guest writer

 I am giving my blog an unusual gift… No scribble from my think tank and illiterate hands…but a gift of genius.   Here are some words from someone who has dropped the great American dream to trade up from money to meaning… and who knows that by putting the focus on optimizing our creative routine and maximizing our productivity we give up truly being present to the beauty and mystery of life. 

From The Writing Life by Annie Dillard 

 * Annie Dillard has written eleven books, including the memoir of her parents, An American Childhood; the Northwest pioneer epic The Living; and the nonfiction narrative Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. A gregarious recluse, she is a member of the American Academy of Arts and Letters.

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. A schedule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days. It is a scaffolding on which a worker can stand and labor with both hands at sections of time. A schedule is a mock-up of reason and order—willed, faked, and so brought into being; it is a peace and a haven set into the wreck of time; it is a lifeboat on which you find yourself, decades later, still living. Each day is the same, so you remember the series afterward as a blurred and powerful pattern.

The difference between daily routine and daily ritual

The most appealing daily schedule I know is that of a turn-of-the-century Danish aristocrat. He got up at four and set out on foot to hunt black grouse, wood grouse, woodcock, and snipe. At eleven he met his friends, who had also been out hunting alone all morning. They converged “at one of these babbling brooks,” he wrote. He outlined the rest of his schedule. “Take a quick dip, relax with a schnapps and a sandwich, stretch out, have a smoke, take a nap or just rest, and then sit around and chat until three. Then I hunt some more until sundown, bathe again, put on white tie and tails to keep up appearances, eat a huge dinner, smoke a cigar and sleep like a log until the sun comes up again to redden the eastern sky. This is living…. Could it be more perfect?”

(space to reflect)

Wallace Stevens in his forties, living in Hartford, Connecticut, hewed to a productive routine. He rose at six, read for two hours, and walked another hour—three miles—to work. He dictated poems to his secretary. He ate no lunch; at noon he walked for another hour, often to an art gallery. He walked home from work—another hour. After dinner he retired to his study; he went to bed at nine. On Sundays, he walked in the park. I don’t know what he did on Saturdays. Perhaps he exchanged a few words with his wife, who posed for the Liberty dime. (One would rather read these people, or lead their lives, than be their wives. When the Danish aristocrat Wilhelm Dinesen shot birds all day, drank schnapps, napped, and dressed for dinner, he and his wife had three children under three. The middle one was Karen.)

(space to reflect)

Jack London claimed to write twenty hours a day. Before he undertook to write, he obtained the University of California course list and all the syllabi; he spent a year reading the textbooks in philosophy and literature. In subsequent years, once he had a book of his own under way, he set his alarm to wake him after four hours’ sleep. Often he slept through the alarm, so, by his own account, he rigged it to drop a weight on his head. I cannot say I believe this, though a novel like The Sea-Wolf is strong evidence that some sort of weight fell on his head with some sort of frequency — but you wouldn’t think a man would claim credit for it. London maintained that every writer needed a technique, experience, and a philosophical position.

(space to ponder)

There is no shortage of good days.

It is good lives that are hard to come by.

A life of good days lived in the senses is not enough. The life of sensation is the life of greed; it requires more and more.

The life of the spirit requires less and less; time is ample and its passage sweet.

Who would call a day spent reading a good day? But a life spent reading — that is a good life.

A day that closely resembles every other day of the past ten or twenty years does not suggest itself as a good one. But who would not call Pasteur’s life a good one, or Thomas Mann’s?

(end of Dillard...start of Mayer)

As so I am off for another good day

… followed by another.

preceded by another…

My constant friend

The first time I came to Thailand for a long stay, I was surprised at who kept in contact with me and who I never heard from.   In the first years, I internalized it, and my child came out and was hurt and angry.   In my youth, when my parents would come for an intense weekend and then be gone when I awoke, I had a very great sense of abandonment.   Maybe it was then that I discovered suffering and impermanence.

For a long time, I used the phrase, a friend is the first person who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.  It is a good saying still.   I think a good phase for people in others lives..... No money no honey.   When your up and on your feet... lots of people walk with you. But when you stumble... only a very few stop and fewer yet wait for you to get up.

All of my experience of abandonment and lack of connection also put me on this path of befriending myself.  My only task in life is to know myself.  Everything else, job, possessions, people, pets are just part of the scenery that help me know.   You can’t know anything without observation and really taking a good look.   

The more I accept myself and others, the more I realize that it is not too easy to know anything without take some good time to do so.

So self… today you will be a true friend to you

I will give what is difficult to give – (honest observation, time, true caring…)

I will patiently endure what is difficult to endure – ( mis-steps, restarts, shifts in attention,….)

