Blog 793

     If I am regretting anything in my life it is that I spent too much time feeling bad about having to start over.  

      After all… I am bonny and I should should get it right the first time.  I was almost old...before I realized ...a “failure” is an opportunity for a new beginning.   Oher people can judge me but as long as I am standing on my own feet and not stepping on anyone's toes, I have the opportunity of a new beginning. If I turn a mis-take into a re-gret, I miss the opportunity to take the situation to a new level.  

     Conscience makes big matters small. Negativity makes small matters big. It doesn't matter if other people look down on me. I should never look down on myself.

     #1.  Accept what happened.   Nobody has the Midas touch and not everything will turn to gold.           #2   We all fail.   Failure or a mistake will happen to everyone at some time.  

     #3   Find out why. That is what counts rather than it was fate etc.  

     #4    It is the Art of Failure that makes for a great success the next time.  

     So, what did we learn.   This is the hard part.  Lack of preparation? Not enough information? Not enough time?  Is there a common denominator to other failures?  Did I put blinders on?  Did I not respond to the warning signs?

     If you are one of those people, and I am not one of them, that just sails thought difficult waters and comes out the other side without a scratch… hold on buddy, your time will come.  On the other hand, if you can get used to failure and learn from each episode, you will be just fine.

Know when to hold and went to fold

     I am moving toward the 800^th blog entry, and that will bring me to the end of my 2017-18 Thailand trip.  I find journaling every day a very good thing to help me put some “meat” around some of my thinking and some of the observations that I make.  I have shared this over the years with a variety of people, and many of the original group are folks that I don’t have much contact with at this time.   Many of those people said they were not interested in my “soapbox” but wanted more stories and pictures.

     In looking back, I am now almost all “soapbox” or at least where my thinking is or what have I learned.  I will not say never, but I plan to phase out the blog at the end of this trip.

     When I was in my 20’s, I told my Dad I was going to change jobs.  I was offered a new opportunity with much more money (I was only making $4500 annual in 1962, so $1000 more was very tempting).  My father came from “you stay where you are and be loyal” perspective which was pretty common then.  You just don’t change horses.  Since Georgette’s passing, only my childhood friend Elaine is in my life from those days. 

    Movement happens, and I am beginning to see that it is a good thing.  I don’t do well with lots of small chatter.  I do more poorly with gossip.  I want to chew a leg off when in a situation that is just babble.  I want to know what others are learning or seeing as their reality or truth. Even what someone finds amusing.  It can be about anything.. a shortcut to someplace or info on eating or what you see, feel or think when you are quiet. Deep as a dish conversation only lasts through the appetizer.   

     Sometimes, you just know that what is happening in your life at this moment is not productive or “healthy” for anyone.  Quitting on an unsettling situation appears to be a bad thing as in you are a quitter rather the reality – you have assessed your options and what is best for me and maybe you is to move on, walk away, go in another direction or just sit quietly. 

      By the 1962 rules, quitting must involve beating myself up, feeling guilty or shamed.  Why couldn’t I make this work?   Maybe the situation is about “how grown up are you?”  Can you make the tough choices without recrimination, regret, remorse, etc? Is it really necessary to beat yourself up so you can feel better that there was some self-inflicted pain involved in an already painful situation?

Everything in our life happens for a reason, but everything is impermanent. We just fool ourselves into the “now I have everything under control or settled”……ha.

a few learnings

I have listened to one of three audible books* every day before I sleep.  I now have discovered that I can set a timer for 30 minutes so I don’t wake up in the middle of the night with some man talking in my ear. Since my retreat, insight, and mindfulness have been a constant in my daily life. I find it easier to live the life I want to have when I am not involved in everyday chatter.  If anything, I find things much more humorous.   I am not super interested in giving my energy or time to which coffee place to go to for the best cappuccino.  A long time ago someone said this life thing is all about what did you learn and how did love.  Not even sure about that either.  Maybe learning is not that important but love and compassion. 

I think the biggest difference I feel in myself is when I am on the highway.  It is not so much… that is an interesting house or tree or person as much as color passing my eyes or shapes.  I feel I am using interesting, pretty, bad, good a little less.  Sometimes I feel the scooter going by is just a streak of blue or brown….with flipflops… .with hair out the helmet…. With no helmet.

