Dan

In the early days of silent movies, there often was a scene that involves a damsel in distress tied to the railroad tracks.  Usually, at the last moment they are rescued by some cowboy in the white hat.  I imagine that if there were to be a movie where they were not rescued, there would be a time when  you know the train is coming but somehow you don't think it will arrive.  When these pictures were taken during my first trip to Asia, Dan was already in treatment for a serious blood disorder and already doing alternative medicine. That trip was a very strange gathering of folks since most of us did not know each other, but were students of the same yoga teacher.  Beth and Marty along with Rick the teacher organized a trip for us to go to Thailand and Cambodia to do yoga and learn a little about the culture. In that we spent most of the time in small huts doing yoga in a Thai elementary school fairly isolated from the world, we got to know quit a lot about each other.  My first one on one encounter with Dan was on our trip back from acupuncture.  The session was very intense for me and I believe I would have circling the moot to this day if level headed calm Dan had not directed the tuk.  Four of us opted to stay overnight at the elephant camp, which was a memorable experience. When we returned Dan gave me a call and we had lunch when he gave me one of my favorite pictures of myself which I first found my Thai hat while walking the Sunday market in Chaingmai.  Dan was a wise and carrying gentleman  and will be missed by all but particularly his loving wife Ellen....a tip of the glass to you my brother..

Out of the cellar

Crawling out of the cellar is no fun.   Everything has a purpose…and opportunity to learn. It is hard to remember that when we are face down in the mud.  And oh we want something, someplace, someone to pick us up and clean us up and make us whole…. The bottle, the lover, the new travel destination, job etc..  The hardest thing we do as a friend, lover, or parent is stand and watch our love struggle.  The challenge is there as a challenge and if we jump in and rescue… it diminishes the universal gift of opportunity to learn.  Life is simple.  Each person, alone, as a soul, comes to this world with a mission to love and learn and become all they can become.   We grow up with the tale of the “white knight” or “fairy godmother” making it all better..fixing it…. No Cinderella…this is your life.  It is your cup to be half full or empty. We are given people, places, and opportunities to experience life so that we can become our soul’s purpose.  It is great when you have someone to walk with you for a long time down your life path… to bounce your quiet moment ideas with.  Someone who does not take away your doubts, but helps you find the solid ground so you can think clearly.  A true love waits and encourages and does what they can to bring you resources, materials, people etc.. but then steps aside so you can walk your own path.  Cheer leaders do not play the game but encourage and help celebrate the victories and the losses.  Be grateful for all the support, big as a mate or small as a person passing that smiles, that comes your way to help you remember that you are never given more than you can handle.   You just may have to step back and handle life in a new way. Your choice.  

Change

When did it happen?  I have embraced the concept that nothing is permanent but when does the change happen.  There feels like there must be a subtle psyche war with unconscious karmic conditioning  clinging  to behavior patterns while doing a life walk on the slippery slide of ever present cosmic change.  Over time, you develop patterns of behavior often just based upon, this is the way you always do it and you continue to just do it. Sometimes you even cling to painful thought patterns given to you by a parent that you don’t want to carry, but you do.  As your thoughts start to say walk left and your continued actions pattern take you right, you have conflict.  It is sometimes painful to give up what is comfortable and familiar even it is a tack in your shoe.   

My mother was a Catholic, my father was just a good man who according to Sister Mary Theophane, my second grade teacher, was going to hell because he was not Catholic. I went to Catholic schools, from first through college and often daily Mass when I was younger.   Some place along the line I started reading Thomas Merton and his connection with the East and meditation.  After college, the dogma that was presented at Sunday service such as meditation opens your mind to the devil as well as what I saw while working with the poor and socializing with the elite were in conflict.  I understood the feeling of anomie – I was floating along with the same practice but not buy it and becoming increasingly angry .  I came to feel the philosophy and precepts of Buddhism made sense so I guess I became a Buddhist, stopped the Sunday façade and over time became more compassionate.

When I look at my skin and see wrinkles and less elastic bone covering, I wonder, when it happen.  Thousands of cells had to decide it was time to “go left”.

I went to grad school to learn to be a change agent, social work.   I studied human behavior and techniques for helping people change their lives. I provided hundreds of examples, life choices, and multiple avenues for change.  In the end, it was the person getting up at 2 o’clock in the morning, staring at the face in the mirror and saying, I am not going to do this anymore.  The Time has come.   

Saturday night dinner

There are always two ways to look at any situation – half empty or half full.  The perspective makes a great difference with your psyche and yet it is the same amount of water.   Last night, Saturday night, after I had gone to an arts gift sale, I took myself out to dinner.  Since I was alone, the hostess sat me at a very small table for two crammed in with other tables for many.  For a second when I sat I thought, gosh I wish I was eating with someone – anyone or better yet someone special.   Now, the Distillery is not a place where you look longingly across the table with wild anticipation of physical exercise to come later: it is a sports bar.  Ordering my draft, salad and cheese quesadilla I decided to say….gosh, I don’t have to have a conversation with anyone but can spend my wait for the food time, observing those about me.   I did a quick glance and picked four tables to watch and observe.  Having taken speech reading to compensate for my hearing loss, I was able to pick up a few words from across the room to get some idea of what was going on at each table.

