Egocentric Karmic Conditioning

When I worked at the nursing home with the demented, they would often put on a persona that the family did not recognize. The daily communicant would be telling everyone to go to hell and trying to get into the bed of some unknown male resident, the person with the history of a barbed critical tongue could be crying and asking where they were supposed to be. The family would comment, “Where is my parent?” and would soon stop visiting for seeing this stranger was harder than the guilt of not being attentive. Often as they were leaving they would say.. “I know that she is in good hands, if you need anything, call me”

Putting down the playbook of the façade of yourself i.e. what you should be thinking and feeling, is a life long struggle with your egocentric karmic conditioning (EKC). When I am able to go naked without the EKC –just show up for life and take what is in front of me it feels like a cool mountain shower and your step is so light you can leap from building to building. Putting on and wearing the mantel of expectation, or fear of having someone see your authentic self, is exhausting and you find you are carrying the weight of someone else’s world.

There is a good and bad to my Asia thing. The good – I am more egoless when I am in an out of my familiar place by myself. The bad – I am finding it difficult getting there unless I am out of my familiar place by myself. I have had a glimpse of what it feels like to be without ego and now the real trick is to be there and have that, wherever you are or under any condition. Just when I was starting to feel like I was “getting it” and found I have a long way to go.

When I put on my mental meditation robe and hit the cushion, I sink into a mindful ego free state and watch the movie in my mind without judgment or expectation. When I am walking or working.. or even doing this spontaneous writing.. I am here now. I don’t reread it, edit, or have a daily theme.. it is just what is coming through me here and now. Sometimes I am stuck and sometimes I go where I have never been.. it is all good.

Last Saturday, when I got into my car to drive back from Buffalo, my egoless self was waiting and asked if she should drive because I did not appear old enough to drive at night, since there was a young girl sitting in the seat who could not remember the millions of terrific experiences and contributions that have been her life. My egoless self was concerned that my there and then would be distracting and I would not be present to drive down the highway. I turned and looked at the authentic me, shining without ego and after a long pause she said... “Who are you”? I knew I had to get back to just showing up to life or my shining self would say.. “I know that she is in good hands, if you need anything from me, call.”

FINAL BACK-WORD

Ok...one last view of the college reunion. I finished the pictures tonight and want to include them in my life passage.

 Today at my acupuncture treatment, my “rest” took me back to the four years of driving people back and forth to school to pick up gas and tire money. Just before I started college, which my father felt was a waste of time, he had entered into a business venture which took all of the family resources except the pennies my Mom had stashed away. In many respect, college was an extension of high school but without uniforms. I learned a great deal from the folks in the car. Only one was a classmate and she felt less apart of all of this than I. When I had my appendix out, my poor mother was the driver and she never forgot how fast the one passenger could make a date with one of our corner pickups. Hey, it was .25 a ride and it paid for the gas and tires so if I picked up a regular and they had made contact with someone needing a ride.. put a quarter in the pot and get in.


We had a locker note system. I kept a string on my locker and pulled it out if I as going to leaving late and if one of the regulars wanted a late ride after a lab or art room project, they would leave a note on the locker to find them when I was ready to leave.

My most painful experience in college was the language lab. I had given up on French, which had required two tutors and Latin which I just could not pass and was trying German. The German teacher liked me and I really tried. When I got into the language lab and tried to do the exercise, I could see the lab monitor doubled over while listening to my feeble sprecken ze.. I was terrible and of course spelling was no better than my English.

I think I will skip my 75th reunion; going backwards gives me the bends.

Life's backpack

When I went to Vietnam with two years ago and journeyed to Sapa, we walked to a homestay. Walk is hardly the words, we mountain goated up and down hills, rocks, roads, rice fields, water buffalo paths etc. while carrying my camera and a backpack. Thinking it was going to be cold, I carried warm clothing but no bathing suit. We didn’t need the warm stuff but I took a bath in a warm spring cistern in my underwear. A cold beer never tasted better and whatever we ate was the best food I ever had. Ok that was an exaggeration, but it was great for the space. When I was getting ready for my sleep on the floor at the home, I looked in my pack and thought what I was thinking? Not only was the walk long and at points difficult, but it was hot and tiring and carrying this load of stuff I didn’t need added to the exhaustion. Going to this reunion this weekend and saying goodbye to my editor this week, had brought me to a point of looking in my pack to see what I am carrying. There were folks in my college class that I admired and learned from and there were folks that thought they were important and I gave little thought to as well as some folks that just did their thing and really did not need my awareness or approval. I was much more of a under the radar person. I wasn’t “smart” or got good grades and I was more attached to the leaders than a leader. In the long run, I am not sure they were too attached to me. Women who were grade school chums and then when to high school and college and married and raised kids together, have not venture too far from the roots. I don’t think anyone knew who I struggled to read and write. I “worked” for the Dean of Students. She was at this event and looked right through me.. I must have really impressed her but then I am not around and am not a contributor.


