Meditation

Awake and aware

My meditation practice has changed both when sitting and when living.   I use to close my eyes and try to get rid of everything that came into my tiny window of focus. 

My new way….  

The first thing I did was open my eyes so I am aware of movement in the room and my own space in that space.  It is an out of focus eye but sharpens when someone is standing too close to my sitting (Common practice with some folks who come to the Wat and are staring at the ceiling and not watching there stepping space).  I don’t do anything but I am not shocked when they accidently step next to my leg or on my pants.

 The next thing, while I still follow my belly breath, I have opened the mind room so that my thought are sitting to a very large space.   In the larger space, the thinking or fantasy that comes to me when I am “clearing my head” (my new term for meditation) is more of a perception of what is floating about, but I am less likely to attach since the space is so vast. My process is more… mmmm look at that old thought … have not seen that in awhile, thought it had gone on to the old thoughts pile…. Interesting. 

 Sometimes when I am back on my feet and walking about in the day or on the scooter to someplace… I pull out the thought and say… what was that about and how does it relate to today.

As I have made the changes, I have confirmed my decision to avoid the trans meditation process. With little effort the big mind room has reduced the thinking significantly and I feel very comfortable and open.  People, pictures, words, smells, sounds come in… take a second or two in front of the mind camera…and then just float by…     all good.

My relationship with the pool water has changed significantly.  I see my body very differently in the water and my relationship with the experience differently.   I am relaxed.  I still get water in my nose occasionally but water is my friend and supports me.

I am grateful that I am having this experience and have come to know more parts to myself.

friendship

I have spent some cushion or should I say chair time to look at friendship.  I thumb through photo’s over the years and see so many people whom I spent time with and could not image that they would not be in my life as long as we were both alive.  We laughed and played and had some great times.

 But then the shadows have come; you lose a job, you are down on your luck and worse, you're not sure you can get up one more time.  There are more subtle things like you say or do something you wish that you had not done or said

 When it is dreadful both emotionally and physically, you think of what you can sell or who you could ask just to be there when the lights go out.  And when they do, you realize that you are alone in the dark and quiet.  You are alone with yourself.

You sit and listen to your heart beat and know you are alive.  For me, sitting in the dark, I thought about all the things folks said about me or to me that pointed to error, mistakes, missteps and I put my label on … less than, flawed, not worth the trouble.  I listened to the replay of everything negative and thought, of course who could be a friend to someone like that.  I understand why they walked.

I also tried to think of those that I had bailed on……………………………………………..   Some moved out of range, and we slowly lost the daily conversations that keep it close.  A few dear, ones are not on this earthly plane but in my daily thought and so much a part of my steps…. And very often I hear myself say…Oh.. they would enjoy or I wish you here to see this.

Ready this it all sounds very sad, but I want to tell you, I have honestly met a good friend.   I the silent time of meditation we conclude that friends don’t walk when there is an “issue," but they also don’t just store it away.   Friends put the good the bad the ugly the success, joys the accomplishments on the table and looked them from every side.  When quietly reviewed, there is not much difference between the success and the missteps; it is all life and learning.  Nothing is to be judged or labeled.   Friends accept each other knowing that there will some head scratching and some smiles.  

I came here to deal with some words said to me that I was a bully. In looking at this from all sides and I can see that it would not be easy for a passive person to accept or understand my passion or energy and it requires some effort for me to read someone who moves slowly and can remain on the outside of the life circle.   I am not bad, and I don’t see the bully, the other person is not bad.  Like everything, the more diverse, the richer life can be.

I like myself.  I am enjoying my company.  Happy to have someone to walk with occasionally but ok walking alone.  I can’t think of anyone I would rather go through life with and I think I am once of the most fun people to be with in almost any situation.   I don’t life recklessly but I am not afraid of a little stretching of my experience.  And my tenacity with the swimming is clear proof that I don’t quit and am up for a challenge. 

I am sorry for the loss of some people that have walked away, but I don’t feel badly about myself. That is their choice but my door is always open to anyone who has walked in and out.  And for those that have stayed… hold on to your zipper… we are in for an adventure.

to fishy fishy from turtle fred

Fred is out of town this weekend...so here are the instructions.   I did not want to misplace this and I thought it might be of interest or helpful others.   b

Good job Fishy FIshy!

Let's recapitulate:

For objective 1 and 2, you don't need to breathe, just do 4 or 5 strokes. Stand up and repeat.

