Which is it…the hole or the arm

     I am listening to Ajahn Khan – Food for the Heart.  He had a great way of putting words together that really is helpful to me for putting my one foot in front of the other.  I have been thinking of one of his questions.  When you come to a hole and you can’t reach the bottom, what do you say

– the hole is too deep?

- my arm is too short?

- Or the depth of the hole is beyond the reach of my arm.  

     All three are correct but it is a matter of perspective, responsibility and how you might resolve the problem.  The deep hole takes you our of the issue and the short arm puts the oneness on self which the third is a more objective view of the situation and helps to more reasonability resolve the dilemma – get a ladder to climb down and thus bringing you to the bottom or extend your arm with a stick etc.   In a simpler situation when I am walking in the woods and trip on a root – do I first kick the root – bad root for living in my way or do I hit my foot and say stupid foot know where you are walking or do I say.. lesson learned – there will be more roots and I need to use my vision and spatial assessment to assist in managing to have my foot and the limb trying to take the same space.

     A retreat is a time to regroup and get perspective.  While there might not be tree roots or holes in the meditation hall, there is noise, body discomfort, other people who sit in your favorite corner etc.  Upon coming back to the regular world - on the road, there are the young hotshots who come too close to your scooter space, the single person sitting at a table for four, that even though you are only one, causes you to be annoyed and want to manage their lives.  And in the past year, a political leader who could sap my energy and capture my focus to the bottom of the hole.   So   That is my new word    So… it is my reminder that nothing is permanent.  When the Titanic went down – lives were lost but new ships were built and we sailed on.  

When you ride the scooter here, you “own”about 4-6 feet directly in front of where you are going.  That is it.  As long as you are aware of what is there now, what is approaching and are prepared for anything/anyone to enter your space, you will ride with ease.   Might have to change your speed, slow down, put on the breaks, etc.   Yelling (honking) at another in a "you are in my space"  kinda way, does little.  So no one honks and you move through your life, taking care of your business and arrive at your destination safely.

A retreat is good to examine your practice with less tree roots.   I will go again and for 21 days and then come home and practice – and for today, I will not give my energy to anything or anyone that is outside my 4-6 feet

Returning

Before the sun rises in the sky, golden and silver rays must first appear.

Likewise, before the dawn of the noble path, virtue (sila) must first appear.

To refrain from all evil;

To cultivate good;

To purify the mind:

This is the teachings of all the Buddhas.

I made a choice to only stay the five days in retreat. I am boxed in by my visa and prior commitments.  I will return in the fall for 21 days. I have done retreats in the past, it many ways it was often how can I do the least and get the most.  This time was no different.  I often did not sit on the chair or walk as long or as often, but something happened to me despite myself.  

The Vipassana as taught at Chom Tong and as found in Maha Satipatthana Sutta focuses on the four foundations body (kaya), feelings (vedana), mind (citta) and mind-objects (dhamma). In summary, the practice of the foundations of mindfulness is just using mindfulness to consider and note knowing at every moment what we are doing as we are doing it, or what we are feeling or thinking. In all cases, we consider only the present moment, not even one second into the past or the future.

I know I will take nothing from life to an afterlife, but my actions, thoughts, and deeds are my responsibility. How mindful I am regarding how I use my time, how I move in the world, how I show my compassion and loving kindness to others, the earth, the smallest and the great, that is my path and responsibility. 

By staying aware of me and mine and not that of those about me in person, in authority, in my community, I am tending to my current life

There are many trees in the forest.  Some tall, short, with fruit, with hollow trunks, with bugs and beetles… they all make the forest.  To try to make them all the same, which would you pick.. the tall ones, the short ones?  Then it is not the forest just a stand of same trees.   I am responsible for me in the forest of life that has friends and foes and folks doing things that I think makes life dangerous and pleasant.   It is just a forest and I am avoiding doing my job, knowing myself and acting with compassion when I spend a nanosecond trying to change what I have cannot.  

Which flower would you change to make the flower patch perfect?

 When I enlarge the picture, there is something not "perfect" with each one. They do not know that, nor do they know they are just one of a bunch... so.. be yourself - it is perfect.

So it is Maddow or Meditate…..mmmmm

out and back clog and unclog

I made it out and back ok.   My Fitbit stopped and when I charged it had no wifi hence could not set it and had to live with adjusting the time... ugh..   17.5 minutes.slow.     Bells get you up... but if you are late for a meal.. you could be without a banana...;(. Or worse.. a small donut. 

