long week

It has been a busy week at Lake Woebegone.  When I wrote about my experience with the mammogram, the gods of anxiety must be reading my blog for in two days, I got the dreaded phone call.   Is this Bonita....this is the clinic and we have schedule an appointment for you to come in at the earliest time available.  The Dr. examined your slides and needs you in ASAP.  The appointment will be for 10:30 and you should plan to stay for the results and expect to stay for other procedures that might be necessary.  My first thought, I am sorry I complained about the rapid wam bam thank you mam... and the gown that didn’t close.  That did not fly, I must come in and of course the next appointment could not be for 2 weeks,  They would call if ANYTHING opened up.  So you hang up the phone and you are not sure which side or what or why, you just know that when you go back, you will not be herded into the right side waiting room.  

I have been determined to keep myself calm and centered and take everything in stride and then BOOM the awaited plan from the design center was presented and all I could think of what pick up an ox head and destroy.   Not a good thought when you are trying to keep calm.  Ok.. this is a great reason to really clean the house and toss stuff, a good reason to check out your health insurance, will, health care proxy etc.. And a good time to assess what you would do if you had surgery, or chemo, or radiation.   First I got a hair cut, they I tried to make an appointment with my kinesiologists chiropractor,  That did not happen since he was in the hospital with appendicitis,  Keep calm.. There is nothing wrong (denial).  I think I will get some of the stages out of the way... So meetings keep piling up and tasks get added and I am overeating and the calendar days are falling off the calendar, but there is sooooo much to do.  I want to go for a scooter ride but the bike is not running.  I want to drive to the canyons but there is no time and too much to do...

Finally, last Wednesday the day comes and other than I could not find the place, the same place I was at a few weeks ago, I was walking in the door.  No I did not have the insurance care you just copied 3 weeks ago.  No nothing has changed in three weeks...well I did move, have three children and get married and divorced....   what dumb questions.   I feel the sweat under my arms that were just showered.. and I walk thru the door...cheery person hands me a raggedy printed gown, I change, and take my bag with books, an energy drink, and energy bar, my laptop, my ipod iPod and a magazine and walk into the waiting area with folks all dressed in nice blue gowns.  Is this a sign.   I settled in and they called the names.  So much for confidentiality... BONITA MAYER....  “How are you today”....  well how the hell do you think I am...anxious – I thought... and say.. I am a Buddhist and whatever will be will be. ....”Well, I am a Christian”.... oh lord don’t let her squeeze Jesus into me....  Buddha and Jesus really said the same thing.. love yourself and your neighbor...  {Time to shut up Bonita...I thought).. my name is Tammy.. and she was just cute and perky..    So we started...  I could see the tissue on the screen.. and she said...we are going to take pictures from several different angles... I thought she was using the karma sutra but I did manage to move my body to the places she wanted,,,squish.. squash.. hold your breath.. and go back and sit down.

The woman opposite me had had a major episode which resulted in chemo, which they later decided she did not need and 40 radiation treatments.. Oh Lord.. The other woman just kept knitting.. Every time someone came into the room, Everyone looked up like puppies at the shelter... and then back down when it wasn’t there name.  I figured there were about 10 people waiting for the doctor.. so I turned on the computer and started looking up “stuff”... Bonita Mayer...what.. I was on my feet tossing stuff in my bag and walking out of the room ...when the woman turned and said...I am working with Dr. Murphy and I want to speak with you for a moment.   I thought, I’ll go home and get the insurance card........ she opened the door to a closet and I stepped in ... she had the folder in her hand.... and she shut the door... You’re fine.. it was just a double amount of your tissue on the first shots...................................  Well I felt fine so I didn’t think there was anything wrong... but look at this gown.. no one should have to wear this..I thought you might toss me out with the gown...................

same same but different

You never know where your next boost toward life development will come from. 

I am earnestly trying to keep the “Same Same but Different” attitude as my way of  life.  It is easy as you walk about by yourself in Asia, but here, it is a challenge.

 I think the secret of not having everyone have an opinion is to not have people in your life who have an opinion. I am lucky in that my strong personality keeps many people at arm’s length. So giving me an opinion is not for the faint hearted but more for the naïve.  I have learned to take it all with a grain of salt and a capacity to sift out the seed from the shaft. 

Another secret is to set the ego down in another room as you are walking about so that your non-judgmental “Now” can take a more objective look at what you think might be going on.  It is interesting that I was about to go barefoot rather than walk with sand in my shoes.  In looking at the sandman... I got some input from a friend who doesn’t appear to take too many people, other than the love of his life, too seriously...  His comment, “just accept it”.... this guy is this guy and he is not going to change.. so when your lives intersect, you know how he going to approach a situation and just let him do it and work around it rather than try to control it.   WOW...

So when the sandman approached and I was in the Now and ready... I got a chance to just watch rather than being a controlling person for the sake of not letting him roll over me..  He really thinks he is being helpful and has a need for reassurance that he is ok. Rather than trying to micromanage... he is just an insecure fellow who doesn’t know how to relax and let the process work. It is very hard for him not to have a finger in the pudding..   so... Let him go for it, and unless it is critical, so what, it will end up the Same Same just Different.