I will do what is difficult to do …(take an true look at where I am in life, who walks with me, my path)

I will not abandon when there is misfortune or I am not at my easiest to walk with

Let go………………………..friend…… You are awaiting the day

Metta

May you be safe

May you be strong

May you be content

May you be at ease.

Every once in a while, someone whom we think has it all, decides to end their life.  It is such a reminder that we fantasize that we are so different.  Only I have pain, or feel slighted, or feel someone says something that jangles me, or can’t keep my mind in the presence.   I have made many decisions based on assumptions and quick decision without getting the whole story or complete information.  

When I realize that something someone said in a second without thinking has affected me, I think about the thousands of seconds that I have said something without clear thought of how it is being heard.   If you are reading this, you know I have a cognitive problem and often leave out thoughts or words because my hands cannot keep up with my thinking.   Like my heart that beats many extra beats, my thinking is far ahead of my speaking and much farther ahead of my typing.

I am not a trance or blissful mind meditator.  I am an observer.   I watch where my “monkey takes me”.  When I first started observing, I found that the monkey was pretty boring and hardly worth following.   We went to the same or similarly stuck spot(s)… Why didn’t I do, say, hear… etc.?  Why didn’t they do, say, hear.., etc.?   For a little while, I kept a scratch pad handy to scribble without opening my eyes… where monkey took me and what I thought about the fantasy we were sharing.  Over a month, the trip was a variation on a theme.

To take a tangent.   I recently read an article about the collection of messages that were left by those involved in 911… in the Trade Center or on the planes.   Folks turned on the phone or borrowed another’s as they knew their doomed fate and said…    “I love you, take care of ….. , be happy/well.”   No one spent seconds saying, “I never liked your mother”, “Why did you say that…”.  

Today in my sitting, there is less monkey time and more the self-observer of NOW.   I believe in my heart that if we have the Buddha/God/Christ/, etc., we can be kinder, wiser, and get to the main issues.

1) I am only responsible for my actions, thoughts, feelings.

2) I cannot change the past or people…. Move on

 3) I waste my time in fantasy about the future …stay here and now.

To all in my life, all passing by and on, all casually near, all yet to enter……

May you be safe

May you be strong

May you be content

May you be at ease.

The child is home... Christmas 2015

Thinking….I could do this.. I could do that.. then I drop the thinking and just

TRUST

I can see thinking for when I am thinking.. I frow, I don’t listen, I keep running scripts, movies, sorting out what I should and shouldn’t do… then

TRUST

Coming home to myself

Yet at the gate....

Thou shall  - you ought to, you should,

You start off to kill your dragon…. Study, emotional healing, spiritual…

and all you have to do is drop it all and come home to your child

TRUST

The child 

        Spontaneous, 

                      free, 

                            connected to something bigger than self.

HOME

meditating

When I say that I meditate the usual response is, “ I tried that and it doesn’t work for me.  My mind is just too active.  I can’t settle down to do it”.   Even Buddha had to sit under the tree for months before he got it, so who am I or you to get it.   

 Do you ever watch how much you fidget?  Even in our sleeping time we move and jerk and shift.   Of course the mind wanders.  It is like a hungry ghost that must be entertained or fed.   So Just sit…. 

And when it wanders.. say.. thinking thinking thinking.. and the next time you try, it goes away less.  

The real question is not that it goes… but where does it go…  

It is a rare mind that wanders into the present.  My mind goes back and says why did you do that or say that… what did it get you.  I want to take it back and say it differently.   So you make it a learning and say, what can I do differently?   Now, I am trying to say, let what I am about to say to another be helpful and useful or say nothing.  I am spending more and more time alone until I can get this to be how I speak.

It is a great mind that wanders into the present.   My mind goes forward and says what should I do, how will I do it, what will come to me about things that I have created in my mind.  What a waste of time.  How many things that we worry about ever happen?   I was sure I would drown if I got into water and here I am … taking a breath and kicking forward.

The more I sit, the more I stay present and the faster I catch a thought going back and forward.

Now,  the more it is … the dog that is barking NOW, the motor that is roaring NOW, the floor that is cold NOW.

NOW is what is real… oops that NOW just passed.     

Being nice

Being “nice” is a form of lying.

When I feel unhappy, disappointed, or need to express my needs but hold back and don’t say anything, it ultimately becomes a form of lying. 

The mouth says yes and the heart says no. 

    when I keep my mouth shut when I feel disappointed,

    when I don’t hold people accountable for things they agreed to do

I stuff my feeling and I am unauthentic.

