Noise – clutter – stuff – ah....

As a popular 90’s book said, “You are never too old to”.... in that case it was ..”have a happy childhood”. In taking time out to see what condition my condition is in, I have already grasped some important hints. One is something that has said to me often, slow down. One of the traits of a dyslectic person is that you head is miles away from your get out the word machine... fingers. My head and thoughts are not only in the next sentence but often paragraph and chapter while my fingers are trying to sap enough grey matter to see how to spell a word. The more I take time to feel/sense/know/experience, the more I am aware of when I am in sync or real.
I have been struggling with the house. Picking things up and putting them down. Stacking things here and there and then moving them from there to here. The more I am experiencing the quiet in the mind, the more I yearn for a quiet in my spirit, home, space. The group I have joined to examine my essence meets in a condo in a former insane asylum. The structure is in a housing unit on the edge of Canandaigua, my favorite town for the rolling through a stop sign offense. I wrestled about joining the group. It will be about $40 a month, it is a 40+ mile drive, and it has been a long time since I looked at the material.
I missed the first session so I came to week two having been reconnected to the old friend and author and was open and ready to be calm and get in touch with my inner self. I was ready to be involved in this process but sometime, the last thing you expect to find is almost as important as the material you are studying.
The house was not easy to find and I had to go exactly the speed limit to find the street and the apt. Another member opened the door, I took off my shoes and entered – calm. There was something remarkable about the place. The furniture was nice, the walls plane, lots of open space yet not stark. It was like Goldilocks's had found her porridge bowl and seat. The room, the quiet, the calms told you that each place had meaning and was selected and placed with care. There was nothing tossed, nothing without meaning or purpose – clean lines but not stark. There did not feel like there were any corners and nothing jagged. I was safe, I was “home” where I could think and feel nurtured but without distractions of a “noisy room”... and it is never too late to have the home of your dreams.

solitude

For weeks I have struggled to put some words to the difference between loneliness and solitude. I glance at the TV and there was another story of a child being pulled out of a space that is inches high where they have waited for either death or life. I think of moments when I, even for a second was in a “tight space”,,,such as the caves of Chiang Dao, the Disney ride that was not moving and the air turned off for a minute or two and I cannot imagine being able to survive Alone and Forsaken. I suspect like many, I have not wanted to watch the pain and suffering of Haiti, but I am amazed and in awe and respect the resiliency of the people and children who were able to survive something that I cannot imagine.
I often select solitude. It isn’t that I isolate as much as a I step out and get some fresh air in the head. These are the times when I have to answer my own tough questions.. who what where why when and most of all how. It is also the time that I realize that I have been floating down some life stream without asking those questions and thus have taken a detour from my more authentic self and ended up in some safe but stagnate pond.
I know I want community and a sense of being part of something. Not just any group nor at any price to others. I am willing to walk to my own beat even if I walk alone. I want mission, goals, common objectives so that it is a playing field with direction and common understanding. I know from times of social consciousness that there are people out there that are not just dish deep and who want the same.
I want to talk about something that is beyond gossip or and gets back to my love of ethics and philosophy. This isn’t for everyone, but it is for me. Somewhere in that rare quit of the mind there is a real me

