SELF RESPECT

Self-respect is not the same as self-confidence, self-esteem nor is it a creation of ego.  Self-respect comes from confronting your weakness and coming through morally dependable.  After that survival, during the next Big Life Crisis, you just know you will end on your feet.

 It is not something you are born with but something that is earned.  When you are on the other side of something that you didn’t think, you could endure, and you are bloody and beaten, but you kept on your path, took the high road even with everything and everyone saying compromise.  Then you know you have self-respect, and there is no such thing as peace at any price.  The price maybe your very soul.

∞ ¥¥∞

I am listening to Big Band music on Jazz at Lincoln Center It has been a flashback memory lane for me on this the eve of the seventy-seventh anniversary of the day of my birth.  They played my father’s favor gospel song and several swing tunes that I danced to at the Summer Big Band era at Crystal Beach.  The quality of the musicians is always outstanding, and they are so young and never heard the big bands.   The only issue, the seating does not lean itself to dancing in the aisle.   And what happened to Paul Zilliox who danced me down many a dance floor aisle but not the church aisle.

∞ ¥¥∞

I have spent the past several days and will spend the next several days in a reflective mode with more meditation time and spiritual thought and fewer people connection, also, I am just finishing a 25 day stretch of limit calories, so I can get the weight on my knees to a manageable level.  Please with the outcome but must admit, I am looking forward to an omelet tomorrow.  From both the absence of food and people, I have concluded, I am ok with the lack of both.   First, the extraneous people often take my energy and the more inward I go, the less I need the chatter and banter.  I don’t have the same feeling about food.  I miss a glass of wine and my popcorn.  

∞ ¥¥∞

Five weeks from tonight, I will be checking to see that everything I want in Asia is in the bag and I am ready for the 22hr flying time.  This is the first blog of the year.  I think this will be my style for awhile at least.

Scrub a dub dub

I thought I was going to leave my heart in Thailand, but I am leaving my skin instead. 

Today was clean up Bonny day.  Started with a good breakfast. Check into airlines and snagged two aisle seats on Cathay Pacific.  I read all the instructions and made a note to take my two camera lithium batteries out of the check in and put them into carry-on with ends taped and each in a plastic bag.  I thought of going to the park or market but wanted enough time for my person cleaning.  Flipped a coin and the annual facial won the toss.

One thing about going mid-day to a shop that has windows on the street, there are very few customers and the technician always takes their time. The bad thing, they take their time.  I know that I have large pores and that they always find many areas of mining, but I though with using the gold soap that I had the blackhead issue under control.

A very gentle sweet woman met me at the door and asked if I wanted a mask, sure that is part of the deal.  She had a kind gentle look and escorted me to a back table.  I took off the ring, watch, Fitbit, elephant one and two and gently and relaxed laid down on the bed.   She was wonderful.  Lather, lather, more lather.  Gentle wiping off…more cream, lotion, etc.   Then the hot steam to soften my skin. So far so good… then the steam went off and she began her mine probe.  She found spots on my ears, under my nose, my neck, etc.   I lost count after 50 and was trying to keep the tears rolling down my cheek out of her expedition.   Every once in a while, when I levitated after she used a jackhammer on a resister, she would say, sorry and march on.

After what felt like a forever, slathered with some very soothing cream and then painted the mask onto my face.  I was surprised she could get it on since I felt like my skin was swollen but she pushed forward and then massaged my shoulders and feet which the pink mask became attached to my face. 

In a little over an hour, she cracked off the plaster, but on some final cream and extracted $18 from me and I was off to the bar for a Leo.

I was not going to settle for a warm beer and did get some ice.  I thought of putting the beer or ice on my face. After the second beer, I was ready for the body scrub.

Off to a new place for a new procedure.   I have to wait an hour, which gave me time to go back to the room and see if my face was broken.

Once again, a very sweet small Thai woman greeted me and after looking at my skin and consulting with the manager, coffee was the scrub of choice.

And once again, it started out with gentle cream or oil…head to toe and top to bottom.    Ah…….

I have a new respect for coffee.   I also did not realize how many corners a piece of coffee had… but when you are buck naked and someone is pushing a handful around on your soft tender skin, you don’t have time to count.  It is amazing how long 15 minutes of coffee grinding can take.   Left side, front side, back side… oh don’t go there…. And right side, legs, under arms …. Finally, into the shower.  

I can tell you, trying to get oily coffee off your body without a washcloth is not an easy task.   I stayed in the shower trying until I couldn’t do anymore.  

Out of the shower and into the sauna.   I could not believe it, she handed me a bowl of warm honey and said to put it on your body.  Ten minutes of scrubbing off oil and coffee and now I am cooking in hot honey.

  

Out of the sauna and into an enormous bubble bathtub.   She put a towel on the rim of the tub for my head and I leaned back on the towel… and proceeded to go under the water….. The tub was about 7 feet long and when my head hit the towel, my feel went cascading down to the end of tub.  It was my first submerge without goggles…and there was only a foot of water with a foot of bubbles.    I thought it was hysterical and really had to work at not just lying there laughing.  My time was up and I was out of the tub and into my clothes.  

I went in with a nice tan and came out several skin layers lighter… and so I end my Thailand trip.

Routines and Bonnie

I have only a small amount of days left in Asia.   I could live here and in other ways, it will be good to get home.  I am at the point of …can I make the mouthwash last until I go back or should I buy a small bottle.  There are four more scheduled swim classes and I am still hopeful of getting the stroke and breath together.  Or not.

I have to finalize Kim’s wedding gift.  Start to separate what will return on the slow boat and what will travel with me.  Get polish for the floor I have scraped up with my chair. Etc. 