When I’m not honest, I create a war within myself and conflict around me. What I often do is take the “nice” way.  I don’t say anything, put on a fake smile, mumble under my breath, do the work myself, and become a “hero” in my mind – all the while, harbor resentment and have thoughts of “murder”.

My other approach is rather than tell the truth I let the pot boil inside until I leak out some noxious gas or I explode. Then I’m not so nice.

I have a few situations on my plate that require an honest look. At this time, I am working hard to make things correct, even if they are not and I am ending up being unhappy and frustrated.  Without an honest chat about my feelings, the other person doesn’t get that chance to display their best self. So, this will be a test can and I will work on being more authentic and give people the opportunity to show up, reveal their best assets, or deal with the consequences of not being right for the job.

I also have come to realize; I am not good with non-authentic people. So I will hold to my integrity and be truthful with others and with myself so that I communicate authentically. That way my heart and my mouth will be saying the same thing.

Wow…. self-change is incredibly challenging. 

. 

Happy is not being unhappy

Who promised that you would be happy.  How many times have you heard, don’t look so unhappy as if it were a benchmark goal!   

I listened to a tape last night from a Buddhist on Addition.  I was a food addict.  Food meant companionship, conversation, community.  You have a better chance getting someone to spend time with you if you suggest a meal.   If you just say, let’s spend time talking, take away and talk, you are less likely to get a positive response.   However, if you said, “I know an excellent restaurant… and it is my treat… “ good chance you have a taker. For me, the restaurant usually did not provide the food I needed so I ate the wrong things or over ate.  If I added a few glasses of wine, I was happy, we had a great time, but then trying to put together why, I could not get a handle on what made me happy about the occurrence and often was numb with food or alcohol.

I am in Thailand now, and it is hard for me not to remember the first trip and the hours of laughter that I experienced with the four people in the cabins near mine.  Every night we got together and shared a few beers, swiped stores, and laughed at everything.  “we thought those days would never end”.  Well, they did and the void was very hard to accept or believe.

I am very lucky to enjoy my own company and I can honestly say that 90% of the time I am not unhappy. 

So, I have put together a few thoughts to keep me in that state and if lucky, once in awhile find some happiness.

Many of the Bonny rules of the road have a foot in 12 step or Buddhist principles.

1.            1.Put aside things I have no ability to impact. -  while this is not easy, and Lord               knows I have tried to push many a rock up a hill, I am getting better at knowing what my                   stuff is and what I have just to accept as the way it is at this time.

          2.  See the past as valuable training and nothing more. – It is very easy to fall into the rabbit hole of blaming those that raised me, my genes, or my mistakes.  There is Karma but not necessarily manifest in this lifetime.   Even if I did a great stupid thing and pissed off half the world, - I can’t take it back but only learn the lesson presented and move on.  I have come to be grateful for my mistakes for they have created the greatest learning opportunities.

    3. Never allow yourself to whine. (Or complain. Or criticize.) – This is a hard one, but they all are.  I am particularly good at the poor me whine. I don’t appreciate others who whine and it definitely is a sign of immobility.

So for today, I happy that I am not a stuck whining person who is unhappy.   My motto uses to be “it is all good”… now maybe it is “get over it and get on with life”…. You are “happy.”

A small step toward being a big girl

“I am the taste of pure water and the radiance of the sun and moon.  I am the sacred word and the sound heard in the air and the courage of human beings.  I am the sweet fragrance in the earth and the radiance of fire.”   Bhagavad Gita

It is the end of the day. My usual pattern is to write in the morning but today I spent time learning about writing and publishing and creating a mind map for my life and my writing.  After my QiKong class, I felt some energy.  I am still trying to sort out what it is.  This week we worked on the Liver and the negative quality is jealousy and anger.  Earlier in the week, a classmate whom I have known for three years announced that it was his birthday and he was having a party.   I found today that most in the class have been given the details and when I asked where he lived, he said he would bring the information on Monday.  The party is Sunday.   I had a flashback to being a kid looking in the window of a party.

I don’t really care to spend time with this group outside of class and the party man is someone that I have compassion for but even when he lived in my complex, I was not interested in coffee, etc.   He is on early disability and I think it is related to his social skills.   So why the feelings.  

It is times like this that I am reminded what an adolescent I am.  Even if it is something not wanted,  I need to be asked or included.    

When I was young, we lived in an apartment where I could not ask a friend to come and play after school.  I was dependent upon the kids asking me over, or I went to the outdoor area where the boys played ball and eventually got told to be the marker for the scrimmage line, chase the ball that went over the fence. Sometimes when there was an uneven number, I got to play.  