When I take a picture… why that picture…why that way – landscape/picture  - sometimes I see more the shape or texture or color and sometimes all of it… 

I find that I am less likely to spend time rehearsing a conversation that I might have with someone or replaying words that were said and that I think I remember.   What is done is done – said or unsaid   --- this is where it is now.  When I meditate there is much less chatter or self-criticism

This was a hard step for me.  Probably related to my early feelings of abandonment.   I have had several people in my life who are now not in it and have moved away from my space and energy and have really no contact.  There was not a bang… there was not even a whisper. .they were just gone from my life.  I have spent hours in thought trying to think of what I said or did or whatever.   Poof.    Letting it go has been the hardest.  I miss them or what I fantasize we would have if they were still in my life.  But more than that, the lack of explanation is the hardest.  Accepting that is just the way it is … they made a decision that dropping me was good for them.  Hard for ego to hear but good for bonny when working with heart and mind and putting ego in another space.

It is not easy for me to “drop” people from my life and harder yet when they live in my space and I see them often.  It will be interesting when I go home if I can still walk and not see people but shapes and colors.

*Food for the Heart: a collection of teachings of Ajahn Chah – Ajahn Chah

Mindfulness, Bliss, and Beyond: A meditators Handbook-  Ajahn Brahm

Why Buddhism is True: The science and philosophy of enlightenment – Robert Wright

Routine

I have a very strong appreciation for living in the now and be present, but I also know my environment can get very cluttered and stacked with “stuff” if I don’t have a routine.  My aversion to habits, like washing your face and brushing your teeth have often resulted in being in bed and thinking… oh… I should get up and ….    The only driven now appears to be toilet issues.  They are now and as needed but the rest…. Often lost.

One of my targets for this trip was to have a regular practice, be organized, and drop some weight.  I have some general patterns which have helped me – acupuncture twice a week, Phat for two hours on Thursday, and a rotating diet with intermitted fasting.   I now have added a day away from the matting crowd – or home alone.

Never going to get lots of time to do just what you want, but you can work out a schedule for “me-time”. 

My calendar says 21 days.  The is the number of days for a full retreat.  The number of days to establish a habit.  So today is D-day to put some of the rest of the routine in place.

Some of the habits I had on my list – 1) stay out of everyone else’s life.  It they want something and ask.. do it.. if now, just let them know you are available but stay put.  I might have to buy some super glue for that one.   I have a book of notes about trying to be helpful that has only worked out as putting distance between myself and someone in my life.    Like family, which I have virtually no family, I am getting down to close to no friends.

Riding the scooter has helped me with my awareness and mindful living.   I feel like my head is on a swivel at rush hour trying to keep track of all the other drivers in my immediate Now place.   Where did he come from has been my common thought?   And where did various elements of my Now life come from… or I did not see that coming.  Most of the time I find it was available for me to see but I opted to look in another Now direction.

What has started to develop is my awake and aware sense as I practice meditation.   I know there are people in the area, but they are like vapor. there but not there.

I have many more things I would like to do before I leave this home…..but It will be what it is and I will be ok to come stateside and will put more energy into making that my home away from this home.

Rescue

A friend recently did a dog rescue and it reminded me of this story in my life.......

I am not sure if this should be called you have to cut your losses... or you can't put a square peg...etc.

     When I was a young social worker I worked in Child and Family area and after a very short time ended up working with older children and many living in the farm area of Erie County.  When you are trying to find a home, you have the ticking clock of trying to move someone into a home quickly and trying to find the right home.   I often listened to the experienced long-term workers tell about their experiences and one who had the philosophy of just put the kid in the home, don't tell the new parent all of the issues and then don’t answer the phone for a few weeks. The plan was by that time, it will all work out.  Teenagers, like a mature dog, are tough and they come with baggage and there are very very few families who can just take in another one and make it work.   Even two-year-olds are not easy to place but 13-15 adolescents… if it is easy, something is wrong.

     I remember one young boy who lived on a farm out in Lawton’s area of farmland.   He had been at this home for a few years and had made a very good adjustment.  The family had gotten him into 4H and he had a calf that he had successfully shown at the fair.   Life changed.  The foster father became very ill and the family was selling the farm and moving to another area.   Now I was faced with finding a new family.  I was lucky that I had some lead time.  The boy did not do well in school – labeled a slow learner and he did his chores slowly.   He had parents someplace and he often showed be a photo machine pictured of his father and another of his mother but had had no contact for years.  