Each time you stand up, identify what was feeling good and reproduce it. Identify also what can be improved, if anything, and do what's necessary to improve it. Don't think too long between reps. Just take 3 to 4 breaths to help you concentrate again, jump and repeat.

When you feel, it was all good, repeat it again a couple of times to ingrain it into your muscles and nerves memory.

Final note: Avoid struggling. If you feel that you start struggling,stop and repea tin a gentler manner.

Objective 1 (see previous email)

Objective 2: Digging downwards

Focus: 

1. For the hands, your target is well below the surface (you already master that one)

Objective 3: Streamlined body

Focuses

1a. Head: Focus on a relaxed neck. That is let the head sink or (we could say, let it float, because it cannot sink; sink or float, same same). But make sure you don't push it down nor lift it up.

1b. Head: Focus on a stable head. Keep your gaze to the bottom of the pool. You can also focus on keeping your nose pointing to the bottom of the pool; nose or gaze, same same, not different. 

2. Chest: Focus on swimming into a hole. How? After your hand entered the water in the smallest possible hole, your arm should follow your hand in that hole, then your chest and finally your legs. 

At this point, you can reinforce Objective 1 which also works on streamlining.

Objective 4: Seamless breathing

This comes to supplement the paper that I already gave you.

Drills

1. Half sheeshkebab

Starting position: Jump into Superwoman Glide, pull one hand and turn your whole body facing the side of the pool. Now, your on your side, the upper arm is along side your body and the lower arm is extending slightly downwards with palm facing down, and you start to flutter. Your neck is relaxed. It feels very comfortable and weightless.

Movement: Turn like a sheeshkebab, in order to let the mouth coming to air effortlessly.

Use one, two or all of the following: feet, hips and shoulders, with the top of your head effortlessly poitning to the end of the pool.

Note: you can slightly turn the head at the end of the turn, but never feel tension in your neck. 

2. Interrupted breathing movement (full sheeshkebab)

Phase a. Starting position. Take a couple of stroke. Finish in Skating position.

Movement. To help the sheeshkebab turn, use shoulderblade and opposite hip turn. 

Extend the leading arm even further than on non-breathing strokes, from the shoulderblade down to the wrist. (Initiating the extension from your shoulderblade is the safest place, but you could also feel it around your armpit. However the armpit is a much more delicate area, so if possible I recommend to focus on doing the extension from the shoulderblade down to the wrist, not the fingers which are always pointing downwards). 

So, as you extend the arm from your shouldblade further, also help to reach further from the upper hip, by allowing it to passively turn.

First get used to turn like that, extending the arm and turning the hip (and shoulders) up. 

Note 1: always make sure to take enough air and comfortably turn back the head and mouth in water.

Note 2: keep your reaching arm close to your ear when you are on your back in order to ensure streamlining.

Phase b. If you manage phase a, phase b will be a piece of cake. 

Until now, you haven't really used the legs to make the turn, because you had to stop in Skating and then turn from arm extension and a passive hip turn. 

Now, you will use a gentle toe flick to synchronize the hip turn and arm extension into the sheeshkebab turn.

Vital note: it cannot be a strong kick; you must do a compact and gentle toe flick. You don't want to create turbulence and capsize, but to make a nice sheeshkebab turn through the water. Again Objective 1 will thus be reinforced.

Starting position. Jump into Superwoman, come to the skating position. 

Movement: From Skating, take one stroke, and one stroke only. On that stroke, focus on synchronzing the extension of the leading arm with the toe flick. That means, just before your leading arm comes to full extension,when it is just a little bent, do the toe flick and reach full extension. As you do that, let the hip passively turn and the whole body roll as a sheeshkebab. Keep the leading arm extended alongside your ear.

Take air until you feel comfortable to roll back down.

Final note: rolling to air is easy, once you can do it. And you will do it in a streamlined way. I could see last week that your head position is as it should be. Now your problem was your leading arm which tends to go to the side instead of pointing forward. I may have forgotten to mention that once you have turned on your back, that reaching hand cannot really dig downward anymore. You can try right now: raise your arm along side your ear and stretch it backward, it is a strong and very uncomfortable stretch. So, if it is an uncomfortable position on land, it won't work in the water. So, don't focus on keeping your hand downwards when you roll on your back, just focus on changing track, and keep the arm alongside the ear. 

Oh my! We are not in the uninterrupted breathing motion yet, but you have already made gigantic improvements, and I hope this will help you with your week practice.