To my right was a table of three adults.  Two were mid 40’s and had dull clothing and hardly spoke.  The man hardly looked up from his fork to mouth process and the woman only offered a few words.  With them was an older woman with a bright red sweater, white turtleneck, and some jewelry.  She was nursing a beer, eating a salad and carrying on a conversation with the two lumps on the other side of the table.  She reminded me of my mother, since it was apparent that she had thought about what she would wear that night rather than just letting the clothing fall on her.  She was very animated and did not get discouraged by the lack of interest or conversation.   She noticed me watching the table and I smiled with her returning the smile.  When she finished her beer, the man took out money from his wallet and put it on the table and walked out.  His apparent wife followed turning to be sure Mom was getting her coat on etc.   When the older woman left, she turned to me and said….have a great evening and I thought she might have thought it was she and I that were really eating dinner together.

At the next table was a young man, 16-18 who was just staring at the table that housed 6 others dinners.  The others were exchanging conversation with no awareness of the lad looking at the table.  His eyes were almost closed and he looked like he could cry.  When they others finished, they all got up and left and I will wonder if he made it out of his sadness.  I was glad to be alone.

That table was replaced by a table of five and couple and a woman with two children.  I use the word couple very loosely.   They had gold bands and sat next to each other and never said a word to each other.   The woman looked out the window and the man tapped his fingers on his wrist.  They will probably stay together but neither wanted to be there.  This made me pleased with my dinner companion since I like her and don’t have to fake being engaged. 

The last were two women eating together.  The one facing me was what you might call “plain” but she had a scoop neckline, her hair pulled back, glasses and was animated about everything she was talking about.  She had on a wedding band and was very engaged in listening and contributing to the conversation with her female friend.  She was happy and I thought she is making everyone in her life happy she is in their lives.  I would have liked to join that table.

As for the two couples… they reminded me that my glass was more than full…especially not being at their table or in their lives.

Slow Motion Meandering

I spent a day in the car driving to a place don’t usually go to and to do something very strange for me – I went to Watkins Glenn to buy yarn.   This use to be my weekly drive to see youth I was working with who lived in a few of the 20 counties I serviced.  When I was making the trip, there was only one wine store and a vineyard and now it was fence to fence wine, hence the Finger Lakes Wine Trail.   On the way down, I stopped at a place for lunch and could not get my head out of the flashbacks of the area, the kids I worked with, the judges, the police, and the coworkers.   Even as I took the paper place mat, turned it over, to make a few notes, I thought of how many times I saw my father at a business lunch, when Mother and I were along to chat with his staff person’s family, take the place mat and start drawing out what he was trying to get across or thinking out a new invention.  As I was paying the bill, the wait staff commented on my scarf and one said, she always wanted to learn to knit.  I know the scarf is great and it is definitely the terrific yarn.  You want good stuff; you start with good stuff and make it better.

I saw Lincoln this weekend and was fascinated by the relationship between Mary and Abe.  The in your face, speak your mind woman and the quiet story telling deep thinker.  Okay he married her because she got “knocked up” but in spite of it all, it looked like it worked for them.

Leaving a relationship does not happen overnight unless someone just shoots someone.  Usually there is not a breakup, as in a crack or snap.   It is more that the water boils over in the live pan because you can’t stop the bubbles of discontent from growing or you just live with a slow boil sucking the life out of the water until the pan is dry.  Not with a bang, but a whimper.  You mark the slow leaving as the “day” you broke up but you know better.

Keeping careful attention on your relationship water is very important.   While every now and again it is terrific to have the heat turned up to full boil, but most of the time and what make for long term, is the slow motion meandering where you share what each aches and long for in life. It is feeling that comfortable and safe enough in each other’s space to tell the other something you have hardly been able to tell yourself and know it will not be judged.  You cannot be committed to someone who turns a face way from your life in and out because they are afraid to face their own demons in the night.

I thought of how many days I drove that road knowing I was going to spend the evening with someone very special in my life sharing demons in the night and yet knowing that tomorrow, I would drive back alone.

Meditation made complex

I read once that anyone who had an hour a day, half hour in morning and evening, did not need to meditate.   It is the rest of us bloke  that can's quiet our minds under the stress of family or lack of family  and job or lack of job etc. than need 10 min. to just settle in... slow up and breath.  You can shave the 10 min off by not making brain surgery out of what to wear to work or have for breakfast.  Some of us have perfected pessimism, procrastination and negative thinking... but get over that and try this.
Get up...say hello to the universe or whoever has ended in your morning bed.
Light a candle.at your alter, night stand coffee machine or wherever you can spend 10 min. ... make it a smelling one... or lit a non smelly and incense.
Take a shower and let water jun on your head to get your blood flowing so your eyes can focus.
Return to the candle.. sit - on chair or cushion...set your timer for 11 min.  set your gaze about 5 feet away... and start to breath slowly while counting to 10 on the out breath.

you can do this..

at the end, set your intention for the day...

or

spend another day letting the world beat you up, running around not getting much done..

