routine

I am on a little bit of a hold today since my  dental apt is tomorrow and then I will know when to schedule the Reiki class, the Thai language class etc.i want to start both soon so I can work more on my self and my accommodation to this culture. My lessons in  my practice has settled on the concept of compassion. From the readings of today I am learning how to be grateful for enemies.  When things are calm. I can be calm, but when I am hit with the brick, it is then that my true nature comes out.  How arrogant to think that I will not be hit or that no one would want to hit me or think that I should be told "off".  It is these things that bring about the cross-roads and help to show the path to patience and compassion.  if I did not know pain how could I understand any one's pain.  When things are going along, we can think everyone is happy and in the stream...but when you are tossed off path, you can see just how many others are suffering.

A horse of a different color

Last year I said something to someone I thought to be a friend.  I said it with love and the intent of being helpful.  Months later I found that not only were my words not helpful but were seen as disrespectful. This has made a shift in the relationship and in my opinion we are much less connected and I engage in much more chatter.  Not everyone is a friend, even if family. Not everyone is interested in my thoughts.  I am and I see my struggle and effort and smile for it is the effort not the progress.  I see I am miles from where I was.  There is only a shadow of the was self..but some will take more comfort in holding the old picture they do not like.  It is all good.

You can look and see the imperfect or the  potential or the shape orthe color

There is no right.

What we eat affect how we live and work and see the world. 

So goodbye for now.

thoughts

When I started high school, I went to the school my mother thought would be best for me.  My best friends went to another school. The selected school was fed by two very large local grade schools, so better than half of my class knew each other and had been friends for years.  I was an outsider. I also was a closet illiterate and was hoping my inability to spell would go unnoticed. This was a great friendly school...unless you were on the outside looking in.  It felt like there were two classes, the happy academy and a very unhappy outsider.
Two things happened - 1) Molly Moore befriended me. She was on the fringe of the in crowd and 2) basketball season arrived andI was a better player than many.  While it was painful, I have always been happy for the experience since it made me more sensitive to those who are not "in".  I was reading on Facebook this week how great my community is and that we all help each other.  That is true if you are one of the 1/23 people who are connected. But what about the other 2000.
The feeling of the high school outsider was very real to me and again I felt that there must be a way to open the connective gates. The argument will be made that no one is keeping those who feel out from joining. But it is not easy to enter a room of friends and ask to join.
So for today a renewed commitment to compassion and inclusion and bringing the myth of the great community to be a reaity for more

sunday market

As I walked down a side soi last night to go to the market, I came upon a woman cooking something.  She was very intent and so I stood off to the side and snapped some shots of her.  All of a sudden she got into a conversation with the person behind her and started flailing her arms about.  She was very unaware of me and the camera so I just snapped a few shots of her exuberance.  I called this too many scooters but I think she was trying to say that she hopped someone did not come and set up in front of her.  I think she was a extra...ie. had not paid for a spot.

The Sunday market had many of the same people and I bought my Thai pants and two shirts from the same people.  The Hare Krishna now go banging through just before the King Anthem and they are full of energy.  It is interesting to watch people shop.  Many are very cautious

 On the top left was a Chinese woman who was buying a necklace.  It was about to cost her $5 and she spent a great deal of time deciding.  The next was actually on the way home.  I walked down a very dark Soi and there was a light.  When I looked in there was a man at a sewing machine working away on a project.  it was only 7:30 but it was market night and he was busy.
The next I call sad woman with blue glasses.  She should have red glasses.  She was the third wheel on the trip and she felt it and was stuck with it.  The other two wheels, just talked and talked but she was not in the mix and you can see that.
I was kind to the woman in the top right since you only see a third of her breast and non of her stomach.  Now that I am losing wt, I am so away of how many stomachs jiggle. (157 this am....12 to go)
On the bottom...I am am not sure what the woman in the kimono was about. She was with a man in an equal outfit and they looked like they were at a Samurai conference.. The light bulb over the woman with the stiff hair struck me.... she was definitely getting an idea about what to buy.
The last was a different kind of street person.   I think he is Thai but hard to say since he was tattooed and with a bone in his ear and the turban.   But he was definitely shopping for dishtowels....go figure.