The girls who occasionally would ask me over to a house usually played one of three things… school, dolls, or paper dolls of Archie and Veronica.   None of these things interested me in the least.   I was a dunce at school and the girls knew I couldn’t spell so when it was my turn to answer a question, it was usually a spelling word.   I was in the “first grade” in our afterschool school for a long time.  On the occasion when it was my turn to be the teacher, I would ask a travel question which I was told was not fair since we did not learn that in school. 

 Dolls were the even worse.  I have never jumped up and down about a baby.   Give me a two-year-old who as personality and doesn’t just lay there and look cute.  Taking these fake babies for a walk or feeding them or changing the diaper. WHY?

 Paperdolls was right up there with no fun.  I did not go to kindergarten and did not cut well within the lines and who the heck cared what they were wearing.  I hardly cared what I was wearing. 

So the long and short, I was “suppose to want to play with the girls” but they played stuff that was not interesting to me.  I like being with some of the girls when we talked about something, but the after school play was painful for me.   Sometimes I brought a game and sometimes we played, but mostly it was what this one girl, Karen, wanted to do and that was that.

I liked the boy play, it was sports or building a fort or hide and seek.  It was motion.   We sat all day in school, I wanted to run.  I ran as much as I could and I loved it.   I ran for buses, I ran to school I ran in the morning to practice running, etc..  

So this morning as I sat and took in some air to reflect on my liver feelings, I became very calm and relaxed and thought about so many things on my bucket list that I want to do while I am in Asia.  

 Life felt like it was in a safe space and I got out of my own way.   

I am really not interested in spending an afternoon with these folks and I am glad I did not have to make up an excuse as to why I did not want to attend.     

Practice Live vs Hurry and Indecision

Many years ago, I was a member of one of the anonymous groups.  I stayed with it for a long time and while I can’t say I lost a ton, I gained some good perspective and a few good people in my life.

This week I have been reflecting on my Practice.  It started out looking at why I don’t put my cushion (meditation practice) on the top of my list and end with me looking at my life as practice.

We all have a bag of tricks to help us rationalize or justify our actions and inactions.  When you go to the dentist every few months, “you should floss more”.   What I honestly should say, maybe I will if I can get out of my current life habits that are keeping me from being my best Bonny, closer to my Buddhahood.

What is common to the Practice of the Pillow and Practice at Life… is you have to.   That is if you want to keep doing the same thing, finding excuses for why you are not living your life he way you know you want to, you have to start the practice.  Without practice, mindful awareness – awake and alert, we use our Pavlovian lifestyle to float aimlessly through the hours. 

Just like a sitting practice, life takes practice.  When you are awake, you stop the cycle of doing things the same way and getting the same results.   If jot down what you worry about, or are anxious about doing before you do it, etc., over time, you will find you have established a lifetime DNA – and how you do anything is how you do everything.  By practice – aware, awake, alert – you can change and become more in harmony with what is on your life plate.

I sat in the Blue Diamond Garden yesterday and only read while I waited for my food.   I allowed my ears to shift from everyday conversation to the sound of the waterfalls.  First, I took in the entire area, then the large plants and finally the flowers.   Much of Thailand has gone to artificial flower... this garden has real living flowers.   As I looked, there was a magnificent hummingbird – yellow with dark wings.  The bird stayed for my second cup of coffee.  Live happens in a very vibrant and lively manner when you are awake and alert.

When you know who your are and what you are doing etc.,   You put hurry away since you are at the right place at the right time and not distracted by the lint of life.   You see a simple course of life as to what is important and you know what path to take.  Most of the indecision come from trivial things… have the brown rice or white…. Who cares.. how important is that to the fabric of your life.  

 Make a life choice about the rice… and when it doesn’t work anymore… make another choice .. and just LIVE

a picture day

Yesterday I went up the other side of the mountain to a very old and famous Wat.  You can drive up or walk up and I elected to scoot up. The last time it was bumper to bumper.  This time the cars were flying down and often in my air space.   There are several things that make this famous

The very large Budda which can be seen for miles


and

the number of lottery numbers that are picked by shaking the sticks after making worship.   You do this by bringing white flowers which you put on a dish and then say an intention prayer and then light three incense.  

After watching the stock market descend today, this might have been a good thing to do.

The road out there is a wide highway.. this is actually the road to Hong Dong.  If you look, you might see the light number is at 41...it started at 99 so you are there for a little.   I noted the road is put down in strips.  With little scooter wheels you can tell when you move from one strip to another and you really know when you are on the white line.
It is interesting to look down on the city from this view point.