My Thanksgiving gift to you

Short Cuts

When I was teaching, I taught a class in which you were guaranteed an A.  If your GPA was down.. this was the chance to shine.  It you had never gotten an A...here it was a guarantee. Of course there was a catch.  You write the paper, I grade the paper with comments and give it back, you rewrite the paper etc...  You could do it as many times as you wanted until the deadline date.  So, if you were a good student and a last minute person you were ok but if you were not a good student, you probably proved that "how you do anything is how you do everything".  There were about 70 students in the class and I believe I remember only about 5 of them wanted to do the work to get the A.   I saw a phrase someplace...it is ok to want the moon as long as you are willing to get over your fear of flying.  You can't get from here to there without effort.  I am at the bottom of my house tasks.  A few more tasks outside and two large tasks inside.  When I don't know what to do with something or don't have time to tend to proper stowing, I put it in the basement or in my office.  I brought home stuff from the farm as well as replaced stuff in the house and it is now waiting for decision day stack with other stuff in either the basement or the office. I am grateful I don't have an attic. .  I will get new windows installed at the end of next week and they must get to the windows so things need to be moved in the office.   I am reminded of my own phase "life is like a girdle... you pull it in here and it comes out there".  There is no short cut for pain, a mess, or personal growth.  You have to do the work or spend the rest of your life, running away from reality and not taking responsibility for sitting with yourself and getting to the core.  Because I did other things rather than properly stowing everything, I will spend time back tracking, sorting, tossing, giving away and stowing stuff.   Toss a match would eliminate the problem but also make me homeless.  So no short cuts,
I

The way of tea

A few years ago, I spent a week at a retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) and attended a tea ceremony.  While it is not part of the dharma, it was strongly influenced by Zen.  Since then I have learned that there are schools and private lessons for tea ceremonies.  When I was in San Francisco, went to the Chinese markets very early in the morning and learned of matcha or green tea made of powdered tea leaves used in the original ceremony going back to the 12^th century book The Classic of Tea.  Every movement and gesture is made so that it coincides with the brew time for the tea and so you arrive at the first sip exactly at the apex of the tea brewing and temperature. The process of making the tea and sharing the tea is an opportunity to foster harmony with humanity and nature as well as discipline the mind and quiet the heart.  The way the utensils are laid out and the fingers touch the cup etc. is aesthetic.  In the process of the brew and pass there are insights into ethics and metaphysics.   You must be very focus, single minded and concentrate on the brewing and the tasting.  The warm cup in your hand, the cup on your lip, the liquid entering your body etc.  If you are in a Japanese house, they may have a special room just for tea ceremony and you purify yourself with water before you enter.  It is all done in silence.  The fire is built, the sandalwood incense put into the fire.  The water represents the yin and the fire the yang.  The water jar represents the sun – yang and the waste bowl the moon – yin. The matcha is kept in a silk pouch.  The preparation can go on for a very long time and in the end, the tea bowl is passed to the first and most honored guest who examines the beauty of the bowl, takes a sip, wipes the bowl, examines it and then passes to the next.  After everything is cleaned up and examined, a thin tea or usa cha is served – a cup to each and some sweets passed. At that point there is relaxation and conversation.   Ok, so yesterday, I had contact with several human “chickens without heads” doing the modern life dance of overwork, no priorities, ending the week empty and trying to fill holes with almost anything at hand.  Last night I got out the tea pot, my special tea bowl and made tea.  Taking time to hold the bowl and feel the warmth, smell the tea and sip and savor.  There is something very centering about stepping out of the main street rush and quieting the mind.  Your eyes become more clear and if only for a few moments… you know you are on the cushion, the earth will support you,  you are ok and you can feel the rhythm of your heart beat in a strong slow beat in harmony with your mindful and  best self…..

 and today… I’ll have a chai to go…

One Day At A Time

When I was looking to buy a house many years ago, I looked at “fixer uppers” which means an old house with many previous owners.  The common denominator was there were layers of wall paper and layers of paint.  It is easy to just give up and walk away and often very hard to see the inner beauty under all the junk. For years, I walked and signed another rental.  It takes both x-ray eyes and a vision of what could be in order to have the energy to persist. I am sure the prior owners just wanted a fresh look and kept piling on the layers to cover the dirt, grim, and defects.  I am working at getting my shelter the way I want it to look and have been looking at the condition the house was in when I bought it from Chuck as well as remembering the mess it was when he bought.  He did not live in the house for three years, but gradually, hand scraping, stripping, and plastering, had a quality home far greater than the $1375 he paid for it.   There is a lesson in everything and it reminded of how often I took the easy way out and added junk to my life to cover up the holes I created by compromising my values and stuffing the holes with some type of numbing actions. 