Three Phat massages, six acupuncture treatments, a teeth cleaning, a haircut, a pedicure, a week of qi kong with Rod, two concerts.. and poof.  Leslie leaves today, Donna, Judy and Page this Thursday and Cheryl next Thursday and Bonny leaves CM the following Friday for three nights in BKK and then home.

Of course I have purchased books, which will slow boat home along with my drawing material, pens and pencils and meditation clothes.   I want to get my suitcase down to pretty light so it will not be hard to get to the NYC motel and back for my last leg of the trip.

The one book I brought and which I am reading slowly and with the presence of being is Joan Tollefson's book, Bare-Bones Meditation.  I will be on retreat in Springwater under her direction later in March.

I have continued to have contact with Lily and we have fascinating conversations about life, what we are seeing and learning, and what we are reading.  She is into Oliver Sack and I continue to enjoy the Ted Talks…   I leave her feeling like I just had a shower and I leave some others as if I need one.

In observing myself from different perspectives.  What annoys me or makes me feel the nails on the blackboard.   I can’t fix anyone but I can avoid the company of some.  The biggest thing that I see as a comparison from people who have elected to live here and the travelers, the expaits that I have been walking all appear to be lighter, less judgemental, having some self-awareness, and interest in things outside themselves.  They have great diversity in their interest and friends.   The groups are more black, white, men, women, younger and older etc. 

One quote from the book… “you are always looking for diamonds in the mud, but actually the mud is very interesting”.  After hours with one traveler, I finally figures out that which she says she is on a spiritual path, she is unsettled until she puts people, places and things into boxes.   When we went to a favorite restaurant and I ordered the same thing I did the last time, she commented, oh – you always order the same thing…   and I fell into the pooh hole and said , no I only order that here.   When I go to Brusters – I order Chocolate Raspberry Truffle and when I go to Tom Wahl – I order Chocolate Almond.  Her need to put things in place, or as she says, “know their story” is a silly as my need to explain myself.   Who cares or why do I care that she get’s me. 

I have another person who no matter what I do.. how I say it.. or shout it.. I will be Bonnie -  even my spell check wants to fix it.  So… she will pass out of my life this week and I can then wait for the next person to do the same.

The bottom line is I want to be heard and take at face value for who I am.   I am a learner who is on a quest to be only a traveler in my now space trying to live without judgment.  The important thing is that I start to know myself and take every moment like the present moment without a story, past or future

warning..grammer not good and spelling bad

Morning.  I am not doing a qi gong class with Rod, but do a different Qi Gong at the park with folks that are also members of the Green Papaya Sangha. Tomorrow night is sangha night and the group will be going to Dash’s for dinner…. A choice.  I will go to Dash’s and make sure the reservation is correct.  Order soup and leave for Sangha. 

 

The morning class in the park is the same time as the AA meeting.  Mostly westerns and mostly men around the table.  

In the pagoda at the park, a young western man was doing Tai Chi and along the exercise path at the fence people were lifting their body weight on various public stations. 

 

Parents were walking with cell phone gaze and children, unattended, scampered and fell, cried for a second, and then all moved on.  

It is a day in the park

Traffic.    Driving around the city is a challenge.  In Thailand for the holiday are 400k Chinese, 200k Malaysian, and 100K Indonesian.   It is my theory that as they prosper enough to afford to travel, in their minds they become nouveau rich and own the sidewalks and streets.   Interesting about side-walk as in walk to the side, not happening.   I would like to see some kind of a check about having a scooter license or having a certification that you at least know that you drive once on the street or pull to the side of the road to check the way.   Also, not happening.  You have money, you have a scooter.  You have a scooter and fell that you own the center of your universe then you just stop where you want and when you want and the person behind must be mindful and grateful to be in your universe and hope to stay alive and in one piece as they drive around your space.

Writing.  Last night I had an ok dinner at an uptown place.  Rooms – 40sqm were 6500+455 VAT and 650 service charge (7650 per night).  I pay 284 a night and that includes my scooter.  So, I could stay in this place that looks like a high-end Holiday Inn for 4.5 nights (ok, it has a bathtub and an electric safe) or my little teak bungalow for 4 months. Mmmm   I also listened to folks talk about writing.  I use to give my Mom 10 books for the holiday that I thought would help her know me or the world I live in.  One year, I gave her Langston Hughes and in a few weeks, she gave it back.  She just could not read the language – both the vulgarity and the writing style which focused on writing for his people.  I loved the language.  

“What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up Like a raisin in the sun?... Or does it explode?”

My mother was a spot on speller and should have been an English teacher.  I drove her quite crazy with my continue scribble in some illegible penmanship and wordsmith.  She would try to redo my writing into good form text and type it out.  She believed she was doing me a favor but I stopped writing for a long time.  Now I see that many people who are great with grammar and proper text are dull and nothing snaps you to attention when you read the blah blah. They are editors but can’t vomit new ideas.  They know right, but can’t do good.  There is some really exciting literature that is spot on with the grammar.  It feels like you are crawling through a soft tunnel and then dropped into a cold pond… your heart beats and you are alive in the text.

I went to poetry readings and heard just words.. and the beat… as in beat generation.   I had too much family and Catholic school and white skin to belong… but  I could understand and enjoy the words floating about punctuated with expletives.  It made my heart beat.   I started to keep a little book of thoughts and phases that just came to me…   I strung some together and wrote poetry and trained myself with haiku. 

I am grateful for the 10 days of feeling lost.  I just don’t want to be safe and with annoying people.  Shoppers.. tourist, mindless, moving from one day to the next.   If I had a million dollars, I would not say in a $200 a night bed.

I don’t know how much time I have, but I will live and write and dream every day.. and hopefully swim a little also.