 

everyone is into a selfie...
or hats

Turn off the Remote

It is essential at the beginning of practice to acknowledge that the path is personal and intimate. It is no good to examine it from a distance as if it were someone else’s. You must walk it for yourself. Robert Aitken Roshi

Much of my adult life has been looking from afar.  I wake up every morning to the Thai man living next door coughing.  He is coughing because he is smoking.  I light the tea candle in my aroma burner and roll over.  Doesn’t he hear the coughing.  Can he not notice that he only coughs when he smokes?   What is wrong with this picture?

My two Minnesota drinking buddies put away a great deal of beer a day.  Yesterday, there was only one drinking.   What happened to Gary?  He had 17 stitches put into his head the night before because they each drank 11 bottles of 16 oz. of Leo and when Gary walked outside, he fell face first on the street without even attempting to stop his fall.   Can they not notice they are alcoholics?  What is wrong with this picture?

I am tempted to examine my life the day after.  What did I do and why did I do that and what an idiot or how good or whatever.  By relying on the review, I put off being mindful, alert and awake.  It also gives me a good excuse to beat me up or puff me up.   I like, Roshi said above, watch me from a distance.

The more I am connected to my now, the less I leave my kickstand down as I start to drive away.   If you leave the stand down and are travelling down the highway and lean to that side, you will take a very bad fall.  Not a good thing and a very bad thing will happen to you and the bike and your body.  Without the alcohol, I could also end up with stitches and then depressed which will lead to a cold and a cough.

By being present, aware and awake, I go to bed with no review, recrimination, or regret. 

At the end of the day, I may see something I missed at the time, but like the cataract surgery, with practice, the cloud lifts and I see clearer every day.

Misplaced Cushion

 “Just do something. It doesn’t have to be a lifetime commitment, just do something for the sake of the doing, for the engagement, for the involvement.” Sharon Salzberg

Since last year’s trip to Thailand, my retreat and training ground, I have kept some things going –

•           The start of the day is the identification of three MIT - Most Important Things to accomplish this day.

In general, unless there is something that is needed to be done or as yesterday, cannot be done (I travelled miles for a Debussy concert and there was none) I get the three things accomplished.

•     Commit to the three-minute rule – If I can do it in three minutes. Just do it.
• 
  
•       One personal Commitment for the day… something I want to do for myself.

This usually means something that I have thought of that I want to see or read, or more downtime, rest, be mindful etc.   Rather than put it on the back burner, it comes to today’s fire.

What has slipped away a little is my meditation time.   I end the day with a Sounds True Insights Interview and that sends me to sleep in a very positive way…  The start of the day... is the ping on the computer that something is waiting for me to read.  

What is so important that it cannot wait for 10 minutes until I am centered and feel my mind-body connection…    so I will move my own cheese and put my pillow down after my head is up.   

Central Issue of Life

What is the central issue in life?    Each person who has accepted something as truth will defend and protect that truth since if it is not true, what are we doing and what is our purpose.  Training ourselves to be objective is a dangerous process.  It means you have to remain open.  To find freedom we cannot hold something.   There is no freedom in conformity.   We long for security, but our history tells us that we will never be secure as long as we are trying to hold on to something.

Fear, however, you define it, is what we are unable to act freely. This fear is based on anxiety, ignorance and attachment.   If we are attached to outcomes, we are fearful of failure.   How many times have I thought… if only I could reach this goal, then I will be secure, safe and without fear? 

  

As soon as you get it, you become attached and fear that you will not be able to hold onto it.

Is fear real or a conditioning?   If we create anxiety about living in a small world and then we find ourselves in a big world, can we go back to the small world?  How do I feel like a minnow in a large pond?

Underneath all the anxiety and fear, we are quite healthy.  Anxiety and fear make us constrict over trifles.  However, when something happens to us, and our health or mental stability is attached, if we can only say, thank you for sending me this… what is the lesson? 

The pause helps us step back and not react.   It is no reacting that brings us to the here and now.. and we are present… and we are free.  That is freedom and that is the central issue of life. 

an encounter.... Louise Hay

Friday was Bike for the Dad ( the King) and Henry was going to do the 28K ride from the convention center to the moot and back.   He was told to be at the convention center around noon with the hopes of a start around 2-3.  I wanted to be a good place to sit so I could see Henry coming around the bend.  It is hard to imagine 19,000 bikes since I can't find one that I think fits my body well.  
 

When everyone is flying at you with yellow shirts and helmets, it is a trick to find him in the crowd.  He is the one in the center of the pic to the left of the man with the green helmet and below, the orange shoelace gives him away.  
It was a good thing he knew where to look for I did not see Nell and Harry who were close behind.      





The Blog entry is about, what happened while I was waiting for the bikers to arrive.