Some of the actions could be viewed by other as very wholesome, such working excessive hours, hours of community service, helping friends do almost anything and all with a consequence of neglecting my own life and existing without balance.  

I have a couple of expressions I use to remind myself to take charge of my life.  After a major change – loss, shift etc. the temptation is to get up and start running like a chicken missing a head rather than facing where you are at and realistically looking at where you are going.  It is essential that you sit quiet in your canoe.  You have to go through the process.  In the end, each day brings you closer to your personal integrity.   You know you are, what you want, and you can feel better about yourself than you have in a very long time.  It takes time and you cannot push the river.

Most of us, just want someone to “get us”…know us and love us for who and what we are. The reality is many don’t really want to know themselves and keep the persona well hidden under various costumes while all the time madding searching in all the wrong places for what they think they want and settling for a life of catching up, falling asleep, chaos and clutter.  If you want high quality bake goods, don’t buy Twinkies but get out the mixing bowl give your time to the process and product.

Still have some detours but more often than not I am creating a life I can be proud. I sleep well and wake up to in the morning with a clear head, remembering what I did yesterday and smile at the new opportunity.  

wait.. I am on my way.

The problem with spending time knowing yourself is that you can’t hide your stuff as well.  Now this does not mean that you have to beat yourself up about anything.  It merely means that if there is an elephant in the room and you know it.  There is hardly anything in my life that has not been touched, looked at, moved, reconsidered etc. since the first of March.  When you are taking inventory, either of your life or your possessions, you have to make a mess before you can get down to the basics.  My friend JoAnn introduced me to the Shelter for your Soul book several years ago, and it has been calling to me for years.  I have started it, underlined it, and restarted it several times.  After ending up at the farm with rooms, cupboards, closets, out buildings, garage etc.. full of stuff and no one alive who had owned it, I got a new meaning of toss it out.  My first toss out has required that I toss out several well-meaning folks who said you could sell it on eBay, that’s worth a lot, you should take that home.  Good idea.  But that requires giving my time to someone else’s junk.   I have my own.   I have big house project going inside and out and there is little room for junk. The waterfall, pointing the morter on the house, new bushes, trees and inside basement and attic sealed, new windows, new wall paint, refinished floors, new refrigerator, dishwasher, washer/dryer, moving relaxing area from one room to another.  All of this and the community, friend needs, and life are still marching on.   I have also found that I don’t do well starting 20 things at the same time.  Ok, a few related thing such as my burlap projects, but not 20 things in three rooms.   Knowing what is crazy making is step one in recovery.  You can take care of a great deal of business when you are clear headed, have a plan and stick to it.  So today is lock the doors, turn off the e-mail and get every room in order except my office and the basement.  I can live with two rooms a mess…but not the entire house… and not my life.  Whenever I feel I want to run away, it is usually because I have lost my shelter, I have lost my interest in taking care of myself – possessions, body, mind, spirit.   I can see you oh life I want… wait.. I am on my way.

Holding the coat

“God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.”       Everything that happens to us happens for a reason.  When I ended up in the anonymous rooms with my overeating, I wasn’t sure what I was getting out of it.  I didn’t stay a long time, but I came out with a life philosophy and several lifelong friends.  That is more than I got out of college except I have retained the Saint Francis of Assisi prayer…”Lord, make me an instrument of your peace….” These along with the Carlyle hymn I pick up off the camp latrine wall at age 10 …. So here hath been dawning another blue day: Think wilt thou let it slip useless away…I have gathered some pretty simple yet strong words to guide my life.  I am not sure when it all sank in, but one of the joys that I have at this point in my life, I am less likely to thrash about over things that will not be part of my life in a day or two.   Oh I slip often because it is still hard for me to ask for what I need – space, to sit down, to take a break, etc.  But I see improvement.

I have been given an amazing gift that gives me financial freedom. I am in pretty good health and I know I will get better and stronger with Qi Gong.  I have served my community and don’t need to do more, it is other’s turn.

The hardest part now is watching folks running around in circles looking for the “chair” that is right next to them.

Watching folks miss take excitement for love and being too quick to settle for something far less what they want and desire because they think it will fill an empty spot.   

Watching folks be so afraid of what they might find, they can’t take time to get to know them self.  

Watching someone in a community situation spend energy complaining about what is unavoidable and not having the wisdom to “know the difference”.

Doing is the easy part… it is holding the coat for another so they can learn life's lessons, that takes restraint, energy, and unconditional love.