10 day vacation or 10 days of lost in space

I like drifting.  My Asia time is my time to float and let the wind blow me to here or there.  I like checking out new places and watching life unfold on the back soi.   In the past ten days, I have taken several rides in the country with and without a passenger and continued to swim three days a week. However, there has been a shift.  I have slid into being a caretaker and trying to be helpful.  I am not sure anyone wants the help, but I have been out there offering to do things that I think would make the trip for others more attractive. The result has been, a taste of home.  I feel the fragmentation of my life and the shift outward is not where I had hoped to be.
Today was balance day.  Except for a few hours of dinner, I did what I wanted to do and enjoyed my company.   I am happy when I am on a trip to no place or every place or someplace.

my poor Buddha says... "you think you got troubles!!!!!!"

I want to remind you ... I am a Florida dog... I am not taking off the sweater and not going out!!!

My treadmill running has been to take me away from the reality of my swimming. 

Last Friday I came very close to tossing in the goggles.  I was back to head in the water, pulling one arm back and gliding.   I have no idea what slippery means or a wall of water.  I can't keep it straight as to when I to the foot flick and which foot I should be using.  

Fred and I came very close to a trial separation in our "marriage".  He feels that I don't listen and in my desire to get ahead, I do things that are not being requested.  When I am in the water, my gliding hand moves involuntarily and I do the flutter kick rather than the flick.  I have had all I can to do to keep going.

Everyone has advise.   It is easier with flippers.  Just swim with your head out of the water.  All of a sudden, you will just start to swim.   I have six more lessons. If I am not swimming across the pool by the end of February... I will toss the suit and have that as an add on to the long list of things I am not good at doing.   We swam Sunday.   I did better.  I could feel slippery.   Today I had the day to me.  I felt my confidence coming back... and more, I got in touch with what and who makes me happy.
I am grateful for the past few weeks since the tailspin has reminded me that I have a very sensitive balance system in my life.   A month from today I will be back home, and it is time for me to get my resolve to live my life on solid ground.

This came to my attention this morning.  I have always thought a friend was someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.  That is still true, but I think this Jim Morrison saying is more of a daily thing.  I mumbled on in The Test blog about how heavy I felt after a dinner of analysing, criticizing, and eventually feeling bad about myself that I had engaged in a gossip process and about another who "needs" fixing.   My practice emphasis is to be non-judgemental. I can see that it is easy to get sucked in, and I don't like that.  I see a shift in my need to fix things and make them right. Who put me in charge?   I am going to write about my swimming experience, but there is a thread of practice in the Zen of swimming.  To reach my goal, to swim with easy and enjoyment, there are a few things that must become a habit and to which I must have a pattern of behavior.  When my head is not straight and face down... I go in a circle, and my legs are wrong.   Same Same for life.

It was heartening to hear from someone else at the dinner table that the one person that lead the analysis is not easily relaxed and is always in questioning mode.   I have also had to look at my practice.   I want to firm up the rituals that support my practice.   And this is the dawning of another new day...think will though let it pass uselessly away.    

The Test

When you are in a cocoon, you think, I can live in the real world just as well.  In the cocoon, you have positive people that you have selected because of their energy and similar high-level goals.  Conversations that are reflective, enjoyable, and inspiring, a diet that is healthy and supportive, and sleep following "happy" or non-unhappy day that provides rejuvenation.  You feel splendid and people comment that you look good.  

My cocoon has been invaded by people from my past, home.  For the first time in 90 days and am getting "constructive," unwanted advice from people on another path who have opinions and suggestions about what I should be doing and how doing it for both myself and with others.   "This is what you or she/he needs to do."  I am very grateful for the invasion for it helped me get solid about all the things don't want in my life and all the ways I don't want to approach life. Judgement, which often translates to gossip is definitely on the top of the list.
Some people resonate with your life and those that don't.  I am not looking to defend my flaws or have someone else scrub or pick at them.  There are some things that I want to change, and as I become more mindful, they might alter or disappear.
 At this moment, I want to go back to the cocoon and bask in the light of people who are focused on self-development but not at the expense of everyone around.   I so enjoy people who have humor about the process and life and look forward to the new day without dragging a suitcase of clouds from the very distant past.

I don't think there is a child born who doesn't think that they did not get on the line for the "right" childhood.  We traveled, there was no home.   Many people have said... wow, that would have been exciting.  To this little kid with limited power, at the time, it was very scary.   I say wow you had siblings and a Mom and Dad at the dinner table... and they say... we fought all the time, and it was boring.   So, what is the answer to all of this.  We all come from different experiences and even perceptions of the same experience as a twin who sees it differently.  All pieces of the personal puzzle.

For today....I will shift back to selective cocoon inmates and maintain my integrity while being social and polite to the outside world.   I don't want the mean spirited and fixers in my inner space or at least not practicing their way in my life.
Many of the fixers don't think there is much wrong with themselves....  shit only smells a little and is sweet because they have evolved.  That is the first sign of a long long road of work ahead.

Having spent some retreat time with some very evolved folks... they never offer judgement, unwanted suggestions but merely say... they also are just a pilgrim on a path... and good speed to you.   Even if you ask...they respond to a question with a question  to make you think and provide your own response.

Time for some life course correction and a little sweeping of the inner shelter.

It was a long night... but I am out of bed, back on my feet and moving forward on my path

Circadian Rhythm

     I must admit that being with someone younger in chronological age than myself has been a bit of a jolt.  You see, often she appears to have the wisdom of an 80 yr. old.  She joked yesterday that she gets 8 hrs of sleep a night and her family thinks she is crazy.  I said I wake up during the night, do some reading or writing and go back to sleep.  Then she reminded me of the circadian rhythm sleep was common in the days of standing watch or early settlers and is common in animals.  

     I felt very normal and will not make a big deal about getting up at night or staying up at night and then going back to rest for a few hours.  We are the same same but different.  