Culling Life

When you walk into Wegman’s, your first view is often the produce. Everything is lined up perfectly and often with wax coated shine says take me home I am beautiful. There are no flaws, bruises, blemishes much like when I lived and worked in Pittsford, the expression was sunny and 72 degrees in downtown Pittsford. This week, I did my annual Foodlink volunteer for MLK Day and found that if I looked more closely, there are no cans, bottles, and merchandise in the store with any flaws. Foodlink gets them. Anything that doesn’t look like it should live in a perfect world, gets sent out of the store where volunteers sort and then do the final unusable separations. It appeared to me that only 3 of the 11 bins of food made it to the discard and the rest will go on to make a happy meal for some family who will hardly notice the scotch tape on the label or the slight dent in the rim of the bottom of the can.
I do volunteer work at the Abundance Food Coop and I often cull the vegetables. While no one will buy produce that is old, wilted, moldy etc., folks that buy organic farm grown items are not expecting the “perfect” and would be upset to find any alterations such as shine or wax. Same Same but Different.
Last night I started my first Photoshop Class. When I came in and took my seat I was the second last person in and fortunately could get a seat in the small cramped room that allowed my hearing ear to the instructor. A woman complained that she thought there would be only five in the class, which was really welcoming to this late comer. The instructor said that while the ad had said max of 5, there was an interest and they have the room and she likes a big class since each student asks different questions and the class will be even better. The class is on a Mac so everything takes a little adjustment for me and I ended up trashing the week1 folder in the first hour. I must admit that if I only took the first class, I learned a great deal about getting my photos into a good workspace. I took stuff out, like a row of watermelons and put stuff in like more apples in a basket and removed water spots etc.. I am not planning on taking off my age spots in a close up, but, the water spots, telephone lines etc. will be gone.
As I had my last snack for the day, I watched some mindless Hollywood show and saw a very attractive woman talking about having 10 procedures on her body to improve her looks. One was an augmentation where she “grew” to an F size and was hoping to return to get herself to an H. Having always felt that a D inhibited my golf swing and often wished for less and I pondered why? Having lived with someone with a post mastectomy implant, they sure don’t feel the same.
I have taken a few days off from putting my thoughts out because I spent some energy getting more in touch with my authentic self. This means really looking at the entire package – I don’t plan my money well and have ended up annually in January very short of funds. I need to remember the difference between lonely and solitude, which I will write about shortly. I am a kind, honest, giving person and have energy to give back. However, I have been trying to give to those that are not interested and need to seek out places for me to feel respected, welcome and my services wanted.
So, in taking time to cull my life, I feel great and excited about who I am, where I am and the directions I am going. It is a new decade for the calendar and the bonny timeline as I march forward in the 71st year. Some of my cans are dented and just need to be positioned where they are wanted. Some of my patterns need a little airbrushing and some need to be discarded. But most of me is just me... so on with the show.

Nourishment

Bootstrap pulling is a hard deal and there are many days that I think, how long have I been doing this and then I think of the alternative – not being here to do it or leading an unexamined life. Surely seeing my broken friend the other night, reminded me of choices that I have made. Her morphine pump is the result of back pain. At one point, after days of severe pain, I thought of getting Heroin on the street. – I had the money and the means and it was only a matter of a moment’s choice that I could be where she is today. I have a responsibility to tend to the gift of energy, health and a positive attitude.
I have been having a new relationship with my food. I could say it was the measuring cups that I saw in NM, but I think it was connecting to an old food buddy. I still have a beer and go to John’s taco, but it is much more in the scheme of things and part of the plan. I respect food and my body more. Pride in the spontaneous does not have to go by the wayside, it is just an opportunity for awareness.
In my meditation and reflection, I know that I have to put some familiar people, places and things in a different place in my life. Food, nourishment is much greater than what you are consuming into your body via your mouth. I was reminded this week of last May when I wanted to keep the Thai 1 group together and invited everyone to the house. I had to clean up the house, buy and prepare all the food and in the middle of it all, my girlfriend, Lady Dog became ill and I had to go to the vet to retrieve her at the same time I was expecting 14 people to walk thru the door. I had no backup and no one I could find to help. My emotional and physical gage had passed reserve and was on fumes. The very intention of the day, bringing people together, resulted in my feeling very estranged and in retrospect feeling that I was trying to keep a dying horse alive. That night I just felt very alone and depleted. I had overextended and expected some help or at least a little slack. It has not been my history to say, I need help and surely not my history to call folks up and say, I can’t do this, there is nothing left of me. I think that might have been one of the definitive moments of my life, for I looked at nourishment of the soul, of the total bonny.
As my eating is getting more under control and respectful of me, I am recognizing that when we are nourished we know who we are, understand priorities, how we feel and have a clearer awareness of our deep purpose, When I am starving, I don’t respect myself and I am not free to act in a manner that honors my true self.
I am committed to self nourishment – and excited about the new ventures – groups – readings – programs that I have found for myself, I will leave behind some familiar but non supporting people and activities but I truly believe that when we are nourished, we move through life in a steady strong manner rather than when we are depleted and go helplessly reacting to the winds – opinions, actions, lack of actions of others and situations, that blow our way.
I think in the future I will not be wearing boots with straps.

