I have listened to one of three audible books* every day before I sleep. I now have discovered that I can set a timer for 30 minutes so I don’t wake up in the middle of the night with some man talking in my ear. Since my retreat, insight, and mindfulness have been a constant in my daily life. I find it easier to live the life I want to have when I am not involved in everyday chatter. If anything, I find things much more humorous. I am not super interested in giving my energy or time to which coffee place to go to for the best cappuccino. A long time ago someone said this life thing is all about what did you learn and how did love. Not even sure about that either. Maybe learning is not that important but love and compassion.
I think the biggest difference I feel in myself is when I am on the highway. It is not so much… that is an interesting house or tree or person as much as color passing my eyes or shapes. I feel I am using interesting, pretty, bad, good a little less. Sometimes I feel the scooter going by is just a streak of blue or brown….with flipflops… .with hair out the helmet…. With no helmet.
When I take a picture… why that picture…why that way – landscape/picture - sometimes I see more the shape or texture or color and sometimes all of it…
I find that I am less likely to spend time rehearsing a conversation that I might have with someone or replaying words that were said and that I think I remember. What is done is done – said or unsaid --- this is where it is now. When I meditate there is much less chatter or self-criticism
This was a hard step for me. Probably related to my early feelings of abandonment. I have had several people in my life who are now not in it and have moved away from my space and energy and have really no contact. There was not a bang… there was not even a whisper. .they were just gone from my life. I have spent hours in thought trying to think of what I said or did or whatever. Poof. Letting it go has been the hardest. I miss them or what I fantasize we would have if they were still in my life. But more than that, the lack of explanation is the hardest. Accepting that is just the way it is … they made a decision that dropping me was good for them. Hard for ego to hear but good for bonny when working with heart and mind and putting ego in another space.
It is not easy for me to “drop” people from my life and harder yet when they live in my space and I see them often. It will be interesting when I go home if I can still walk and not see people but shapes and colors.
*Food for the Heart: a collection of teachings of Ajahn Chah – Ajahn Chah
Mindfulness, Bliss, and Beyond: A meditators Handbook- Ajahn Brahm
Why Buddhism is True: The science and philosophy of enlightenment – Robert Wright
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