrigerator, almost packed, Jim's many dozen scones made.  I will take a nap from midnight to 2 am then shower, load the car and roll down the driveway at 4 am.  and it is all good.  With much good fortune, the bags will be checked to Chiang Mai, I will see Bruce in Tokyo and we will both forget what a hassle this trip has been.

40HRS AND 21 MINUTES SOUNDS LIKE A WORK WEEK... BUT IT WILL GO FROM 6AM ON NOVEMBER 8 TO NOVEM ER 10 FLYING ACROSS 12 TIME ZONES.

PRE TRIP NOTE

 Getting organized.  It is a little scary to feel like I am in great shape to go with things at home in pretty good shape.  I know I can buy about anything in Thailand but a bra, but i want to go feeling i have what i need and will be comfortable and not lacking essentials..

this is the paste from Penzu   This is a test of transferability to the blog. 

now off to complete the prep.

GEARING UP FOR THE ROAD TRIP

 The plan for the trip will be to blog in the evening so I have time to pull my notes and photos together.  This is just the getting-it-ready posting so I can send the link

quiet day

Observe the wonders as they occur around you.  Don’t claim them.  Feel the artistry moving through, and be silent – Rumi

     I have begun to try and cull out a Day of Silence.  As my day of fast, it must start in the evening of one day and end the evening of the next of it could not be done.   My original plan was to take Monday, but then my massage was moved, and the sketch school and sketch group pushed the acupuncture from Tues to Monday.  I had hoped to make it a consistent day.  The reality of connections, expectations, and commitments has made it so that I must review the week carefully and put in my day to accommodate other schedule demands.  I have missed a few weeks.  

      When I return home, I will start with two days a month, the first and third Monday and see how that goes.  I will commit to that but Dr, dog, Jim, etc. might require some flexibility.  My alternative will be a full day within the designated week.

     I grew up in a silent house.  At the time, I thought my mother was weird.  Everyone else that I knew lived in a noisy house – kids yelling, radio/tv blasting, etc.   In our house there was my mom and I – not even a cat.  We had little to say to each other most of the time and had very little interest in common.  If it were not raining, I was outside when the sun was shining or later did not come home from school or college until late.   Mom had some commitments – Girl Scouts, her friends, craft things and when my Dad still worked, helping him.  She did all the household stuff – cooking, laundry, cleaning – all I had to do was stay out of the way and take care of myself.

     I learned in High School that I could not concentrate with the radio on in the background – so sound was left to folding clothes, cleaning a drawer, etc.

     When I was a pre-teen, I loved to walk to the river and just watch the water, sky, boats or trains go by.  When I was at my aunt/uncle’s cottage in Canada, I would sit for hours and watch headlights come at me. 

     I was never a reader.  Everyone in the family and extended family was into books.  They could sit for hours and read.  My Mom was also a knitter and could watch a little tv at night and knit.

     When did we lose the joy of just sitting and our tolerance for quiet? 

     The first thing folks ask me when I say I am going to Thailand by myself…. won’t you be lonely.  What will you do when there is nothing to do?  I have always been able to get someone to talk to me…simple, just ask them about themselves… Most will go on for hours but only a few will return the question and ask about you.  Getting connected is easy.  Getting connected to someone you want to know more about and share some of yourself with, not so easy.

     Most people appear to not want to be alone with themselves…. hence lone-li-ness and thus the fear of solitude.

     I hope when I go home and have my two days, there will be no clock so that I eat when hungry, the meal I am hungry for, go to bed when tired and get up when rested.  

     I can’t write…. take a photo that has meaning… or draw when my mind needs to think of words. Even meaningless chatter to accommodate someone else wondering what you are doing, and can you fill my space with chatter so I don’t have to just be.

    I will end my quiet day soon.  I did go to acupuncture, stop at the art store, take some pictures at a Wat and answer two short emails and a text, but it was my day… happy bonny

a year later

Someone passing through my life at this time has been looking at this blog.  I scribbled for 800 entries and then switched to my personal diary on Penzu.   Stimulated by someone else making a comment, I will put a few of my own musings on here.   Note - I do you spell check and Grammarly, but if I spend real time making this publishable, I will delete and go back to my personal recordings.  So for those of you who just read what comes from my heart.. thanks.

I have been doing some reading about aging. Think birthday 80 in November pushed me a little in that direction.  Other than some heart concerns, I am fortunate to have my mother's health.  Even after her stroke at 90, she was sharp and interested in life and did not miss a trick.

There appear to be two major things that I believe I have developed, which the researchers feel is the key to enjoying life as the calendar says you have been on earth a long time.

Conscientiousness - I want to do whatever I am doing to the best of my ability and better if possible, and I take obligations to others to heart.  My Mom once said I was the most organized, unorganized person she knew, which made me very time efficient. - I plan my day and select my 3 MIT ( most important tasks).

Openness - I love trying new things, and I look for new ideas and new ways of doing things.  When I look at people who are slipping mentally, I often find the complacency to do the same thing. Again, my Mom said - if you want to stay young, keep getting younger friends.  So, I meet everyone I can and try to learn something from each. It's essential to surround ourselves with new people—young people—and to try new things. While some folks might think it is risky for me to be pushing a scooter around, I don't think it is dangerous, and I will not do dangerous things, but new things.