     Swim coach Fred says I need to take two twenty-minute rest breaks a day for my A+ blood type.  I have never been a napper but I could stop and meditate or contemplate or slow down.

     Each of us can awaken our wise woman – our 80 yr old self.  I better get moving on that quest or I will be older than the wise women in my heart/soul.  On this trip, I feel that she is travelling with me most of the time.  As I reflect in my meditation time or just have fleeting memories of learnings over the years I see that I was not as “dumb” as I thought I was.  The more I drop trying to be someone else, the more I come into myself the happier and “smarter” I feel.  I am not making any effort at reinventing myself but simply slowing down and taking time to be in the moment – paying attention.. and listening.  

     Someone recently said, we have two ears so we can listen 2x a much as a we speak.   

     Now that is a concept.

Words

I am trying to eat more mindfully, so I read until the food is served and then take three bites and rest and think about my portage - banana - mango breakfast.  In this way, I get full before the bowl is completed since I eat slowly, pay attention to the food as it passes my mouth and goes into the digestive system.  Not isn't that something everyone wanted to know.  
Yesterday, since my ears were not included in the process, they tuned into the easy listening instrumental music that was playing.   I have thought a few times about Natalie Cole and when the ears grabbed on to When I Fall in Love.. of course the Nate King Cole version game to mind.  
The next step for me as I am mindful of almost everything was to think of the words.... 

When I fall in love it will be forever

Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is

Love is ended before it's begun

And too many moonlight kisses

Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart it will be completely

Or I'll never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too

Is when I fall in love with you.

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too

Is when I fall in love with you.

Of course that lead to finding out when was this "restless world"...  Victor Young (music) and Edward Heyman (lyrics). It was introduced in the film One Minute to Zero. in 1952 and became Doris Day's first big hit. 

Truman was President the cold war was on, and Korean War was just starting, so I guess it was a restless world we live in.  The song was recorded by about 40 people and was part of the soundtrack of many movies... even friend Joe's Sleepless in Seatle.

Singing the song is much like lots of the talking we do.  What the heck does it mean?  I don't think it is possible to fall in love it will be forever.  You fall in love and then if you are lucky you find some mutual caring arrangement and stick together.   Since there is no crystal ball, how do you know at the beginning that it will last forever and thus you probably are doomed to I'll never fall in love.

Finally, can you control how you feel... and wait to love until the moment I can feel that you feel that way too Is when I fall in love with you.  So when you are sure that you are falling in love with me... send up a flare so I can fall in love with you.

This paying attention stuff is bringing new places for me to find enjoyment ... but if you are a reader, you would probably hope I don't do this with too many favorite tunes.

Feelings before To Do

One of the great liberating teachings of Buddhism is that you inherit your body from your family but not your mind.  

The mind –  thoughts -  emotions and memory are created by the reflection of what is believed to have happened. For me, I then add my judgement of how well or poorly it happened and how great or small the effect.

Some of what happened, I label right – naturally, I was given shelter and food.  I was never a poster subject for the starving child – as in please feed me.   I was given the emotional support that was available from my family, and I do not have broken bones or childhood scars from beatings, etc.  

  

It was interesting to me when I was doing therapy to work with siblings who were ten months apart and a few twins.   They saw the house, the relatives, the family, even the dog in a different way.  It one child had a fear of the dog, they saw the dog as big and mean, and if the other loved the same dog, it was huggable and cute.   The same was true of parents.  Some saw firm but loving, and others saw controlling and “mean”.  

I also believe that some children make up stories about what happened to them or can be conditioned by someone, often well meaning but over programming therapist,  to think something happened that did not.  

When I reflect on my life, I see a few very big things that caused others pain, confusion, injury.  I wish that it did not happen but it did.  In some cases it was a small thing that was seen as much bigger and in other cases it was a big thing to me but a small thing to the other.  In twelve steps and other purging processes, you are encouraged to go back and make amends.  Make amends is far different than I am sorry and in most cases, that is all that you really can do.   The most productive action is to learn what you can from the situation and move on from this point.

Rear view mirror looking always has some distortion depending upon the glass and your eyesight.  We often tend to see more red in the vista if we seek red, love red, or hate red.  

In my spiritual/life practice, I am beginning to see that I am bigger than my feelings and that when I feel something it is a road sign to my core or soul.   I cannot change what happened or didn’t happen to me but I can change how much power I give to it and how much I will let it affect my life going forward.

Being sad about something that occurred 20- 40 – 60 yrs ago in my view is a waste of sad.  I am sad when I feel stuck looking out the back of the car window.  First, I might run over a dog and second, I will miss the wonderful experience of NOW with all the good bad and ugly of today.

So one of the things I am doing today is getting clear about how I actually want to feel within myself and then designing the to-do list, setting goals and adding to my bucket list.   I have nothing to prove only to experience and NOW is juicy

Life is as big as the end of your vision.

     I spent time today with someone who is interested in putting balance in life.   I have put letters on the pages over 700 times, and there is a thread in some of my nattering that sounds much like I was looking for balance.  Just the right amount of adventure, time with people, time without people, time on the cushion, time sitting, standing, sleeping.  Ask a busy mom, life doesn’t work that way.

    In my recent journey with myself I have come to believe that like walking, life is a dynamic equilibrium.  Unless you are actually standing still, motionless, you are always off balance.  My new thinking is that you never get so far off balance that you cannot right yourself.   The tipping point.  I am not interested in seeing how far I can go over before I dump but more like riding waves, you shift a little here and there and come to the center.   The only game rule, you must protect yourself from unnecessary injury and if you must get hurt, know why and how.

   I think if we never are off balance, we will always stay in our safety zone and not take risks.  Non foolish risks are right, they push you .  It is also important to know when you have to sit this round out.  Stop and reassess. You have to know when to quit, step away, leave friends, etc.

