FEELING AT HOME IN MY OWN LIFE

How come when I am in Asia, life just goes on and things that are important, like when will I get my next bake potatoes are foremost in my mind re my daily tasks.  More folks are concerned with quality of lives and the needs of the world. Burma is killing, northern Thailand is on fire, etc...   How come when I am home, life slips back to the price of bananas and what is important gets trampled by the thundering hoofs of expectation and conditioning.  I don’t want to live mechanically, unaware, disconnected, and lost in the shadows.  I have tried to reenter too quickly this time and hear the small talk as blah blah and most issues in conversations about as deep as a saucer.  The only way I am able to survive is to think that I am doing a standup routine for others and not this is my real life.  There have been people and tasks and projects all week.   I can’t do that.. need my day to gather.  I will not let myself live the treadmill life… nor I will continue to think I am a visitor in someone else’s life… for this surely can’t be all there is. 

[This may be your last auto blog if you have not emailed me]

no regret

Now is just a place of not being caught trying to replay the tapes of yesterday nor gazing into what we think tomorrow will bring.

I remember well a time when a relationship that I thought would last forever was ending or had ended.  I spend months trying to replay every conversation, every meeting, and every person that was in or out of our lives.  I scolded myself for every misspoken word, every word not said, I thought if only I had danced faster, smarter, better… the relationship was over, there was no going back.   But I spent month in a rearview world trying to repair my memory so I could make the outcome different.

I remember well walking out of the room where Chuck died.. and thinking… I have no regrets.   I think of him often, talk of him often, he is in the floorboards of my house….i wish he was here, I miss him.  But when I had something to say… I said it… no regrets.

Replaying the past is a great waste of energy and while you are doing it…you’re missing the crocus, the chickadee, the white fluffy clouds.  And then tomorrow, you can try to remember, what was the gift of yesterday that I did not feel since I was trying to remember the gift of last week.

Oh how foolish we are not to fully take in…110% the gifts that are our now.

When we started the yard project last year, it was a big task, but I was starting from almost nothing and had some ideas about what I wanted.  A waterfall and bamboo were a given and the rest would fall around the space.  I saw the need for a focal point and so my 7’ Buddha will come sometime just before summer.  I have worked out what I want for the meditation, sitting, reading bench, and with that complete I will have the far yard finished.  

Now I am looking at the house and in particular the upstairs.  The three rooms have been freshly painted and are calling for me to have the room, like the yard, the way I want it.  It is much hard to take an area that is full of stuff and make it simple than to take an area that is empty and make it your simply vision of how you want to live.  

I have learned about myself that I am a sprinter.  I run best at short spurts of energy and then rest.  I also do best with a plan or strategy.  So I give myself lots of time to sit and think and then get up and move.  Generally, after some good thought and input from trusted thinkers, I don’t have to redo the vision.  

In trying to get my life into a simple meditative living, it is much like the clutter of the bedroom.  My life is full of habits such as getting up to write… then get lost in  timewasters on the computer.    I save reading until the end of the day and then read a paragraph and fall asleep… I know I can’t move to a new mind/body house so the shift of getting a new life pattern that includes day time reading, morning meditation and qigong and afternoon writing will take some great concentration and discipline.  As much as how I want my yard to look, my bedroom to feel, I have to connect to how do I want to live my life.   We always think there is time, but all we have is now.

Many people say they can’t meditate.  What makes it so daunting is the simplicity of it.  You just breath, breath rising, breath falling… fast or slow or deep or shallow… it is simple… just breath…follow the breath… and you are in your Now.   Now my room is a cluttered mess…. Breath rising…breath falling.. on foot in front of the other and with some simple adjustments…before long…. I am in the Now.