At the end of the day, you and I know that this all bunch of instructions can be reduced to balance, streamline, and perpetual motion, an the objective being to harmonize all body parts into one effortless motion in order to feel like a fish in water. And that's what you are going to do.

blub blub Fishy Fishy

Turtle Fred

Complicated and Simple

I have listened to many hours of dharma talks by many teachers.  Sat and walked at the Wat by the Gas Station and have read many pages since I have come to Thailand.   I just posted about swimming and ending suffering is much the same.  It is simple.  Rather than try to do something, you stay with the moment and watch what is happening.  

Not just paying attention to the highway and cars and people, but what is my response to what is happening   The happening.. will happen.   My response does not have to be my conditioned reaction.

Life requires constant attention. Outside of sleep, when I walk, sit, move, lay down, anything and anytime if I am not attending to what is happening, I will react.  Often I will respond and then feel bad about how I acted.  

In the "knee jerk" reaction, I victimize myself by my own actions.   It is rarely the event, incident, etc. that has a lasting affect.  It is how I attach to it that causes pain.

When I am aware, just aware - without judgment, attachment, editorializing, criticizing, etc. I am at the moment, part of the scene, but the observer of my own awareness. I enjoy things for what they are and be free of them when they pass by.  There feels like more enjoyment of the moment for that is what it is.. a moment.  There feels to be less frustration when the moment passes.. for that is all it will every be... a moment.

Like the water... .life flows.   We make it a project and cause pain when we try to hold on to anything that passes by.   I am grateful for the moments... and the next moment.... place...people.

When I want something that I don't have or try to hold something or someone where I want them to be... I cause myself pain.

Meditation - either as a way of life or in "retreat" from the world, is a full-time job.  It makes life real and not to be viewed as pessimistic or optimistic... it just is.

Today, I rode out to the hot springs, and I brought my suit so I could go into the sulfur pool.  It was relaxing, and several of the other bathers offered me a hand getting in and out of the pool. I am so healthy and fit, that I could not understand their concern and shook my head no help needed.  They don't know me and only see an older person not rushing.  My response (knee jerk)  was more...why are you offering rather than the observer of the entire picture...    you are very kind to offer, but I feel I will be ok without your assistance.

My new toy, the GPS allowed me the option of several ways home.  I took the "road less traveled."   It had many broken pavement patches, and I had to pay attention to the road since there were many spots that the road was missing   I  was looking at the road and did not see a car overtaking me until the car was a foot away from my right leg and there was just a bike width between me and ditch to my left.  I relaxed and told myself to just keep moving in the same direction and speed.  The car passed and we were both still on the road.

I was reminded that even in the country, I need to look behind and to the right and left and that was a call for me be mindful and aware.  

Within the next few minutes, I looked ahead and saw what appeared to be a small pile of sticks.   As I got closer... the stick slithered off the highway, and I had to move to the right to avoid the last of the tail of this now 5-foot snake.

The more aware..., the more awake and the less snake.

Swimming

My swimming is a metaphor for my life.   Simple things that need to be done for the process of swimming to be fluid.  Fred will not be here next Saturday when we usually have our lesson.  He is teaching out of town and is very generous to give me an hour of his limited weekend.  So this is all I need to do to be able to breathe easily and swim strong.

Once I decided that if didn’t matter if I learned to swim, I started to swim.   I am slippery.  I put my hand into the mail slot and keep my head pointing forward.   My knees are close, and I only give a strong kick as I am changing sides to put the other hand in the mail shoot. 

It is my body that turns, and then it brings the head with it.  Not the head that turns and brings the body.  Even the slightest kick makes the body and head turn more quickly.

The body follows the top of the head which is pointing across the pool.

I am relaxed.  The water is supporting me, and I don’t have to struggle to stay on top.

Swimming is actually skating in the water.   Skate – reach out. Mail shoot and stretch.. then stroke again.

For years, I looked at the water as something to conquer .. I was going to beat the water.  We struggled, and I drank more pool that you can imagine.  

The most effort for the swim now is blowing out all the air…. And easily taking in new….to blow again.

There is no hurry… I am not tired after an hour of swimming.. and I want to go again….

I am a “Sheesh Kabab” as Fred would say in his French/Belgian English.. 

Like my life lessons... I did not give up, and it is coming together. 

I skate.     I stroke…      I swim.

FEAR

When I stop to think about an action I am about to undertake and I keep the thought in my head, I can easily talk myself out of doing something.  I am not sure what “truth” is.  A few years ago, I put a wedge between myself and good friend by stating just that.  The other person is very convinced that they have learned a true way of living regarding their food.  The discussion came to that there are some things that are true and should be accepted as true.   This is not my belief.   I don’t know if there is a universal truth beyond the basic precepts of not taking a life or that which is not given. 