Plan for my next BYY

Annual Plan November 2012 - October 2013 Bonita Mayer

GUIDELINES
	Be aware of how I am spending my time and who will benefit from my effort
	Have goals that are doable and will not take every once of energy
	Pick three things to accomplish daily even if one is do nothing
NEW PARADIGM or VISION
	I will be mindful of my needs and spend my time/resources wisely
MAJOR FOCUS
	Bonny's Buddy - be my own best friend
TOP TEN GOALS
	1.	Create and maintain a healthy food plan - nourishing food, vitamins and water - 5 our of 7 days.
	2.	Retreat at least 24hrs a month - silent reflection
	3.	Do something fun weekly
	4.	Make my home a shelter for my soul within the next 60 days
	5.	Have guest to the house monthly for a meal and conversation
	6.	Use and enhance writing and photo skills by writing daily and shooting weekly
	7.	Maintain a practice that is balanced and supports and nourishes my soul
	8.	Give 5% of time/energy to the greater community.
	9.	Expand friendship circle - do new things with new people monthly
	10.	Do something physical daily - yoga, qi gong, Tai Chi, walking, etc.

Laura lights up my life

When I was in high school, I decided to try out for the drama club and ended up doing lighting and set design construction.   I learned a simple slap/ball/change for a simple stint in the chorus but was usually behind the lights.  In college I did get a few speaking part and in college we were into theater make up. I went to a woman's college so in one play I walked across the stage as a solder require spirit glue and a beard.   I took enough acting classes to almost have a minor in dramatics and surprisingly, I became very expert in makeup. 

When I was working at the college, I taught a course on TV and after I did workshops nationally to large groups (200-300) of mostly men.   So to get into both roles, I wore make up along with my Chico clothes.   How I do anything is how I do everything so I didn’t just do make up, I DID MAKEUP. I entered into a serious relationship with Laura Mercier which included about five steps to each part of my face – cancelling this and covering that and enhancing this and that eyebows darker, lighter under the eyes... etc..   The final package was 5 or 6 hundred dollars and required a separate bathroom hanging kit and about 20 min.   I don’t know if it made a great difference but under glaring lights and working the front of a room for a full day workshop…. I felt good.  

I did a gig in Nashville at one of the big venues at the airport.  The guest room was very large and spacious and the bathroom had all the amenities.  One of the other presenters made me very nervous and when she got nervous, I got nervous.   When she wrapped on the door saying let’s get to the room early, I ran.  After the workshop I had a very tight window going to Houston next so I grabbed my stuff from the room and boarded.  It wasn’t until I was telling someone in Houston about the new me and makeup that I realized I had left $600 worth of Laura hanging on the back of the bathroom door.  I must have left a great tip on the bed, for the staff had brought the bag to the office and they overnighted to me.  

My next gig was a different workshop with a group of child care providers educating preschoolers about fire prevention.  I dropped the make-up and dressed more casually and probably gave a better workshop.  

For me, education was much like the stage, you have to get the audience attention and keep them wanting more.  For a room full of fire chiefs, the makeup was a must and the day care staff not so much.  The secret is knowing want role you are playing and dress the part.      

My next Best Year Yet

"Grasp opportune conditions when they come,

create them when there are none,

and until conditions ripen,

never force a thing to be done".

              Zen Master Sheng Yen

This is the time of the year that I do my annual review of the past year and set my intent on having the Best Year Yet for the next year.  I think when I hit mid-point, which statistically for most is around mid-40; I began to watch my actions a little closer.  Now I did not change much for several more year - still chasing the great ah…..of physical contact with another and giving great meaning to living one moment at a time without much thought of what it was doing to me, my body or my spirit and surely any one or thing that was involved.

I was finding I was “suffering” with morning after “what did I do last night” and at the same time thinking “is this all there is …..”. I found myself in the middle of a party with people I really didn’t know and did not want to know having a “great time”. There was noise, I didn’t have to think too much, I wasn’t alone, people told me I was interesting and if they wanted more of my body, I was attractive.  It was all emotional cotton candy or like going to a cheap buffet, you overeat and then wonder who is dancing in your digestion system screaming you ate the whole thing.  

Sometimes when asked, do you remember where you were when…. I cringe for I might have been in the midst of a steaming three way high with only one eye on the one step for man one step for mankind.  What changed… I started to do an inventory of my life and actions after someone accused me of being abusive "player"   To some degree, I was. I used or objectified people to help me numb my emptiness.  I was gifted with the kind of personality that could easily engage people and get them close.  This was a great attribute. I made a living with it as a therapist but I also used or abused it.  I would walk into a room and set my sights on what I thought would make me happy and went after it.  And more times than not, I succeeded and I was happy for a little but then hungry again. 

In dealing with my obsessions I discovered the middle way and began to understand opportune conditions in a new manner. I like myself much more and find great joy in almost everything.  Things come easier and yet much closer to the essence of life rather than the surface skating.  I see things that once were just a blur and now have meaning. I can be happy alone in the room.  I am cautious and selective in my relationships to people, places, causes, and things. When I invite someone into my life, it is a meaningful commitment.    While quiet is my best friend, joyful noise is also my friend, but too much noise hurts my ear/soul. The key is to grasp, create, and wait for the opportunity to know yourself and to thy own self be true.  