Shifting

I feel somewhat caught in two worlds and the world I am waking in is not the one I want to be in.  It is not so much that I like the sun, food, and massage of Thailand, I like the simple way of living.  In this world, I have to be very careful not to get sucked into the sink hole of offering an opinion.  I have a few things that I am committed to and will finish, but I am having to install a safety wire similar to those on a boat that you can be tethered to so you don’t go overboard.  My little boat is riding through some very rough waters with many nymphs of seduction waiting to snare my attention and ego.  And oh, my ego is so fragile in its new case.  The old case “I can do that”…”I can fix that” is very firm and strong.  The kernels of trying to make people happy with whom I am, is stronger than my beloved popcorn kernels. The habit of expectation that people will do what they say they will do is engraved on my habit heart and is much stronger than my baby “now” and knowledge that expectations will lead to disappointments and suffering.   I don’t want to suffer… I want to look at life through a glass lens and click a shutter and put words on paper in 600 word batching’s of short stories.  I want to climb out of the clutter, complete my shelter, let my “me” be me and stop tweaking for recognition, acceptance, and approval…   I will lose people – there presence and may there understanding for placing just one foot at a time in rhythmic order is different that the universal corporate mindset that asks more lock step and familiar prattle….   Time will tell were my bottle with a message will end. With luck, not on the shore of my past life.

[note: There are a few of you that get this as a regular email.  In the next months, there maybe more blah blah that pics, so if you are not interested in having my out loud thinking in your mailbox, just let me know.  To see if you are reading and interested, if I don't hear from you in the next few postings I will zap you off the distribution list and then tell you when I am travelling again.  Txs.]

Thud....back to reality

         Got up and looked at the clock….5:45 am Sunday so 5:45 pm and Sunday walking market time in Chaingmai.  .…so I mentally walked over to the coffee spot and get ready to stand for the Thai anthem  Reality....Out the window, there is a light dust of snow on the ground and trees…which will be gone as soon as the sun awakes.  In upstate NY…with only 57 days of full sun, that might not be today.  It is so different here from 62 days of full sun and warm and in BKK…steamy. While the house looks great and Beth did a super job of getting the place cleaned up and back in order after the painter…I now see too much stuff…and things that need to be tended to but for this weekend, I will watch SU basketball, go through mail, organize the checkbook…see that I have stuff ready for taxes and plan some retreats.  

        I really don’t want to get engaged in “stuff” and would be happy to try to get my sleep pattern back and figure a way to maintain my body at the optimum level. 

        So my first plan of attach is my ego which says that if I do something heroic for someone, I will be appreciated.  I am 73+ and still have not accepted my reality. So it is time to get real, know that I enjoy my own company and I am happiest when I am alone and then enjoying others company as a “desert”.  

        I need to rid my body of the excess stomach/belly fat so I must change my diet and putting my food first.   I had hoped to get myself on a routine while in Asia but that did not happen.  Not even meditating daily and my qigong goes when I am not in class.  What drags me down some path of wasting time?  I guess I will give myself a point for recognition if not action.  (My name on the “zone” where I play spades once a day is ImaTimewaster and that is very true handle.)   

       This week I have tried to keep my schedule pretty light and I am going to try to limit my commitments to 5hrs a week outside my body and health schedule.
       Managed to do two loads of laundry… but much of the Thai stuff is still on the dining room table…. 
       So for today… a photo show, buy kitty litter, cook and continue to move my body a head eleven hours.     

little blah blah today ....part of my Buddha consciousness....no suffering.
I love these little balls....you can make them ahead and then just reheat them.... they look terrific and they would be more interesting that sh...t on a stick at the festival.....

this is a crape type thing and this one has chocolate and strawberry...ok not for everyone...but there are some yuppies who might buy it

And the shoes....definately not my foot.   Although this is the best of both worlds....and sensible sole with an illusion of style.