When I let my thinking slip to my heart/soul, I have a better feeling that what I am thinking of doing at this moment in time and why and how I will do it, is my truth at this moment. 

Many things that I once thought were true, I later found to be not true or at least not true as presented but maybe a variation.

In looking at history, even my own history, the things that I thought were permanent became leaves in the wind and things I thought would never be, became reality.  

I can observe suffering and can feel suffering but I can also reduce my suffering by accepting what has been my past, my karma, and determine if it brings me any peace to churn my actions or thoughts over and over or am I more content to accept the acts/thoughts and use them as lessons for my Now actions.

I do not want to have anything I think I want to do or should do not happen for fear of…………………..

My greatest fear would be having a regret that I did not act when my head and heart say go for it because I was afraid.

new day

I will not end the day with the last post...but I feel better that it is behind me.

Today I begin the last of three months.  I keep asking myself, why don't you have more massages.   Yesterday, Phat did a 2hr make me feel like new deep tissue massage

Today I did an hour of acupuncture followed by an hour head and shoulder massage and an hour facial.... Now off to swim..  Not bad for 77...   ok... the eye droops, the lips a little chapped, some brown spots, and my mouth has been crooked since I was 20.....but still... I am doing ok and very grateful for the opportunity to live my life this way

thou I walk through the valley

Wow.... went to the camera meeting last night and sat next to a person who is convinced of the conspiracy theory or as he says... it is not a theory.  There was not enough fuel on the plane to bring down the trade center, and it came down the day after a major trading fury.... it was blown up (in case you missed the theory).  Who knows and if so, what can I or we do about it.

The fluoride water treatment is what is eating the body and causing autism.  Ok, might be true.

The on the other side was a man who thinks CNN is trying to pepper the minds of people with untruth.  A third that thought there were 5mil dead people who voted.   One thing in common with all... Swedish, Norwegian, American, Australian, German, Great Brit.  think American foreign policy is terrible and had trouble using the Heinz Ketchup since it will eventually support Kerry.   Oh boy. and the Clintons are not honorable.  Who really knows.

 China will be the savior of the environment and US will go to war to help the economy and more importantly to eliminate many people to work toward a more pure culture (code for send off the undesirables, so they are killed off).

I, of course, went to get away from the screen and news but do believe many of the short shots that I heard...
the press will be cooped as it was in Germany,
the paper press has gone the way of steel mills etc.

All but myself and one other are expats living here for many years.   They cautioned that there are some things that are very expensive... a car and liquor.   The box of Australian but packaged in Thailand red wine cost about 800 bhat... or almost $30.  I had a 1/2 of a plastic cup... not worth the calories.

I am writing this down to remind myself that not too many things have gotten people up and talking as much as the past election.

Some things to remember...

There was a 54.2 percent turn out to the polls that means that 48% or 97,000,000 didn't vote... and add that that did not vote for DJT.... he hardly has a mandate.   Unfortunately, administrative orders have been around, so he is just picking up where the last few have left off.  FDR 3721, Clinton 364, GWB 291, and Obama 276.

There is no conclusion to all of this and most of it is just to remind myself that there are many opinions and theories to go around.   Be attentive to what I can be doing to help myself and a little piece of the rest of the world must be my focus or I will become obsessed with just gathering information and stewing in my own juice.

friend with self

When does it start that we become less friendly to ourselves   

Bad enough that others want to judge rather than tend to their own connection to self, but what am I doing to me by looking at everything with a judgmental eye.   If I am the only one in the space, then there is nothing to compare to.  Am I fat because I am fat or uncomfortable or causing my body to have to work harder to support me or do I see myself big in comparison to others, my mind’s eye of what should be ideal.  

What is ideal? – for my being, in comparison, or by whose standards is the bar set?

As long as I am outside of myself, I will tend to judge by looking at me in proportion to the world view.   When I connect with my true nature, I will just be and have a friendship with myself.

It all goes back to sometimes mother was correct… if you are not your own best friend, you are no ones.

And what did Buddha say……………………….

This is what should be done by those who are skilled in seeking the good, having attained the way of peace:

They should be able, straightforward, and upright, easy to speak to, gentle, and not proud,

Content and easily supported, with few obligations and wants

They should not do anything base that the wise would reprove.

May they be at their ease and secure—may all beings be happy.