Life just got a great deal easier.. and I am enjoying watching more of the world go by without having to help it along.

tick tick

Sometimes life reminds you how precious time is.  That doesn't happen when I am mindlessly watching the TV shows that I missed when I was out living in Asia.  That doesn't happen when I am sitting here reading about some just entering such an such a store or having dinner..who cares and the junk advertisement for the restaurant will probably encourage me not to go there.  That doesn't happen when I am storing emails that were important at the second but have little to do with the rest of my life... just clutter the mail box so it takes longer to load and see what is happening now.  I see some shifts in my attention to details and life, but there is the great undertow of not respecting my time and "getting around to do" the things that are important to me... So taking the idea from my clutter concept... think about what is important to think about .. and drop the rest... wow... a breath of fresh air...

Procrastination

I have been walking about the house looking at the stuff and have distracted myself with an inventory process.  As I noticed that I was created still another useless piece of paper, I started to look at the books and articles that say they help stop procrastination or help you get unstuck... I have several of both...so now I have a list, and books , and article about getting rid of what you don't want and the first think I noted was I don't want the things that try to teach you how to get ride of the things you don't want....  I came across a list of 72 things to help you stop procrastinating and the at they end they say... There are two rules...1) identify all the things that are important to you  and get rid of the rest..... When my Mom and I were talking one day I asked her what she regretted.... She was quick to answer.. That I never purged the house and left that to you ... I have no one to leave it to... So I am off to find thoes things that matter... And have a box of garbage bags for the rest...

Wham bam thank you Mam

I went to the local mammogram facility yesterday.  I kept smiling the entire time because I could not believe it was real.  I am going through the 12 time zone jet lag, so I am not making major decisions as in should I amputate my head or anything.  I am walking a little slower and trying to remember when I am putting my wallet since I have moved from a very simple easy enjoyable warm sunny calm environment to a beginning to get over scheduled  rushed cluttered environment.  In time, I will bring there to here, but it takes time. 

It was no probably getting up, since I was up at 3am.. so I arrived in the parking lot at 6:59 and walked through the door just as the chime for 7am was sounding.  I waited about a minute when I was told to go to window number 4.  I thought the car was behind number 1 but I proceeded.  

I gave the woman the papers, my drivers license, insurance card and apologized for being out of the country and not mailing the one.  She typed in my name, asked my birthdate and then toss the paper aside. ( I made a note..Next year don’t bother with this just give her a scrap with my name).  She handed the license back and said, we have your picture on file.  Looked briefly at the insurance card and handed it back.  I signed the electronic deal agreeing to the process and the release of info to the Dr. and walked to my seat.

Thirty seconds after my butt hit the seat and I cracked the book open, they called Bonita Mayer and I got up when through the door, joined two others and then waited for the thirds.  The woman, who appeared to be alive went into a robotic  mantra as we walked forward– decaf coffee and tea are here, bathroom is here.  When you get your gown, go the dressing area and change then come back and select a locker that has an electronic key. Open the locker an put our items in but keep your purse with you  close the door, put the key had the same number as your locker, put the key into the slot and when it beeps once, the door is locked take out your key and go into the waiting room to be called.  When you return, put the key into the same number locker and wait for two beeps and the door is open, take your items and leave the key.  Here are your gowns, put them on like a robe with the opening in the front.

I found an open change area, took off my top three items and then tried to get this gown with four strings to close.  I tried the top left with the top right and bottom right etc.. and finally had to use the lop right with the bottom left... to have some thing around me which I could also use my book to cover the plunging neckline that Sr. Mary Theophane would have said was tisk tisk immodest.   I proceeded to locker #45 which had a key, as I opened it as the robot was at the point of one beep and lock...

I found a seat in a area that had no one and was facing the outside window so I could remove my book from chest and start to read.  After one paragraph ....Bonita Mayer and I was up walking down the long corridor to the last door on the hallway following a shorter than I blond woman who was not about to waste her energy saying anything.

I said I failed gown 101 and couldn’t get it tied,  The gowns were a mistake and we are getting new ones..( out of the back of my small memory file cabinet... that is what they said last year when I couldn’t get it tied.... ) Put your stuff on the chair, take out your right arm and face the machine.  The next seconds are a blur for she toss my body from one place to another, lowering and squeezing my soft anatomy  saying left arm here no left arm here as my dyslectic self when into protection mode. Hold your breath... toss arm here... hold your breath...  put the arm back into the gown and take out the other... shove, slap, squeeze, don’t breath.. somewhere in the blur, it started to hit me that I was having an out of body experience and surely this blond midget was not handling my body in this manner.. I was on Saturday night live... well why not if no talent Lindsey Lohan could do it .. why not me and my “girls”. After the fourth hold your breath, she said, sit there and I’ll be back... she was.. she checked something and then said ok you can go... I walked down the hall, put my electronic key in for two beeps, put my clothing back on checked not to leave anything ...broken gown into the bin and walked out the door at 7:29.... wondering if I had a branding mark on my butt for I surely felt like cattle.... and so it goes for another year.....