   One of the other comments was an observation that I am “set in my ways” because I order the same thing I always have at two different restaurants.  I said nothing because set in my ways is not one of my faults.   How I look at the food if that over the many years that I have been in Thailand, I have eaten in many places.   I know that place has the best Koy Soy and that place the best Indian and that place the coffee the way I like etc.   So, I decide what I want to eat and when I walk in, it is same same.   Not set way but the set that I elect to eat in this restaurant.

   One of my takeaways from this trip is that I don’t have to come back to have the life I want to live.   I thought that I needed to get to a neutral place to have a calm life.  What I have found is when you are mindful, your vision and thus the view of your path or journey is right in front of you as far or near as your gaze.  Breathing brings the calm and when I am calm.. I ask.. What do you want.. and then  If I feel like music..I have music.

Lily in the field

Usually, I don’t have a casual meeting with a person more than once while I am on my personal quest.  In the past years, I ran into Jeannine and H& H several times and then we started to have planned meetings.  This year, I am more focused on meeting new people all the time and meeting myself most of the time.  My life pattern leaves me open to the now, and when I feel I need to connect, I am open to it, and it happens.

A few weeks ago, I met a young woman at Dada’s, and we shared cereal bowls and chatted.   She will be here until June and is taking the time out of college to travel.  We have now had a second breakfast, and a coffee, and I will probably be making contact with her throughout her stay. With Facebook buddies and phone number exchanged you're practically family.  (I have five numbers in the phone contact - Henry (H&H), Jim A. (mustache man), Jeannine (gypsy from Edmonton), Fred (swim/yoga) and now Lily.

What is so rich about Lily is her openness as well as her sense of confidence and wonder at all she sees.   I am learning from her, as you do with most people who pass through your life.  In a small nutshell, she is the daughter of Nancy and Dave, who separately live in Burlington Vermont.  Lily, named after the flower, was raised Jewish and is well versed in her faith.  When she was 12, her family split, and both remarried bring step-siblings into her life.   Twelve is a hard time and harder when the family is in a messy termination.  What I have learned is how strong and independent this has made this young woman.  At 18, she has taken a year away from the second yr. of college in Colorado to study the world.  While she would have family backing, she made her money working at the Boathouse in Burlington and other jobs. In Thailand, she is living in a dorm room with two others at a Wat and working with AIDs/HIV folks.  When she gets oriented, her task will be to teach English to male sex workers.  Other people teach little children, help at the orphanage, rescue dogs, Not Lily.  

She is 18,  loves food and coffee and clothes and can overdo on wine occasionally.  She takes care of herself and is ready to walk anywhere.  Reads a book a week, is thinking of shaving her head – too much hair and too many curls and wants a tattoo..- not sure of what, but the ink artist is reputable and from Chicago and I will go with her for that. 

She makes me smile.  I think we are friends because she has a good relationship with her grandmothers (she is 18 and I am 76) and maybe she sees a little of her sense of adventure in me with hope that an older Lily will be similar.  

Today, we met at the Iron Bridge and scooted to breakfast at Better than Butter.  I suggested this since they have Blintz and Lox/Bagels, but we both had buckwheat pancakes.  After I gave her a ride to the North Gate, pointing out Cooking Love, Joy’s hair salon, and the Jok place for the best rice soup in town.  She is encouraging me to go to Burning Man in August.  Who knows maybe we will meet for breakfast in the desert.

I once heard an expression; I want to be the person my dog thinks I am.  Since I have abandoned my Max, I am not sure he has the best feeling about me at this time.  But I have arranged to have him well cared for and loved, and if he loves me, he will sense a change when I come home.  

Here,  I am only dragged into pettiness occasionally, and I am getting very protective of my good feeling and positive outlook on life.  Lily is the sun.   Everything happens for a reason.   I am much more aware of what is passing, or I am passing by since everything is moving and changing.

My life is better every second and I find I need fewer people as constants and more people as fuel for my learning.   And it is all good.

Some random thoughts about being happy. Blog 700

This is the 700's post on my blog --- I am sending this to a few extra folks on my contact list.... hope you are well and happy... and Thank You.   bonny

Some random thoughts about being happy.  

1.      Count blessings.  The first year I came to Thailand, I could barely walk up and down the road not alone do the yoga poses.   Now, I am not doing them perfectly, but every day I am getting better. The teacher in the first year wanted perfection and did not make me feel welcome as a student.   The current teacher respects my effort and gives me tasks that stretch my ability daily, but knows that I am my own critic and encourages.  There is a right balance in adjusting the pose and encouraging me to keep going.  One great blessing is that I am developing discernment and recognizing that it is not all me.  Now, when I pull in my core, it is behind my stomach and maybe not as noticeable to the observer, but I know it is moving and someday, there will not be as much stomach and the observer will also notice.    I am grateful that I have had to opportunity to push through my “I can’t” and come to “I will be a swimmer”. Everything is a life lesson.

2.     Surround yourselves with positive people.  I just cannot spend much time with people who look at their shoes - negative or dark or are stuck in the distant past.  There is only so many hours that you can spend looking at was or might have been without missing what is.   I can’t spend time with people who want to talk politics or other things they know little about or who just can’t say anything good.   When I go out to eat, I look at the menu at the front of the restaurant and look for people who smile and when I sit down, I hope they are upbeat, optimistic, encouraging and fun to be around even if I am only at the next table.     

3. Look for the little things that make you smile. When you are present in your own life, you see things: A beautiful flower, a child hearing a joke and laughing uncontrolled, the patterns on the sidewalk, the smell of leaves burning that reminds you of your childhood …nothing big or earth shaking.  This is the sugar of life that makes some of the frowns easier to live with.