I went to neighbors and people the family knew but no one really wanted the boy except an older couple who lived in town.  My supervisor and others in the office said… make it happen.   I looked at the boy and we were about to take his only known “parents” away… all he had was his calf.    I was a new worker, just out of college but this did not feel ok. One eccentric worker in the office supported me by not saying do it.

     I went to the 4h leader and then to every family in 4h and finally found a family who lived about a mile away who would give the boy a try.  I had a very serious talk with the boy about living with the family.  It was a smaller farm, but they had a shed for the calf and would have a plan as it grew.   There 4hr was off to AG college and they had a small extra room…    I had to get them special certified for a home for this boy only… but I worked extra hard and fast and walked all the paperwork around to everyone who had to stamp off on it.

     The first family had sold everything at the farm so they did not have a truck to move the boy…    I had a Peugeot sedan… and no friends with calf moving equipment.. the farm was going in days…    So, I got blankets and opened the trunk and the boy sat in the trunk with his legs hanging out.  Next to him were two grocery bags with all he owned including the pictures of Mom and Dad and his 4h award… and behind the car tied with a rope was the calf… and we rolled down the highway for a mile or so.  There was nothing in all of that that was agency policy and my supervisor just said, I am not going to ask how you did this.   It was a good placement.. at least as far as I know the boy stayed there a long time and the family put a lot of effort into helping him learn and stay in school.   I was transferred to another unit and my cases stayed.   

     The easy thing would have been to just put the boy in a good home but that would not have been good for him.  Finding the right match is not simple.   May foster placement workers don’t tell the new family everything they know.. like he is a bed wetter, prone to violence etc.. and hope it works out.   You are never going to match the needs of every child…but you do a diagnostic diagnosis and pick the key things that are essential and do the best you can to match those… or help with the adjustment.

listen with selective hearing

I might need more than 25 days to get so what others say and do has no effect on my mind and heart.

 I use to marvel at how my mother could just listen to folks babble on about stuff I know she had a very different opinion about and while she never said ..you are a 100% right, she didn’t say they were wrong.  Everyone liked my Mom.  I, of course, I thought she was a chameleon and could just blend in, so she did not rock any boat.

 Now the primary focus of my practice and dharma work is to have a clear head and heart and not react to what is said to me to me or about me.  In looking back, maybe my mom had a better Buddhist practice than I thought.  There is a slight difference, in my efforts, the direction I am going is to be clear about who I am and what I believe.  If something is said or I read something, is it my truth or if it is not, to look at it neutrally and take what is given that can fit my path and just leave the rest. I believe the woman with the smile comment was a significant turning point for me.   I have found in the past few weeks that I have little reaction to what is said about me.  It wasn’t the comment as much as her invasion of my calm, relaxing meal.  I have come to accept and enjoy solitude.   I know I am ready for the 21days of silence and some of which will be in a small room with just water.

The other lesson learned was the pain I cause myself with expectation.  I have dropped much of my expectations and feel myself moving farther away from a need to belong or want to be connected to people with whom I feel little connection.  Every time I ride by myself, I think … this person or that would enjoy the experience, the view, etc. it would be nice to share.   So when I thought I was going to have that experience, I pushed myself into the future, and when I learned that I was not going to have the experience, I forced myself into the pain of disappointment.   I know better, and at least 100 times I had said, no expectation, no disappointment.   We cause ourselves to suffer.

I am off to a brunch.   I enjoy some of the people there, but I enjoy the meal.  A great brunch with to order omelets, waffles etc. but best of all good western coffee… and I am sure to get my share and some.  See.. there I go with an expectation. 

Back on the horse

As someone said everything happens for a reason….(probably everyone’s mother….oops just looked it up and would never have guessed

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies, so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

― Marilyn Monroe

So yesterday I had a little dip, and I felt like I lost my way.  It happens but what happened was the best part.  After I got over thinking of everything I would have done differently during the past several weeks, including the 21-day retreat, I got excited about all the things that I will do in the next weeks - 27 days.