words

Perception is language. We can  not be a moment without being in language: we live in words much as we live in air. Even a single word is not reality. Dog. Your dog and my dog are very different. Both are real to each of us but the meaning of the sender of a personal picture of dog is different. Even it were that dog that both are looking at there is different emotion attached to each view.
It come to my mind that we rarely communicate but accept some strange form of shorthand with little clarity. If the recipient is fond of the sender...then there is compassion and the benefit from any doubt that there was ill intent to the words. But if the sender is suspect or there is an experience that the words are to be an attack or "bomb" then even neutral words or opinions will be viewed as negative.  So the moral. ... WORDS ARE LIKE TOOTHPASTE. .ONCE OUT OF THE TUBE YOU CAN NOT GET THEM BACK.  mindful speech but know the heart of the listener.

one sheet to the wind

I love my little house and the folks are very helpful BUT I have found that the folks who are the room cleaners do not understand American bed making preference. Yesterday was change day so they came and cleaned the floor and mopped the bathroom.  This meant that my washcloth and top sheet were replaced with nothing. There is a bottom on top of the box spring and under the comforter...but no top.  I stopped to make a reservation for Sunday massage and Phat said try the cmart ..so off I went.

What I found was a package of bedding. 5 pieces. So I bought the package and when I got home I found is consists of a fitted bottom sheet 2 pillowcases and 2 shams....no top sheet.   As you might see the bottom is now my top and the pillowcase my stool towel...all good. Now my massage. 

thoughts

It all started with the pause. You don't realize you are slipping away your authentic self until you look in a non ego mirror and and you see a slight shadow of who you know your self to be. Living intentionally takes patience and practice. To have the right view you need to wear ego less lenses and put great energy into your own life. When you are doing a project or working on a task, you give permission to vary from the routine of your core life ..meditation, right food, rest, , etc you eat up your reserves both your emotional and physical capital and eventually you take away from the joy of the task since you are both tired and without routine.

School

On my way to porrage and acupuncture I passed several schools with the kids getting dropped off.  They are given money for lunch and then they make choices......


FRIES or FRUIT

The fry lady was very busy

 
This little one had money for dry cereal...

Evening temple

 I stopped at the oldest temple yesterday and found the young monks getting ready for evening chant. They moving things from one place to another while the Wat dogs moved about. It was laundry day and I wished to drop mine off.  I have not mastered the art of blogging on the tablet. So I am now on the Acer and it is amazing the difference.  I did get a chance to do a few art shots so I will add them now

 So the top left is a tassel hanging on the clothes line.  the left is a grate and the bottom is the roof of the old building....
After all the scampering about and ringing of bells and setting up, the boys settled in to evening chant.

.

Time Flys when you are having fun

If you ever wonder if I am alive I try to put a picture a day on Facebook. Sometimes I am working on pictures or myself and don't want to take a break to post...all good.

My sleep is getting better.  Dr wants me slow the weight loss, drink more water and sleep 7 hrs. I have lost muscle so I am doing squats. I have not been interested in the Chang and the wine and popcorn at the documentary arts without salt is not inviting but I engage. I have lost 3 lbs and I get an average of 5 hrs of actual sleep according to the  fit deal on my wrist. I have had  3 massage -one 2hr with Phat and two  foot massage at the Wat. I had a very sore big toe and as she was grinding the stick into my foot I thought either I would pass out with the pain or it would feel better. The later was true.
So some catch up. Still many Chinese people here. You tell them because they are almost always on the phone texting. They eat often and they are very thin. Phat says they are only happy with very hard massage. I am sure to tell everyone that I am not Chinese. Also they are mostly with a hat.
I went to the health food store yesterday and purchased a tea strainer and Jasmine tea as well as sunflower seeds to snack on. I found H&H at breakfast yesterday and Henry had taken his morning ride to the zoo so things are moving towards normal. We will have a New Year dinner one of these nights. Break.

