SLOW DOWN ENOUGH TO NOTICE WHAT IS TRUE

I pushed back my calendar to last year and noted 12/22 shop for the farm - Dec 23-26^th Hudson.  I can see myself driving up the drive and watching the white silhouettes of the curious horses,  walking in with bags of groceries, the dogs running everywhere and Georgette in her chair.   Was it only a year, or a century ago or yesterday?  Today, the farm is owned by someone else, the dogs are dispersed, and the horses and Georgette not in this world and I will have dinner in Rochester and see a movie on Christmas.  

What have I learned from all that has gone on this year?  I think it has been that when you are in the middle of a great mess, when there are new things happening to you… new house, new car, new love, new money…when you are faced with choices and decisions….. you need to walk slower, sit quieter and notice, listen, sense what is true.

I listen to the heads on the news and everyone thinks their way or thoughts are true – get rid of guns, arm everyone, only those that have signed up for a religion will be saved, I walk in the woods and see god… etc. are someone’s truth.  But what is right for me, what can assist me on a path of completion and fulfillment of my purpose.   How can I not get caught in the litter flying by in the way of filling holes in my life or giving me instant pleasure or spend time picking up the dimes of life and miss the dollars, the gold.  What is my truth, purpose, value.  I return to stepping out, free the calendar and spend time with myself….  I value friendship and more, I value the opportunity to be a friend.  I value simplicity and ease of living and want to share what I have so that others can find a calm breath.  I need fewer things for things do not make you happy.  I need fewer people but people that connect, are real, have examined their own lives.   Breaking bread with laughter makes you happy.  Keeping life simple and being aware of every waking moment can help you find your truth, give you the answers to the bigger pictures… and you start become true to yourself.   

if only we had a button

               There are times that we are just flying around with our head chopped off.  Usually this is after some trauma that leaves us not sure which direction to walk and some times where we are or where we should be going.  In the extreme sense, you can see it on the TV when there is a crisis, trauma, event but it happens in our own life when not sure of our self and have been dealt the unusual.  We can stay in “mess mode” for as long as it takes to get our rudder in the water securely and have direction to our life.         I remember a day when I was out for a midday sail and there was very little wind.  I put a rope around the tiller and dropped an anchor in 60 feet of water.. mostly to slow the boat, poured a tall glass of wine and started to read while lying on the back bench.  The boat rocked like a cradle and with the sun and wine and music on the radio.. I began to fall asleep, but decided not to move and I fell asleep.  Since I have burned the candle and both ends and the middle most of my life.  I was very tired and did not hear the wind come up or the other sounds like waves hitting the shore.  

               I opened my eyes when the boat started to thrash and the cradle became violent and actually ended up on the bottom of the boat when toss off the bench.   I was in a serious storm on the other side of the bay in a 16 foot day sailor with the life preservers in the fore cubby and me the non-swimmer in a stupor as we headed for an overhanging tree in an unpopulated area.  I had to go into survival mode and did not care what happened except to get the boat stable into the wind.  The wine all over the floor the book floating in the wash from the waves one shoe on the floor that I could reach and the other at the end of the bench… I have sailed for a long time so getting the boat under control in the storm was not impossible – I dropped the sail enough to get out of the tree branches and got into clear water so I could pull the anchor up and got myself headed for my house on the bay.  I did a quick inventory of the mess – book lost, glass in boat, one shoe on, anchor line available, fore line dragging in the water, lightning about 2-3 miles away in the direction of the house that as also about a mile away. The fiberglass boat was in one piece but a few dings from the rocks near the tree.  The wind was a little shifty and I was needing to head pretty close to the wind line to make the house but there was a danger of a the sail flying across the boat and capsize.  Just let me get to shore…..    Soon the end was in sight.. and I used every ounce of experience to guess the wind and speed… tied the rudder and jumped up to drop the sail grab the line and jump to the dock.  I had invented some aids on the dock to help me dock alone so eventually I was able to turn the boat and secure it leaving the sail in the bottom of the boat and hop into the house with one shoe.  The chaos took about 20 minutes but the cleanup took months.

               In assessing the damage, I had multiple cuts and lump on my head, a piece of glass I my foot, a sore toe and the boat was scratched, a small tear in the sail, a cleat missing on the runner, the dangle board had been chipped as well as my self-respect for getting into this mess.  I had not been a responsible captain.

               There is always an aftermath to an upheaval.   We make a mess and it takes time to clean it up to get the life space back to order.  Sometimes we just need to clean house and simplify and sometimes we are given an opportunity or trauma which causes things to fly off the shelves and end up on the floor.  I look at the pictures of Sandy or think about the farm when I first started to think, I have to empty out this stuffed house.   It is overwhelming but when it feels the most overwhelming is when you are on your way to getting it in order.  We get impatient, you’re tired, and you want it done with now.  That is when we question what we are doing or if we are making progress.  Take time to celebrate that you made it to shore… that you are on your way and that you have the opportunity to assess what works and doesn’t in a more mindful manner.   As for me… I am down to one room.. and will not compromise my process of picking up every item and saying… do I need this… is this some with sentimental value…if I did not have this would I feel diminished and I focus on progress not perfection. But I would not mind a button to just push and make it right.