More importantly, as soon as I stepped back into awareness and being in the now, I could feel that my disappointment was over, and I was very present.   Had a chat with brother Henry this morning and was reminded of some of the process of growth that involves peeling the onion. Another lesson might be you get a layer of skin off when you least expect it.  My meditation time today was very calm and focused. People came into the Wat and left, and I was just in the zone.  I gave myself a day off from most things and took some good introspection time for myself.   Today, I got some things checked off the to-do list and in 24 hrs. I am in a good space.

Thanks for kind words, suggestions, opinions.  What I learned from all of that was, you just have to put one foot in front of the other where you are, and you will get to the end of the path.  Just like all the concern shown me, I have to walk my path and seek what I need.  The best anyone can do or say is, I’ll walk a little with you if you want.  

When I was walking the marathon, most of the time, I was just there by myself.  Not a lot of short people walk and keeping your pace is vital.   An old man, funny my age now -78, was running and then walking.  He came up next me and said, want some company, I walk for a mile then run again.  In 5280 feet we came to appreciate each others path and the moments we walked together.  Sometimes that is all it takes.  I was feeling alone and then responses and someone was reading my scribble.   

So.. happy valentine bonny and anyone else reading…   one foot in front of the other.

human

     The first time I went around the mountain, I went by myself.  It is 100K to do the entire trip.  It has hairpin turns and switchbacks, but it also has vista and rest stops that are breathtaking.   A photographers dream.  I have done the mountain every year since and every year I sit at one of the rests and say, wow... wouldn't John or Joe really enjoy this trip. 
     In the spring, Joe said he was going to Vietnam and then come to Thailand with Cheryl.  He followed that by saying he would get a bike.   Now he wants a 250 and I have a 155 and think it is too big.   I have asked my "men friends" and they say.. 155 or less.   I have told Joe that I could ot support his rental of a big bike.  It is too big for the mountain and much too big for the street.
     I had an ok time in Vietnam, but have had much better in Thailand.  I don't think I would want to go again.
    So when I went on retreat, I opted not to do the 21 days because Joe would be coming and we would be riding.   The days drop off the calendar.
     There is heavy smog in Sapa and the visibility is about 10 feet.. they are in Sapa and there is nothing to do.  Somewhere along the line... Joe eats something that starts to eat him.   The eruption to his system leaves him longing for the western toilet, his bed, a burger, and normal food.
     Being Joe, he lets me know that he is thinking of not coming to Thailand.   
     Ok....why do we suffer.   We have expectations.   I have expectations.. five years worth..    He is thinking about going home.. He will be ok once his stomach is settled...  He is exploring airlines. He things if he can get to Thailand, he will be ok... boom..   the other shoe
     He will be going home from Hanoi to Tokyo to Chicago to home.   Boom.
     We cause ourselves to suffer..    I feel the pain of the loss of the expectation of riding and stopping for a beer.. and laughing at the adventure with my friend.    ouch.

ps.   I took joearena14@gmail.com, off the distribution.. so he will not get this post.   

Phone booth fasting

I have been fasting once a week for a few weeks, and it appears to help me have a glass of wine and/or beer without adding kilos. This week when I encountered smile lady, I decided to also fast from a negative situation, people, etc.   While I am not as much of an addict to internet and email as some, I am still more connected than I feel is in my best interest.   I have a pretty good idea of my IQ, but in reviewing my habits, I have concluded that I am not as smart as my smartphone.   

The seduction can start with a simple ping or blinking green light (which in another life said…..you’ve got mail).   I sit at dinner sometimes wishing to be dining with someone, and then look around at tables full of 2 – 3 – 4 people all with their heads down staring at a screen.   I am an with more people than most of the people in the room.  I am paying attention to what I am thinking, eating, giving my gaze to, etc.

Since I only get a phone pink from a very few people who also have phones, most of the time, it is AIS trying to promote a data package or something else I can’t read about in Thai.    The most annoying thing is when I slip into a place that I have an internet connection, such as  Blue Diamond, Pern, Mexican place, Nice Kitchen, Pub, etc.   and the screen lights up with CNN…government is shutting down, someone beat his wife, the Norwegian’s are beating the Canadian’s in curling pairs… etc.. and then at least 2-3-4 DJ did this, or his wife did that of tweedled dee and dumber – his children said this. 