Blast from the past

In doing my house review, I have some simple criteria – is it now or most probably will be useful or does it make me smile. I have two friends that are very dear to me. Neither of them are the suburban nice but Pottery Barn style. One is a collector and a tad bit of a compulsive collector aka clutter and the other is very European and has simple quit yet warm lines with lots of growth space. I have sometimes though that if I could run head long in to both I would have just the place that was good for me. The initial phase of the house spirit stuff has been dreadful... and while it is more organized dreadful, it is still many piles of stuff to go to someone, or someplace. I could not move everything out of the house, decide a space/home for my treasures and then put back, what will stay. .. so I have had to live with some staging places... tools, books etc.
In addition to my stuff, I house inherited stuff from Chuck and then brought to the house stuff that could be important from Buffalo as well as my Mom’s apartment stuff when she passed. There is stuff. But I am more sentimental than you might think and so not easy to just dump for the stake of looks.
When you go through things that are often older than yourself and have been without through your journey, you are pulled back to other times and for me it was the 47 years of work. In the past 24 hrs, I have had contact with two former clients.
One was a terrific e-mail from a Mother of a young boy that was on the razor’s edge for retreating from life or moving on to become a remarkable gifted person. The boy had a severe case of childhood anxiety and to be honest, the mother had a pretty bad case of Motherhood anxiety. A deadly combination. Interestingly, he was one of the few children who did not like me and I had to step out of ego and work through a special ed teacher.
The other was a call from a daughter of a woman that was in a therapy group that I ran for several years back in the 70’s.. The daughter had just comeback from closing Mom’s home in Fl to bring her mom to her home with her family. The client has multiple major health issues the least of which incontinence, raging ADHD, breathing issues and a brain tumor the size of a tennis ball. She will go into the hospital on Wed to do what they are not sure but her claustrophobia makes the MRI nearly impossible etc. The daughter who called at dinner wondered if I could come to her home in Greece at 8 to spend time with her Mom. They had found the phone number and it was very important that her mom see me. Of course I went. And when I sat to engage with Mom she remembered many things that I had said over 30 years ago- very clinical of course... never travel without a trench coat... which was very true for me when I trained across Europe. Never make a decision without drinking a cup of coffee...I used anything to slow down the reaction time... etc. Here was this broken little woman, a very good artist, tethered to an oxygen tank, with a morphine pump and on a snowy night in Greece, I was the therapist I have always been – I stepped out of my own way and let the universe do it’s thing. Like every session and contact over the many years of work, I smiled, said thank you for the experience. All the opinions of my neighbors, times of misunderstandings, etc. where very dim. I was very good at my craft....and am very proud of what I have done with my life. Let me be an instrument of your peace.

Two Screens

I have been a two monitor computer user for a long time. In addition to the two screens, I run a split screen on one computer that shows my calendar and Mailwasher (green bars at the left) which collects my mail from various accounts and beeps as new mail arrives. The calendar is not just a calendar but a Covey/Outlook planner giving me multiple calendars – (my calendar, community activities and a meal/project calendar) and tasks in addition to project time lines etc. .
The other screen holds what I am working on and occasionally the Internet if I am doing some research or in this case, getting ready to past my daily into the blog.
Over the screen is a copy of my Best Year Yet, my clock, a two pictures - my boyfriend and I in character form and GP walking with me at the finish line of the 2004 Marathon. Behind me is CNN humming in the background should something important happen.
In spite everything I read, I am a compulsive multi-tasker and an addicted gadget person. I do a Sunday week plan, slice a chunk of time for projects, workout, etc and have learned I have to schedule fun or I run out of boxes of time. Also, nothing takes the time you think it will...

Last Friday, I scheduled make cookies.. now that should only take a short time ....right.. wrong. The dog ate a stick of butter and I had no wax paper.. off to the store. I stopped at Wilson farm, OK on butter but no wax paper, the dollar store, no..and finally East Ave Wegman’s... tic tic... I only really had one pan that held the cookies correctly.. so I had to do 30 min bakes for 5 batches... clean up etc.. take the picture for the receipt card, print the cards.. bag the cookies and deliver – just drop them off..right...wrong three folks were home and a chat was added to the list..... poof.. a day.


I usually get everything on the list for the day accomplished but it often requires long evenings and time to regroup is taken out of the mix. Also, the housemate sleeps from 9AM – 4PM.. so no heavy pounding or vacuum. I see progress in my house, but like weight loss, it is a pound off and a pound on..it is a room cleaned and some you hardly notice a dent.
I spent some time over the weekend thinking about what changes I need to make in my scheduling and got a hint from my buddy Candy..I need to change my browsing habits. I can get up at 5:30am and hit Facebook and spend 30 good minutes fertilizing someone virtual farm.. now what is wrong with that picture...especially when I am doing this to a neighbors farm who actually is a neighbor and see me as one of the blights of Greenwood re my garden or lack there in. Then I play a few games of Farkle and since I have 75K points, you know it has been a FEW games, check the mail which often calls me to respond – need to get my point across, read the newsletters... and is it noon yet? Candy’s insight was that there needs to be a limit on the time and my insight is that I can’t do this first thing in the am or I fall down a slippery slope.


In the morning paper someone else was looking at reorganizing habits and suggested a N2do= not to do list.. and the first thing I have done...get un-tethered from the e-mail and refocused on the calendar ...Places to go.. Things to do.. and I am out of here.