When we did our undergrad theses, I did the math part... etc. In the end, they really didn’t know me and I could not relate to the quest to hunt and seek the life mate. Several of the women were dating their future spouses.. the doctor, lawyer and Indian chief, while maintaining a “friend with benefits”.

When I sat with one of the smart quiet ones at this gathering, the other vegetarian, she said, how she didn’t feel connected. Her public high school guidance counselor had helped her get there and now she has a PhD. Most of my classmates, like myself, went to private schools so she was “different” from the start. When we graduated, she said, everyone was getting married and by the time she was 25 she thought everyone had married and moved on with a husband. That was very true of “my group”. The last classmate I saw was Lovey Driscoll in the hospital with a jaundice baby... she did not attend the gathering, but wasn’t on the dead list so who knows. My PhD classmate wed at 29 and I .. well that would be another story. What I thought about in the end, how much stuff I had put in my backpack to carry for such a long time. How important it was to be accepted then.. and how important it is to be real now. When and where had it changed. I have no idea why I went to this event, glad I did.

I was a “wantabe” English major. I wanted to be a journalist or a poet. So at one time, I submitted some writing to a journal under another name and it was accepted and published. Wow and now I just write and hope the spell check picks up the errors or my wonderful editor puts the tenses in place.. .. and if it doesn’t happen.. oh well.. ..I am not carrying a dictionary in my backpack.

An Unusual Venture

I stepped out of my forward motion last night to fly backwards and attend my college '50th reunion.  I brought my friend D90 with me so I could take some shots and get some focus on what was going on about me. 
In many ways, it was as it no time had passed. 
The class leader remained a kind, gentle but oh so competent woman.  She did a little organizing and made sure needs of several were tended to.  I even got my few minutes of chat. 
The groups that always sat together sat together... the leaders there.. the smart quite ones there and the rest scattered about.  There were more followers than leaders and even one that really did not shine as an undergrad would soon be given a award for shining as a graduate.
One of my classmates whom I found had removed my only cashmere sweater to her own locker in our junior year, made an entrance and you knew as you did then, that she had many cashmere's at home and took mine because she could.
There were six that were listed as having passed.  That shows what tough stuff we were since at ages 71-72 out of the 74 only 6 died.  One of my closest friends at the time, one who helped me not quit high school did not graduate at the last minute.  Her best friend had died in our junior year and she was never the same.   I knew she had died also, but I guess she didn't count for the friend that died early was mentioned..by Molly was just lost again
I kept my seat tag in my pocket until everyone had selected their seats.  It was fun to see the same drama that I saw in college.. sit here.. sit at our table.. etc.. and of course.. my sweater napper was at the "in group table".... 
In college, it was very important for me to be there.. and now.. wherever.
I ended up sitting next to the college pres. who had spent a year in Bangkok.. go figure.  I felt badly for him, for giving to this college is not on my list.
One person told me several times that she and her husband had made A LOT OF MONEY. She can give.
Another, a very quiet classmate had gone into real estate and my research says they have bought and sold half of southern CA... Guess she learned to speak up.
I got to see Marty that helped me like beer..She was the class non-catholic...  she doesn't drink anymore and has some mobility issues.  But I still think of her every time I have a Chang.
I sat next to a woman who found her husband dead in the bed next to her one morning. She does taxes for the needy and makes the knit things that were always delivered to the folks at the nursing home.  I didn't tell her that they really are used by the staff who put them on and over the severly demented.
Several were concerned that I was driving to Rochester.. lordy..  they should see me walking the streets of Asia at 1 am.... There is an advantage of being by yourself.. you just do or as Helen Keller said, live is either a daring adventure of nothing.
At the end, I had a very nice conversation with a classmate that I had probably only said five words to in four years.. she also is a veggie person.. has her PhD and does work in Alzheimers...  and there was a connection.  I even gave her my card and hopes she connects.
Someone asked who else was in sociology.. if it meant a million bucks.. I could only think of two.. and only one was there. I don't think it is forgetting.. it is just replacing.  My life has moved on. 
I am glad I went last night.. but I am glad I followed a different path after I left the steps of the college. It was long ago.. I guess I was once apart of that.. I have my Who's Who Certificate and I know I was active in school..... and the picture in the yearbook looks familiar.. but who was that person.....I can only see a little of her in bonnywithy...