  

So after careful thought, Monday will be a total fast day.  Food is easy…but communication, internet, etc. will also be on the no consume list.  I recently read that a healthy relationship with your devices is all about taking ownership of your time and making an investment in your life.   With the stock and bond market tanking… probably a good idea.

In addition to the Monday fast, I am bringing back the “phone booth.”   What this means is I will only look at or answer the phone if I am in a “booth”.   There are no booths on a walk, in a restaurant, a Wat and they don’t hold two…so in the company of others.

On Monday, I will just have to watch my breath and listen to my heart

Smile - photo - Me

The other day at breakfast, I was eating by myself at the Blue Diamond, and a woman in her late 50’s early 60’s came into the second dining area and stood in front of me.   I was eating and thinking about my day.  I noticed her because she wore her hair in what I would call 1940’s style. 

Twirled around in a circle on the front and side of her head.   I can’t say I have seen that style outside the movies.  I was just finishing my meal, and she called back to others in another room and said “there is a table for four in the garden.  We can eat here”.  The wait staff cleared the table, and in a few minutes two men and another woman came into the area and sat at the table.  I got the sense that she thought whoever picked the table had made an error by not selecting the one in the garden.  In fact, three men, who were geeks and were playing video games just left.  I noted that two of them had extremely skinned left knees, and I suspected they overestimated their motorbike skills.  

 In a few minutes, the party moved into the garden area, and three of them sat down.  I was slightly lost in thought and was trying to think if I should do this or that or go there or there etc. when the woman with the hair moved toward my table and as she got next to me said in a louder than stage whisper…. “smile it is good for you.”    Pause.    To be honest, I didn’t know what to do, or think, or act.  

To regress.  When I was 18-20, I had an episode of Bell’s Palsy.  I try to smile most of the time, but when I am just sitting and relaxing by myself, it is noticeable.  My mouth goes down on the left side of my face.   When I was working in Buffalo, I would often be at the desk working on vouchers, and other tedious tasks and co-workers would come and say .. why are you so mad.   

This woman does not know me, my story, my concerns, my ups, and downs, etc. and yet, she felt it was her responsibility to make her life better by having me sit there like a Cheshire cat. I was not doing anything but relaxing, chewing my food, and thinking about my day at my table by myself.  I was stunned.  All of my Buddha meditation, mindful resolve was out the window…  I could feel the steam come up from my toes, past my weak knees, my gut, my chest, and pour like lava out my ears.   I was ready for battle.   Who the hell is she .. etc.?

Well I would like to say, I let it go… (back to the cushion), but I paid my bill and she was looking at the toothpaste.   I walked over and said, “thanks for speaking to me about my smile” … “you reminded me to stay out of others business, particularly when I don’t know them or their story and they are not affecting my life”.  I didn’t feel any better.   She laughed and I left and here it is days later and I am still trying to put it into context.

Yesterday, I went to the folk-dance show and took a lot of pictures which I posted on Facebook.  I often do composites of several cropped pictures since I want to get a sequence or collection together.  The person who was with me at the show without a camera said she doesn’t like the composites and wants to see the whole picture.  She also wanted me to change my posting so she could have access to  my pictures.   NOOOOOOOOO   My camera   My pictures.   My way… don’t look if you don’t want to and buy a camera so you can take your own pictures.

I see the two events very similar…  I am just being me… but others think that I should be someone else or different, so their life is they way they want it to be…. I am an ornament in their horizon.

I also see the way I reacted.  I felt they were taking over my way.  By reacting like I did, I gave them more power than they deserved.   

So… I will regroup and practice my no response response.  The funny thing is that I see myself as one of the most smiling people in CM.  I nod my head and smile to everyone on my street, to the scooters next to me, to all the people who provide me service.   I hug many and over tip.. etc..   I slipped into defensive rather than just taking the information in and saying ….. so..   

Know what is best - reflections

     I met a person in CM that has the same name as one of my sibling/cousins.  She even looks like my cousin and has many of the attributes that I remember when I was younger.  I am not sure if it was the history of the family having little extra when they were young or what but many of the crew, particularly my father, had a great desire to see that you are getting more than you need or should have to eat. 