Change - I am not sure everyone needs therapy, but I do feel we need to be open to examining our lives and make changes when it is necessary and appropriate.  It is easy to get stuck and accept - can't teach an old dog a new trick.   By staying mindful, creating some silence to hear your heart sing, and being present in your life - the need to make some shifts float to the top of your awareness.  Grab on... it is exhilarating to wake up and still get excited about the adventure of knowing yourself in your now world. 

Recap and update

     For months I have carried a little pad for sketching about what is in my physical eye space and jot notes about what appears in my mind's eye.  I had planned to translate the two collections of dots and lines into something coherent to put on the blog.   After #800 I wondered what more there was to say so the motivation has not been as urgent as in the past.  (I must write… someone must read this)

     In looking at the notes, I realized that this had not been easy times for me since my body has had somewhat of a “mind/voice” of its own and has been pounding on my chest to get my attention.  In addition, I began the process of trying to encourage my legs to keep walking despite my past abuse via the plasma and stem cell injections which leave me with ice packs for a day.   It is not just a one-day deal and I must be very mindful so that I am not disturbing the little cells trying to work magic in my aging body to build and strengthen the cartilage.  My heart pounding need me to walk and my cell growing needs me to walk mindfully (no twisting etc.) Just walking has become a “project” and I hate “projects”.

     Also, while on retreat, having had some recharging of my inner gifts of sight/vision,  I reaffirmed my commitment to be of service to others walking through life.  The first time around, when I first saw aura’s and pain in people passing by around my 40^th birthday, I was not able to step outside and remain neutral. I wanted to fix everything and everyone.   Almost drove me crazy since there was so much to see and feel and I begged for relief from the gift.  – be careful what you wish for.

     I was a bit surprised to have the “gift” return near the end of my practice at Chom Tong. Then I found it is not unusual after the work of meditation to see aura’s etc.   So today I find my chest beating rapidly and my mind's eye sees more.  I know that I am called to make some passersby have a more clear vision of who they are and what they can give to the universe so they may have a more meaningful journey and complete their work. 

      Funny to be in Thailand where I can say only a few words… but I have felt a connection of souls with a few people as we have exchanged eye contact.  One woman on the street., I could see she struggled with a sick child at home. We made eye contact for a few minutes and I smiled and she bowed and came forward and touched the bottom of my shirt…..so who knows.   I added her to my growing list of people on my Metta lists to share the merit of my practice.

     I will put more notes on the blog shortly.   

why I come to Thailand.

"     It is a silver morning like any other. I am at my desk. Then the phone rings or someone raps at the door. I am deep in the machinery of my wits. Reluctantly I rise, I answer the phone or I open the door. And the thought which I had in hand, or almost in hand, is gone.
     Creative work needs solitude. It needs concentration, without interruptions. It needs the whole sky to fly in, and no eye watching until it comes to that certainty which it aspires to, but does not necessarily have at once.
     Privacy, then. A place apart — to pace, to chew pencils, to scribble and erase and scribble again.

     But just as often, if not more often, the interruption comes not from another but from the self itself, or some other self within the self, that whistles and pounds upon the door panels and tosses itself, splashing, into the pond of meditation.
    And what does it have to say?
    That you must phone the dentist, that you are out of mustard, that your uncle Stanley’s birthday is two weeks hence. You react, of course. Then you return to your work, only to find that the imps of an idea have fled back into the mist."  Mary Oliver

     Why do I come to Thailand    -  I come here to try to get control of my time only to find that it is I that is the waster of my precious seconds.  I think as you get closer to the end of your clock (continued aging which appears to go on with or without you), you come to be more aware of the limits of your energy and linear time.
     At home, I can just not answer email or the door or a letter or the crowded calendar that has a mind of its own and keeps pushing things into the already overcrowded little box call "today".
      It is 12:45 on a Wednesday midday and I have had coffee and have looked at the screen for hours.   Ok, I did some reading about foods and research and a lesson in my sketching school and set my most important tasks for the day.  Who says I had to be up and showered first.
      I don't do well with meditating first thing.   My little evil twin that lives in my thinking thinking thinking keeps telling me what I should be doing.   So if I get most of the stuff done - including taking my vitamins - the imp takes a break.   (I am working on a little cartoon of the individuals that live in my thinking home - annoying, calendar, should do demon will be first.)
      I am a "start and don't finish" reader...    I look at the 40 books on the kindle... very few get farther than 40-60% and most more 25%.  The diet stuff I skim to the what I can eat and say... interesting... I can give up bread, peanuts, and soy and slow down on beer and wine, but tomatoes, eggplant not so sure.  So I read another book and have found a few that come close to what I like to eat.
      I just started "Becoming"...  her two girls will be married before I get to 100%.  And that ok.  Who says we have to do something this way or that way.  In most cases, if I look at the to-do list of a year ago, I only did a few things, and everyone and everything went on.
      No to go back to why I come here... it is to regroup, set priorities and parameters and who knows maybe year 12 will be the charm and I will truly do only those things that are required to keep me alive and bring me joy. 

to a poet 1/17/2019

Easy to love you when you make me smile

                                         Boost my ego

                                        Overlook my denial

Easy to walk when things are wrong

                                         Harsh words

                                        Tuneless song

Compassion, loving kindness are they just there

When confidence, calmness and nowhere.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

For the past few years, I have been in Chaing Mai for Thanksgiving and have eaten at a little bakery that celebrates the day in what they must have seen on a Hallmark card or movie.  There is turkey, beef, pork stuffing, sweet potatoes, green beans, and wonderful deserts. 