New Year's Eve

When you travel across several time zones your clock gets confused. When your body doesn't know what to eat or when, you add to the tiredness. I slept most of the day but did get to the  Gate for the celebration.  I believe that this is not the start of the new year for the Thai calendar (birth of Buddha) but any opportunity for family to gather and a holiday is reason enough to take a holiday and send off some fireworks. H&H were not well so we did not meet for dinner. I had a baked potato which I ate walking down the back alley with Jeannine. She was going to connect with some friends which gave me more opportunity to pay attention to my hearing needs. Fireworks are readily available here and everyone appears to want to either send them up with the lantern or just shoot them off. Amazingly no one appeared to be hurt or burned but bang bang was the sound of the evening.
For  lunch I stopped at the Dada Cafe near the Mungala clinic and had a Mr Energy Smoothie pineapple and GINGER.  It gave me so much energy I went home and slept for three hrs. Sitting at the next table were a family of four. Getting me from here to there is hard enough but to schlep two little ones in strollers is beyond my imagination.  The one was passed out on mom's lap but the other had such a nice face, I wanted to share.

I also thought what a great cost is to order food for children that would rather play with the food than eat.

I rode the bike to Jeannine's guest house and then walked from there so I am keeping up the exercise. Today I will get back on track with my study, meditation, and food. 

I also had a good day, I fixed the zipper on my  suitcase.  I will get heavy thread and needles to assure it will not open. 

So for a learned lesson.  Very few people are working on themselves. Most really don't want to know what others observe but prefer to believe they are loved and wonderful.  Emotional attachment to your own fantasy of how you are seen is more important than someone else's opinion. I have caused myself grief by giving an opinion when it was not requested. I can and will have opinions but unless some one's actions will hurt another, they are just my opinions and I will live with them.  I will not isolate but be much more careful about attachments and selective with friends.  I am more interested in living than passing time at the"beach".

Ok back to the New Year's celebration. 

This is a collage I put on Facebook. The photos were taken primarily to the left of the Thapee Gate. The top photo is actually the after shot. What goes up must come down and so this morning the street sweepers will be picking up thousands of spent lanterns. When I lived on the bay as I walked through the parking lot I thought half of Irondequoit must have been conceived there.  Seeing these grey paper mounds reminded me of the parking lot condoms.

There were many selling the lanterns. They tried to get the people to light them away from the trees but some were so interested in lighting and the lift off that they did not pay attention to the direction. I think that is another lesson. The bottom left is Jeannine and her lantern and the others are just some of the different shapes - big small heart shaped, etc.

This also is a religious time for re commitment to the precepts so I passed through a Wat on the way back to the bike.  And all is well and a new day....think will you let it pass uselessly away.

Monday happy eating

I did not feel super yesterday so i took to the bed and slept most of the day. I am to eat carefully as in nothing fried, no fruit,  yogurt...so good excuse for a jok day. I am not a fish eater but in setting up the fish picture, I realized the fish was alive and seeking air. I enjoy the eggplant picture much more. The final shot is a Buddha...from which Wat?

Sunday late Dec 2013

I am finally on my Acer which means I have a keyboard and can do some things differently with the pictures. It was a long night since my body woke me up to say.... best be in the bathroom. I had portage and now I am just tired....so no place to go... until 5:30 and I will take a good nap..Many of the little places are closed for the New Year. The non Chinese Thai will celebrate the same as US. During my up for bathroom several hours, I watched a Chinese movie about expectations and disappointment. It is all good and I am getting clearer about some mistakes I have made that have caused me some unhappiness and some actions that I have taken that have eased my way but may have caused some unhappiness.  It is interesting the judgments we make and that others about us.  After a few days...I am feeling much more settled.
There are several new places to eat...nice kitchen which is run by the blue diamond family and Funky Dog which takes its name from the little guy sitting out in front.

   The two women in the pictures were cooking in the little soi market..
I think they are following the father Mayer command to cook hard.
And so another laze Sunday with the market this evening...and all is good..

finally awake

I knew I was in trouble as I felt my eyes going closed as I was eating with H&H. The trip was longer since I left home mid day on Christmas eve and  arrived here at 11 pm the day after with only snatch and grab shut eye...I was very tired.  Last night I was in bed from 8pm until 7am and actually got about 9 hrs sleep.