Guns

While I am a pretty good shot with both a handgun and rifle, I elect not to bear arms.  After this morning’s project, I think I should extend that to glue guns.  I know Martha has more experience, but she makes it so easy on the videos. My project is the bamboo winter cover so it is not essential that it look terrific just be functional.  I get out my work table which is a foot shorter than the project, I cut the burlap into 10.5’ x 6’ strips…well a zigzag cut , tape a couple of garbage bags to the table to ward off the glue that will seep through the burlap… set my timer to 5 min. so the glue is hot and start..   I forget to put the feet up so the feet are glued, I decide to press down on the burlap to push the two sides together for better adherence and now I can rob a bank since I have no fingerprints on the tips of the burnt fingers.  When I finish, I have gaps in the seal so I try squishing the hot glue into the holes and it sort of seals…but I have no confidence that it will hold for winter.  I am not quitting on Martha… so I am off to the store to get iron on hemming tape… surely I can iron as soon as I find the iron.  Maybe I can barter building a garage in exchange for burlap cover making.  
An update on the knitting – I have just started the second scan and it is as tall as myself… I think I will call this the Rapunzel scarf and take it with me to Asia as a fire escape tool.   

Mother's Day



at 97 post stroke

at 30 pre bonny

It was a nice day yesterday, but my time was limited and I had an errand to run, so I didn’t take the scooter to the motor vehicle office.  I got up and washed my hair and put on the brightest turtle neck I could find, packed the knitting in the Thai fun bag and set off.  I could read the third line down without my glasses but kept them on for the first time and answered yes when I was asked if I wore my glasses to drive.  I got my wait number and proceeded to knit a few rows when waiting.   I smiled as I looked at the 72.50 check since like most of the checks I actually write, I do it on the computer as my mother used her type writer.  I don’t look anything like my mom but I am becoming her.  She would always have something in her “bag” to do while she waited.  She didn’t wait; she was an adjuster and used her time efficiently.  She got dressed to go while I made sure I wasn’t naked and ran out the door. I was only in the DMV for a half hour.  When they handed me back the temporary DM (driver motorcycle) and I saw the 2020… I wondered if I will still be using the M part of the license at the next renewal.   Tuesday is my annual day with my Mother when I spend some of the day thinking… what would she do… and the ever present, would she be pleased with me.  I see Nov 13th as my mother's day.  The day that surely changed her life from the continuous travel with Dad and the life of being served by the many hotel staff from Maine to Chicago that we all got to know so well.  I was the unexpected alteration in her otherwise controlled and ordered life... but she adjusted. 



Perfection is in the eye of the beholder

One of the things about spending a great deal of your life alone and not having lots of extra money is that you still have to get things fixed, mended, and created.  When I was young, and asked my dad how to do something or I would say I can’t do that, his pat answer was “you can read can’t you”…   I soon learned that reading wasn’t enough for there are many receipts that I have tried to make that are “missing something” and required my smell and taste to make it eatable.  You have to find the right teacher – book, video, etc. and you can help yourself learn about anything and then use your own logic.  My mother’s advice, which I rarely followed, was “never cook something for the first time when you are having dinner guest” and of course, I rarely made something for the first time that I wasn’t having dinner guest. I think that would also carry to...don't build something that everyone will see until you know how to build.    It all worked and I still cook and still take on projects that are sometimes much bigger than I thought they might be. 

One of the great lessons I learned about perfection came when I did my first major building project.  I lived the 13^th house in from the parking lot on Irondequoit Bay.  I was renting, but every year my landlord gave me my Dec rent as a Christmas present and every year I did a major house project with the money - usually a decorating project.   One year, neighbors tore down a house on the water to build a new house and we, the community decided to get paid to help do it.  We actually, tore down the house and watched in fall to the ground.  In it were 18 feet 2x8 cedar beams full of nails but iron wood after years of standing at the edge of the water….so Bonny said.. I am going to build a deck on the house….. and designed a deck to go across the front of the house and then in the shape of a grand piano when out 10 and 8 feet with a spiral stair case leading to the small yard and water.   I had never build anything like that and had to buy a skill saw, hammers, level and a come along to help me… but I designed and constructed the deck.  While I had a level, in addition to spiders, nothing at the water’s edge is level.  The “perfect” way would have been to square and level… the aesthetic way was to build by the eye….  The deck was a great addition to the house and was built on pods that were stronger because they had weight.  I built the frame on the ground and then used cement blocks and the come along to hoist it up one block at a time. How else does one woman do such a project.  

I used this idea to put up my kitchen cabinets except I used one book at a time to get the cabinet to the height I wanted.  Looking at either projects with a magnifying glass, they were far from perfect, but they were mine, I owned ever nail… and smiled when I sat and watched the sunset or now reach for a glass on the third shelf.  I have used these lessons to help me knit on with my scarf..and I now have learned several ways to tie a scarf…aint life grand.  