SUPPORT

I realized as I was putting my Best Year Yet Plan into Goals and thus into my weekly calendar and tasks, that “support” was the focus and direction. I also realize that it is harder than one might think to drop things that don’t support, remain awake to my needs and do whatever to support myself. I also have started one of my goals for the next six months to try and catalogue my photos, touch up the ones that I really like and look for themes. When you can sit across the room and look at your life show, as in your own audience, you get more depth of field. Three photos struck me as parallel to my path.

The first was my morning view or sunrise at Wal-Mart’s This was taken in an area that had early morning labor calls so there are many cars, but many times, my view was a pretty empty lot with just the light “trees”. The quietness in my mind’s eye of the day, reminded me of my need to start my day in solitude; the quiet time of early morning. While I complain that my fuzzy faced old canine has no vision nor sense of morning time, her need to go out at 4:45AM, brings me a daily reminder of how much I enjoy getting up and looking down the street at the sleeping homes and all is still.

In the tunnel picture, I am reminded of how easy it is not to get lost or distracted when you are in a shoot with no options. For a very small moment you are happy not to have to “think” about where you are going and there is nothing to distract you. But life is not that way and I would not want it that way all the time. It is comforting to know that there are tunnel places when you can just do the minimum and still make progress.

The final pic was on my hike day at the river. The bridge to nowhere. Like live, you can walk out on the bridge but you have to be mindful as you step and don’t assume the boards will be where you expect them to be. However, you will have the support you need for the passage. Anyone can walk on a paved road with lots of others, but only a few have the courage to walk alone on off the path road. Last night there was another party at the same house as the New Years Eve party with many of the same people. This time when I passed, it was just a party for others and I was on my path and well supported and very content.

My first love and what I actually hoped I would do for my career was sociology. Admittedly I was probably more social that most researchers, but I fell in love with two aspects of the discipline, urban development and anthropology. My lack of aptitude in language was the deal breaker. You can do very little in sociology without a PhD. Getting the degree was not overwhelming since I love being a learner but passing the tools was out of the questions. In those days you had to be fluid in another language. Today computer is a language and I would do just fine. When I moved into social work, I took many of the concepts related to symbolic interaction and social theory with me and when I taught, I often had my students stand and represent family sociograms and the stress on even tangent relatives when there is a crisis.
Yesterday, I had a wonderful lunch at Sheila’s home and the topic of social networks came up. The PBS show, This Emotional Life, which Sheila had watched indicated that people with social networks are happier. Of course, I came home and booted up the show and will watch all three over the weekend.
I started to think about the components of the process and the differences in relationships, social support and networks. Ok, I have a number of connections on Facebook.. some I hardly have a relationship with and others very important to my life. Do they make me happy? To have a few good friends is a treasure and much like the garden, it needs water, sun and soil to thrive. I think you really know you have a great friend when they are there when you are less than your stirling self...and the definition given to be a long time .. your friend is the first person to walk in when the rest of the world walks out.... I am very lucky to have a few folks like that... and yesterday my new sneakers arrived and dear Cheryl gave me another Moroccan bag...but this time we all go in the house and not "sleep in the car".

The Good and The Not so Good

I have fingerless cotton thin grey small gloves which I love... like everything in my life that I really like...they give me control and yet do what they are intended to do. I drive a shift car, etc...I am a happy woman when I wear the gloves. Since I live in a world of fear of scarcity (think it is a gene from my father), I don’t want to be without and so in preparation of the final fraying of the little grays, I went on a search. I checked the Internet.. leather, isotope, etc.. no no just little gloves. On my way into BJ’s, I stopped at the Grainier Sport store. First they look like they are going out of business.. but the sales person said they just had a big sale and were cleaned out. Yes they had fingerless gloves.. (of course... winter hunting) Oh.. now I have a choice. They were much more GLOVE than my little glove.. wool, lined.. and they had two kinds.. one that had a magic flap that would cover your fingerless part if you wanted and one that was a plain fingerless. I tried on one..then the other.. then the first. And finally thanked the salesman for his patience. They were both $12.99. I walked about looking at kayak’s and cook stoves and long underwear and fake ducks that sure could not fool me.. and then walked back and selected the one without the flap.
I walked to the checkout and the guy said, "Do you want another pair, they are 2 for 1." I had just spend ½ hr of my life deciding a non decision. Probably there was a sign but I was so intent on the product, I did not look at my surroundings. Since they were both the same price.. I took the other and my second, paid and then sat in the car and thought.. now do I wear the one with the flap or without.. and laughed and thought, I just purchase more opportunities for indecision but I think there was a lesson on observation and mindfulness in the process.
I drove the car to the next parking lot, went in to BJ’s thinking I just saved $12.99 and walked about the store putting stuff that I needed, wanted and could use and checked out for $198. I gulped, paid and went to my car happy that I saved the $12.99 and wondering if I could ever go in and come out of the big box for less than $100 and drove home happy and broke.