The fruit is so wonderful...oh that I had a kitchen and could make a salad.

of course I am outside looking in....but it is a very beautiful car.   by the way....I am currently a fugitive from justice since I will owe the Thai government 1000bht for my expired visa...(shhhh)  if I am caught before...it could be $500.

and so far well for another year..... and like the sun....I am sinking into a 29hr journey and home

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last full day and night

I did my meditation at the Wat this am... walking behind the alter and sitting in one of the seats... the monks were chanting and the woman responding.   Funny....last night I watched One for the money ...I love the series...but the movie felt like Heigil was bored and she produced.... so i continued my movie experience and saw a 3D vrs of Circus du Soliel.... such talent.   I can't even pull myself out of pool and these folks can hang and swing etc...  also loved the movie.... I also watched a man on Aussie  Nature show lower his heart rate to an extremely slow speed so that he could increase his accuracy in shooting...   and tonight... for the first time....the river ferry boat driver left the dock tie man when he jumped to the dock...the ferry had to do a u-turn and eventually backed into the dock and then had to uturn again.... thank goodness I can walk up and down stairs and have much more confidence when jumping to the dock... off to get a massage.... and a little dinner... then home to organize my stuff so I am ready to check out at 11.  Tomorrow....t  toes...

by the dawns early light

There is nothing like Khosan Road at night....it is the beat beat beat...of the music and the beer and the hoka's and the women with long hair and the men with baggy pants...The contrast to the Wat and slow walking people was startling ....but morning on the road is very different... folks are sleeping...and it is hot...this block of ice is very inviting.

 at 8:45 in the morning...some are still up and looking for a brews

there is more empty space and more sleeping animals

 and sleeping business stalls and sleeping toys










The re purposing of Kodak

t 

This made this little guy's hair stand up...

The crew at breakfast.   the smoker was with three other smokers who went outside three times to light up.....why bother eating well     some do computers, some read and others play cards...all good

a day at the temple

I sat with the women worshipers for lunch...drank my water and then went to my class.....rising/falling, pain, itch, fear/contentment, thinking, hearing.......right step, standing,left foot turning..... and I got money out of ATM....   happy bonny

back in Bangkok without a bank

Love it when you get such fun messages....just when you think you have everything planned out....you find you don't.   The tuk came for me at 2:15 for a 3:30 flight.  The airport is 15 min away.... unless you have a Buddha moving parade going down the mote which makes every thing come to a parking lot.  Having been at the flower parade which lasted more than 3 hrs.... I thought....ok well another night in CM.  The traffic started to move a little but we still could not take a normal way to the airport. The tuk driver, not a young man, was a race car driver in another life.  I only panicked when we were head on with a large car...but the car driver knew to get off the road.  I had to have a handle on the bags for they almost fell out of the fly tuk.   I did make the plane but only after I had to shove stuff out of the suit case and into a handbag so it would pass the 20k limit for stowed bags.  When I arrived in BKK the driver I had hired was 1/2 late and I found my money was low and the bank card did not allow a withdrawal....yes to emergency cash...never leave home without it.... so I am settled into a room  that is quiet ..has air..shower..and the lobby has a pool...There are good experiences since they encourage you to want to be home...not moving...no place to go...nothing to do.   I will try for money today... and then take a tuk to the Wat for a Insight meditation lesson... and all is well...

