Routines and Bonnie

I have only a small amount of days left in Asia.   I could live here and in other ways, it will be good to get home.  I am at the point of …can I make the mouthwash last until I go back or should I buy a small bottle.  There are four more scheduled swim classes and I am still hopeful of getting the stroke and breath together.  Or not.

I have to finalize Kim’s wedding gift.  Start to separate what will return on the slow boat and what will travel with me.  Get polish for the floor I have scraped up with my chair. Etc. 

Three Phat massages, six acupuncture treatments, a teeth cleaning, a haircut, a pedicure, a week of qi kong with Rod, two concerts.. and poof.  Leslie leaves today, Donna, Judy and Page this Thursday and Cheryl next Thursday and Bonny leaves CM the following Friday for three nights in BKK and then home.

Of course I have purchased books, which will slow boat home along with my drawing material, pens and pencils and meditation clothes.   I want to get my suitcase down to pretty light so it will not be hard to get to the NYC motel and back for my last leg of the trip.

The one book I brought and which I am reading slowly and with the presence of being is Joan Tollefson's book, Bare-Bones Meditation.  I will be on retreat in Springwater under her direction later in March.

I have continued to have contact with Lily and we have fascinating conversations about life, what we are seeing and learning, and what we are reading.  She is into Oliver Sack and I continue to enjoy the Ted Talks…   I leave her feeling like I just had a shower and I leave some others as if I need one.

In observing myself from different perspectives.  What annoys me or makes me feel the nails on the blackboard.   I can’t fix anyone but I can avoid the company of some.  The biggest thing that I see as a comparison from people who have elected to live here and the travelers, the expaits that I have been walking all appear to be lighter, less judgemental, having some self-awareness, and interest in things outside themselves.  They have great diversity in their interest and friends.   The groups are more black, white, men, women, younger and older etc. 

One quote from the book… “you are always looking for diamonds in the mud, but actually the mud is very interesting”.  After hours with one traveler, I finally figures out that which she says she is on a spiritual path, she is unsettled until she puts people, places and things into boxes.   When we went to a favorite restaurant and I ordered the same thing I did the last time, she commented, oh – you always order the same thing…   and I fell into the pooh hole and said , no I only order that here.   When I go to Brusters – I order Chocolate Raspberry Truffle and when I go to Tom Wahl – I order Chocolate Almond.  Her need to put things in place, or as she says, “know their story” is a silly as my need to explain myself.   Who cares or why do I care that she get’s me. 

I have another person who no matter what I do.. how I say it.. or shout it.. I will be Bonnie -  even my spell check wants to fix it.  So… she will pass out of my life this week and I can then wait for the next person to do the same.

The bottom line is I want to be heard and take at face value for who I am.   I am a learner who is on a quest to be only a traveler in my now space trying to live without judgment.  The important thing is that I start to know myself and take every moment like the present moment without a story, past or future

warning..grammer not good and spelling bad

Morning.  I am not doing a qi gong class with Rod, but do a different Qi Gong at the park with folks that are also members of the Green Papaya Sangha. Tomorrow night is sangha night and the group will be going to Dash’s for dinner…. A choice.  I will go to Dash’s and make sure the reservation is correct.  Order soup and leave for Sangha. 

 

The morning class in the park is the same time as the AA meeting.  Mostly westerns and mostly men around the table.  

In the pagoda at the park, a young western man was doing Tai Chi and along the exercise path at the fence people were lifting their body weight on various public stations. 

 

Parents were walking with cell phone gaze and children, unattended, scampered and fell, cried for a second, and then all moved on.  

It is a day in the park

Traffic.    Driving around the city is a challenge.  In Thailand for the holiday are 400k Chinese, 200k Malaysian, and 100K Indonesian.   It is my theory that as they prosper enough to afford to travel, in their minds they become nouveau rich and own the sidewalks and streets.   Interesting about side-walk as in walk to the side, not happening.   I would like to see some kind of a check about having a scooter license or having a certification that you at least know that you drive once on the street or pull to the side of the road to check the way.   Also, not happening.  You have money, you have a scooter.  You have a scooter and fell that you own the center of your universe then you just stop where you want and when you want and the person behind must be mindful and grateful to be in your universe and hope to stay alive and in one piece as they drive around your space.

Writing.  Last night I had an ok dinner at an uptown place.  Rooms – 40sqm were 6500+455 VAT and 650 service charge (7650 per night).  I pay 284 a night and that includes my scooter.  So, I could stay in this place that looks like a high-end Holiday Inn for 4.5 nights (ok, it has a bathtub and an electric safe) or my little teak bungalow for 4 months. Mmmm   I also listened to folks talk about writing.  I use to give my Mom 10 books for the holiday that I thought would help her know me or the world I live in.  One year, I gave her Langston Hughes and in a few weeks, she gave it back.  She just could not read the language – both the vulgarity and the writing style which focused on writing for his people.  I loved the language.  

“What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up Like a raisin in the sun?... Or does it explode?”

My mother was a spot on speller and should have been an English teacher.  I drove her quite crazy with my continue scribble in some illegible penmanship and wordsmith.  She would try to redo my writing into good form text and type it out.  She believed she was doing me a favor but I stopped writing for a long time.  Now I see that many people who are great with grammar and proper text are dull and nothing snaps you to attention when you read the blah blah. They are editors but can’t vomit new ideas.  They know right, but can’t do good.  There is some really exciting literature that is spot on with the grammar.  It feels like you are crawling through a soft tunnel and then dropped into a cold pond… your heart beats and you are alive in the text.

I went to poetry readings and heard just words.. and the beat… as in beat generation.   I had too much family and Catholic school and white skin to belong… but  I could understand and enjoy the words floating about punctuated with expletives.  It made my heart beat.   I started to keep a little book of thoughts and phases that just came to me…   I strung some together and wrote poetry and trained myself with haiku. 

