Who am I

Why do I even turn on the Sunday football game…… Well you are unrochestarian if you are not watching the Bills and often watching them lose.  My mother, who as totally non athletic, said “they play better when I don’t watch”.  I think I can say the same and but I often “watch” while I do Sunday things.. clean the kitchen and do the laundry.   

Years ago when I was doing “organizational change” stuff… I suggested some changes and a few folks bought into it and within three week, I made a few “tweek” suggestions and was told…this is how we always do it.  Of course I knew the always was about 2 weeks. 

In addition to nothing is permanent, I also hold that how we do anything is how we do everything.  We have a good life going and feel good about where we are going and then we take a right turn away from our essential self and start adjusting to our new way often driven by our employer or a relationship.  It is not unusual to hear someone say – I always do this when….    We drop who we are, what is essential and start putting on things that are more associated with the other or makes that relationship work easier.  Rarely  not big things like robbing banks but little things like not doing what we enjoy… I gave up skiing… or doing what we really don’t enjoy… antique shows was not my cup of tea… and soon.. what we enjoyed is lost and what someone else holds dear… becomes our always until we can’t remember what we enjoyed about do this.

I have come with a few new concepts for life….1) The key and hardest job for a parent is making the other parent look good or better.  We have a natural tendency to want to be on top or at least good in our child’s eye. 2)  You can’t move forward until you go back and find yours…. Moving on in a stranger’s likes and dislikes is only going to lead you to a place that will not satisfy your soul. 

BALANCE...easier said than done.

Last week I took a yoga class and found that I could not do even the root position for the tree position.   You are to “root” yourself in the ground… lead toward the rooted leg and then put your other foot up to your knee.  If you are really good, you can wave your hands about.  The instructor could do that.  I got my foot on my foot and did not move… Same same but different.

Today in my reading I was reminded of the five mental qualities that are strengthened by meditation.  They are the keys to living with minimum stress.  Again, they are the yin/yang of similar emotions:

1)      Steadiness and Flexibility
2)      warmth and clarity and
3)      spaciousness. 
 
In sitting you have to be steady and not waver but at the same time, you need to acknowledge the mind flow and be flexible enough to hold your position while you acknowledge  your thoughts.  I could say something about the others.. but that is a great balance act for me.   I can see the paradox.   You are playing tennis and at one time you are aware of your body and the same time.. aware of where you are on the court and what your opponent is doing.   All interesting stuff.. but back to balance.  Just the right about of rushing forward and just the right amount of sitting quietly and ah…. And …. Mmmmm

Wouldn’t it be nice if everything fit in little boxes.

My dear friend Georgette, lived in her Now with her Now dogs,,,, so her house was very Now… and she was not very Zen…so she saved magazines and envelopes and whatever ….they were stacked on tables, chairs etc.. so when the six dogs, who could run 35 miles an hour when running to the window to see what was on their lawn..or running after each other… what got knocked off the table to the floor, stayed there… what got chewed off of a chair and ended on the floor…stayed there.  When she was in the hospital, it took three people working a full three days to get one room back to finding the floor, walls, and being able to look out the window….but she subscribed to Martha Stewart…the ingenious cord organizer, everything in place person and now since I inherit it all, I get her subscriptions.  I love it …what great ideas she has…almost as realistic as Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella where the prince comes and everything is OK.  Some of the hardest lessons of life are, and if learned will help reduce suffering expeditiously,

1.      You must be your own best friend  Call or text yourself regularly to keep the relationship fresh and crisp.  Get up every morning saying… thank you for another new day… I am glad I am in this skin and I will respect us and trust that we are where we should be and will not be given anything that we cannot handle and grow from doing.

2.      Not everything fits neatly in a box.  Even things you think you have dealt with comes back up to be revisited.  The trick is not to think you are back were you were when you made the decision but to look at the issue in your now…    Something just don’t have a box and are there for you to look at and learn from.  And it is ok, whether Martha agrees or not, not to have everything in place.  It only happens where you have a staff of 100 all working to make you look good. Most lives are messy.  I will always feel some sense of abandonment for there is no way to fix that I was left at 6 weeks…but what I do with that will decide if I cause myself to suffer.

3.      I am here to end my own suffering.   To quote my morning meditation prayer…I am here to end suffering.  If ending suffering is more important than anything, I will end suffering….. I am here to pay attention to what causes me to suffer and drop that….   Right now, whatever is in our head about how we should be, could be, where we should be and could be…who we should be with or could be with…. We are suffering….go back to No 1.   You are your own best friend and be kinder to yourself than you think you should be.    

I wanted to add a picture....this was taken in Chiangmai on the streets.  There are spirit houses of every shape and size but this one was so simple and elegant...it captured my attention and reminds to Keep it Simple.   I am grateful for water.

Shifts

My life has moved several steps to the right then several steps forward and then several steps back.  At first I was getting dizzy and disoriented.  The cats had to be housed in my bedroom while the men put insulation into the roof and they started doing the two step. The bamboo got planted and the water feature designed and I moved two steps to the left.  I was moving money around as fast also and then my community project doubled at the vary moment that I was thinking it was finally coming to an end. Twice as many demands in a very short time..   I was a dervish... spining spining.   Then I just stopped and looked at my feet and realized that all I needed to to was just  change the music... I when I started to hum a different tune, my heart rate went down, I started to breathe...and I was doing life waltz knowing that it will all get done...with or without me.... and I smiled.

Return

I looked at the blog today and thought… who wrote that stuff…where were those pictures taken – who took them… such a cosmic shift in my life since my last entry.  My camera has cobwebs, my bones hurt, my energy is sporadic. I now own the farm I called everyday and no one is there and my fifty year friendship with Georgette is now in my head with my brother Chuck.  Five days after the last writing, I was at the farm getting her into the hospital and a month later, she was gone. “the time has come” she said.  What is left of the life of her and her family is scattered about my dining room in art, coins, and her treasures which I will try to honor.  I am writing this on her computer and our old eating table we bought for our first days in Rochester before we both established our own lives.  My house is now the deposit of lives… Chuck died 18 years ago this week and his “stuff” is still scattered about the about the basement and my life feels strong at the core but also scattered about in the yard under construction,  the basement with everything moved from the walls for the insulation that is coming this week, the house is disarray and those things that give me direction on a shelf…my photos, my writing, my time to observe.  I have been giving in to Cosmic Karma Conditioning and believing my own lies that I am not able, too old  or what are you doing???? and much of the time moving forward and asking more of my body than I should.   Life is really simple.  In the words of my teacher Cheri Huber “…Practice Everywhere is our Zen code for letting go of everything distressing to return to the present for one breath. “Stop, drop, and breathe” is our Zen awareness practice reminder to let go of everything that is distressing and distracting and return to the relaxation of the present moment for at least one breath. No judgments, not a contest, just stop for a second, drop what has high-jacked your attention, and be HERE/NOW for one full breath. That’s it. Easy. You can’t do it wrong—and it will change your life.. Enjoy!”