Short thoughts from a short person

The saga of the tooth continued and with the first bite on Christmas Eve into a cracker, the tooth was out and the gap was in...oh well... it gave me an opportunity for humility and a new skill of locating the tooth in a mouth of food, talking without opening my mouth and smiling without smiling... Christmas Eve was a lovely event except for the tooth... but oh well... you are not having to read about my going on a body search for the wayward tooth.
Christmas Day started with a leisurely breakfast and the making of the fruit salad that I would take to dinner. After tending to the Arena's puppies (actually old dogs but they are only 4-5 pounds so they are eternal puppies), I went to long time friend Kay's. Kay will always be my "best gal" even though we don't see each other too often any more. The house was shared with the grandchildren and their family and want fun it is to watch how much they enjoy each other. The three oldest girls have their grandfather's twinkle and get hysterical with each other.
Christmas Dinner was the perfect way to spend the evening and share a meal. Thai1 Monika and Fred invited me to share a Roast, Kartoffelkloesse and Brussels Sprouts..what a treat. A Russian friend, Olga, (aren't all Russian women named Olga) added to the festivities and the evening ended with good German Chocolate and warm fire. I am so blessed to have Monika in my life, she is one of the few adults that I know.
Yesterday it was back in the gym and as I did my curls with a 35 pound weight, I remembered how nervous I get when little men try to pick up 2x their weight. It was crowded with folks trying to be honest about last years resolutions to work out more. I can imagine next week will be filled to capacity.
And I ended my social time with my “siblings” the Arena’s. They spent their healthy money on a new toy... a tv screen and Wii. I will tell you that unless you have money in your pocket don’t try this since it is addictive. It was fun to watch Cheryl get confirmation that her yoga poses were good and see Joe chase the other “kids” down the hill in San Francisco as he went for a morning “jog” in place. I had to try the tennis and ski jumping. I was in the snow bank several times until I could figure out how to lean forward to jump.

I spent my time and use a life day and even got the cupboards cleaned.

Twas the day before Christmas.....

Twas the day before Christmas, when all through the house

all the creatures were stirring, even a mouse

The clothes were tossed in the laundry basket with care

and my front tooth was not even there.

The mirror reported what I had envisioned with dread

With visions of socializing with a mouth gap dancing in my head.

I thought of the drug store and glue for a cap,

Had just settled in my brain or should I take a long winter's nap?

When out of the blue the house phone started to chatter,

I sprang to the handle to hear what was the matter.

Hello this is Dr Chung and a toothless smile I did flash,

for he said I bet I can fix it with a blink of a lash.

Dressed, oatmeal and coffee and I was ready to go

To North Greece with my bagged tooth and I didn't drive slow

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

But my dentist with a smile and cheer.

With tooth in hand and so lively and quick

I know in a moment soon there would be a fix.

More rapid that eagles his fingers did move

And soon the tooth was back in the groove.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

and filled the socket, then turned with a jerk

He fixed the bridge with a polish and file

within an hour I was back with my smile.

And so to one and all on Christmas Eve and Night

A good friend and dentist can make everything right.

All I want for Christmas is ....

I just love the adventure of life and I am glad I did not get into the line that was given a picture of how it is to be. Last night while getting ready for bed, I dropped my one tooth bridge and broke off the front tooth. I called and left a message for my dentist that I probably need to see him for a fix sooner or later and his machine says back Monday afternoon. I am off to work in 10 minutes, this evening with 20 neighbors (many of whom would say...I would not go out that way), off to see a good friend tomorrow and then dinner with Fred and Monika and another guest. I will work out several times etc.. and try to eat without a front tooth. Good that I am primarily a vegetarian. It is one of the bumps on the road, not to mention the $ of getting it fix. It is also an ego challenge... and an opportunity to see who got into the picture line and who got into the humor line. so...happy holidays..and all I want for Christmas is my front tooth.