a Fah Spa experience

I was relating my Fah Spa experience and my Canadian buddy wondered if I was going to post about it.  I am willing to try about anything and have really jumped into many different moralities during my time here...I had booked a three hour experience with Lily at the Fah but was disappointed to hear there was a death in the family and Lily was not there.  When the woman told me, she added that they have a nice man to do the work.  I watched the words come out of my mouth as I said, oh I am not sure I want a man doing the scrub... as she walked away, I was quick to say, that will be fine.  What is the difference between a lady boy and a "man".  Ochin...was very slight and actually was smaller than Lily.
In trying to be Thai....i  took my shoes off and then bit my tongue as we walked along a very hot walk way to the room.  The room was very nice... a toilet, a shower, whirlpool and massage table.  There were many open dishes of stuff that was going to lathered on to me.  You can tell this is a classy place...they had xlarge disposable black pants.   By the time they roll it down there and pull it over here.. the thong only covers about 2' inches of vital body area.
So let the games begin.  Ochin pushed so much salt on my body that it took multiple cute-tips and about 15 min to get it all out of my navel...It was more salt than I would put on a super size box of french fries.   After I was salted from the forehead to toes... i showered and put on the second pair of xl disposable postage stamps and got back on the table.
I had wondered why they had asked about the pressure of the massage... I said medium...but that means whatever Ochin thinks of doing.   I was soon to know this was not a cruise ship rub... when he climbed on the table and knelt on the back of my legs.  I  was humming he ain't heavy he's my brother as he hopped up and down my downward facing muscles. This is when I think of karma and should have been nicer to Joni etc... By the end of the hour, I thought I should  cancel the mammogram...there is no cyst or tumer lurking in there since I  don't think Ochin has ever had his hands on 40D...material and spend a great deal of tie seeing how many ways I can move.... I must say in an hour, you can push a great deal of oil into the body.  
The facial was both a relief and a disappointment.  Unlike the BKK folks, they don't push at ever pore on the face but slather and wash and slather  They used a mask..but this one they washed off unlike the BKK chisel if off your face while you are hoping you have eyebrows.....it was nice in that I am not sure i could take any more pushing and pulling.  i checked to see if they had a t-shirt... i survived the Fah Oriental treatment.  my skin is very soft....so what did you do for 60 days.... i got in touch with a little more of myself... had a lot of massages... saw more of the country side... and I am smiling

Chaingmai International Music Festival

This weekend is the international music festival at the three kings monument square.  .  The area is just a little bigger than Lunsford Park... There were displays from Germany,  Italy, India, with food and Burma with books and info from the Friends of Books group that operate a book service to Burma.  Some of the music was really outstanding and the spanish somba and chacha got many to thier feet. I just tried to blend in with the photogs and got some pics....crowd pics  then musicians

The groups were from spain/france with Thai singer,   italy   and Japan..

 This guy was remarkable and played a few instruments that I had never seen.   I spoke with him after and he is from spain/france and travels all over and plays with many groups.  I think the group name was mango.... they played and the Thain woman danced and sang... great stuff.

 The duo was from Japan and he played an electronic keyboard, drum a voice mixer and this long horn... and the woman sang and played an ancient stringed instrument and drum.  The crowd was more samba...but they were well received and very wonder sounds... The roving flood lights made picture taking a challenge.... nice evening.

The first picture was from the information talk I heard last night re Burma - these are two of the orphans that live at the School of Hope at the boarder.  If they were not at the school they would be trafficked or in the army.  They want to be teachers and musicians preserving the ethnic group.  While it was very hard to understand, it is clear that most of the "calm" in Burma is just show and it is the same same with very little different. They sang a song for the group

There is a little Thai food place near Thapae Gate that serves a $3.00 eggs, toast, juice, coffee and if  she knows you, she works her majic on the latte...  my friend Jim was leaving for Pai ...he has a white mustash and keeps his glasses at his neck when he eats.... this is his coffee and good wishes.  She does this with the foam - whipped cream and some chocolate on a stick...

time out

I was lucky to stop in to the statue place, All is well that ends well but I have learned that you have to go to a special internet place to get a document printed and then to a special overseas fax place to get it faxed... hopefullly everything is lined up and the statue is on the way.

i am going to take some time to read, meditate, and give some serious thought to my next phase of life....what is my reality.

i have reread some of my posts...and it is time to just say.....rising.....falling..... om.

i have a few pictures that I will post before I leave in a week.... I am ok... not  sick...just need time

a week to go....

Yesterday I got my new choppers and they appear to chop.   It is much more stuff in my mouth, but the good Dr Lek cut the bridge down as much as he could and there is much more chewing area than the bridge that I had. and it contains five teeth...so lots of metal to hold the deal in place.   I can see now that what I had was not as matching to my natural teeth so I chewed on one side more than the other.  For anyone who says...oh how could you go to the dentist in this Asian country... they are good ...very good.  I had really no pain from the extraction nor the new crown and I have more confidence in my bite than i have had in years. Also my front tooth looks like it should be there and not half falling out....  So for a deep cleaning, 5 xrays, a partial/aborted root canal, tooth extraction, crown on a molar, and a new five tooth partial upper plate... $1125.  The savings would be the airfare.