 4. Say  "it’s all good" when things go wrong.  Last week, I had something to eat that just was not meant for my body.  Before I could get off the bike and into the house and bathroom, my body said… I have keep this in me too long and it is coming out .. ready or not.   I was a mess, the house was a mess, etc.. but I was grateful I made it that far.. and that I was not totally out of it and feeling ill so I could clean up.  When I sat for my evening tea… I thought .. it is all good.  The bad stuff is out, I am clean as a whistle, there is a laundry… I have clean clothes.. and tomorrow is another day.  And for anyone reading who might say .. can’t believe she wrote that… I say. Why not or now you have a visual - shit happens!!!!!....and it’s all good.

5. Help someone for absolutely no reason.  When I sit in a restaurant and someone next to me shares a little of their life and we have a good conversation.  I pay the bill and say…someday, Pay It Forward.    100-200 Bhat  ($3-$6) is small change compared to the companionship and the wonderful people I am meeting. 

 6. Read or listen to positive materials:  We only get Fox News from the US on the tele – so I watch at 17 min before the hour in the morning for the home weather.   I have an ITune library of talks on meditation, Dharma, etc. that can make my ears smile. And  I have a few YOUtubes that make me roll on the floor.  I get the home paper and read the front page and Rex Morgan... what more do I need.

7. Do things that bring joy. Swimming is bringing me great joy.  I love teacher Fred.  We are enjoying the process.  When the Thai pool monitor said to him, she talks a great deal,  I said, I am going to try not to talk so much. Fred says why, she doesn’t have to listen or what makes you think she was being critical, maybe she enjoys your energy.    It is so wonderful to be with people who are grounded, happy, living the life they want.  He is such a model for me as well as an excellent swimming and yoga teacher.  I am going on a search for more Fred’s and I will try never to take the first opinion or settle for what I get.   I am my own best friend and I enjoy me.

I love to ride in the country.  I like looking at the flowers and watching the kids.  I will always have to clean the litter box but I can do it with joy because the animals give me joy and I love them.

 8.  "Please" and "Thank you."   I want everyone who does anything for me to know that I do not take it for grant it. Thank you.  I don’t think you can overuse Thank You.  Thank you for caring about how I am doing or Thank you for saving me a seat.  It is all good.

 It is time to let go of some folks that have been in my life for a long time.  I have held on to the connection long after they have let go.  We put effort into cultivating friends, but not as much at supporting and maintaining friendships.  For some that I have held on to but have not maintained contact with me, it is time to say Thank you.. good speed to you and move on.    

Coming to Thailand is the best litmus test to find out who cares about my life. I am 76 yrs old traveling alone half way around the world... most don't know how am I doing.   I am glad for the opportunity to shift the grain and toss the shaft.  Better to have a small amount of good grain than a box of fluff with no substance.  And it is all good.

9. Choose to be happy.  You can actually make the decision to think about how you think and decide to think happy thoughts instead of negative ones.  My meditation, yoga, and swimming have taught me that I am in charge of my thinking.  So I choose to be happy, I am the architects of my life and a positive attitude changes how I perceive the world.   And it is all good.

Monkey Mind is your best friend.

I continue to be amazed at the attempt to “meditate right”.  It is like fishing hard that my father would want me to do when we were in a boat.  How do you do that?

When you meditate, it is the times (most of the time) that you don’t get it right that opens your mind to all the things that happen to you when not meditating – what you should have done, could have done, wished you had done or wish you had not done.  Nothing we have ever done or thought or ever thought of thinking is not hidden in some corner of the mind.   

My notes to myself about  meditation are

1) nothing comes to you in your meditation gallery that you are not ready to deal with

2) sometimes you get a hint of coming attractions

3) with practice, you are much more the observer with less judgement and praise and

4) in time or on a calm day .. the idea just floats by and you remain objective.

I loved this in a Tricycle blog about meditating on retreat.

“Your mind is essentially a demented rubber ball soaked in schizo juice and trapped in your skull. It’s constantly bouncing off the walls and careening around everywhere, knocking over all your mental toys and denting your hopes and dreams. It leaps from one random subject to the next, never satisfied, never settling, never tiring, and really never making a bit of sense.”  Brent R. Oliver  Lexington, Kentucky

The research on stress, anxiety, and depression reduction is enough to get me to do it.   Soon you might even find you are more aware of yourself in your daily life.  Today, I almost walked out of a restaurant without my cell phone.  I read a Kindle book while I wait for the food.   As I was about to make the transition to walking home, I paused to take inventory and returned to check the table.  Phone and I walked back together more aware of the surroundings.

A good way to end the day…  The Evening Gatha

"Let me respectfully remind you,

Life and death are of supreme importance.

Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost.

Each of us should strive to awaken. . .

. . . awaken,

Take heed. Do not squander your life."

Things that add to life

These are five things that have made life here very easy.  

My first purchase upon arrival is a pillow.  I have a plastic desk chair with no padding, and it is a real pain to sit for the amount of time it takes me to fuss with pictures, keep up with my several internet classes, or even write this blog.  So you will note at the top of the page, laying on my blanket, a blue, brown, yellow, square pillow.  It cost me 50 baht.. about $1.35 but crucial.

The next thing I bought is a top sheet.  It is the grey square under the pants.  The Thais don't have a top sheet but use the blanket as the top and wash it when they wash the bottom sheet.  First it is often hot but there are mosquitos and so I like a sheet.  I fold it lengthwise and sleep with half under and a half over.  I got a good count sheet at the mall.

The third thing I purchased was a good air mattress.  I got it before I went on retreat but use it nightly on the hard bed.  It rolls very small and blows up quickly.   I might consider taking it if I do the Comeno Norte.