Gold Time in the Golden Years

Sit down and be quiet
You are drunk, and this is the edge of the roof - Rumi
I gave myself time this weekend to put on paper my Best Year Yet Plan. I have had the same vision or paradigm for a few years but each year I change a few words and it gives new meaning to my direction. - I AM MY OWN BEST FRIEND - I SUPPORT MYSELF. This process involves honestly looking at your values, your roles and then identifying a goal for each role based upon your values. I have eliminated a few roles: community, entrepreneur, and employee and have added some elements to the Bonny's Buddy such as writing and photography. A few years ago, when I was asked what I wanted to accomplish in the last quarter of my life, I was taken back with the view of the short distance to the end vs the long space to the beginning of my life. It is like when someone asks, how are the golden years, I cringe. I don't feel nor do I think I act "old". In the BYY process, I did realize that my life energy has shifted toward the Gold Time - Important but Not Urgent. Goethe said - "Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least" This gets into the values... is it more important to produce something great or include those that are on the fringe. Where do you spend your energy in keeping with your goals? When I was working, much of my time was spent in the urgent and not important box - making a profit trumped giving what was needed or doing a task that would give me the spotlight for recognition trumped doing the back room jobs. My house attention gave way to helping others with their house with no hope of reciprocity so my shelter disintegrated but I was a good buddy. I feel good about my top ten goals for the coming year since I think they will help me from running drunk at the edge of the roof.

SHARING

For the most part, I don't like presents. There is something about making a list and then worrying that you have forgotten someone and then going out and trying to buy something to help you check off the name on the list, that makes all not about giving but about letting someone know you have them on your list. It isn't that I don't want to go buy something, but what does anyone need. Many of my friends are becoming minimalist and once the house is decorated or their drawers full, something has to go if something is brought in to the home. OK, if someone needs a coat, I would get it for them or contribute to the purchase etc.
I still get a few cards from people who don't purge the list, two year no card back...off with them. And I get a few cards with letters about what is happening in their lives and that is nice. I don't put the cards up so folks see that I get cards and then toss them after Christmas, or save them and then toss them.. no mater what happens, eventually they are tossed. Most folks buy a box of card that probably reflects their personality or if you turn it over, you may have an idea that they are "successful" and can buy the $100 a box cards. No matter... they come in.. they are looked at..and they are tossed. Presents are now "re gifted"... how thoughtful. I am purging my house and what do you do with the 4 foot wooden fork and spoon that is down in the basement.. who do I re gift that to. I look at the folks around me with a closet and drawers full of stuff... I feel lucky to have a warm coat, clean underwear etc. do I need or want more stuff. Presents have more to do with money and stuff that you can easily give but to me sharing is the really heart of the matter. sharing my energy, humor, and good karma is a personal thing I can give. Daily I say, "the merit for all good acts i do freely offer to all beings"... but sharing time, that is the most precious. To come to be with another, without an agenda, without a task, without a duty list - to just sit and share...to pick up the phone and call just to chat.. how are you.. I was thinking of you that is the jewel... but the usual way... we were meaning to call you..but time just slipped by so you make a list and send a card or buy another gift to be re gifted to let someone know you are thinking about them, but not enough to step into their life.

The Plan

I am working on my next Best Year Yet plan. I have done this for several years now and have a history of what I planned to do is altered because I responded to some universal undertow. Some have been tsunami and some an almost dry creek with a trickle, but all has had the same affect. I can see in looking back that there were many reasons for the altered course, not the least being that almost any one's needs were more important than mine. I went to a Franciscan college and the Prayer of St Francis was said over an over..."not so much as to be understood as to understand".. maybe that is why I am no longer practicing since I want to jump on a bench or shout out the window...what about me.. when is it my turn.
In looking at the plan and my life, it has been me that has occasionally lost my understanding of myself and spent great energy running after people, placed and things. My morning meditation includes... "there is nothing permanent"..and I know this, but I just can't feel it when I see folks fading away, relationships change and voids created. It is then when I become the seven year old who asks people to inviting me in, brings a toy to leave, and hopes for a return visit. It is the adult that sees that upon careful look, these are neither friends or someone with whom I will have a lasting friend ship. In the middle of the Tiger stuff, I am thinking what a great chance to see who are your friends...for they will be the first to walk in when the rest of the world walks out. So...i have about $70 in gift certificates to my favorite restaurant, Rooney's. In my usual mode, I would ask someone to join me for lunch, but in my understand bonny mode, I am taking my best buddy Bonny to dinner.. and I hope she picks up the tip.