The page is not blank, I am blank

For years I have just sat down and started to write.  Occasionally, I get a word or thought during the day that calls to me and I feel I want to clarify my thinking so I put it on paper and more recently, share it on the blog.  Sometimes I get comments back from folks and some are folks that I don’t even know that tell me my words are crap or meaningful to them.  Either way, it is my opinions and thoughts and I have to live with them.  I don’t rewrite or edit except when I read it and can’t make sense of it or even I can see that the spellcheck is possessed or has gone dyslectic like the writer.   Every once in a while I get a blank paper - blank mind attack and sometimes I get an over full life that keeps me from the page.  I know my routine is best served with a scribble so I scribble.  

That is not the case this morning. I have spent my life trying to say the right thing at the right time to the right person so that I could help them move on with their life.  I have had to say some hard things such as telling a child they missed the moment of their parents death, their daughter is pregnant by the Chaplin of the facility their child was placed at to help her grow into a productive young woman and now she is “growing” with some fools child, I had to try to comfort abused children and try to help them not believe they were asking this important adult to beat them or rape them, and I tried to help a seven year old boy, holding the pant leg of his father who was shot dead by the police as he was pulled to the floor by the weight of the man he called dad. 

But nothing that I have ever experienced would be anything like the helping team faced yesterday as they walked into a fire hall to tell parents and loved ones of 18-20 children that their young fresh lives had been taken from them with no opportunity for their tomorrows and taken just because they were in a safe place with an unstable person. I tried to think of what I would say or how I would say it. Sorry but….  You have been given a great challenge… nothing is permanent…..like any day, you have come to take your child home but today is different…... I was reminded yesterday that it is ever so important to really let your words fall from your head to your heart before they exit your mouth.  Sometimes we just say things that are well meant but come out stinging.  So today, maybe for the first time, I would have no confidence that I could rise to the occasion presented yesterday.  There are no words.  My heart goes to the children, the families, but also to each of the professionals on the helping team, who tried to reach into their soul to come up with something that would mean even a crumble of solace to those lost in their own pain….. and tomorrow is a new day…

Counter top measure

It is my experience that you do not realize how much things have gotten out of control until you take a second look at life space or are looking for something that you know is around here someplace.  I come into the house and put things on the counter, then I decide to clean out something and put more things on the counter in a mindless manner.  I might give a momentary thought, I really need to put things away, but it just starts to pile up.    It is OK to agree that everything should have a place and nothing should be on the counter but another thing to do it.   It sounds simple.  Just walk over there and take the top thing and put it where is should be.  Well were it should be something else is in its place and you don’t have time to take care of it.  I have lived by the drain pipe method for years.  When you hear the water of your life going down the overflow drain, such as that in the bathtub, you best do something before you have water on the floor.   I have depended on my ability to scramble to catch up.  When I was young and at home, I would leave the house with seconds to spare and race to the bus stop just as the bus was arriving.  It worked.  I could always clean up just before company. It worked.  I have expected everything from my energy level.  The scramble, the overwork, the late nights and early morning, the candle burning at both ends and it worked.   A few weeks ago, I had a fireworks episode in my left eye.  I could not see through the explosion and could not get it to stop when I closed my eyes.   It is my left ear that is now deaf so I was worried that my left eye knew something that I didn’t know..like I was running out of heart beats.   It turned out to be an optical migraine which went away in an hour, but it was my overflow telling me it was time to really pay attention.  The counter top is clearing, the basement is clearing, the back yard is clearing and I am getting ready to go away on a 60 day retreat… good food, exercise, attention to my body , mind and spirit.  This time is different.  I am check out what condition my condition is in and today is the stress test to see what is happening to my extra heart beats.  What is different this year, I am preparing for my return before I leave.  I don’t want to spend my energy looking for what is not in place nor living with the items of my life sitting close to the overflow drain. I want to get off the plane in March to my home with clear counters.   I have already spend years looking for my keys, glasses and wallet and now cell phone. It worked but I don’t want it.   And what is amazing.  The more I live in an environment that is comfortable and inviting to myself… the more I sigh and say.. another beautiful day in the comfort of my own home this is my life and I am happy.