It is all LL Bean's fault

I have made a science out of dull, drab, bla, etc. and have decided it is LL Bean's fault.  When I lived in the suburbs (yes Virginia, I lived in the suburbs before I lived in an yuppie urban village) I was told by some very good sources that if I wanted to look like the folks that lived in my area.....I should look more yuppie.  That meant carrying an LL Bean tote, deck shoes, button down collars, cords, and LL Bean sweaters.  I have a lot of LL Bean and Lands End stuff... I am buttoned and corded...    After I wore the only red sweater and red socks that I owned... it was time to go buy some clothes.  Before my TaiChiChun class on Monday, I went back to suburban ville to the LL Bean store..... dull, drab, bla.... I could only find bike jackets with florescent tape that had any zip....  I have a spiritual movie this am.. but this afternoon.... I am going to make a dull cabinet for the dull clothes and room for some new bright duds....   mmmm now where to shop?    I have put in a pic of my progress on the scarf and have watched the youtube on how to tie a scarft.... ... 32 inches and I am just about to finish the first scan....  think I will only need 3 so I am almost a 1/3 of the way finished...  There is a vibrant colar person inside....    The cats are loving the project and I am getting exercise.  I keep my yarn in my Nina pouch...but they take the pouch and all...   I also am using my great Thai bag as my knitting bag.... now that is not drab.... 

Big Bird

My father was in the accounting education business that helped companies increase the skills of their employees in the area of accounting methods and procedures.  Many of his business associates were big business and banking.  He firmly believed that fiscal conservatism was the way to go and that big business educated men could take the country to great heights.  My father was a Republican.   After I was five, I travelled with my parents and spent hours at great restaurants listening to the men talking business.  Get the resources into the hands of the “smart” people., etc.  When I was in fifth grade, I came home from school on election day and announced to my parents that during the straw vote, I was one of a very few that voted for the other guy.  I felt he was concerned about my friends – the bellmen, the waitress, the man with the jackhammer, the folks I saw in the park.  My father thought I had been captured by aliens and was delighted I could not really vote. 

 It was much later that I thought I was supposed to do something about it, but I wanted the political guy that cared about the under served, the have not’s, those that could not contribute but wanted to do so.  For twelve years of my professional life, my clients depended upon their only route to care, Planned Parenthood.  For another eight years of my professional life, my clients depended upon their only route to medical care for the poor elderly.  For another five years of my professional life, my clients depended upon early childhood intervention for support services. For another seven years of my professional life, most of my students depended upon government grants to pay tuition.  

After I was into my career, my dad came home from voting and said… I voted for the “other guy” for I am afraid if my guy gets in, you will be out of work.  Ok, I am disappointed in the last four years but I don’t want to be without Planned Parenthood and Big Bird.

Give up, Give in, or Give it all you got

Tracey at the Park in her volunteer shirt

A new arrival that I will meet in Jan.

You never know what affect you will have on folks that you pass by.  When I was at Kripalu in Sept, I made contact with only a few folks but one was trying to decide if she was going to quit her job and do something different or stay in a secure but burnt out position.  She was at a cross roads and this is where you can give up, give in, or give it all you got and move on.  One of her remote thoughts was  going to an herb school in Thailand and of course I talked of Elephants and the land of smiles.  Since then there have been many emails and a long phone call and she did something so outside her comfort zone I am amazed that she actually followed through.  She was worried about her safety, the bugs, going alone to a very foreign environment etc.. A big stretch for her is an understatement.  Yesterday when I had tea with “sister” Sheila, I thought as we walk along the path and find obstacles, stones, we can step over them, cry because we stubbed our toe, throw them at someone we fantasize caused them to be in our way, or we can build a house.  There was a lot of hand holding and even an email yesterday…but my Kripalu buddy has started to build something and I know the Ellies will help her learn lessons she did not know she needed to learn.  Everything that is in our path is there to help us learn, even elephant poo.   This is most true of the things we least want to face and deal with in our lives.

Boiling Eggs

I boiled eggs yesterday. Now isn’t that exciting. As I was doing it I thought there is a lesson in everything if we are only awake and aware.  Part of the time away was the food.  It was exactly what I want to be eating… I had a few treats – a vegan brownie, a small scone, and a bran muffin and I only ate three meals and not 5 small…but it felt food.  I felt good so what is keeping me from eating that way at home. I am a busy active person and get up and go….   I write in the morning and today is acupuncture day so in order to write, wash-brush-dress, eat and get there on time, I need to be prepared rather than the basic grab and run and hurry.   Look at the calendar, plan out the eating part of the week and I can avoid most of the morning hurry and indecision.  When I am undecided or don’t have a plan…. I could swing by the golden arc and put anything in my body.  I made a good vegan chili, a neighbor made some curry veggies for me, I boiled eggs, made a batch of Quinoa a got in a supply of nuts and fruit…. and I am good to go.   How can I relieve much of the stress I create for myself.. by not having to hurry and making a decision to live awake and aware vs. rushing and grabbing what is at hand.