     My father was famous for making enough pancakes for 40 and then standing with a flipper full and saying, help me out or these or they will have to just go to the cat – pooky. That was followed by “why not” and my response was greeted with “don’t be like that”.  When I was 15 and struggling to keep my weight off, this was very difficult. Since I could not leave the table, I would start to get very angry inside and eventually, take the stack, pour a half container of syrup and end by saying … “satisfied” to which my mother would add, “don’t be that way”.

     What brought this to mind was my recent visit to the new friend who wanted to order dinner etc. and I had a flashback to my cousin and my visits to the house after I started working, in my 20’s.   A visit always started with “what can I get you to eat” with my response “I just ate at home but stopped over to see what was happening with you”.  The visit ended with me eating a big piece of blueberry pie with ice cream.  I never liked desert and hated ice cream until I was in my 40’s.

     The family saw me as a hostile angry person who was obstinate. And I probably was since I was clutching my identity which did not match the family profile.  They were Republican – I was a Democrat from 5^th grade on, Catholic and I was reading Robert Merton during the service, don’t get involved and I was marching, etc.   But the food thing that was a big issue and remained so until there was no more family.  I would try to stand my ground but would eventually just do whatever to stop the barrage or leave.  It was never smooth and never respectful that I knew what was good for me and my body. 

     Knowing what you need is not an easy task.  I am spending time in reflection and mindfulness and as my meditation practice is expanding, I am getting a better handle on how to take care of me and know what is true for me. I know this will mean leaving some people out of my life and adding some new experiences.  In examining my speech, I am trying to shift to “what has worked for me” rather than “you should” or “that would be good for you” etc.   Respecting each other’s path but respecting your own path and needs is tricky but possible. My truth is not yours and yours is not mine.  We each have to come to our own place.

    I think today if I were to visit my cousin, I would go without eating and expect the pie… but please hold the ice cream.   I knew what she was going to do since she was very predictable and I know what would please her… so.. win win. 

Just another way of saying.... when the waters of your life are rough.... sit quiet in your canoe

Try to be mindful and let things take their natural course.  

Then your mind will become still in any surroundings, like a clear forest pool.

 All kinds of wonderful, rare animals will come to drink at the pool, 

and you will clearly see the nature of all things. 

You will see many strange and wonderful things come and go,

 but you will be still. 

This is the happiness of the Buddha.

AJAHN CHAH

Missing Bike

I have been home from retreat for a week and a day…or was that a year and month.   Trying to stop the old life way to get a grip on what feels like a good groove for me.  I would return tomorrow if it were not for commitments made.  Some are important and some I just choose to do.  I have a new book.  Food for the Heart – Ajahn Chah which is giving me a feeling of support for my practice.  

I can feel a difference in the way I approach my day to day.   

I went to a new restaurant on a back soi the other morning.  I was very relaxed since I had locked my camera in the helmet compartment.  I took my time eating and when I walked out, the bike was not where I had parked.  There were several bikes that had been there when I parked, and I checked all the license plates… easy…. mine is 1111 and no bike and no 1111.  I walked back into the restaurant and said to the first person I saw, someone has taken my bike.   He shrugged and said I saw nothing.  I went back out and checked on both sides of the place…no 1111.  My first thought, my camera... and well I have wanted a new one…   and my second thought... mmm it is not my experience that the bike would be taken.   Mr. Jaguar always says chain it up, but I have not gotten the chain out of the compartment except when I left the bike for five days last year.   Ok…. let’s take a good deep breath and look beyond the expected.   I did not feel my heart racing or any sense of dread… what is the worst thing… I buy a bike and a camera.  

What is the best thing… for some reason, the bike was moved.   

There was a large Hallux black truck parked sort of behind when my bike was left…   I walked to the end of the truck…and what to my wondering eyes did appear…. A red scooter with 1111.   I gave a sigh… got on and continued my day.  

I could not go back in time and park the bike where I could watch it nor would I have locked it up.  For some reason, someone needed to move it to do something.  The bike was in the way… now it was not in the way.  I didn’t think who did this to me.  I didn’t think.. why did I do this to me…    I just thought.. something required a change while I was eating.. nothing to do.. nothing to say… Same Same place… just different.