In my memory bank, I have several eras of the day with family and several variations of the day after there was no family home.  The later was usually with friends or family of friends or people who thought I should not be eating alone and invited me to their home even though I did not know anyone and some of the folks kept asking “who is she again” as if the family were the losing ticket at a homeless shelter raffle.

In the days when there were at least a few family members at the table that were blood relatives, this day and Christmas was rather similar.   Whoever the cook was, except when it was my father, looked like they were candidates on a beat the clock show.  There was always something that was forgotten… the stuffing in the turkey, the raw potatoes on the back counter, and if I was lucky, the green beans that either had bacon, or little onions, or crispy onions on top etc.  Whatever the presentation, not my favorite.   When I was very young, my grandmother was the cook who was also doing pies, and rolls, and something for the meal after the meal.  She had a “bad ticker” and often had to take a sit-down break to get calm.  When my aunt cooked, everything had a dash of lemon since Women’s Day said it added flavor.  Unfortunately, the same flavor to everything.

When my father cooked, and he was a very good cook by feel i.e. no receipt you cleared the kitchen, my Mom fetched whatever he needed, and he whistled.    The stuffing was never the same but usually had sausage, onions celery and his “special secret” (poultry seasoning) never giblets.  Everyone knew that if I did not see the bag of inners in the trash, I was not sitting at the table.

When my grandfather was alive, no one spoke (except me) unless a conversation was encouraged by grandpa.   I did not see him the way others did, so I would just babble and ask questions and wonder why just grandpa and I were having a conversation.   Never alcohol and when the meal was over, everyone was busy in the kitchen with the take-home bags for those in attendance.  Several relatives just dropped in for dessert since they had another family to go to, or just could not take the times of silence when I was eating.  When the meal was over, I found a corner and went to sleep. 

  

When I was in my teens and my father’s family was not alive, we would drive to Toledo and my mother’s brother Medard’s farm where I was greeted by aunt Gertrude’s wet kiss on the cheek.   She made hustle, bustle, and anxiety an art form.  No one said she had “ticker” trouble, she just would get red in the face and run back and forth between the kitchen and stove etc. as the chicken with the head off (she also butchered and plucked the chickens).  I think I was at the “kids” table until I was twenty.   That was ok, my second cousins were also there, and I did get to know them for at least a weekend occasionally.

When not invited as an orphan to someone’s house, after there was no even remote family, I occasionally helped at a food kitchen or went to an Indian restaurant.  Indian places are open on most holidays reserved for family dinners. Jim, the housemate, and I have gone on Christmas and New Year’s Indian when he did not get an invite to a friend’s home. Many times, we were the only ones there.  That dinner had nothing forgotten, no hustle bustle and I did not pray the meal to be over soon.  In the end, I went home to no dishes and no real memories of family, chaos and all.  

My life

In the months before I left home, I did my very best to rid as much of my "stuff" from my home as I could.   As I looked around as I was leaving my home, I know I can do much better and I really don't need as much as I have kept.   I think I will call that effort, goodbye stuff 1 and my next effort goodbye 2, and probably my final effort... hello minimalist 1.
Here I live in a 13x15 foot or about 200 sq ft.  not including a 6x4 foot bathroom and a 3x5 porch.  They are selling 300sq foot tiny homes for seniors here in Thailand for about $24,000 or $60K fully furnished and upgraded.   I don't consider this tiny.   My squatters place in BKK with the padlock was tiny.  Could not stand next to the bed to pack.
Even here I have more than I need but not more than I think I want.   This is what my "settled in" look is like after two weeks.

First...I start my day with coffee...Last year I saw them brew coffee in this little gadget and purchased one at home and brought it with me.  I bought some good coffee and put it in one of my plastic containers.   I also brought the measuring spoons from home.  I could have guessed at the coffee amount but once I had it correct, I wanted it consistent.  You put the filter and coffee in the bottom plastic part with the coffee in the very bottom and then pour water to between 3 - 4 on the measure side and then put the plunger in the top and let it settle.  some of the coffee slips through as you are doing that ...but ok.    In about a minute or two... you push the plunger down and bingo - start your day and computer with a nice hot cup of freshly brewed coffee.  note dead mouse in the background and new mouse in front.  My lamp from last year.  It is LED Neo and emits no heat.

 I also have the making for tea, either in the pot seen behind the plastic coffee holder or in my little single cup tool.   -  see too much stuff.










My desk is busy....  nuts for snacks, lots of pencils for sketching, my watercolors and stuff - scotch tape, paper, calendar book etc.

Messy... in the top area are maps and papers I will need, some reading.. snacks, pencils, supplies and pencil cup with highlights and pens etc.  In the back is my little Buddha guarding it all.
The rest of the room is pretty simple.. a place for shoes - leather, sandals, and rain boots - with the backpack I will need for retreat.  and clothes - hanging shirts and pants, a shelf of underwear and t-shirts left bottom  - my white clothes for retreat and on the right bottom... laundry bag and empty water jugs for toting water from the reverse osmosis machine. I keep my camera stuff on top shelf.