How was the workshop?

I took a day off to process my experiences while on retreat from my home life.  The surface question is “how was the workshop” and the deeper answer is the fallout from the experience has not hit… I don’t really know how many people are at the facility, but there are a higher percent than usual that have ventured past adolescents.   I made contact with a collection of very remarkable people and tried to soak in as much information from their way of doing life as I could.  The next step, the shift and sort what works for me that I can put in my tool box takes time and thoughtfulness. I have read very few book from cover to cover…Don’t push the River… The Razor’s Edge are two I can remember.. to get the full benefit of what is being given in a book, class, casual meeting of an important person to your life passage.. it takes time to bring it all to your soul experience.    In adolescents, we don’t want to take responsibility but want a quick fix and primarily someone else to do it for us of for us to blame. 

Getting the rays of a tool, qi gong, or whatever to be part of your life experience usually means a shift. The first impulse is to  use the ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.  It is not easy growing up… but what I got from the time was that I am moving closer to wisdom as knowledge applied.  In addition to being in the company of several remarkable women, good food, and a nurturing environment, two parts of the experience stand out. 

 First Nathan.  I decided to do what I wanted re the healing arts offerings and picked three items from the menu.  I also wanted to give something to the workshop provider so I had an intuitive one on one and got an exercise that is helpful but more importantly a suggestion that I see Nathan for some integrated body work.  I know the drill.. and was prepared to cry and do deep breathing as he sorted through the blocked and knotted tissue in my leg.  What always is interesting is that what is causing the condition is not the knee but all the supporting points around the knee, the other leg and the extremities.   He was as good as his reputation and I came home able to go down stairs in a regular walking position.  The lesson was….often what you think is the issue is only a reflection of something deeper that needs attention and anything that is not a skinned knee needs more than casual attention.

 Second Veronica.  When I was at Kripalu in Sept, I gave my favorite elephant bracelet to the tarot reader.  She expressed a love of the Ellies and I just took it off and she put it on.  I stayed late to have a reading from her. She has not taken the bracelet off since I handed it to her and sends me love and light daily. I shuffled and cut the cards and as she put them on the table. The reader kept saying amazing.. I had pulled 7 of the 21 major cards… there is great support for my shaman work and how I am using the gifts, I am healthy and balanced and the only place of sadness is that I am travelling alone but she felt that somewhere there is someone that will pass my path and understand that I must do my work.   In the course of the half hour, she hit on everything that I wanted to know and told me that I am stepping into a place of greater understanding of the gifts. 

I feel very different than when I went.  The tools of qi gong will help build my energy fields so that I can share my gifts and talents without being depleted. But I also had a beacon light come to me helping me to better see where to put my energy. So the answer… to the how was the workshop…   I got more than I thought I would ever get from the whole experience.

 

Every second we get a clean slate an opportunity to be the person we feel is inside our core but has been pushed back or replaced by some actor that sometimes we hardly know. Yesterday was a shift day, like everything had a shift. I moved from being exhausted to just tired. Nathan with his acupressure and deep tissue moved some very stuck points on my legs, I had a group healing, got my yarn and ended with a very oily aroma therapy cruise ship massage. But that is only the surface shift. Actually a little of my shift came from an email . The intention of my healing was to assure that my path was followed and that it did not become the back burner. The email reminded me that you must be vigilant and aware and connected to your inner core... your higher person...the god within. You can not be congruent or have integretity if you are not keeping an eye on your soul. The instant gratification, imediate pleasure, ego and Karmic conditioning are very powerful... you get an itch...you scratch it... and that is good unless the itch is on the bottom of your foot and you are walking across the highway. It all comes back to mindfullness.There is nothing complex... I got a call asking if I wanted to be at the closing of the farm sale.....no... Sitting here in Lenox looking at the mountains is hard enough. This year I will not have to wonder if Georgette will remember my birthday... she did last year... She is in my sinew... It is like having the child go off to college... she was always on my mind and always a consideration in my dicisions. Now she has given me my freedom... and the freedom not to have a  constraint with money. I also learned that ask for what you want and don't question where it comes from... two nice women in the class, having been involved in qi gong for a time, were interesting and fun...but ...they elected to do the healing at my head and feet. Who was to know what power these women had. I truly had no expectation that I would feel the shift in my body more than I have at any healing I could remember. I could actually feel my heart move and beat differently. The hands on my feet felt like vacumn cleaners sucking out stuff that was unnecessary... I felt my eye window open while my heart pounded so strong I had to put my hands on the floor to ground myself. Later, when I got a call from home... I responded in my usual manner... but I know I will not play his game but give him what is necessary and move on. When I read an email and could see someone elses' pattern ...I was reminded that only 20% get out of adolscence.;..i have been there...a nd now it is time for my child to play and find playmates that know how to laugh and enjoy.... and I am not going to be drab .