When I knew that it was going to be about an hour before the bikes arrived, I decided to sit on the grass and stretch out.  I had not brought something to read, but this was going to be an observation time and maybe some meditation.

I had hardly gotten settled when a woman on a bike appeared, asked if I spoke English and then dismounted and asked if I could help her with her paper she needed to write.   Why not...

    
She proceeded to tell me that she had been ill and through finding Louise Hay on the Internet she had found a Japanese way of meditation that had created a new way of life for her.  As soon as she mentioned Louise, I thought of the end of all of her tapes....This is Louise Hay... 

My "client" sat down and unpacked her computer.  Opened up her screen to open multiple screens and proceeded to whittle the group down to a few.

Her goal was to put together a flyer that would attract participants to an overnight at a village in the woods where you would sit in meditation for 2.5 hrs, have a massage or sauna, good Thai food, and learn some ancient ways.  The big thing was this was not an ordinary experience but a Japanese way of meditation that was someway connected to ancient native rituals.  At one point, she noted that had only seven minutes left to do the project and save.  I banged out some info on the Mac Book which is foreign territory to this PC person and saved and then finished on a tiny receipt from the 7/11.   She packed up, got on the bike, and rode off.

I was interested in the old computer disc that serves as a reflector at the back of the bike... and her little feel so casually relaxed as we put the add together.

Why I blog

(7:20 am) Before I began to risk putting words on paper, I knew that there is a tempo of slower thinking that comes with putting words one after the other on a paper.  I had a supervisor when I worked for the Division for Youth that said he could smell the soup in the kitchen or the pomade smoldering on the hair begin straightened in my reports.  I took up photography so I could get visual snapshots, but I still longed to try to bundle words into a similar view.  They both require framing and composition along with some focal point and either a pure black and white or a swath of color.  

Most of the opportunities for getting your subject on film or paper last only have a few minutes.  You snap the shutter, you jot a mental note and click.   In putting words on paper, I do mental research at the time of the view and get some key thoughts that I want to explore.  Occasionally, I go deeper if it is something that is personal or that I have put into an intention to explore. 

The shutter is the same.  I pull up a white sheet, set the counter to 500 and start from the top and let the words tumble.   Since Grammarly I reread and made a few changes and occasionally shift later thought to a previous location for clarity.  In general, it is free flow with a little rewrite.   The purpose is always to clarify what I saw or what I am thinking. (half way says the timer – 264 words)

When I think with my dyslectic mind, I skip important words and leave thoughts incomplete.  When I write, my thinking becomes clearer to me and there is a discipline to not just jumping to a new thought.  I can also see/read when I am getting into a low spot and need a change in view, association, or attitude.  I get stuck and when stuck I need a reminder that nothing is permanent… Switch directions or thinking that gets you back on track.

Words help me see a bigger picture as well as the minutia. I have long recognized as skills that I can see the big and little picture simultaneously … the road destination and the dirt on the path under my feet.  I believe this made me a better grant writer.  The second skill I discovered later in life, what is the capacity of a container in relation to the property to go into it.   While this is handy for selecting a dish for leftover, it also helps me quickly estimate the width of a road I need for me and my scooter and how much I can tolerate when getting a deep massage. 

I write to know myself better and to help me on my search for my Buddha.  The words on the paper make a small piece come to life for me and bring clarity by filling in the spaces.  

 It is all good.(502 words – 8:03 am)

Progress Report

A quarter of my time in Asia has past.

 I still have one foot in the connection with others here in Thailand which keeps me from floating off – QiKong, Phat, Munkala Clinic, and for December swimming.  At this time, there is sporadic contact with H&H and a social connection with the folks in the compound.  

 I still have a few things to finish relating to home projects.  However, my day is shifting around what does my heart say I want to spend time doing and with whom doing it and what does my body say it needs to maintain or support and continued wellness.

 

My learning has been exponential re my use of energy regarding my physical needs and I am gaining insight as to what enhances my emotional life.  With each encounter with people, I say “is my heart smiling at the time spent”.  This trip feels very different and I am enjoying my time without a consistent or regular people connection.  Like my food, I am beginning to have more discernment about where I feel appreciated and whom I enjoy.  After a month, what I thought I needed is not as important as what I need most, self-awareness. 

Even knowing that nothing is permanent when you have people connected to you in your life, you think that this will be the connection forever or a long time.   Sometimes I want things, people, places just to stay in place so I know I have a place to hang a hat or connect.  But there is a great deal of fantasy about some of the connections.  Putting physical distance between the home people has confirmed that the emotional connection is in reality not that close.   Like here, I have a collection of good health support.  