One of last years best addition to my stay here stuff was the water container.  I will take three big jugs of water but best, I get a cup or water cooking at a time via the faucet.   super handy.




Because I take many vitamins and supplements, I brought 150 days worth of stuff...The top is a single jar of my daily stuff - it looks like alot but pretty routine - low dose asprin 81 to keep my platelets unstuck in my constricted heart valve. Hypo D for everything (I started taking this my first trip...after every meal and never got sick) complex k, D3, Buffered C (with calcium and magnesium), tumeric, Methylation Assist - related to my DNA composition, and Ashwagandha - for my brain.

The beds over here are a little hard for me. I like firm, but a slab is too firm. I use a mat and an air mattress and I only sleep on half the bed...so might as well use the other for laying out my clothes and packing the purse.  I have a night stand next to the bed for my pj's and stuff for my knee and my step cell heart stuff and meletona for night.

 Organizing my travel on the bike bag is the most important part of the operation.  My bag has a front compartment - cell phone, and a back zipper compartment - small purse for coins and inside zipper compartment - wallet and a main open bag- day glasses, night glasses, readers, book, pen and nose wiper/glasses cleaner.  The keys are hooked on a clip in the inside or on the door chain.   goal - never look for glasses, wallet, nor keys.














I have a shower/sink/toilet outside off of the porch.  That is it.   My bike is underneath me on the ground floor.  Pretty compacted.  My schedule is pretty limited - acupuncture and massage are my only real appointments.   This week - Chi Kong 

week one 2018-19

My goal for this trip is to get my habits down, so I don't spend time looking for planning or catching up on things.  I can tell from my Luminosity that I am not as sharp.  Unusual for me, I have actually taken a few names. 
I have made my initial trip to the Rimping and purchased a few things like a cutting board, tea, and ground coffee.
Making coffee in my coffee press has been a challenge, and I have cleaned the bathroom several times.  But, after three-four tries, I have made coffee successfully that is pretty good, and the room is not full of coffee pot drips.
My first long ride, as in three hours, resulted in a few pictures.  So I am now taking shorter trips to a destination so I can pull in what I see and try to get some interesting shots.  So far a few are ok in my view.
This temple is outside Mae Rim on a side street off the road going to the Queen's Garden.  Henry told me about it, and it is now one of my favorite.  It does appear to have a  large group of monks living three and some good $ supporting it.  Very well tended. It was chore time, and many monks were out and about the grounds sweeping and hauling leaves.



They must have been a thriving Wat for a long time since they have many temples and in the one, about 25 monks in wax or bronze.  I liked the hiker.

 "Lent" just ended so many people go to the temple to put up lanterns or flags as a sign of merit.  I love the colors.







 
There is something so pure about the monk shoes outside the Wat as they are vacuuming inside.  There are very few people here, so the buzz of the vacuum has a definite rhythm.







When I was about to leave, this very happy nun went to the little stand where they were selling the banners and lanterns.  She picked up some silver flowers and looked so very proud.   There were folks there taking her picture, and when she saw I was also about to take a shot, she turned an posed ...   I immediately thought of Fr Alan from CH... the same ...I see myself beautiful and essential.... attitude. And I smiled.

the story starts

I really enjoy traveling by myself.  Not sharing space can be very liberating.   It is hard to believe I have been here only a few days... looks like I am set up for the duration.  I have gotten into the bin habit with small bins for art, misc and pencils

I was very grateful for the tethered mouse I brought just in case.   Thought the computer was broken.

Went to the Expat breakfast this AM and met Dr. Gregory Frazier who has driven a motorcycle around the world six times.  Since the earth is only about 25% land I wondered how he managed.  Well, you can get a scooter on a plane but easier if you just by various bikes and leaving them scattered about. He has several  book (The gasoline tramp) s about the adventures and does a blog  www.rtwmotorcycleadventurerally.blogspot.com.

800

I started this blog in August 2006 as I prepared to go on the first trip to Thailand.  In the twelve years since this is the 800 entry. Since that time and I have journeyed to the land of smiles 11 times.  The first trip was three weeks and this year will be 149 days or just over twenty-one weeks. That was three dogs ago -Sparky, Lady, and now Max.  During the years there have been many readers, and I have switched from being a commentary to philosophy or some might say lecture - with more pictures and as time went on,  fewer pictures and more talk.
My plan as I go forward is to be more pictures and stories about the pictures and some pictures of my sketching and maybe even some of my return to poetry.  We shall see..   so this is the last of the life journal and the beginning of New Day....

799 wake up

     A few years ago, someone asked me how I was going to spend the last quarter of my life.  I usually roll along from day to day with no expiration date in mind.   There are many days during my life that I just spent chasing useless goals or time wasters.   Like looking for my belongings – keys, wallet, glasses, etc. the non-purposeful time was probably close to another quarter of my life.  A  sobering thought.

     I once had a mantra – what do I want my legacy to be.   Somewhere thought hours of dharma talks and tapes and reflections that shifted to who do I want to be and finely who am I now.   Six years ago tomorrow, my longtime friend, Georgette left life and my world. I have an expression; I will hold your coat which refers to a second in a fight that will stand by while the other fights.  I was her second.  She was a fairly introverted person who was not aware of much but her dogs.  If I asked, she would have held my coat, but there is something about not asking and just knowing that when a need arises someone will step up and be there.