I am grateful for the 10 days of feeling lost.  I just don’t want to be safe and with annoying people.  Shoppers.. tourist, mindless, moving from one day to the next.   If I had a million dollars, I would not say in a $200 a night bed.

I don’t know how much time I have, but I will live and write and dream every day.. and hopefully swim a little also.

10 day vacation or 10 days of lost in space

I like drifting.  My Asia time is my time to float and let the wind blow me to here or there.  I like checking out new places and watching life unfold on the back soi.   In the past ten days, I have taken several rides in the country with and without a passenger and continued to swim three days a week. However, there has been a shift.  I have slid into being a caretaker and trying to be helpful.  I am not sure anyone wants the help, but I have been out there offering to do things that I think would make the trip for others more attractive. The result has been, a taste of home.  I feel the fragmentation of my life and the shift outward is not where I had hoped to be.
Today was balance day.  Except for a few hours of dinner, I did what I wanted to do and enjoyed my company.   I am happy when I am on a trip to no place or every place or someplace.

my poor Buddha says... "you think you got troubles!!!!!!"

I want to remind you ... I am a Florida dog... I am not taking off the sweater and not going out!!!

My treadmill running has been to take me away from the reality of my swimming. 

Last Friday I came very close to tossing in the goggles.  I was back to head in the water, pulling one arm back and gliding.   I have no idea what slippery means or a wall of water.  I can't keep it straight as to when I to the foot flick and which foot I should be using.  

Fred and I came very close to a trial separation in our "marriage".  He feels that I don't listen and in my desire to get ahead, I do things that are not being requested.  When I am in the water, my gliding hand moves involuntarily and I do the flutter kick rather than the flick.  I have had all I can to do to keep going.

Everyone has advise.   It is easier with flippers.  Just swim with your head out of the water.  All of a sudden, you will just start to swim.   I have six more lessons. If I am not swimming across the pool by the end of February... I will toss the suit and have that as an add on to the long list of things I am not good at doing.   We swam Sunday.   I did better.  I could feel slippery.   Today I had the day to me.  I felt my confidence coming back... and more, I got in touch with what and who makes me happy.
I am grateful for the past few weeks since the tailspin has reminded me that I have a very sensitive balance system in my life.   A month from today I will be back home, and it is time for me to get my resolve to live my life on solid ground.

This came to my attention this morning.  I have always thought a friend was someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.  That is still true, but I think this Jim Morrison saying is more of a daily thing.  I mumbled on in The Test blog about how heavy I felt after a dinner of analysing, criticizing, and eventually feeling bad about myself that I had engaged in a gossip process and about another who "needs" fixing.   My practice emphasis is to be non-judgemental. I can see that it is easy to get sucked in, and I don't like that.  I see a shift in my need to fix things and make them right. Who put me in charge?   I am going to write about my swimming experience, but there is a thread of practice in the Zen of swimming.  To reach my goal, to swim with easy and enjoyment, there are a few things that must become a habit and to which I must have a pattern of behavior.  When my head is not straight and face down... I go in a circle, and my legs are wrong.   Same Same for life.

It was heartening to hear from someone else at the dinner table that the one person that lead the analysis is not easily relaxed and is always in questioning mode.   I have also had to look at my practice.   I want to firm up the rituals that support my practice.   And this is the dawning of another new day...think will though let it pass uselessly away.    

The Test

When you are in a cocoon, you think, I can live in the real world just as well.  In the cocoon, you have positive people that you have selected because of their energy and similar high-level goals.  Conversations that are reflective, enjoyable, and inspiring, a diet that is healthy and supportive, and sleep following "happy" or non-unhappy day that provides rejuvenation.  You feel splendid and people comment that you look good.  

My cocoon has been invaded by people from my past, home.  For the first time in 90 days and am getting "constructive," unwanted advice from people on another path who have opinions and suggestions about what I should be doing and how doing it for both myself and with others.   "This is what you or she/he needs to do."  I am very grateful for the invasion for it helped me get solid about all the things don't want in my life and all the ways I don't want to approach life. Judgement, which often translates to gossip is definitely on the top of the list.
Some people resonate with your life and those that don't.  I am not looking to defend my flaws or have someone else scrub or pick at them.  There are some things that I want to change, and as I become more mindful, they might alter or disappear.
 At this moment, I want to go back to the cocoon and bask in the light of people who are focused on self-development but not at the expense of everyone around.   I so enjoy people who have humor about the process and life and look forward to the new day without dragging a suitcase of clouds from the very distant past.

I don't think there is a child born who doesn't think that they did not get on the line for the "right" childhood.  We traveled, there was no home.   Many people have said... wow, that would have been exciting.  To this little kid with limited power, at the time, it was very scary.   I say wow you had siblings and a Mom and Dad at the dinner table... and they say... we fought all the time, and it was boring.   So, what is the answer to all of this.  We all come from different experiences and even perceptions of the same experience as a twin who sees it differently.  All pieces of the personal puzzle.

For today....I will shift back to selective cocoon inmates and maintain my integrity while being social and polite to the outside world.   I don't want the mean spirited and fixers in my inner space or at least not practicing their way in my life.
Many of the fixers don't think there is much wrong with themselves....  shit only smells a little and is sweet because they have evolved.  That is the first sign of a long long road of work ahead.

Having spent some retreat time with some very evolved folks... they never offer judgement, unwanted suggestions but merely say... they also are just a pilgrim on a path... and good speed to you.   Even if you ask...they respond to a question with a question  to make you think and provide your own response.

Time for some life course correction and a little sweeping of the inner shelter.

It was a long night... but I am out of bed, back on my feet and moving forward on my path