The fourth thing I purchased were two pairs of flyless underpants.  I got the xl but they are elastic and extremely comfortable.   I looked at the underwear for women and while I am continuing to lose weight, I think I might feel like a sausage.  The laundry lady took a day to go home just as I was running out of pants..so I had little alternative than to buy something.  These are very strange because they have stitching when a man's fly would be but there is no opening.  

And finally... my bug tennis racket.  I keep this next to the bed and when I hear bzzzzz near my head, I just say sorry Buddha but one sentient being will be added to my karma ... and turn on the zapper and take a swing... when I hear zap... I turn it off and go back to sleep

And it is all important.. more convenient than necessary... but all good

Full Cycle # 697

     When I was starting school each year, my mother took me on the dreaded pre-school shopping trip.  I just was not like the other girls in my class, I did not care about getting new clothes, partly because I was the only kid in my class that did not have hand-me-downs from someone and who did not wear the same clothes over and over.   When the announcement was made that tomorrow we were going shopping, I would look like someone just said I had to put my dog to sleep.  To sweeten the pot, my mom would quickly add, and we can look at the camping equipment.

     I went into the change room and my mom brought stuff for me to try on and when we had enough, she would go to pay and I would go press my nose to the girl scout case.   I wanted the hatchet.   Dad said I had to be a scout to that so I joined as soon as I could and at age 10 went off to camp for two weeks.  You couldn’t bring your own hatchet, but I did have the one in the case at home.   I have lived in several cities, traveled, a moved 20 times, but I still have the hatchet.

     I got hooked on camping and the game of making something out of nothing and creating an environment that was comfortable.  A good toilet seat on the trench john, a rack to stack your dishes and cook wear, a secure tent or lean-to.. I know them all and eventually earned my curve bar (like eagle scout) and advanced camp manship with American Camping Society.   I could survive in the wood and knew how to make twine out of bark and eat whatever was eatable.

     So here I am years later in Asia and I am still camping.   My neighbors and I decided you could wash your small clothes and spin dry them in a lettuce spinner.  I went all over to find the spinner, but could not locate it here.   

     It is half way through my time in Asia on the 9^th and I have the annual malaise.  I have tried for 3-4 days to watch the intake etc. and use herbs.  Today, I gave in and went to the pharmacist, who calmly said, “take two pills tonight then one morning and one night’’ and until you are better,  no fruit or veggies.   So I went a bought rice bread, butter, macadamia nuts, and tea.  The problem with the tea that I wanted, it was bulk tea and I could not locate a strainer.  They did have small tea bags that you fill and then tie with a string.   I had a flashback of being a young camper …   and again.. it is all good.

Learn from out past and Not Live in it.

       I will be doing my second year of Meditation Month with Salzberg.  This was on the website for the sign-up, and it has Meaning for me as I slog through my real happiness process. 

      Swimming has been the most meaningful experience I have had in a very long time.  Fred, teacher, has said several times, people do not teach people to swim but effort into moving the body in the water so they can get to the other side of the pool.   When I ask people who tell me, “well I learned when my father tossed me into the pool” … and did you learn to swim as in comfortable and can swim a long time.  The second question is… and did you teach your child the same way… “yes, since that is how I was taught”.  

     There are 21 ways to learn and most teachers teach they way they were taught even when they also say, I did not learn that way.   So why continue the dangerous practice.   Yes, we need to look at the past but why stay there?

     My hearing loss was a great gift for I did not lose the hearing, I hear much more clearly now since I listen much more.  Every day, I get out of bed and say, I am awake.  Now, I do yogi breathing, meditation, morning body ritual and say… I am awake and alive and aware.  

    The big trick is to conscious of being awake, aware, and alert and to set up continuous ways to pause and check in to bring awareness back to the heart/mind.  

     Pause.....Bing bing bing… another wakeup call.

Same old same old

Does this make me happy?   I have taken a new look at being a minimalist.

 A few years ago, an acquaintance was relating a story of going to NYC to help celebrate a friend’s birthday.  In talking about the event, and it was an event, the birthday boy, had 1500 of their closest friends at an event in the Hamptons.   Amazing to me that this person, who spent thousands of dollars for food and entertainment, actually thought these folks were friends.  I suspect that if the bottom fell out of his world, that no more than 50 would actual answer his phone call and probably 10 would bring a hot meal.  We are all lucky to have 10 real friends.

I once thought that minimalist was getting down to the bones and living in an austere “little house”.  I now believe it is having a life of things that make you happy.  Every day is not a party, but it is also not a great dark cloud with a scattered rain of doom and gloom.

I have been eating at different places and eating with whoever is next to me or who will share a table.  I use to do that in the long past when I was on the road working and overnight in various towns in upstate New York.   I did it when I first started staying in Thailand by myself.  The difference in Thailand, I started meeting people that I would see often and cut down on my venture and began to attach. 

In the last few nights, I have dined with different people.  The first was a young vegetarian woman in banking from Amsterdam who travels for work, rides a bike, and has a boyfriend that can’t travel.  She is only in town for a few days and wanted to go to the Saturday night market so I gave her a scooter ride and told her how to get home. We sat with a couple from Idaho who are rock climbers.  They met climbing, he is an engineer and is somewhat afraid of heights.   She was not feeling well so I directed them to the great pharmacy and warned her that she would have to reveal intimate details of her ailment. 

   The boyfriend had a picture of the woman dangling off a cliff in a rope chair.  I know I am afraid of heights even more than water at this point.  I enjoyed their company and it would be tempting to connect, but many a mile to go before I rest so onward on the quest.

Last night, I joined a table at one of the places I go when my stomach needs a grilled cheese. This was a lively bunch of mixed travelers and the owner helped me join the group rather than take a table for four.   I had a mental notebook with me and since I am on my January no alcohol challenge, I can even read my morning after writing.   There were four at the table for five when I joined and another, a Thai driver, joined us later.