EXPECTATIONS

I expected my Dad not to die in the summer since he was attached to his garden and loved the long days. He died Feb 13 in the middle of a typical Buffalo winter and a foot of snow. He just walked to the downstairs bedroom, got into a rented hospital bed and just stopped. I don’t think it was a conscious choice it just happened since it was “his time”.
When I was working, there were expectations, commitments, action plans, colleagues affected and involved and a pay check. When you retire, re-tire, which the thesaurus says is either give up work or go to bed, all of the outside controls are gone and you are left to your own devise. Like Dad, I am not sure it was my choice but where I was working was not giving me a warm fuzzy feeling and after 47 years, it was “my time” to stop working.
Recently, I Facebook surfed and found some folks that are counting the hours until they join the “retired”. I wanted to put out a major thesis on the art, pitfalls, and tasks of retiring with the least being to get on a schedule, create personal expectations and commitments, develop action plans for multiple projects and balance your life – physical, spiritual, and practical all while learning to not give in to ego. It is the ego, the ring master, that now has no external pressure i.e. the boss might be watching, to keep you from saying I am “tired” and it is ok to play computer cards, watching CNN or thumbing through 10 yrs work of magazines and then saying tomorrow is another day. I did that for a very short time and thought eventually, I would not remember what I read or done and the result was a pile of calendar days on the floor taking up space.
When I recognized that sliding down an incline toward the discard pile was not an option, I got projects – wouldn’t it be fun to make a big picnic for my friends for the Eastman Garden or cookies for a mid-winter treat. It is fun seeing that others have just as much trouble just taking something because it was given. Most have to give back even though the intent was for me to give back.
I found groups, - the Camera Club, the Women’s Outdoor Group, the Bertrand Russell Society, Genesee Hiking Club etc. and I committed to major house projects like the Book, Clothes, Stuff project that requires everything to march past my “does this make me Smile meter” and then either get Stowed, Tossed, or Cycled out of the house toward someone else's what do you do with this box. All of this in-between, training for the next walking marathon, working out, cooking healthy meals, etc. My expectations were that I would have lots of personal leisure time or I would be depressed not having a job to go to.
The reality is that I might have to go back to work so I can have more time and only have to march to someone else’s expectations and not my to do list.

The Shaman's Death

For many years I have been casting a Sacred Path Card to get a glimpse of what my guides or higher power or inner self are trying to tell me. I use to wonder if I dialed GOD on my phone if someone would answer and tell me what to do. Most of the time, I know right from wrong and use Guidelines for my direction. Sometimes, it is not as clear – should I go or stay, should I tell someone something that I fantasize they need to know, etc. As I simplify my house and move toward a home, there are many many things that someone might think are clutter but that I think of as treasures or reminders of places that I have left some of my heart... my father’s cigar holder, Chuck’s boy scout cap, etc.
Yesterday’s card was the Shaman’s Death – no card is a bad card and like most Tarot Cards, the death card does not mean you are going to end up under a rock, but that you need to pay attention, how zen, to which pattern of personal evolution you are experiencing. – am I fertilizing and preparing to plant, or am I burning off the old crop, plowing under to make room for the new.
Later in the day, it became clear. I was looking for a book and started at one of five bookcases upstairs and proceeded to the five downstairs. I could take a trip around the world with all the money I spent on books and most of the trip just on the cost of books I have not read. In addition to seeing several titles twice, I have the book about your intestines next to the far side humor 20th edition. I have not looked at the books in such a long time, I don’t remember some and others what was I thinking or why did I buy this. Some, like simple steps to belly dancing, I know was a gift and I have several Christian spiritual tomes that were gifts from friends that just knew I should be saved, but why are they still in the house? I started pulling them out and stacking them into weight training, food programs, general Zen, management, etc. and realized that this will be another time of making a big mess to get to where I want my books to be, available. Sorry you had to die Shaman, and good bye to some of the books that have been taking refuge on my shelves, but it is time for me to plant an orderly word field for inspiration and renewal.