Blue Scarf

I am very grateful for the experience of cleaning out my friend’s home and for trying to get my tenant uncluttered.  While I am far from simplicity, I am gaining on it.  I have been fortunate to have many wonderful people pass in and through my life.  Many have felt the need to give me something for what they felt was a step up in their own lives. These are important to me, but useful, artistic, or of value, maybe not.   An example, I was on a standing near the back platform on train coming back from Norway.  I had been listening to the chatter of folks trying to hook up.  Many needed to feel attractive to someone if only for the duration of the travel. I had been making mental notes about what I thought each would look like and finally I my curiosity got to me and I turned around.  Some must have been desperate and others, the winners, were making great progress in the connection and were bumping into each other as the train jerked.  In the midst of this group was a young woman rather looking at the ground rather than the wonderful scenery?   Could I just leave that alone… if you say yes, you do not know me.  Using the techniques of “hooking up” without “what’s your sign”, “come here often etc.” or letting her think that I was really on the make,   I made contact.  She was young.  Just out of high school. Had been back packing in England and decided to come across to Europe and found it was much more expensive than she thought.  She had 3 more days and $10.  “I’ll be alright I’ll be alright” she insisted. She was going to be a dancer and lived in Chicago.  She was thin and short and had lots of brown hair and when we talked about life and spirituality and being your own person, I was pretty sure she would make it someplace if not the dance.  But $10 for 3 days was going to put her in a hungry place.  As a backpacker, I knew she could sleep but eat, not so easily.  I watch her gear while she went to WC and fussed with my own cash to see what I could find in US and located $50.  I then tried to locate an entrance into her gear with the now lovers looking on in suspect.  There was nothing to do but the direct approach.  Her station for the ferry was coming soon and I picked up her back pack for her and handed her the money.  She would not take a cent unless she had my address.  I scribbled my address; she took the money and was gone.  I of course had credit cards, had worked 10 yrs. Etc. and while this gesture was a little inconvenient, I was going to be fine.  About 3 months later, a small package arrived at the house from Chicago.  Five $10 bills and a hand knitted blue scarf with a note, you were there when I needed and I got home with 4 cents.  I will pay this forward someday.  I was thirty-two when this happened and I have the scarf in my closet and I never see it that I am not reminded you only get a small window to step up to something that might change another’s live.   I’m keeping the scarf but out goes many “have to give you something” gifts of greater financial worth.  

Mountains

In looking at my life history I can see that there were times that I crawled over mountains on foot at a time and got to top without really knowing how high or long I was walking.  It is rather like starting college.  On day one you don’t think I will take 30 courses, read a million pages, write 90 papers and a thesis give 30 presentations.   If you thought that, you probably would return home. You just go to the bookstore and start or you create a mountain.  To me the mountain is the task with added mental angst.  I don’t read well, I don’t read fast, I don’t write well, I might not make the grade, I might not have friends etc..  Learning to live with your mountains is an important life lesson.  In my life I have had relationships end and I have ended them.  Whatever happened is not the pain of it, it is what I did with the experience that mattered to my life.   In one case, I spend a very long time, reliving every conversation, every argument as well as every stolen intimate moment.  I obsessed over what I gave up for the relationship and how my life was changed etc. I fantasized over what might have been, what would have been, what should have been.  Every time I put on clothes, I thought of time we were together and I wore that etc.. And I stored it all in a very large mountain.  I never climbed the mountain, because it was a mental mountain that I created and the only way to get around, over, under, or through was to let go of the solid mass and let it crumble with time.  Today, I know the relationship was never that right for me and I am grateful that it ended.  At the time, it was oh so painful and now I look at all that came from the ending.  Being able to use your surveyor skills of detached assessment or if you don’t have that… your poker skills of knowing when to fold and when to hold really put the mountain into perspective.  If real…start walking up and if not real…start walking away.

How long can we live at full throttle?

How long can we live at full throttle ...is that living Trying to keep your life on an even keel when you have meteorites flying by is a hard thing.  Some of the flying debris had my name on it and some were headed for folks that need help and some were tasks that need to be done and no one to do them..  Whatever… there was a meteorite shower this weekend.  I am pretty good at catching falling stars but this was a test for an even proficient juggler.  So you say, what can be set aside and it was my writing and my knitting.    At the last minute I ended up knee deep at the holiday house tour and unfortunately it required me to use the knee.  Amazingly, I have tried to pay very close attention to what the knee is saying and I got good cooperation from my body that allowed me to walk many miles during the 5 hour tour. I made tapioca for my house helper and scones for the man that I had asked to move his car while reading the paper….  My house mate decided he has an allergy to my lucky cat, so I hired two people and we scrubbed every inch of his space, installed an air purifier, and put a barricade between my dining room and the library…  I still have two loads of his laundry to do…  That was a bigger job than anyone can imagine.. I will only say… “little boys” are very very untidy. But as I am about to leave for Asia, getting this settled was vital since I will rely on him to toss food at the cats with his face mask on.
I am giving myself a pass on all of this for I could see the end in sight and knew this was just a blip in my otherwise fairly tranquil life.  Oh I will always pack a lot into my day… but getting 10 minutes of uninterrupted tranquility every 3 hrs is vital.  When I programmed, I put on music and at the beginning of every song, I blinked.  You don’t blink when you stare at the screen for long periods of time.  Your eye becomes dry and you are in trouble.   Hard to blink when you are doing code and there is a problem but hard not to blink.   A good life requires a blink and 10 minutes of away time.

I am still connected to many people coming home at 8-9 at night to get up at 5 to start to do it over… and in 99 yrs will it matter… probably not to the company but the person give up their sanity to do the 60-80 hr work week… it really isn’t worth it and in time, you will pay.