799 wake up

     A few years ago, someone asked me how I was going to spend the last quarter of my life.  I usually roll along from day to day with no expiration date in mind.   There are many days during my life that I just spent chasing useless goals or time wasters.   Like looking for my belongings – keys, wallet, glasses, etc. the non-purposeful time was probably close to another quarter of my life.  A  sobering thought.

     I once had a mantra – what do I want my legacy to be.   Somewhere thought hours of dharma talks and tapes and reflections that shifted to who do I want to be and finely who am I now.   Six years ago tomorrow, my longtime friend, Georgette left life and my world. I have an expression; I will hold your coat which refers to a second in a fight that will stand by while the other fights.  I was her second.  She was a fairly introverted person who was not aware of much but her dogs.  If I asked, she would have held my coat, but there is something about not asking and just knowing that when a need arises someone will step up and be there.

    This week was another time when I asked myself not how do I want to spend my last 15% of my life but how do I want to spend my days.   My first purge was just that; I am getting very clear as to how I will not spend it. 

• 1.       Not put more than a few hours a week working to make a community that doesn’t care a better place.   That will be the biggest shift.   I am looking at a project list and saying, what will give me pleasure, joy, personal reward.  The list is very small with most having an expiration date leaving nothing on the list by fall.  This will be the last festival, last house tour, last outreach.   I don’t know who will do it, but not my concern 
• 2.    Not dropping everything I am doing to do something for almost anyone.   I am coming into my own life every morning and saying “ how can I make your life better Bonny.”  I have no guilt; I gave at the office
• 3.   I will purge everything from my environment that does not give me joy and does not make my surroundings sing to me.   This will be a great deal of stuff, and it will be hard but the process of taking care of me so when I come into my house I feel the simple pleasure of my living space.
• 4.    I will take the best care of my body that I can even if it means more time walking on bad knees and drinking more water.
• 5.      I will put my Practice as the most important part of my life so that l live with ease in a middle way – holding my center from the distraction of things that are not on my path and my now space.  This will not make sense to many readers, but it is putting a pause in more often, so I don’t wander into the wilderness of life but stay focused

Last week I had the annual mammogram and got the dreaded recall.   My spirit guides said it is just an anomaly but my inner child got scared and thought of just sitting in the corner and saying poor me.  My adult said, woman, you are 78 yrs old don’t take any medication and pretty much live a great life.  Get over it.   I told five people who either needed to know (2) or who I wanted to tell (2) and one that I wanted to know their experience with surgeons and their process (1).   One stepped up immediately and wanted to hold my coat – come with me for support.  I did not feel I needed that but the thought smiled at me.    The results were as my guides had told me … just tissue and fat cells, come back next year. 

I am glad it happened for it has pushed me out of my own way and I feel I am walking toward a more open, clutter-free life with more mindful clarity.  Now I will need many someones to understand and help me not stray from my path. 

798 just another Sunday

     It started last night when I decided to be a good housemate and leave a flashlight out in case the power was out when Jim came home from work.   I know there at least 5 good flashlights in the house, but this one had no bulb, and this one didn’t work because it had gotten corroded.  Finally, I cobbled together one good one and put a candle next to my bed that I could use with my cell phone if the lights went out.   At 4:15 a little brown dog came running upstairs and jumped into bed and I could see the red light on the TV so I had power in addition to a wet dog… all is well.

     It is Sunday morning and I have the honor of sitting with a small about three miles away.   I looked out the window and could see a frozen car, frozen steps, and frozen porch.   It would take me an hour to get out of the house and in a vehicle that was drivable.   So, I opted to sit at home.  It is my regular time to sit… 9am.

     I moved my chair, but on my shawl, and set my timers….   My throat was very dry, so let’s get a glass of water before I poke the timer.   Mistake.

     On the dishwasher was a note, the garbage disposal is not draining.   I quickly added, and the water is backing up into the second sink.   Roll up the sleeves and run the dishwasher… it is working fine.   Now the great scavenger hunt beginnings.  Where is the plunger for the plumbing?   I have a big house and big basement and before I left, everything was moved so I could caulk the windows.   I asked the spirits of the house to help me locate the plunger.   Presto and with about four pumps, the water was gone, and I was back ready to meditate.  

     Since I had to take the plunger back down, why not bring up the paws melt and start the melting of the porch and walk.   Ok… back to sitting…

     Oh yes, the water.   I reached into the refrigerator to get the water bottle and tipped over the apple vinegar which had a non-screwed on cap and the apple vinegar went everywhere in seconds.

So roll up the sleeves and prepared to clean and wash down the refrigerator.   Well if I am doing the refrigerator why not the freezer.   And if I am doing the freezer, why not the stove.   So, four hours later, the ice has melted, the refrigerator and the freezer are clean as a whistle and I know exactly what I have in the house.   The filter for the exhaust fan over the stove is clean as it the stove…..   It is four hours after I was going to sit… and I am hungry.

     It is now 9pm and I am going to sit.  And it is all good.

797 - getting old

     I had a friend who said one day while looking at the skin on his hands, “oh that is how it happens.”  He had to explain and show me that his skin was less elastic and had more wrangles.   I started to watch my skin, and while I also try to have a sauna, a massage, and put some oil on my body when I am in the sun, it happens.

     The skin getting crinkly is less of an issue to myself since what I look like is less important to me than how I feel.   I have been very blessed with good genes and two parents, while different, both were driven by purpose and energy. 

     They were old when I was born, Mom 35 and Dad 45 but I saw them as more active and busy and purposeful than most of the other parents in my group.  Mom made cookies for everyone and Dad was ready to drive the group to camp, or ball games, etc.   I have also been active and busy and pushed myself to do more than most.  Even last year, at the festival I was still moving barricades in the morning. 

     The trip home from Asia this time was not easy and at the end of the final coming home process, the luggage arriving five days after I left Asia, I got a cold.  First, it was in the head, then the nosebleed period, and then the coughing and coughing and coughing.  I felt like someone had opened up the drain to my energy or I had put on cement boots.  Every step was an effort.   I looked at stuff that needed to be done and sat and watched the news or the DIY channel.  Making my food was an effort.  Going up and down the stairs was an effort.   

     I tried to set the timer for 25 min of effort toward sorting my clothes and would end up sitting down.  I went to a concert and started to cough and ended up coughing continuously for 45 min while I tried to walk down East Avenue toward my car.    I got into the car coughing and said, Grey Goose, you have to get me home as if the inanimate vehicle could understand.    I was sick.   I don’t get sick.

     I napped.  I don’t nap.    I ate what I could get a hand on and then it tasted like cardboard.  I stood at the bottom of the stairs and thought these 18 steps are no less than walking the El Comino.  The wrinkles on my hands were nothing compared to how old I felt without energy.    I thought of some of the folks that I worked with as they were aging.   My friend Elmer would say to me don’t make me go to the dining room, I am too tired.   You can do it, I would respond.  And he would use everything he had in his reserve so as not to disappoint me. He was tired and felt too tired to try.

     For almost two weeks, with my bladder not happy with my continuous coughing, my eyes running, my nose bleeding, my energy depleted, I knew what it was to feel and be old.

     When I got some homeopathic stuff from Dr. O my chiro, I started to sleep at night, my nose dried up and my cough moved to my upper chest.  My bladder was happy, and I was no longer having to change my clothes or think of depends… bonny was coming back.

     I finally figured that getting old was one thing and getting sick was another and maybe getting sick when you are getting old is the third and worse.   I move slower, and I plan more so I don’t have to backtrack my steps, but for today… I am giving myself an appreciation of being able to get up and go to the gym and try to keep what I have.