Good bye last year, good bye shoes

Nothing is permanent and we cause ourselves to suffer by attachment. I know in my heart of heart this is true and it gives great meaning to the total involvement and appreciation of the NOW. The more I enjoy my meal and pay attention to what I am eating, the better I eat and the more satisfied I am. To enjoy the words of a book in a relished manner, is to appreciation the process and not just, I read the book...and so what. I am good with most of this, but yesterday when I came out to the care and found that someone had been in it and had taken my Moroccan gym bag, hand wash, towel, lock and my sneakers and orthotics...that was suffering.
I had decided to give myself a GOOD pair of workout and walking shoes for my birthday. Last year, prior to the trip, I had gotten new orthotics so I could leave one in my sneakers and the other in my regular shoes. As I sat at Dick’s sports store, I labored over this one or that one and could I be satisfied with the cheaper ones etc. I know that in doing the marathon, the shoe will be a tired wear at the farm shoe.. so spending the money was a big deal... but you only turn 70 once and my feet are so very important. Asics Gel- Kayano 15’s.. 8.5 white and navy medium width on sale for $108 ouch...but I am worth it. They were terrific...I loved them. I put them on and my feet wanted to walk and jump and go.. I was ready for the training and workouts. I put the orthotics in them..and we were a team...
Gone.... and I suffered. I walked about and found the warm up pants and workout pants.. but no bag, no sneakers. I put out an e-mail to the neighbors, but what are the chances except my feet are pretty small,,,nothing and the chance of finding them by someone who knows they are mine...also small. In yesterdays mail, I got my refund from Excellus for my trainer and swim lessons...$198..and I found the same pair at Amazon for $84..and ordered them.
What I got out of this, good neighbor Suzanne called to offer her size 9’s and a lock and suggested I could wear heavy socks...if I wanted to work out and I smile and thought that is worth more than the stuff that someone else thought they needed.

Bill of Health

I ended the year with my annual visit to the Dr...having had all the test except the mammogram, I came in to our time knowing that my bones are stronger, my butt is clear, my eyes have slightly improved, my blood pressure is again 120/80. Bernard is a one of a kind tall bearded Dr who was wearing shoes that have toes in them rather than a rounded ends, who surfs in Irondequoit Bay all year when there is no ice and who spends our time sitting in comfortable chairs talking about life and adventures. So we checked out a few things, found that my Cholesterol was 188 and out of it all, I needed a little more Vit D. Good to go. I told him about community acupuncture, some of the lesser known canyons and he told me of the beauty of Jordon. In some ways, I am sorry there is nothing wrong since I enjoy his company so very much. He encourages me to keep going and without saying so, do the outrageous. Last year, I asked for a stress test since I did not want poor Page to get stuck with an ailing travel buddy and this year as I think of a month at the monastery and walking my second marathon, I wanted to at least start knowing I was in good health.
So 4000 D’s and I will be ready to rip. As I read my own words I sometimes think, wow, that was not an up writing and I know that many that read are in for the ups, but that just isn’t life. In college I had an ulcer. I was always campaigning for some student political office or leading the basketball team etc., I tried very hard to be “nice” and I was for most of the time. It was in the car, or trying to sleep that I found the rage inside and after years of not eating anything spicy and living on stomach coatings, I came to the conclusion that I needed to get in touch with me. In observing folks, I found that many of the girls/women in my life didn’t deal, they just walked away and many of the boys/men in my life shouted at each other and then did not walk away. I liked that idea. So the more I just started walking up and saying “listen, this is what you did/said effected me” I felt much better. My blood pressure went down, I can eat Thai food, and I am physically healthy.
Buddy Cheryl is often saying, you are in better health today than you were three years ago. That is more than true. Better than I was thirty years ago. I want to keep it that way, so I will make a few tweaking changes and try not to run with the bulls ( my way of saying get out of the community bullshit), eat my own food, etc. Life is a roller coaster – and that is good. I must also remember standing in Tampa Bay looking at some monster ride debating getting my ticket.... when the logic kicked in... the ride only lasted 56 seconds.... I could hang in hell for that long, but if I didn’t get on...I would miss the challenge... so bring it on 2010.