Dried fruit and nuts

I was grateful to run into H&H for breakfast since I knew Hanna was concerned about my driving home last night. Her Dr apt appears to have gone well. The diet is salt free which is not easy to explain in Asia. Having to eat out all the time is also very hard on a strict food program.
Today I was on a quest for a sweatshirt.  Size is one thing and winter clothing in a usually warm climate I not easy.

This relief above  was on a statue in a Watt.

I will not be visible in the camouflage sweatshirt.

This I am calling, eating on the job. I love the colors and the complexity of what might appear a simple life.

same same but .....

Hong Kong to Bkk  is not as far but NYC to Hong Kong was still 2 meals and 4 movies.  The Chinese are conservative with water.  I had 2 bottles with me and drank both.  This time upon arrival I went to the taxi desk and got a cab. Throughout the trip everyone helped with bags and doors etc. even when I did not want help. This cabbie got the memo and at 11:30 at night after schlepping through 3 airports and miles of moving and non moving walkways. I am almost not moving and the cabbie walked three feet ahead of me (now feeling like a little old lady in need of help). As he looked at the paper with the address in Thai and English...and asked the name of the place again and got the same answer...InstantStable...he finally said do you know where you are going. Of course my response was yes.   I know how to get there in daylight from Rod's but how hard could this be? I was good by the airport plaza, customs, the elephant statutes and even the u turn. Then we started down a very dark street with all the shops and bars dark. Where is the place? Soi 6....was my only response...a Soi 7 and the next block Soi 6 was all dark. I could make out the sign IntentStable...ok close,  paid the cabbie and stepped away with my bags on a deserted street with a locked gate.
The universe must have recognized my state for a man on a motorcycle came up called someone and the gate opened. I hope this happens at the heavenly gates. I am sure the woman was only expecting the gentleman caller but she went to a building in the back fetched a woman in a flannel nightgown who came out and hugged me and said I looked different.
The bungalow I am in is not the same one I looked at...the next one over and smaller but same same.  Beth would like this it is in Lana style.  Desk, small refrigerator, HARD king bed with no top sheet and one blanket (Rod was not kidding about it being cold. I folded the blanket and was warm enough). The three step down bath reminds me of the Nest. Since this is a new built place there are 7 electrical outlets..so I am wired and recharged.
Before my host left me for the night she wanted to know if I wanted food...my new body must cause her to think I am in need of repair.  There is a little box for my valuable items and a bike lock for the front door.
I will buy a pillow at the Sunday market for my less padded butt on the stool. I am up for Rod's drop in class today, then off for supplies...tea,deodorant, coconut shampoo, TP, and a thick towel.
There is a rooster, and there was a cat sleeping on my porch, but I heard nothing from the Wat next door.  It is QUIET....
Hopefully I will hook up with H&H for dinner and stop by Jeannine's later.
I will find out about the gate at night and then,  I will call this home.

hong kong

Thank you Monika for the Trader Joe chocolate. It has become my travel food. I was grateful for my  water bottles since the Chinese did not push water like the Thai and Korean air.  I also was pleased to get an end seat. I did 4 movies and slept for an hour. When I got to Starbucks and the sign said $41 for a Turkey sandwich. True but Hong Kong $ so it was only $6.
I have lost my pillow, earphones and and broken my duffle zipper but I found the bungalows and have organized the room.  This was Hong Kong airport. Until tomorrow....

a new pen

This journey to the the land of smiles feels like a journey to my true self. I will be with my Thai Canadian friends, but for the first time, no one from home. I finished the house and it is time to move on and follow my personal path and leave the expectations of others. Somewhere as I walk the streets, kneel in morning mindfulness, I will be on a quest to reach into my soul to take pictures with a clear and honest head. In doing so I will let the words tumble on to pages so I can try to find my voice and watch my thinking..  There will be photo pictures for the viewer and word pictures so I can watch my writers mind fid voice.
Not everyone likes every writer, the style, the words, but that doesn't matter.
The first words I put on paper were songs, then the Haiku. I have gotten lost in the politics of writing for an audience and making nice. I bore me. When true to my soul I sing of overcoming and injustice..the time has come to get back to myself. I will struggle but the journey is all that matters and if I leave people...thanks for walking as long as you did...but farewell.  So hang on this will be a bumpy ride.