On Tuesday I found there was a snag with statue shipment.  It appears that the US customs require all crates to be monitored and verified and you need a broker.  The broker doesn't take credit cards but a money order or certified check... so I strarted working on that yesterday and later found my good Summit creidit union could take care of a cashiers check.. and I have located print and fax place here in Chaing Mai for the paperwork...so just a hiccup in the process ....but good think  I stopped at the statue store.  I will try to think if there is anything I can not live without ie shopping and tend to that today...

There is limited lighting for early morning writing since the bathroom light is on the flicker phase so I put on the aussie tv and I must stay I have to turn off the sound.  They talk so fast and then slow up for one or two words.... very hard to understand.... 

Sunday night we had a real down pour at about 5:30 to 6ish... I got to the coffee shop and moved a chair to a small dry spot outside and watch the rain.   I stopped just after 6 and everyone opened up and the shoppers for the Sunday market comeback alive.  Had my first pizza..it was really good...Mediterranean...thin crust....and a chang... 

Monday was more of the same... downpour then clear.   The first came as I had my peanut butter and dark bread in between Qigong and Acu.  Fortunately, I bought a raincoat which is something like a shower curtain made into a coat with a hood.  A very good 35 bhat investment and you can wear it on the scooter...which was a good thing since it was raining for the dentist travel.   We are getting closer to new teeth and with luck that will be complete on Weds.  I had planned on going to the movies last night...but I am not supper found of night driving out of the old city and with the dark rain... to a very out of the way place... so a baked potato and a mango shake sounded like a plan.  

I will venture back to the Hilltribe market to day after the cranial work..it is more or less on the way and while it will be hot and raining...might get lucky and try to locate the scraps that are selected.  i bought a bunch of other stuff  the other day and now I will have the creative opportunity to figure what to do with the stuff.  

I like to spend about a minute shopping... ok ...does it fit can I live with the color and can I afford it... ..ok..bag it and I am out of here.  I have now been to the purse shop three times... and probably will not buy one.   i have been to every bookstore  and probably not buy an other book...  getting into wind down time....

Phat

For the past several years I have talked about Phat or  Pat who works at the Lila's massage and whom I see at least once a week.  Meeting a woman like Phat and thinking how fate or karma works to put us in one place or another.  I am reasonably smart but she is very smart and much ore motivated than myself.  She is from a farm family in the ChaingRai area...her father now has had heart surgery and is 63 as is her mother.  Her father is not able to work the farm and so she helps when she can.  Her mom and her daughter live there for a few more weeks when her daughter will come to ChaingMai.  She moved here when she was 18ish and started to go to college and got a job in a bakery.  She learned accounting and did books and the bakery but was not able to make ends meet...so when the mother of her friend whom she was staying with offered her an "opportunity in sales" she thought why not.   The product was drugs and while she did sell, she was home watching tv when the bust occurred.  There was a flury of accusations and in the end...the mother got 33 hrs and Phat got six and served 4.5.   She has one more year to report annually.  While in prison, she because certified in flower arrangement, massage anatomy, massage, oil massage, facials  and basic business.  She can do nails but does not feel confident.  She has been at lili for enough years to be responsible for opening the shop and doing some books.   She has a scooter, and apartment and has made application for her daughter to go to a school near the shop.  She goes to work at 8 and leaves at 8 ...six days a week....  The number of kids that I worked with that stay out of the system are few... Phat tells me that once they start at Lili....they stay and get their act together.    Where would I be??? like to think there..but... maybe not....   Phat is a friend on Facebook if Cheryl and/or Kim want to give her a shout....she will be 40 in August...my mother's birthday..the 13th....