Where are they now

I learned to "read" very early. When we hit the road as a family when I was 5 after not knowing my Mom and Dad except for the every 6 weeks for 2 days visit, I was terrified that I would miss the ride, be left in some strange place etc. so I would ask my parents to tell me what the road signs said. Soon, I knew that we went to Batavia to Rochester to Auburn to Syracuse etc to get to New York City, Albany, Boston etc. My view of the signs was often what was essential so the signs probably read in my mind Rochstr, Abrn, Srcus etc. I could "know" were I was by a few letters. My family and family friends would say, what a smart little girl....then I started school and I wanted to continue to "read" my way and there were words that looked like other words and I didn't know the difference. I was in my twenties when they found that I was severely dyslectic and could not spell or read well. Even in math, which I could excel when it was oral, I would right 6/9 when I knew it was 9/6. One of the little boys in my class called me donny until the third grade since I wrote donny and not bonny on a note to him. Year after year, I was always marked down for my school work, there were big circles around many words on a page and SP (spelling error) in red next to the circle. My IQ tests were questioned since I was not that smart in the classroom. Like all good things, it came to an end with an editor, spell check, good clerical support and my self confidence. Hence, when I reread my blog.. I see the same errors and words interchanged, but I don't care since I write for me. On Monday, I took a test to work for the census. It was like many civil service tests, a question or task with multiple choice answers. Others taking the test had misread the instructions, not completed their forms correctly, or were test phobic. You only needed 10 our of 28 to pass. No wonder the census had so many errors. Two women tried to hand their papers in about 20 min into the test. I was still pushing my pencil on a math problem. I was rather shocked as to how fast they were and amazed at how slow I had become. 28 problems with many requiring addition of multiple numbers or putting things in order then answering the questions... mmm When the test was completed in 30 min. the proctor corrected the tests and then called up each of us. The two women got up and left immediately and the proctor said, you can always retake the test. They answered, I don't think so. I then knew that they had given up rather than try. The next was given a sample quiz and told to go home and try to take it at home before she tried again and the others were told they could retake it to get a higher score. Finally he called my name, Bonita and again asked if I spoke Spanish.. I decided not to tell him I was named for the fish. He gave a great smile and showed me my score, 28 with A after it. We don't get too many of these he said... perfect score. I have always been in the top of the civil service tests, but I never knew the score... I walked out of the City Hall Chambers to an empty hall.. and wondered, where were my classmates now... and when I got outside, i called Georgette and Georgiana....and said YES~

View of life

This is a view from Wally's motel that I called parking lot forest. Sharing space with someone who goes to work at 9PM has helped me learn that not everyone is on the same time or space schedule. Travelling to the canyons, I found I learned that not everyone has the same perspective. Just ask travellers, which is your favorite canyon and you will get North Rim, South Rim, Zion, Bryce.. and from me, Antelope. So, the pictures that represent my trip are not the same as those that fly out, rent a car, stay at the Hilton, and eat at the five stars. They are not the same as the pictures in the heads of folks when I say, I drove to the canyons, stayed at Walmart's and ate by the side of the road. And so it is with life. To be excited about what is in front of you and see the beauty in the common place is what it is all about. There are more days in the "parking lots" than there are at the top of the mountain. There are two things I liked about the picture - at dawn, there are many people up and about their day and at first you see the cars and not the wally trees. Almost in every moment of life, you can see the good and evil, the color or the black and white. There are choices. For 8 mornings, this was my first view of the life.

When I got to PA and was coming in to the home stretch, I passed through several tunnels and I tried to hold to the thought, that there is wonder in all. With little traffic, I snapped the highway ahead... the subtle double line that keeps us from crashing, and the future of the unknown..... and it is all exciting, just a different view.

and yes Virginia, there are canyons in my life.

New Chapter

I feel like I have had a trip to the Spa. When you are in the steam or sauna room, your pores open and you shed what is not helpful and necessary to your life. The toxins that you don’t even know that are draining your energy, come out as refuge. For years, I held onto a need to belong and a fear of abandonment. The one person and place that I could control was myself and my one rejection of me. I ran everyone’s race and still could not get off the starting block because I ran in every direction. What did that get me, exhaustion and a critical view from people that I did not respect?
Someone should do this or that, had me walking the ice streets in the middle of winter, coming home early to do someone else’s task, and who really cares? I really don’t know when the final straw fell or maybe it was the trip west, where I came to spend such long hours with Ru and Sarah and Bonny...but I feel like I have just begun my adult life and know that I will do more than survive, I will thrive. I am going to start writing everyday.. I might write about where I am now, or go back to some earlier times and fill in pieces. If you are getting this as an email, it is what is on the blog for the day and if you don’t want to go on the venture with me, let me know. I will write if no one reads, and I will not spend another second with people I do not enjoy. I am excited about where I see the ship going... so sit down and buckle the seat belt.. your in for a ride.!!!