A New Year, A New Decade

When we were Thailand and Cambodia last year, the Ganesh kept presenting itself and finally, I succumbed and purchased a wooden replica to put on my spirit house. Because it was of greater value to me, I sparely put the spirit house out but kept it in the house most of the time so it would be "safe". One of the main lessons of the Ganesh, the Keeper of the Threshold, is to remind us of boundaries and guarding our space. Boundaries are not just barriers to intrusions but practical guidelines to help us function.
I became aware this past year that I often stand outside my life waiting for a passerby to ask something of me so I don’t tend to my own life. In viewing my own insanity, I found that I often stepped up even when not asked nor wanted and then often feel badly when not thanked.
This past year, like many times in my life, I did not pay attention but assumed that I was OK, would be tended to, and that my giving was reciprocal. Boundaries like the people and things change and there is an ever present need to pay attention and balance the need to take care of you while letting down the guard to remain sensitive to the messages at hand.
Last night, as the fireworks crackled overhead, I walked Lady past the neighborhood private party that was in full swing and that I was not invited to attend - could see the cars, or had talked to several in my life that would be there with their friends to celebrate the new day.
I stood on the corner with one of my first neighborhood friends who is now a community recluse. We stood with our dogs, as the colors jumped over our heads on one corner as folks came and left the gathering to the tune of bang, pop, etc. and I was aware that boundaries are very different when you set them from exclusion when you are outside looking in and I asked forgiveness for any and all times, that I left someone out in the rain. Happy and a Good year Herb, and walked home and went to bed.

Short thoughts from a short person

The saga of the tooth continued and with the first bite on Christmas Eve into a cracker, the tooth was out and the gap was in...oh well... it gave me an opportunity for humility and a new skill of locating the tooth in a mouth of food, talking without opening my mouth and smiling without smiling... Christmas Eve was a lovely event except for the tooth... but oh well... you are not having to read about my going on a body search for the wayward tooth.
Christmas Day started with a leisurely breakfast and the making of the fruit salad that I would take to dinner. After tending to the Arena's puppies (actually old dogs but they are only 4-5 pounds so they are eternal puppies), I went to long time friend Kay's. Kay will always be my "best gal" even though we don't see each other too often any more. The house was shared with the grandchildren and their family and want fun it is to watch how much they enjoy each other. The three oldest girls have their grandfather's twinkle and get hysterical with each other.
Christmas Dinner was the perfect way to spend the evening and share a meal. Thai1 Monika and Fred invited me to share a Roast, Kartoffelkloesse and Brussels Sprouts..what a treat. A Russian friend, Olga, (aren't all Russian women named Olga) added to the festivities and the evening ended with good German Chocolate and warm fire. I am so blessed to have Monika in my life, she is one of the few adults that I know.
Yesterday it was back in the gym and as I did my curls with a 35 pound weight, I remembered how nervous I get when little men try to pick up 2x their weight. It was crowded with folks trying to be honest about last years resolutions to work out more. I can imagine next week will be filled to capacity.
And I ended my social time with my “siblings” the Arena’s. They spent their healthy money on a new toy... a tv screen and Wii. I will tell you that unless you have money in your pocket don’t try this since it is addictive. It was fun to watch Cheryl get confirmation that her yoga poses were good and see Joe chase the other “kids” down the hill in San Francisco as he went for a morning “jog” in place. I had to try the tennis and ski jumping. I was in the snow bank several times until I could figure out how to lean forward to jump.

I spent my time and use a life day and even got the cupboards cleaned.

Twas the day before Christmas.....

Twas the day before Christmas, when all through the house

all the creatures were stirring, even a mouse

The clothes were tossed in the laundry basket with care

and my front tooth was not even there.

The mirror reported what I had envisioned with dread

With visions of socializing with a mouth gap dancing in my head.

I thought of the drug store and glue for a cap,

Had just settled in my brain or should I take a long winter's nap?

When out of the blue the house phone started to chatter,

I sprang to the handle to hear what was the matter.

Hello this is Dr Chung and a toothless smile I did flash,

for he said I bet I can fix it with a blink of a lash.

Dressed, oatmeal and coffee and I was ready to go

To North Greece with my bagged tooth and I didn't drive slow

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

But my dentist with a smile and cheer.

With tooth in hand and so lively and quick

I know in a moment soon there would be a fix.

More rapid that eagles his fingers did move

And soon the tooth was back in the groove.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

and filled the socket, then turned with a jerk

He fixed the bridge with a polish and file

within an hour I was back with my smile.

And so to one and all on Christmas Eve and Night

A good friend and dentist can make everything right.

All I want for Christmas is ....

I just love the adventure of life and I am glad I did not get into the line that was given a picture of how it is to be. Last night while getting ready for bed, I dropped my one tooth bridge and broke off the front tooth. I called and left a message for my dentist that I probably need to see him for a fix sooner or later and his machine says back Monday afternoon. I am off to work in 10 minutes, this evening with 20 neighbors (many of whom would say...I would not go out that way), off to see a good friend tomorrow and then dinner with Fred and Monika and another guest. I will work out several times etc.. and try to eat without a front tooth. Good that I am primarily a vegetarian. It is one of the bumps on the road, not to mention the $ of getting it fix. It is also an ego challenge... and an opportunity to see who got into the picture line and who got into the humor line. so...happy holidays..and all I want for Christmas is my front tooth.