At this moment, It is my connection with myself that is the most important.  I had a fantasy that if I were engaged in a meaningful relationship I would get some real feedback that could support my search for my Buddha.  For most of the people around me, I don’t see that anyone really has that whether they are connected to someone or not.

I have gathered a great deal of information in the past month.  I watch a video a day about something that will enhance my physical life – eating or exercise or my spiritual life.   I am also gathering much information about relationships as I sit and watch others.  It is amazing how many “needy” people find people who want to be needed or how many totally self-absorbed people find folks that what to trail after them like puppies.  

I have confirmed how important my four legged family is to me and how much concern I have for many people who pass my life.   However, at this time, the remote connection is more for enhancement that real support.  In addition to a hug occasionally it would be nice to have “how you doing?”.   I am beginning to think that is why people go to the doctor.  “Am I ok?”…  

Tune in next month.

Wat Chedi Jed Yod ( Royal Temple).

[Note:  I have been told by Henry that my blog did not leave the computer for a few days.  I think I have resolved the problem... and have added myself to the auto send.  If I don't get it.... oh well
still not sendng... so try again]

I took a ride around town yesterday (Sunday) and ended up at an old Wat that I had not been to as yet. Wat Chedi Jed Yod ( Royal Temple).  It has seven pagodas.  In 1455, a temple was built on the present site of the monastery by the royal command of King Tilokaraj the 11th Monarch of Lanna.  It is said he had a seed of the sacred Maha Bodhi tree of India.   The Tree was planted and hard as it maybe to believe, there is a very large and revered tree in the yard. The temple was built as a replica of Gaya in Bihar India. After his death, the King was cremated and rests in the Chedi on sight.

So here are some pictures of the day     First, the dogs here looked better than they did up on the

mountain but I will say the viewer a close up since he is pretty shaggy with my sores on the body.  At least you don't see bones.  The other thing about the dogs, they appear all to be in the Now... and content with what they have.   If you put them on the bike... they stay and go... If you walk within an inch of the nose.  they stay.   You rarely hear a bark except a bitch who has been selected for a mounting.  Unfortunately, little attempt to control the population of the street dogs.

 The other element of a temple is the rooster or hens.   They look healthy but I suspect that they are dinner at some time so keeped plump. This guy was by himself and then when I came back to the area, there was a little group.

Everyone who comes has incenses, flowers and candles of various sizes and shapes.   They are lite and then left.

The older folks appear to stay on the knees longer.  The young girls often stand to worship.  What is interesting about this woman, she has let her hair not be brown #16.  The shade of everyone.

It was a very interesting temple and while many of the carvings on the side had deteriorated, they were still very charming.  I am not sure of the significance, but there were ceramic and glass asps all around.

Inside the temple was a very nice alter.  I was a little dark but very nice. Below is the Chedi of the old king of Lanna

As for the tree.   They are proping it up with sticks.  You can buy a stick and write something on the stick and then put it up under a branch.

The faces of the Buddhas were much softer.  They usually are representative of the artist.  

I don't think the artist was northern Thai.

I am the problem

Some who read that might say… I knew that all along. 

I mean this in a different way.   When living every moment just as the events come to me without proving, wanting other to KNOW my truth, but just accepting, I eliminate crisis.  It is easy to say, it is all good, but not easy to live this way.  

The more I put this into practice… what food am I calling to myself to replenish my energy, the less I eat and the more full I am of what is necessary and significant.  Not saying I do not have my gingersnap, but one is good.

The more I put this into practice…. Water is my friend….I cannot drown, I am in four feet of water.. the more the four or eight or one hundred does not matter.   I am not fighting the water, but we are working together in harmony with my breath.

The more I put this into practice… Air is my friend… I breathe with my body and the air comes in naturally and leaves without jerking… and I am relaxed.

The more I put this into practice… who I am with…who I am not with… it matters not.   I am ok… and there is no crisis…

When I fall into old habits, I have a problem and the problem is created by me… thus, I am the problem. 

When I sit in silence, I blend with the surroundings.  There are no preconceptions or ideas to cling to.

When I am silent – I am attentive, aware, alert and objective.

The drama drops and life happen.

PS to swimming

I asked myself the question... am I a driven person or a drifting person.

Regarding the swimming, I am driving myself crazy with something that I have not been able to master.   I accept my need for spelling help related to a brain wiring issue.  But swimming.  Everyone can swim.

I am a drifting person in the pool.. today I will move from the basketball to the dead man float.   I can also see that I have drifted in my life.. and have ended up on the wrong side of the bank a few times.

My next phase is by design.  I will have some spurts of effort and some relaxing float on the back times but with some effort, there will be much less panic and purpose.