Free Play

I had a full agenda when I left Rochester in January. More than getting my teeth repaired or a “travel vacation”, I went on a “vision” quest and lived apart from my regular demands, expectations, selected involvements etc. I know me well enough to know that until I get the demon of “responsible”, need to be blatantly honest, if I don’t do it, who will.... under control, I will continue to follow my own phase.. how you do anything is how you do everything. I am tired of the way I have been living, “acting”, being and I wanted to sculpt the inner soul I see inside.. some the Buddhahood/Christhood and some not so Buddha like. I took a good look at why I dread writing, why I have sand in my shoes (it is not the mountain that kills you it is the sand in the shoe) why I hate to watch folks walk into walls, why I want to run or kill those that live in the half empty negative side of life – we did that and it didn’t work.. nothing works... it can’t be done.. what are the things – people or places that a sucking the life out of my world. It took some days but I started to feel that living an improvisation life was where I wanted to go.

 Living as close to your spontaneous self as possible is risky and you might find yourself on the edge by yourself. Not so.... there are lots of “closet” free spirited folks out there. A few put me in touch with a few writers or websites... a few have lead by example. The spontaneous improvisational folks probably did not come from a traditional corporate lockstep past, but they are out there. I have never had an outline for my writing and really only spell check it and read it through to see if my computer has deleted paragraphs.. which my Acer is want to do... I usually get an idea from something I saw, heard, felt.. and just write. My father played wonderful music...and he cooked terrifically... he would come into the room on Sunday nights and pick up the violin... and just play...sometimes he would ask.. why style I wanted... and I often said Bach/Mozart.. and he would put two tunes together and then call out as he switched... When he was in the kitchen ... I say what is it... well it would be fried banana’s with pineapple and nuts... When my mother cooked.. she had the big book with the many pages of typed recipes... and occasionally would say.. on no.. I don’t have any such and such and start to toss out the partial product..and my Dad would say.. well what do you have.. or just use this/that and it would be fine. Dad could feel the music and the food and create an adventure for your ear or palate and my Mom.. steady, consistent, and acceptable would cook from the page notes and play the piano from the sheet music.

For the next phase of my life, I am going to spend more time in the spontaneous and laughing at my creations. I need a few months to make the shift.. but it is coming and I feel it in my stomach like a hungry bear... many things/people/places that have been my “responsibility” will not get my attention any more.. someone else can pick it up.. or not...

I am home now and my next many pages of type will be just my thoughts.. if you are a subscriber.. you will get my dibble.. but if I had you on my distribution list.. you will not have “find time” to read it.. but are always welcome to look on and see what condition by spontaneous condition is it.

Which came first...chicken or egg?

My clock is broken.  You don’t travel across twelve time zones without some need for body adjusting.  I am trying to force myself to say up and get up at regular times, but my eyes go shut while I am in a phone conversation at 4pm  or my head nods during the night news and then without warming, my eyes pop open at 12:30 am and don’t see the need for closing.  This is good and bad for it helps me to think in a cloudy... hazy way which then encourages a combination of thought and imagination.  Nothing is crisp – coming from assumptions but more crawling out of shadows.  

 Having taught helping professionals I have seen many that are extremely smart students... they know the literature and the theory.... but have little skill in feeling the nuances of a person and following the breath to the heart of issues thus leading to a self-resolution on the part of the person asking for help.  A helper who does not intentionally puts cobwebs in the helpees way might give them a compass and a shove so they just stumble around and eventual go out the door they came in and are no clearer.   

The intellectual  therapist often sees where the client “should be”... a happy well-adjusted person.  The book person is quick to peg (in the business it is called assess)  but finds it hard to accept the personal choice path that can lead to the necessary thrashing at a deeper level.   Sometimes you just have to thrash..float...do trial and error... let your imagination and sixth sense take over an lead you to a new Now. ...you earn your direction by coming out of lost.  

When I look at life through the lens... I sometimes see a story... not just there is a little girl washing her socks and the story of the socks.... but the story behind the story... the story in the child’s eyes... the story of isolation but not loneliness.. of accepting a life  of continued separation and thus freedom to be one’s self.  I was struck travelling how many couples were silently eating alone and had gotten over even attempting to have conversation.  I would like to think they were giving the partner space...but more.I think they were just bored....

Writing is more than a habit for me...... it is my way of putting my drunken foot out of the bed so the room doesn’t spin as fast out of control... It helps me regroup and reset the compass.  For the past day, I have sorting and purging... letting go of what was not working but familiar... I am intent on having the life I want.. and things, places, people.... will be out of my time zone...    

So does the picture come from the story or create the story... does the path come from confused thoughts or does the clarity of purpose provide the direction..... .