    This week was another time when I asked myself not how do I want to spend my last 15% of my life but how do I want to spend my days.   My first purge was just that; I am getting very clear as to how I will not spend it. 

• 1.       Not put more than a few hours a week working to make a community that doesn’t care a better place.   That will be the biggest shift.   I am looking at a project list and saying, what will give me pleasure, joy, personal reward.  The list is very small with most having an expiration date leaving nothing on the list by fall.  This will be the last festival, last house tour, last outreach.   I don’t know who will do it, but not my concern 
• 2.    Not dropping everything I am doing to do something for almost anyone.   I am coming into my own life every morning and saying “ how can I make your life better Bonny.”  I have no guilt; I gave at the office
• 3.   I will purge everything from my environment that does not give me joy and does not make my surroundings sing to me.   This will be a great deal of stuff, and it will be hard but the process of taking care of me so when I come into my house I feel the simple pleasure of my living space.
• 4.    I will take the best care of my body that I can even if it means more time walking on bad knees and drinking more water.
• 5.      I will put my Practice as the most important part of my life so that l live with ease in a middle way – holding my center from the distraction of things that are not on my path and my now space.  This will not make sense to many readers, but it is putting a pause in more often, so I don’t wander into the wilderness of life but stay focused

Last week I had the annual mammogram and got the dreaded recall.   My spirit guides said it is just an anomaly but my inner child got scared and thought of just sitting in the corner and saying poor me.  My adult said, woman, you are 78 yrs old don’t take any medication and pretty much live a great life.  Get over it.   I told five people who either needed to know (2) or who I wanted to tell (2) and one that I wanted to know their experience with surgeons and their process (1).   One stepped up immediately and wanted to hold my coat – come with me for support.  I did not feel I needed that but the thought smiled at me.    The results were as my guides had told me … just tissue and fat cells, come back next year. 

I am glad it happened for it has pushed me out of my own way and I feel I am walking toward a more open, clutter-free life with more mindful clarity.  Now I will need many someones to understand and help me not stray from my path. 

798 just another Sunday

     It started last night when I decided to be a good housemate and leave a flashlight out in case the power was out when Jim came home from work.   I know there at least 5 good flashlights in the house, but this one had no bulb, and this one didn’t work because it had gotten corroded.  Finally, I cobbled together one good one and put a candle next to my bed that I could use with my cell phone if the lights went out.   At 4:15 a little brown dog came running upstairs and jumped into bed and I could see the red light on the TV so I had power in addition to a wet dog… all is well.

     It is Sunday morning and I have the honor of sitting with a small about three miles away.   I looked out the window and could see a frozen car, frozen steps, and frozen porch.   It would take me an hour to get out of the house and in a vehicle that was drivable.   So, I opted to sit at home.  It is my regular time to sit… 9am.

     I moved my chair, but on my shawl, and set my timers….   My throat was very dry, so let’s get a glass of water before I poke the timer.   Mistake.

     On the dishwasher was a note, the garbage disposal is not draining.   I quickly added, and the water is backing up into the second sink.   Roll up the sleeves and run the dishwasher… it is working fine.   Now the great scavenger hunt beginnings.  Where is the plunger for the plumbing?   I have a big house and big basement and before I left, everything was moved so I could caulk the windows.   I asked the spirits of the house to help me locate the plunger.   Presto and with about four pumps, the water was gone, and I was back ready to meditate.  

     Since I had to take the plunger back down, why not bring up the paws melt and start the melting of the porch and walk.   Ok… back to sitting…

     Oh yes, the water.   I reached into the refrigerator to get the water bottle and tipped over the apple vinegar which had a non-screwed on cap and the apple vinegar went everywhere in seconds.

So roll up the sleeves and prepared to clean and wash down the refrigerator.   Well if I am doing the refrigerator why not the freezer.   And if I am doing the freezer, why not the stove.   So, four hours later, the ice has melted, the refrigerator and the freezer are clean as a whistle and I know exactly what I have in the house.   The filter for the exhaust fan over the stove is clean as it the stove…..   It is four hours after I was going to sit… and I am hungry.

     It is now 9pm and I am going to sit.  And it is all good.

797 - getting old

     I had a friend who said one day while looking at the skin on his hands, “oh that is how it happens.”  He had to explain and show me that his skin was less elastic and had more wrangles.   I started to watch my skin, and while I also try to have a sauna, a massage, and put some oil on my body when I am in the sun, it happens.

     The skin getting crinkly is less of an issue to myself since what I look like is less important to me than how I feel.   I have been very blessed with good genes and two parents, while different, both were driven by purpose and energy. 

     They were old when I was born, Mom 35 and Dad 45 but I saw them as more active and busy and purposeful than most of the other parents in my group.  Mom made cookies for everyone and Dad was ready to drive the group to camp, or ball games, etc.   I have also been active and busy and pushed myself to do more than most.  Even last year, at the festival I was still moving barricades in the morning. 

     The trip home from Asia this time was not easy and at the end of the final coming home process, the luggage arriving five days after I left Asia, I got a cold.  First, it was in the head, then the nosebleed period, and then the coughing and coughing and coughing.  I felt like someone had opened up the drain to my energy or I had put on cement boots.  Every step was an effort.   I looked at stuff that needed to be done and sat and watched the news or the DIY channel.  Making my food was an effort.  Going up and down the stairs was an effort.   