Whatever living beings there are, whether they be weak or strong— omitting none –

Whether long, large, average, short, big or small,

Seen or unseen, dwelling near or far,

born or to be born—may all beings be happy.

Let no one deceive another or despise anyone anywhere.

Let none out of anger or hostility wish suffering upon another.

Just as a mother would protect with her life her own child, her only child,

So should one cultivate a boundless mind toward all beings and friendliness toward the entire world.

One should cultivate a boundless mind—above, below, and across,

Without obstruction, hatred, or enmity.

Standing, walking, sitting, or lying down, throughout all one’s waking hours,

One should practice this mindfulness; this, they say, is the supreme state.

Not falling into wrong views, virtuous, endowed with insight,

     Having overcome desire for sense pleasures, one will never again know rebirth.

swimming lesson

I have some new words to learn for my swimming.

I have to humm the theme to Love Boat so my timing is consistent

Take my hand out of my pocket before I bring my arm forward leading with the elbow to put my hand in the hole.

Turn my body when I pull the hand out of the pocket so I will be ready to breath when I am ready to let the snorkel go.

flick kick with my toe (kick the soccer ball) on the same foot as the arm motion.

relax

If I get a let cramp... trying to hard... relax

If I start to breath more than walking... trying to hard... relax


best of all... coach Fred says...much improvement

and bonny says... I know I can do this

water

I went swimming yesterday in the new pool.  At the deep end, I can have my nose out of the water if I am on my toes.  Very comforting.   It is salt water so no chlorine and it is only about 1/2 mile from my lodging.  Very nice lodge place that goes for about 10000 a month.. twice as much as my place but still cheap ($300)   They have a gym, pool, meeting room, store, coffee shop etc.  

I wore my suit over so I thought I would just read and sit in the sun to dry off, but there is not much sun and the sun spots were taken with the bikini group.  Also, I am not sure how anyone can sit for long on one of those wooden beach recliners.  My towel was not thick enough.   My top dried farly well, so I came home commando.

The purpose of this is to announce that water and I have made a new friendship.  I really enjoyed going back and forth on my back... back stroke or frog or side.  I didn't really even try to do the crawl.. I was happy and although I will meet teach Fred tomorrow for a lesson.   I really don't feel I need to learn to breath correctly.   I like the water and the water likes me.

Pajama Day

On Wednesday, I had a pajama day.  My sleep has been somewhat irregular so while I get 6-7 hrs, it is usually 2hrs then pause and 4 hrs.  Wednesday it caught up with me so I got up.. and then went back to bed.  Being on a “schedule” or the time I should be up and doing is a conditioning that goes far back. 

There was a “routine” at the parent house and one of the rules was, no matter what time I came home, I was up, dressed and ready for the day for breakfast.  There were days that the egg yoke breaking on the plate looked like the bottom of my stomach but I was up and ate the egg.  I am sure my mother knew I was dying, but my father was just happy I was at the table. 

 I only ate one big meal Wednesday – my Wednesday special Pern meal with a ½ carafe of red wine.  You would think I would have been slept out, but after the 10hr sleep I was ready for another 6.  In looking at the pattern I look at my conditioning. Some place very early in life, we grab onto a style of living and it becomes our pattern.  The only times I stayed in bed all day was when I was in bed with someone.  In those times, I hardly came up for air and was lucky to get a real meal.

I am watching bonny these days and mainly looking at how I think and live is different from others and why that way of approaching life has caused me some problems with relationships.  Intellectually, I know that there are types of personalities or manner of approaching life but when my “style” comes to bite me, I am always surprised.  

I tend to be half way down the road marching against the dragons just believing that my slingshot will do the trick.  The people who have to go to the library and read about dragons drive me dizzy just as my take action is disconcerting to them.   My energy has always been a “problem” to folks that think there are rules or don’t care for my direct approach.  When I say what I am thinking, it has often been called the Bonny Bomb.  I see it as not beating around the bush.   The nice outside but nasty inside presentation has never set well with me and just like those folks could not be me, I could not be them.  There is no right or wrong about all of this.  What my personal work is helping me to see is that I do not need to change but I need to accept that when I am direct, those that are timid, slower etc. are going to be upset and it might cost me a contact.  On the other hand, when I use my intuitive skills to know how to “sell”, I can modulate my presentation so it can be heard. 

Spending a lot of time with Bonny has been good.  I have a better idea of who she is and who she wants to be as well as how she came to be where she is today.  I like her.  She has spunk.   Mary Tyler Moore had spunk and many people liked her… who knows……