short note 1-4

Short note 1  - I have been working on awareness and then moving toward insights and recognition of feelings.   This process means that much of the time, whatever is in front of me at this second is down the road at this second.  The things in my senses feel like they are just rolling by like billboards.   The feeling part has been the hardest.  The greatest insight has been observing how I do things so I can “manage myself and decide if that is how I want to do things or not.   Sometimes life feels fleeting and sometimes in slow motion.

Short note 2 – I have seen three people in the process of “breaking up”  Interestingly, in all the situations it appeared that the male was making the move.  Case one – folks at dinner were just looking at each other.  The woman was not eating but picking at her food and tearing up.   The male was trying to be consolatory but it wasn’t working.   When they left and walked in different directions.  The Next couple – she American and he ? Dutch, German,? When at breakfast he announced that he thought it would be good for him if he got his own room.  She did not react until he asked… are you ok with that.. and she replied, do I have a choice.   The third couple appeared to be married and the male was telling the woman what she did that annoyed him.   She borrowed his sun screen and then gave it back at which time he had to take the lid off and wipe every drop of cream off the inside of the cap.   He went on about what was bothering him and I kid you not, she opened a pad and took notes.   I hope she is keeping it for divorce court.   My gaydar was active and my sense was that he would not be happy with any woman.

Short note 3 – When I came out of acupuncture the other day, the good Dr was in the waiting area and was comforting a young woman who was hardly able to sit up in the chair she was sobbing so profoundly.   I could see she was someplace between 25-35 and had an accent but was sobbing in English.   I have not seen an adult cry like that since I was in the emergency room telling a mother that her child will not live.  The vision of the young woman haunted me for several days and so I asked the good Dr when I saw her next if I could help etc.   Dr. Rungrat is such a caring person.  She told me the young woman’s issues were not part of her treatment area.  She was Bulimic and did not want to live.  Dr. had her lay down in her office over the lunch time and had her call her mother and some friends.  She was not sure where her bike was but after two-three hours in the office, she arranged to meet friends and have some clear soup.  She was coming back and Dr R hoped she could talk her into going home. She was Flemish and I then learned she weighed 33 kilos = 72 pounds and I could tell she was about 5’5”.   I weigh better than twice as much.   I hope she goes home since she needs some strong intervention.

Short note 4 – Today on my country ride I observed a mother dog with one puppy laying by the side of the road.  The puppy was playing and scampering about the mom.  I wanted to stop and move them off the road or tell the rider coming toward me that he should watch out…    Just being an observer and not interfering with life is not easy.   In my time here I can ride past the managing dogs and just say … dog.  I can really see the pattern of wanting to fix things.. even when the other does not recognize the need to be fixed.

Playing my life.

The “work” has taken several twists and turns, but I hope I can put some letters on a page that will make sense to me and maybe someone reading.   

I watched a man and his little charge in the pool the other day.   We were the only ones in the pool and I was doing my practice stroke and breathing.   When they came to the pool the little one (half Thai) starting jumping into the pool and the older man would go under the water to meet him and then toss him up to get air.   Sometimes the boy would cough a little but always, laugh and be ready to do it again, sometimes paddling to the stairs, at times assisted and sometimes picked up and put on land.  This went on and on and I thought that was what was missing in my life.   No one played in the water with me.  I was told that Mom and Dad can’t swim and I probably could not and would drown if I went into the water.   When I first started to work with Fred, he wanted me to get into the water and play.  I still did not get it for a long time. Swimming is about relaxing.  I still get water in my nose but it is just water and it goes out shortly.  The more I relax and let my head lay in the water, the faster I go and the more air pocket there is to breath.

This is life.  I have looked at my life and many of the sticky spots and some of the almost drowning spots and know that they are just there to give me a hint of my life and how I usually react.   People are generally one of three types; fight – flight – freeze.  We can do all under different circumstances but usually have a go to pattern.    I can clearly identify situations where each has come into my reaction but in general, especially when someone, a cause, a child etc. is concerned, I am a fighter.    I am an eight on the enneagram.  That also means that I am usually pretty confident that I can take care of myself and that I will land on my feet, or be able to get up dust off and keep moving.

I can live with a certain amount of doubt which also means I usually live with about 60% of surety and 80% of perfection.   Which helps me not to freeze at a crossroad or crisis.

While I am rarely unhappy since I enjoy life, and watching myself playing at it, I know what and who makes me miserable.   In my time here, I have come to accept that there are some losses I will just have to live with unless the other person takes a second look at me and says you are worth knowing.

I am getting to see things as they are and accepting them as they come.  I don’t feel I fear making a mistake and it I do, it is just that without guilt.  Next time, I might do it differently or not.

There is nothing absolutely good or bad.  I will take full responsibility for my actions which sometimes will lead to down and sometimes up.  I still have some unpleasant feelings and some excitement but my observation tells me that there is more balance to my personality, emotions and feelings.  The boundary of the “shoulds” related to beliefs, ideas, or patterns appears to be less rigid if not broken.

It is my nature to use strong words, but hopefully, I will say them now with more compassion for the other person and thus compassion for myself not to feel guilty for the action.

It will take time to break some old habits and for my external self to catch up with what is happening internally. 

 Like swimming, when I do it correctly Fred says to do it nine more times so your body knows the way.   Bonny says, watch yourself, and when you feel it is good, practice being your true self.