Thanksgiving Mountain Path

               I think the weight loss process has had a very deep impact upon my life and lifestyle.  After 60plus days of eating mindfully I am so aware of what is going into my body and also what makes me feel good.  I read this morning that many Americans push 14,000 calories into their body in one day. How can that be?.... easy.  A few glasses of good eggnog ending with a big piece of pecan pie and the rest of the stuff and stuffing... and boom....you do the math.   This is not going to be a rant on eat less or vegetarian or vegan or anything, it is more about mindfulness and what is being consumed.    

               Once I had the pattern for the appropriate food consumption – quality and quantity, I began looking at the stuff and people consumption.  I shop differently than I did.  I still keep my eye open for things in the store, especially woodshops, tool stores and book havens, and stop and pick up the item, but then I ask, when would I use this, could I borrow it from someone if only once or twice, etc. or would my goals or someone in life be enhanced if I had this or is there a lesson to be learned from this connection.  Many things in my home have made their way to other homes or the street and then to someplace.  Their connection with my life has passed or maybe was never connected.

               People are not as easy to discern.  Like items in the store, there is an attraction to the attractive and those that please, praise, or promote your life.  Being a self-critical person who can find the flaw in the flaw, these folk’s help me to look up and away from my shoes.  

               Over time, I have learned more about the “long haul” and have said good speed to many who have come and flared and faded.  Over time, I have said hello again to those that pass several times throughout the lifespan.  

                I also have learned that I need those that feel less positive toward me and my ways.   There are corners on the relationships that occasionally cause splinters or bruises.  They make up balance and help to maintain the center.   I need those people even when there marks are the extreme and painful.  They help me to have compassion for myself and those that are suffering themselves.

               My dear friend Henry Wilting (of H&H) sent this picture to me this week.  It is the gate at the bottom of the hill to Wat Phra on Doi Suthep Mountain and near the Chiang Mai Zoo where Henry rides his bike every morning.   It is the walk to alms for the monks.   Like life...there is a same same  but difference in each person in my life and I am grateful all.

               

Thanksgiving long ago

       Winter can be perfect if the quality and quantity of the snow is appropriate for the planned task.  Skiing is delightful with a deep powder but driving is perfect when there is a dust that covers the grey. The wrong snow for the wrong task is very inconvenient or annoying. 

        This morning produced the kind of snow that turned to ice which results in  wheels spinning for the commuter. By midday, and a rise in temperature, moving the snow off the sidewalk was like shoveling water out of a swimming pool. It was the kind of snow that made your mittens soggy when you attempted to make a snow ball.

        When I was young, this was a holiday that was spent at my uncle’s farm in Ohio.  Mother would always have the suitcases packed and ready the day before.  Dad would always have to just make a quick stop at the office to finish some important sale.  We were lucky if we got out of town by mid-day. 

        One of the problems with travel between Buffalo and Toledo was driving through Pennsylvania. There was always construction even in the winter and there was always snow near Erie, maybe even in July.

        The trip was usually quiet since mom was not happy that we would be arriving after her family’s bedtime and dad was attending to the highway with the snow building up on the road.  The windshield wipers slapped back and forth and once in the car, the wheels just went around and around with only a quick stop for gas and toilet.

        The end of the trip would bring us to Uncle Medard and Aunt Gertrude’s farm and they would get up and bustle about to get us into bedrooms for the night.  Uncle Medard was an industrial plumber with a wide girth.  He told a good story and was an even tempered man.  I would enjoy spending time talking with him and reading is mechanics illustrated books.  Aunt Gertrude was a well-meaning woman who always planted the wet kiss on your check upon your arrival.

        It was the mystery meal since you had no idea who would be attending the meal – Medard had three boys and a girl.  Rev Simeon only came in the summer but in the very early days, Joe and Jim came with their family.  Then Joe and his wife split and he came with the new wife occasionally.  Jim and his crew would come for the meal and then leave until he decided to take a permanent leave. Mary Ellen and her crew were the steady family and over the years would be the only connection.  Mother was very close to Mary Ellen and I always felt they had a much closer connection than mom and I.   It all feels like another life time now... the chicken plucker in the basement, the hen house, the nut crusher in the yard, the riding mower... long ago.