     I tried to set the timer for 25 min of effort toward sorting my clothes and would end up sitting down.  I went to a concert and started to cough and ended up coughing continuously for 45 min while I tried to walk down East Avenue toward my car.    I got into the car coughing and said, Grey Goose, you have to get me home as if the inanimate vehicle could understand.    I was sick.   I don’t get sick.

     I napped.  I don’t nap.    I ate what I could get a hand on and then it tasted like cardboard.  I stood at the bottom of the stairs and thought these 18 steps are no less than walking the El Comino.  The wrinkles on my hands were nothing compared to how old I felt without energy.    I thought of some of the folks that I worked with as they were aging.   My friend Elmer would say to me don’t make me go to the dining room, I am too tired.   You can do it, I would respond.  And he would use everything he had in his reserve so as not to disappoint me. He was tired and felt too tired to try.

     For almost two weeks, with my bladder not happy with my continuous coughing, my eyes running, my nose bleeding, my energy depleted, I knew what it was to feel and be old.

     When I got some homeopathic stuff from Dr. O my chiro, I started to sleep at night, my nose dried up and my cough moved to my upper chest.  My bladder was happy, and I was no longer having to change my clothes or think of depends… bonny was coming back.

     I finally figured that getting old was one thing and getting sick was another and maybe getting sick when you are getting old is the third and worse.   I move slower, and I plan more so I don’t have to backtrack my steps, but for today… I am giving myself an appreciation of being able to get up and go to the gym and try to keep what I have.

Let it go too tired to correct

I am thinking of buying a parrot and teaching the bird to say “Let it go”.   I was getting depressed last night with my travel experience and initial community reentry.  I was wondering it this was sign that I should give up phone and internet and go live in my basement.  95% of the things that create a need for the “Let go” are things just outside my window in my community because issues never have an end.   It is also interesting what others think I should just “let it go”.  Like the woman who put her opinion and face into my great solitary breakfast with the smile it is good for you.  I eventually let it go, but it made others upset.   Sometimes I think I pick things that will not get me into trouble, like telling a friend to grow up or a community leader they are a micro manager…etc..   The snap back of the rubber band hurt on that while my opinion is just that my opinion.  One of my neighbors, a therapist, said when she want’s my opinion, she will ask for it…..  I had a flash back to “seen but not heard”…or “only speak when spoken to” – dinner table rules at my grandfather’s.   I wonder if any of the let it go people with the smile issue would be ok if some stranger walked up to them at work and said…. You are so ugly you owe it to the world to go back home.   

I spent from 9pm Rochester time Monday until 8 am Rochester time Thursday trying to get home.   I get to Boston and no one to take transfer bags….Let it go.

I get in the boarding cue and there is a delay… another delay…and plane cancelled.   There are TWO PLANES A DAY AA TO ROC.   So booked on early morning plane

Take your 100 pounds of luggage with you,.,,,,,,   Let …..it        no can’t do that.  My stem cell meds to control my extra beats are in the lungage…but I just can’t go get it and take to the motel and then back.

Please do something.,…..ok   so they gave me another set of tags… I now have 4.

Get to the Double Tree with the voucher.   In the Best Western… the 327 was at the far in of the hall…. In this motel 502…. Is almost in the next building…   ok… walk walk walk… but they give you a cookie.  Let it go

They don’t take airline vouchers for food…surprise…. Syr is play BB tonight so good… get a take away club sandwich and fries…two beers  about $40…it is Boston now CM….   The fries were from lunch..let it go..the sandwich had so much mayo I could have spackled a wall… let it and remake it…  

Turn on TV….. no Tru (syr playing on Tru)…ok watch news…. Only news channel working  FOX – does DJ own Double Tree.    This is not happening.     So called the desk….engineer came…yep  you have a problem….new cord… Rachael but no Syracuse.  Let it go

As I am drinking my beer rapidly since I think…room is warm…mmm    checked     79 yikes    Put thermostat at 69…..nothing…and the heat is coming on every 2 min.   I go out in the hall to get some fresh air and the service man is walking by… I can fix that…   I know he thought dumb old lady….after 10 min… this is so messed up I have to reset the whole thing….   Yes.,… it took about 45 min to get cool since no windows to open….and my beer go hot.   Let it go

 My phone says there is wifi…but I can’t find out where to put in any code or anything.   I gave it a good try…and then walked the length of the hall down to front desk…. It’s because you don’t have explore or your chrome is messed up… is this your first phone… so he was going to fix it……    when he finally stepped out of the area…I grated the phone and did what I thought he was trying to do… and boom…wifi     let it go

I get to the room and get a long text about can we do anything to make your room stay life eternity more pleasant….and the greeting was  Helen…can we do any…..  I just sent this is Bonny…. And Cassie sent back…. Ooops sorry.

The van leaves at 5am… I board at 5:55…. I think the next step might be rent a car if I miss the plane… so I got a cab…and he said where are you going… Roc….. term B36… two planes a day to Roc…and always  B36.   I just knew that his cabbie from Morocco was going to get me there and deliverd safely.   I had a 15 min secure ride to regroup….let it go.

I use my dinner voucher for a $14 egg sandwich and coffee…and go over to wait.   Pilots and steward look seasoned…..so I am in a great let if go place… almost home.