Now, I think I should remove the sign that says  "take off before use".   Might be a lesson there but it is all good

The Zen of swimming

Before my 75^th birthday, I trudged to the YMCA in Penfield and took swimming lessons with my dear friend Karen.  If it were not for Karen, I wonder if I would have kept trudging.   Water and I have never been friends.  I have a long list of positive qualities about the water and only one negative, but the negative is much stronger – I could die. 

 

Last year in Thailand, I heard Fred from France who works at the massage place teaches the Zen of Swimming.  I was going to meet with him, but at the last minute, my flight took precedence over my fight.  Yesterday, I had a facial at his location and after learning I was totally dehydrated, I opted to try again. 

When I was at the YM, I did manage to go back and forth and do some lengths and the teacher was very kind to our group class (Karen and me), but my confidence level left me about a week after the last class.

My motivation for learning to swim was a) it is an unmet challenge and b) if the boat goes down in the Bangkok River, I don’t want to be found floating face down.   At the end of the Y class, I have some belief that I could make it to shore if necessary but it would not be pretty and would require more mental stroking than physical effort.

Presented to me – a three day a week class in the Zen of Swimming.  My inner voice say.. sign me up and then the rest of my team said are you nuts…. Who won?

I arrived at the Sports Complex near the McCormick Hospital at before the 5 pm class yesterday with my suit and towel.   It is a gigantic pool with rough cement sidewalk and only one ladder that accommodates my body size, short.

Before the class, I met a lovely 68yr old badminton player who was in a tournament.   Watching him in a doubles competition was fun.  While he was not all over the court, he was precise and tactical and inspired me to play again since I played some in high school. 

When the class started, the teacher Fred insisted on goggles.  I tried on several and finally came to accept one.   My classmate Dennis (who is really from Brooklyn or NJ.. but now lives in Spain) was able to demonstrate what he learned and thus I started my first Zen Swimming lesson.

You must enter the water in a playful manner and do everything slowly.   Squat down and jump up.   Hold your breath for the count of four.  Make yourself into a basketball and hold your breath.  Breath out through your nose..  put your hands out in front of the basketball and when you have expended enough air… put your feet on the bottom of the pool and stand up.   After an hour, I was quite comfortable and enjoyed being a basketball.

The most difficult part of the day was figuring which Thai sign said women’s locker – ok a room of curtains with a shelf… and it is all good.

IA

“Addiction is the relentless pull to a substance or an activity that becomes so compulsive it ultimately interferes with everyday life.”  

I don’t know who the author is, but I do know that I got it on the Internet.  I am an IA - Internet Addict. I am into my fourth week in Asia  and I have already been involved in

     A three-hour Webcast – “Why calories don’t count”,

     two daily videos on spiritual and one health-related information

     purchased two Kindle books – 

                  one how to be a better blogger and the other on using all your full brain,

     played three regular Sudoku games a day and

     can make bulletproof coffee in my sleep. 

All while sitting in a little bungalow with aircon in southwest Asia.  

I have a neighbor that gets out of his room for an hour around 11 am for breakfast, 4-8 pm for a beer break and maybe some dinner.  Twice a week he goes to a bar for dinner (know because I hear him come crashing home) and the rest of the time he is in his bungalow and could be in Minnesota if it were not for the snow.  

 I will not throw a stone even though I get two healthy meals, Qi Kong daily, acupuncture twice a week and about three messages, do at least something inspiring daily and have contact with someone other than those in our compound or sharing a Leo.  Our common thread is IA – and in our connection – Sudoku.  

I do keep a Leo in my frig for those sweltering times when I come back from a long ride in the  94-degree sun and think I must get some thirst quenching fluid into my system.  I am limiting my Leo to one at dinner and my eating plan is more under control than my time plan.  I hope to drop 10 pounds this year so that will mean a pound a week.  I can justify most of the IA related to food for I wanted to get a plan that I could live within this environment which is more of a challenge when you don’t have a kitchen. In looking over my calendar, I eat out a great deal at home also.   Life at home will change after my video education.

In conversation with the compound mates last night, I said I take no medication for anything and only B12/B complex and my Hawthorne Stem Cells when my heart starts to pound.   They all looked at me in disbelief and added, they don’t know anyone over 50 that doesn’t take many meds.   The best part of Thai TV is no one is telling you that you will feel better if you take x or you will have more sex drive with y.   

With the scooter, I don’t get enough exercise. Today at 5 pm I will join a group doing Zen Swimming.  They meet 3xs a week and I will do that for a few weeks since swimming is my Waterloo and I am determined to overcome.

Next I will find an IA group.