The other woman was a blonde from CA who has lived in Turkey and other parts of the Mediterranean for years while writing a book about living the “normal” life on a quest. We can call her Bacardi and coke woman and I had an Eat Pray Love feel about the book but she was the only regular person in the group and the only one that looked like they cared about their health.  I think she met the Australian a few days earlier and since he only eats here she asked many questions about where to eat, what was good etc. Unlike myself, she has attached to the place and group.   I thought it was funny that she remarked that when she went home to CA and asked what was happening, they said, "same old same old".  To an outsider, this looks like same old same old just another location.

Her friend, a US expiate, has lived here a long time because he can’t live home on SS.  His coloring was gray and while he was drinking beer and did eat a small plate of duck with veggies.   This was not his first rodeo and he had hiccups,  that I tried not to notice.  Amazingly we both have tickets for a concert Friday in a room with only 35 people.  What are the chances?

The Table Central figure, a 60+ Australian,  said he had a dog named bonny and I said I had a dog named Max, which was his last name.  He was very vague about what he did for income at home and the writer said, let it go, he will not tell you.  His clothing was not too bad and he appeared to have money, talking about getting a house large enough for hired help – a gardener since he wanted a garden, a cook since he wanted a home cooked food, and a driver since he never wanted to drive home.  He also did not want to end up in a nursing home but a home with nurses.    There are two large “Max” firms in Australia,  one Pr and the other clothing.   He looked like a suit man with a road map face of broken blood vessels. 

I would not write an insurance policy for any of them.  His dinner was wine.. several carafe’s, a plate of potato salad with garlic or maybe I should say, garlic with potato.  He then went on to mashed potatoes and sausage.  Afterwards he said he did not feel well.  I was full just watching him eat.

The other Aussie was a young redheaded square body younger man who was drinking some alcohol on the rocks.   He said he rock climbs but prefers run when he is not working as a surveyor.  He was in someway connected to Max and had the same combo of food.  The Thai driver, who was named Tan and came from northern Thailand was a Leo man and had driven the older man on his scooter to the bar.   I did not stick around to see how they got home.   The young man, left the room to smoke and when I asked why soked he answered “why not”.   This is the life they lead,  sleep, eat, swap lies and do it again the next day and to them it was fun.   I found the evening enjoyable and loved leaving to go to my home even more.

Today, I ate at the Jok place and had rice soup with an egg and a red bean bun and remembers coming here with real people in my life on their first trip to Thailand. 

So does this make me happy?   Well I had some real smiles, was not unhappy, and I can very quickly walk away with no greater connection than the experience. and it is all good.

Whose Truth?

            Speaking of someone else’s errors and faults is sometimes appropriate and necessary. When I was teaching it was part of the responsibility to help the students grow in wisdom and skills.  A task for any teacher is to teach so the student can hear and learn and then when they begin the trial and error process of presenting or acting on their new skills, to give some kind of critical feedback.  In swimming, more people had told me that they learned to swim when someone tossed them into the pool.   I have been tossed and I have turned blue.  When I dream of dying, it is often trapped underwater struggling for air.    For me, the method I am learning now appears to suit my needs and style of learning.   So feedback must be just like that… how can something be said that will have meaning for the listener and meet the purpose of the sender.   It is an art.  In my opinion, what is wrong with teaching, people teach the way they were taught even though it was not effective for them.  There are at least twenty-one ways to teach and there are at least that many ways to help someone grow.  

     How do we give critical feedback? Our fear of not being able to do it and until we are very skilled, we tend to push opinion or worse present something in a fault-finding way.  I can see a parallel in relationships.  The skill in relationship clarification is to be able to present what is the impediment to the connection in a precise and efficient manner.  This does mean a long list of if only you were thus or so.  It is always safe to say, ..”when you do…this….. the effect on me is that”.   This lays the information in front the relationship so that some thought can be given to how much adjustment is possible and is the effort worth the reward.   I have always regretted not saying something to a few people and taking the easy way out by just not say anything and walk out of sight and life.

     Before I I walked away, I had long talks in my head that included some judgment of the others faults.  The very fact of my mind opinion was a major fault.  I never regret a presentation of my ideas as long as I present it as an opinion.   When I allow ego to slip into “truth” and present my “truth” as fact, it is not helpful to the other person. 

     The judging that goes on in our heads. It’s amazing. Some people walk around judging everything all the time, particularly when it comes to other people’s faults or what we imagine being faults. All of us do this some of the time.  I know my ego is bipolar.   Much of the time, I try hard to disconnect from my own faults as in my shit doesn’t stink and at other times, I want to beat myself up like a worm who should not even be walking the earth.

     Like everything, there is a balance. The ego’s job is to protect and thus it tries to excluding parts of itself from reality.  A good rule is not to complain to anyone who can’t do something about what you’re complaining about and not to accept a complaint unless you can do something about it. 

     It would be nice if the world were the perfect place but it is full of folks trying to put one foot in front of the other and I respect that.   The key is to observe the path of each person and sometimes you have to know when to hold and when to fold.   Fold with loving kindness and a sincere wish for a peaceful life ahead for them.  

The gardens

Yesterday I went to the Queen's garden and took pictures of wonderful plants and interesting people....   This is it.. less talk.

PLANTS

                                                                                                                                                                 

 I love riding in the valley and seeing the forest and mountains.   Unfortunately there is a haze.

I just loved this little boy.   He was in his position for a very long time and intensely studying the plants and rocks.   His parents had moved on a little but he was without care and stayed until he was satisfied with his looking.   

Here are a few more charming kids.

HATS

MY FAVORITE.