I look up and one of the staff is handing the dreaded red tag for your luggage to be put in limbo land for the trip…. NO not happening..  So I say, I have expensive equipment in here… and last year when they put it down below and we did not even leave the airport it took almost 7 hrs…   Well I have a jacket and a thai bag… I can get three lenses, one camera, one laptop, mouse and connector, and tablet into something… I start to use the jacket and the woman airplane baggage handler said, we can’t let you walk outside without a jacket…so put the jacket on.   Mistake… I said, I would rather sit in luggage rather than put my equipment there.   So I started master packing all of that into my Thai bag along with my earphones.   I walked up to the desk and said to the person who appeared in charge…and said I just want you to know, I am not trying to cause any issue, but one lens is $1000 and you will only insure these bags for $250. 

 Should have let it go……wrong thing

We have a responsibility to protect our customers and you appear to be upset and out of control…(oh oh  I think not, I thought when I pick you up you little midget and toss you through the window…that is when you might want help.)….I will not give you any problems… I will get the gear onto the plane and check the empty backpack at the gate..   He basicly said… I will be watching you.    His name is Mr. Wells, I have his picture, and someone will hear from me… My concern was valid we could have done something and I thing I might have been able to smoosh the bag under the seat….   

I am in group 8… they call 1 2 3 4 5 6 7.    I was not going to move until they called 8… everyone was on the plane… the desk looked up and here I am standing.   He was about to say….you again.. when the one woman remember she had not called 8 but all of the 8’s were on the plane.   She called 8..,.. I move forward…. And smiled… have a great day

You might think that is the end.

Nope..   when I got here, I had repack the packpack to walk out… Joe was there.. last man standing… we went downstairs….   There is an the empty luggage rack…all quiet with one red suitcase.   So I walked to the door and the baggage person said… Bonita Mayer…. I’ll be with you in a minute.   You see, she was helping a passenger who also put his carryon down below…and some how..form Boston to here.. they lost it.

So when I stepped up… your bags were not on the plane.    Let it go

She took the info where to deliver etc.. and at bout 5 I got a text….1 of your 4 bags has been located.

I only had two…. Let it go….

Status:  Two bags total weight 96 pounds,,,,  someplace.    Don’t ask me if I will fly again.  Like childbirth…in time you forget. 

795 Perspective

Perspective

Getting out of Penny’s Place went smoothly.  Why would it not?  They are lovely people, the housekeeper is lovely, the guest all have a story, it is quiet, and I can have the time to stay in touch with my inner self.   The uber driver was efficient, the check-in person with Cathey got the luggage tags correct – thru to ROC and confirmed my Hindu Vegetarian meals. (I find is the safest on long flights). Got my three boarding passes and thru immigration is seconds.  Last Canyon Coffee..

The flight to HK was good, I listened to my Ajahn Chan teaching audio and two hours went zip (Already knew no TV).  Got through immigration in HK and found a cart for my backpack and purse… and an elevator to second floor…  88HK $ for Popeyes….ok ok but I just did not want noodles.  They did not post the gate for a long time…waiting for Boston to open for international arrivals.  Gate 3…hip hip.   Watched Churchill, Billboards, Murder on Orient Express, and a sexy French movie with subtitles.  Two meals…and few westerners…I ate my Hindu, and the others ate noodles.   My seat was the envy of all.  Only one on the plane…second row, aisle…with nothing but aisle in front of me.  Three toilets for 2/3 plane and the many of the noodle folks were taking a long time ….I was #11 in line.. and was using my mental vision powers to think of the desert or sand or some dry condition, so I did not focus on … I really have to relieve myself.

Shot through customs… only had to put my passport though once. Two bags came out…and the cart was free in Logan.

Problem.  No check-in person for the transit bag. Lufthansa was arrogant and non-helpful.  It is now going on 11pm and tired and expecting this to go smoothly.   I tried calling etc. and finally a supervising person came thought and said.  No one here go to info.    When I got to info, I was not as patient as I could be, but she said nothing, and so I repeated my request…and her response ..be patient, I am trying to help you.   She could have been playing video games.  If she would have said… I’ll see what I can do… I would have been quiet… but assuming her silence was to convey she was in action.  I will think of how I can do this differently.  But I was 19 hrs. in the air and tired.   Info lady got three people to help me, and they found someone else to take the bags rather than tote to the motel.  I admit I used the I am old would you do this to your grandmother.  I think info lady would or she did not like her grandmother, does not like her job and should not be in the people business.   How is that for judgmental

Problem. Called Best Western.   No shuttle – airport closed.  The line for the few taxis was long. Someone shouted best western this taxi and then suggested I crawl under the metal rail to get to the cab.   I am tired and forgot I had the backpack.   I laid on the metal bar of the fence for what felt like hours as the many passengers pushed the backpack under the top rail and my sausage body was free again to stand up.   This is not the time to think this is a hysterical position to be in…but I would have given my socks for the video.   11pm,snow-covered roads, tired, the line of passengers and this short chunky 78 yr old woman is trying to push the body and backpack under a 2-foot opening.   I laugh not writing about it.   Shared a ride with a woman also on the HK flight. Fortunately, she knew where she was going and got us to BW Adams.    $40 each was a little high, but what the hell and in a storm grateful he was out.  Check-in…ok but pub closed…nothing open – watched the news and ate my last Blue Diamond cookie and passed on the caffeine tea. 

