Silence

Today I rode down by the river.  I think this is one of the first rides I will take with Joe since it is winding but no hairpin turns and no hills.   There are hundreds of places to stop and take a picture.

There is some traffic.  Most of the time, you only hear the hum of the scooter and see the many fruit trees.   I am not sure what they all are but I could see some coconuts and longan's hanging on the trees.  The leaves on most of the trees are very thick and as I woosh by I fantasize that some are mangosteen's of guava's but I don't get off the bike to check.

Unless I am eating with someone, the conversation of others just becomes a hum of sound with no recognized words.  I can tell by the accents that some are Dutch and Italian as well as Thai, Chinese, Hong Kong, Japanese.  Thre is no need for me to know, or listen, or try to guess.   It is like the country ride... just miles of leaves on the path, a small slithering snake, the smell of the fish in the river and the occasional dog laying in the sun with one eye slightly open.

There is no place to go, nothing to hear, nothing to think about, nothing to say..   

No one to fix, to worry about, to be late for, to be early for,

I don't have to do anything, or nothing, or something.

There is time to look more closely... Is it just a leave, or a code, or animal homes...

and while I rode.... my clothes were washed.

settled in

     I amuse myself with my need to get organized.  I spend very little time at home putting anything away, and here I want to get a place for things.   Now, I will confess that I still manage to get everything all over the room very quickly. I try to leave the space in pretty good shape when I am going out when I am sleeping my socks are here and there etc. 
    When I was camping, I took great pleasure in making a lashed rack for the dishes, etc.   It was also fun to think of what alternative you could find to use for a different purpose.   So, I had to buy a UBS hub to transfer my TedX ticket onto so I could go to the photo store and have it printed.  There on the end cap was a very inexpensive organizer for pencils etc.   What a perfect thing for my sponge, toothpaste, soap, etc.   I smiled all the way home. I brought my glasses prescription with me since my sunglasses were stolen out of my car and I have been using Parkliegh over the counter reading glasses.  So after $200, I know have prescription sunglasses and reading glasses.  I wanted something very light on my nose when I am sitting or standing at the computer.  An I also went to the French discounted sportswear store for my pajama top... so in the picture is the top and the glasses.   I am alive and well.
     I also have a mop and squeegee for the bathroom.  For those who have been here you know that the floor gets very wet when you shower.  So I mop and squeegee in addition to putting the toilet seat up.  I have a broom and dustpan.   I wipe my shoes and wear slippers in the house.. but it gets dusty.  My room is cleaned on Thursday.... change of towels and cover for my blanket.   I have moved in.
     The one thing that is very different is my resting heart rate.   It has been 74-78 for the month before I left... now   68-72.   That says something.   I have not had to use my hawthorn stem cells since I left NYC.    Mellow....

After

I do look back on my life, not with longing but more as a book that you purchase to spark an insight. From a high post looking back at little bonny then teen bonny then adult bonny then retired bonny… I see hundreds of times that I thought “after” it will be ok or better or I will not fall into poor me or great me pits.  Maybe it is because my “after” this or that days are more limited that I think what a waste of time that is.

Recently my “after” has been after I get a sauna after I clean up my office after I pay off the car and house.  From a spiritual perspective, it has been “after” I get enlightened, or perfect my practice, or go on the next retreat or read the next book

I just can’t go to the place where I let myself think if only you would, or he would say this or do this. I have no control over what happens to me at me or about me.  I just have some input into how I react.

Maybe “after” one of those times I had the insight that expending any energy on trying to make the world the way I think it should be….was a great waste of time. Sometimes, when I am more in touch with reality I see a person with a red make America great again hat looking at me and I them and both of us thinking how can the other’s thinking be so off since I know mine is so right.   Mmmmm.  

Perspective.

Until I get myself square on the here and now and away from after and if only, I will cause myself to suffer.  I know that suffering is like rain, it falls on all without an invitation and I should not take it personally.

Also, boundaries are only present in the photo of the moment.  Reality is seamless. So, looking for, waiting for, longing after is useless.  It happens all the time, but suffering happens when we think that if only this happens or after that happens it will make us happy.  Right here and now is all we have.

 Enjoy

Reacting vs Responding

I took a philosophy course a few years ago and the best that came from it was a good friend/classmate and “The pause”.   The pause is all about putting a stop to the forward motion long enough to catch your breath and regroup or bring yourself to the here and now.   It was very helpful to me since I often find that I am in full throttle mode moving forward to no place and often stepping on ideas and people as I race on.

Intellectually, I know this is more than helpful, but I also know that I need a great deal of time alone so that I don’t get lost in conversation and put the concept into practice.

In the weeks before I left, I found the SNAP.  This is similar but since I am very early in my process of putting this in practice, it was helpful to have some guidance… so

Stop - 2 to 4 minutes every four hours

Notice observe where I am - feeling, thinking, and doing

Ask - what am I believing, are these beliefs true, how would my life change if I let go of this belief

Pivot - Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.”

So my effort for this week is to be aware of something arising – a sound, a word, a vision, a thought and holding it in my incubator rather than let it fly out as a reaction.  By running it by my SNAPer…my goal is to have the thought come out as a response.

Staying present

When I am on the cushion (ok the chair) I am getting better at staying present.  I slip into there and then or the fantasy future, but better at Now.

As I rode to breakfast, the airport store, the grocery store and then dinner, I tried to disconnect from the car on the left and right, behind and in front, the person at the curb or across the street.    Right hand on gas, left on the break.  Are the directionals on.  etc.

The lesson, if you want to get present and connect to the Here and Now... ride a scooter in Chaing Mai.

Even with this, an impatient car hit my muffler as we both turned on the highway...  all is well.

Crawling out from under

The last weeks at home were like marathon training.  I had three pages of things that I wanted to do before lift off and the one list, the bonny list, was the one that was only half completed.  Corn Hill, except for two things I can do from here, was checked off.  Car/scooter was checked off except for the battery on the trickle charger, which brother Joe tended to for me.  Money was checked off, Notice to banks checked off.   Camera, Computer, Room items, and clothes checked off.  I saw or had a meal with the essential people in my life.... So what was left - clean up my space and dump unwanted stuff from my office.  Me was not on the done list.

The trip was long - about 9 hrs in NYC and 10 hrs in Hong Kong with 20hrs in the air.  I slept some but started to crawl out of my news overload, talking and engaging with other overload and started to slip into my observer spot. 

The question asked most.... what do you do in Thailand.  My answer.... I live the life I want to live.  I become more observant. 

Standing at the airport watching the people walk back and forth - they were different - New York walks faster and more on cell phones.  HongKong more eating as they walk slightly more slowly.  I found a tune in my head so I could watch movements to a march or ballet.  I had little interest in the politics, or where they were going, or who they were.   The longer I stood, the more I felt the judgemental analyst leaving....part in NY.....more in HKG..... and now I am on a quest to just be and watch and connect with myself.