Gold Time in the Golden Years

Sit down and be quiet
You are drunk, and this is the edge of the roof - Rumi
I gave myself time this weekend to put on paper my Best Year Yet Plan. I have had the same vision or paradigm for a few years but each year I change a few words and it gives new meaning to my direction. - I AM MY OWN BEST FRIEND - I SUPPORT MYSELF. This process involves honestly looking at your values, your roles and then identifying a goal for each role based upon your values. I have eliminated a few roles: community, entrepreneur, and employee and have added some elements to the Bonny's Buddy such as writing and photography. A few years ago, when I was asked what I wanted to accomplish in the last quarter of my life, I was taken back with the view of the short distance to the end vs the long space to the beginning of my life. It is like when someone asks, how are the golden years, I cringe. I don't feel nor do I think I act "old". In the BYY process, I did realize that my life energy has shifted toward the Gold Time - Important but Not Urgent. Goethe said - "Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least" This gets into the values... is it more important to produce something great or include those that are on the fringe. Where do you spend your energy in keeping with your goals? When I was working, much of my time was spent in the urgent and not important box - making a profit trumped giving what was needed or doing a task that would give me the spotlight for recognition trumped doing the back room jobs. My house attention gave way to helping others with their house with no hope of reciprocity so my shelter disintegrated but I was a good buddy. I feel good about my top ten goals for the coming year since I think they will help me from running drunk at the edge of the roof.

SHARING

For the most part, I don't like presents. There is something about making a list and then worrying that you have forgotten someone and then going out and trying to buy something to help you check off the name on the list, that makes all not about giving but about letting someone know you have them on your list. It isn't that I don't want to go buy something, but what does anyone need. Many of my friends are becoming minimalist and once the house is decorated or their drawers full, something has to go if something is brought in to the home. OK, if someone needs a coat, I would get it for them or contribute to the purchase etc.
I still get a few cards from people who don't purge the list, two year no card back...off with them. And I get a few cards with letters about what is happening in their lives and that is nice. I don't put the cards up so folks see that I get cards and then toss them after Christmas, or save them and then toss them.. no mater what happens, eventually they are tossed. Most folks buy a box of card that probably reflects their personality or if you turn it over, you may have an idea that they are "successful" and can buy the $100 a box cards. No matter... they come in.. they are looked at..and they are tossed. Presents are now "re gifted"... how thoughtful. I am purging my house and what do you do with the 4 foot wooden fork and spoon that is down in the basement.. who do I re gift that to. I look at the folks around me with a closet and drawers full of stuff... I feel lucky to have a warm coat, clean underwear etc. do I need or want more stuff. Presents have more to do with money and stuff that you can easily give but to me sharing is the really heart of the matter. sharing my energy, humor, and good karma is a personal thing I can give. Daily I say, "the merit for all good acts i do freely offer to all beings"... but sharing time, that is the most precious. To come to be with another, without an agenda, without a task, without a duty list - to just sit and share...to pick up the phone and call just to chat.. how are you.. I was thinking of you that is the jewel... but the usual way... we were meaning to call you..but time just slipped by so you make a list and send a card or buy another gift to be re gifted to let someone know you are thinking about them, but not enough to step into their life.

The Plan

I am working on my next Best Year Yet plan. I have done this for several years now and have a history of what I planned to do is altered because I responded to some universal undertow. Some have been tsunami and some an almost dry creek with a trickle, but all has had the same affect. I can see in looking back that there were many reasons for the altered course, not the least being that almost any one's needs were more important than mine. I went to a Franciscan college and the Prayer of St Francis was said over an over..."not so much as to be understood as to understand".. maybe that is why I am no longer practicing since I want to jump on a bench or shout out the window...what about me.. when is it my turn.
In looking at the plan and my life, it has been me that has occasionally lost my understanding of myself and spent great energy running after people, placed and things. My morning meditation includes... "there is nothing permanent"..and I know this, but I just can't feel it when I see folks fading away, relationships change and voids created. It is then when I become the seven year old who asks people to inviting me in, brings a toy to leave, and hopes for a return visit. It is the adult that sees that upon careful look, these are neither friends or someone with whom I will have a lasting friend ship. In the middle of the Tiger stuff, I am thinking what a great chance to see who are your friends...for they will be the first to walk in when the rest of the world walks out. So...i have about $70 in gift certificates to my favorite restaurant, Rooney's. In my usual mode, I would ask someone to join me for lunch, but in my understand bonny mode, I am taking my best buddy Bonny to dinner.. and I hope she picks up the tip.