a day by the lake

I had a great breakfast and then went "shopping" for the patches and purses.   I don't have the patience to shop and even less to shop for others.... I stopped and make the apt with Lily for
Friday afternoon and also booked with Pat for tomorrow... I had there was a lake not too far out of town so I scooted toward the zoo and then out route 121.  I was not sure where I was headed and I have found that once you leave the main drag often the highway notes are not in script I can read...but I found it, paid the 40 bhat and drove around for a little.  There are little grass huts along the water front and finally I just parked the bike and walked along the huts until I found a frang who told me...just take a empty one and sit down.   The refreshment crew will come along soon and you can get food and drinks. So I plopped down with my book, got a beer, beer opener, glass, and bucket of ice.... and settled in for an afternoon by the water with the beer and breeze.  The ride was enjoyable and this was a very nice day as I begin my final week in ChaingMai.

the little shacks could hold four but two would be comfortable.  A few were larger. People were swimming and you could rent "swans"....I opted to read and drink my Chang... happy bonny.  In the upper right corner you can see a "bell" which looks a little like an elephant bell..I think you bang  on that if you need more  anything.  I had some very unripe mango....  
Met J for dinner at the Peppermint.   The couple next to us were not speaking... it was definately chew your foot off time for them...   \Busy take care of bonny week... meditate, qigong, acupuncture, cranial treatment ...massage, facial, etc.. and I will be ready to return... same same but different.

post newyears

You get a glimpse of what it is like to be in ChaingMai without visitors after the New Years.  I think it must be a school holiday time in China but there is a very big drop in folks.  Yesterday after my massage I checked to see if there was any room next week and she opened a blank page for the entire spa.  Last night I went to  the Night Market...thought I might catch some pics of the dancers.  I stopped at a Mideastern place.  I ordered the #2 on the menu....  The place had about room for 60 people.  There were about 20 people in the place.   They brought a coke and I sat....and after 50 minutes I paid for the coke and left.   I will be interested to see if he stays in business... if he could only have brought me some bread... oh well.  ...as I was walking down the street, a wait staff ran after me and said my dinner was ready.   i don't think it is my dinner....  It was not a good eating night.  I went to an Italian place an ordered fresh pasta with a spicy tomato sauce.   The cook is a friend of the pappya salad maker at the market... spicy was an understatement. I ate what I could and came home...
Walking through the streets you see Thai's that have left their home, set up the stall, and wait. The tuk drivers are sitting on blocks talking and the stall keepers continue to tidy the stock to keep busy.
The highlight of the day was the Fah massage..by Lily... This is the first real stretching I have had since Martin... Tomorrow is shop of everyone day... but i will have a great breakfast.

The two second delay revisited

I am coming to have an appreciation for the process of insight meditation and more, why meditate. I thought it was to quiet your mind but I am beginning to get a glimpse that it has more to do with training your mind for life. When you consciousness is presented with a stimulus, there is a non emotional assessment is this something I like or don't like. The unchecked mind can can use the second moment of delay and spring into action and put emotion behind the assessment in the manner of craving and aversion. To put this into an example. You are just sitting eating your lunch and along comes a delicious waiter....you non-emotional mind says....like...and if you have your 2 second delay, you are engaged in a craving and are thinking...mmm that would be nice and it is then up to many factors, some beyond your rational mind and if you act upon.... I want that for dessert... you are on a slippery slope toward complications and in the long run, most probably someone will get hurt. However, if you have your adult mind working, you can say, I am in a relationship and while flirting would be a fun game, it could be dangerous. Or you might say, let's get out the first level of criteria re bringing someone into your life... such as, is this person a mass murder etc.. and you start the process of assessment toward continued contact etc. Now in the end, having gone through many levels of criteria, you might end up with clothes on the floor, but you have been in control of the mind and are aware of what is happening and have passes through some time and space to a level of understanding what you are doing rather than having the mind give the throttle to ego.... who says...mmm the other person thinks I am delicious also... mmmm sounds like a picnic.... mindfulness does not take away passion and in fact adds to it for when the desert finally is served....the consumer is more aware of what the goo is made of.... and hence the teenager becomes an adult... but learning about craving and aversion....and they lived happily ever after......