         We would drive, talk, eat and then drive home again in the dark and like today, it would snowed.   

RECOVERY

RECOVERY

About 20 days before my seventy-fourth birthday, I got an email that had a great impact upon my core sense of self.   This is what I have taken from the experience.

It has been my practice for a while to get up in the morning with a fairly optimistic, positive, but realistic attitude about who I am and what I am doing.  For a good part of my life, it has been my experience to observe that while I was not at the pinnacle in any area, I could hold my own in a range of experiences.  Cooking, trip planning, photos, storytelling, etc. were a few areas that I counted myself in the top third while spelling, sewing, and flower arrangements were at the bottom.   I had tricked myself into believing that I had a tribe that when needed, could help me grow by pointing out other ways in which I could present myself or my creativity. I listen and give good consideration to comments that are constructive or meant to help.   It took me a long time to share my stories and even longer to share my photos though I have been published in both since high school.  

I am aware that when you put yourself out there, not everyone is going to accept what you create as good and might even not like it. If you want to create, show up, be seen, you will get your ass kicked.  It takes courage and while in writing and photo, I think I am a storyteller; I accept and admit that many have better technical skills and techniques.  I am ok about anything said about my products but this email was about me.  Cheap shots from the cheap seats presented as coming from an anonymous crowd.  It took the wind out of me and sent me scrambling to my cave for it felt mean and intended to hurt.

As it was, a prior commitment made me get back on the writing horse and I was forced to move through “not enough” to “I can do it” and “who do you think you are” and to get out of my own self-pity and back to ...some people will never like your or what you write.  

When you are creative and take a picture either with words or the lens, you are vulnerable.  Fear takes over and piles fuel to your self-doubt. My little inner child grew up thinking I was a mistake and stupid, so when a cannon ball hits you, the little one starts to scream... run, hide, protect yourself, join the foreign legion, etc. that person is right and that is how EVERYONE see you.

I have just been through a rugged weight loss process where I ate 500-600 calories a day for 40 days and lost about 22 pounds for a total loss since I started being aware of my food of 30 pounds.  I am still a chunky person and at this age my skin is not as supple so ... to help me get on with my creative process, I literally took my clothing off and I wrote naked. I started with the Haiku and then other stuff and finally the article.

I care about what people think. I see you and hear you that praise and don’t like what I create, but naked or not, I am going to create and for today, I am fully clothed.

The floor....NOW

Long ago I remember writing a blog about a travel adventure.  Sometimes it is necessary for me to vanish in order to put the pieces of stuff in my thoughts into a system of words that might make sense to me not alone a reader.  Most of what I have learned and made part of me will make little sense to someone reading unless they are going down the same path.  I think now how smart I was many years ago when I gave up my watch and wore a compass.  I knew it was NOW but where I was in relation to something was an unknown.  It is interesting to me that many of the creatures in the toad and frog family are leaving.  I thought at one time that it was because people were killing them off but I am now wondering if it is because they question their usefulness.   I pick up a book, I go to a retreat, I meditate..... and all of the lessons say...stay in the now.  I know when I am present and get glimpses of a state of bliss, but my conditioning pushes me toward the trap of time which is not a reality.  I put on my frog outfit and start leapfrogging backwards to my distorted replays of things that are not here and cannot be brought to my now.  Other times I leapfrogging forward to the fantasy of the future which I have little control over.

 In my past,  delusions along with joy and happy memories are my judgments and critical thinking ...why did they do that, why did she say that, why did they wear that, why was the weather like that and mostly, how could I have.......

In my future orchestrations and scripting, I set up a scenario of smooth sailing and manipulation of my world to make it what I think it should be or what I think I want only to cause suffering when others or places don't follow my script.

Today, I sand stairs.... my hand goes across the stair tread with  60 – 80 – 120 – 160 sand paper... my ears hear each note of music playing and I am grateful to be here and now and not mid-air in a leaping forward or backward....ah.