Problem.  Some where along the line I lost my folder with the hotel info and my page of passwords.   My guides say… it is in the trash…  I will trust that but there is nothing I can do except watch that no one tries to get into my account and charge too much.

I have a 10am  shuttle ride to airport…so I want to put a few things down…ooops, there is someone waiting at the airport and could I go early… fine.     Now at airport.

Story One – As I waited at Penny’s, a guy who lives there but I have only said hello to…( there are about 7 long term non Asians in the building) .   He rides a bike and carries a blue backpack.   So as I am leaving and both waiting for the Uber, we chat.  Has taught English all over the place – Africa,  Kuwait, etc. at the high school and college level.  From Canada, but has been on the road for about 20-30 years.  Twice a week he is picked up by songtow and taken to an animal rescue operated by vets without boarders at Hong Kong.  He goes from 9 until 2 and walks dogs.   His favorite can climb a 6 foot chain link fence. His love of the dogs was apparent and his joy in this “job” was on his face.   He lives a simple and happy life.  He was a very good looking man who appeared to walked away from his ego and was just a nice addition to life.  He also made staying longer.   He doesn’t want, is not asking for anything, stays simple, but we ended up talking Robert Frost and that if anything happens, we are fine.  I look forward to my return and more connection with Kevin.

Story Two – As I was munching my scrambled eggs, Tate tots, and bagel this morning.  A woman with a cane came in and sat down with her coffee.   I watched her fight with the creamer container.   I feel that I fight with the plastic bags and container all the time.  Earlier coffee container for the in-room coffee and the plastic around the ear buds.  I did not offer to help, but smiled at my identification.  The clean up person (don’t tell DJ….she is Spanish speaking), Elsa Breakfast said the tag.   I asked if her last name were breakfast… she laughed and the coffee cane lady laughed.  That was my intro so I asked if she got to the motel because of the storm.   Well yes,   her house just down the road about a mile was flooded by the storm.  I asked which river and she laughed and said …the ocean.   Her hair needed a comb and she had what my mother would call kmart sweatpants.   We talked and her sister and brother-in-law who lived on the first floor lost everything.  She lives on the second floor but had to farm our her 12 yr old white dog and three cats.  We talked of the stuff we collect and she said, the only thing she missed was her dog. She is trying to find senior living and the city is paying the bill at the motel  This is a real safety net for this woman who lived in the house for 30 yrs and now in her late 70’s is living in a charity situation in a motel.  I wanted to jump in and fix it…  This is only a tip of an iceberg of a bigger fix.  Many people are doing ok… getting by .. and then comes the tidelwave… and they are on the other side of the poverty and needy.   I just returned from riding my scooter and massage and smiles.. and and and.   Thank you for my life choices that allows me to be were I am.

Story Three – the van driver has been working for Best Western - $11 an hr, no vacation, no insurance, no sick time for five years.   He also works at a nursing home part time.  The Best Western was recently purchased by a foreign company and they put a governor in the van to monitor where they go and how long it takes them.  This was his straw and an insult to his integrity.  He is also working at a nursing home part-time with some benefits and it is time to change.  He has a wife and kids and when there is a storm and he does not work, no income.

Story Four – There are two stories here,  first the bar tender at the airport bar.  This is par-time for him and he works at the Marriot for the other job.  He was the first employee at the downtown Marriot and is not their oldest employee.  He met the Marriot senior and junior and for his 25^th yr, they gave him a travel card for anywhere in the word.  The Marriot has recently acquired three more chains.  So he and his wife take a nice expense paid vacation each year.  Two men, same age in the service business.  How are they treated and what is the impact oneself worth.

Story five – I sat next to a woman eating a bagel and having a bloody mary.   My kind of woman.   She has a road warrior look about her and so to pass the time we engaged in conversation.  If you show some interest in others stories, it is rather amazing what you share with someone connecting with your life for a very short time.  Many times it is with people that would like to know the rest of the story…or give me an update in a year.   Sarah, was one of those.   In reality, there is no way we will probably ever connect again.    We both are only children and had older parents when we were born.   Maybe what we might have thought was not such a great think gave us some traits that maybe common with children from this environment.  As an old child, I had to learn that not agreeing with your friends and having an argument doesn’t really mean you will never talk again.  But it also gives you a sense that you have to pay attention to your life, have some integrity and maybe you grow up thinking I need to take care of me.  We both grew up Catholic and both have very strong work ethics that has lead to people seeking us out for employment.   She is 32 and is on a good fast track at her company as director of project management.  She met Jake 30, which I assume is for Jacob on Harmony  and both knew the moment they met that they were good life travel mates.  My guess is he is a CPA since he is Finance Director in his company and she has her MBA.  They both work long hours but have a plan for not working forever.  There was something solid about her and while she has been great strides toward integrity and respect, I get the feeling that she is just beginning on a long road to helping others be a little kinder to their work staff.  She is the kind of person who would do a great service to teach others the stuff that is needed beyond the technical work of management  - beyond the work spread sheets and how to help people be kind and be all they can be.

Story six– my story is not over, but I have much to take from the people I have met in the last day plus.  I have much to be grateful for and as I said to Sarah, tell people who grateful you are to have them in your life and on your shared moments in time.   The plane will board in an hour.. I need a coffee.