I packed my seat from front to back.  Thought there would be less wind drag that could make the Bungie come lose and my white clothes be on the highway.   The hard part... have to sit on the front of the seat... and 60 km  (37 miles) on about 10 inches of the seat with your knees on the front of the scoot has some hardship. Most Thai... pack across ... but my mattress was 2.5 feet wide (here folded up)  and my backpack about 2 feet wide with the seat only a little more than 1 foot. You can see in the picture that there is not too much space for my body.   I did not notice any great change on the way home a kilo lighter (only took one donut, and it was small)

  

Choices..   Today for my two hr massage Phat said... what did you do to your butt.   Mmm, She suggested I put the mattress farther back, backpack on the back... and I take my place on the scooter sitting area.   Then she might have said... what did you do to your back.. etc.. Choices.

All is well.   Got needles in my stomach for clogged up elimination system.   Guess rice soup that you give dogs with runs... would have a similar effect on humans... except I was working well with no runs before I left.   

Friday morning...

Just back from Vipassana Retreat at Chom Thon, as you arrive and shed your clothes and park the scooter...You take 8 precepts and turn off the cell phone.  There is no internet except at a small coffee shop in the park area which is available after your 11 am meal and noon, which you stop eating solid food.

The focus is to prostrate sit and walk for the time assigned, going longer each day 15 20 25 and 30 min each for the walking/sitting part.  There is a 20 min break for tea or pee or walk casually...and then you start again with three breaks - 6 am & 11 am a meal and a 10-15 daily meeting with your teacher.

We each had our own room and I had a chair in mine for sitting.  There were two meditation halls in our area of the large Center.   At the other end of the center was another meditation retreat operated by Wat Chom Tong.  They were more casual but ate together.  There appeared to be about 20 of us and about 100-150 of them with nuns and monks mixed in with them.

My Fitbit had a time issue - lost 15 min when the battery got low so I used my phone for time and timer and my Fitbit for timer and alarm.  I did not need the morning alarm since the gong gong gong started at 4... when you get up and sit, cleanup and get ready for breakfast.

The most helpful pre-information was an audio by Joseph Goldstein - Mindfulness six guided practices. This practice is based on  The Four Foundations of Mindfulness which are:1. Mindfulness of the Body,   2. Mindfulness of Feelings,  3. Mindfulness of the Mind, and  4. Mindfulness of the Mind Objects.  Hannah was my teacher and that worked well for me. We met in an office near her home which she shares with her husband Mohamed and her 3yr old son.

The food was very good.. rice soup in the morning ... my favorite and a mix of food at 11.   We shared a kitchen in our house for tea coffee chocolate milk and you could store fruit in the frig for your eating hours... I bought oranges...delicious.

Took a few pictures which I will put into a post soon.   For now... it is one foot in front of the other...  b

addendum

A buddy asked if I were ok after yesterdays blog.

I am going through a shift.    I feel alive and very present.  Sort of like after the cataract surgery... the cloud of trying to control or impact anything is fading.  I can only do what I am doing at this moment.   There is no change in my love of life or the adventure of moving through the streets.  I just feel more aware of it all, and it is like taking a picture.  Click..that second is gone..the scene changes, the cloud passes, the sun moved.  Click the new picture, and still, there will be a new picture in another second. 

If anything I feel more in love with life and all the shadows of things. The things that  I can't do anything about are fading into the corners of my vision.   I watched Frankie and Grace last night and smiled at all the corners the people put them themselves into in the fiction.   I watch friends, people on the street, in my class, at a restaurant and see all the corners people put themselves into.  I can share what I see, even what I feel.  Like laying information on the street and it is up to the other person to pick it up and do something, or not. 

As I looked at my picture of living at my house....even people who felt more annoying are just part of my scenery..just there.  I can move my position and view, and they are not part of my immediate vision.  I hope that with practice, I can spend zero time trying to change anything, be annoyed at the habitual habit of some around me,  but only be at the moment and be present.  It gives a new meaning to self-absorbed. 

The cartoon of life feels funnier.  I see more lines and shadows and it is less necessary to have the sun a certain way. The sun is, my camera is, I am, you are... and it is all good.  

pre retreat

This has been a difficult time for me.  I feel like I have some clarity on the non- duality and that is in the here, and now there is wholeness.  Everything that I have ever done is part of now, and there is light in the dark and darkness in the light and lightness in the dark.  Everything – traffic, noise, clouds, my tea, the cold wind on my arms in the morning. Everything happens – nothing is good or bad. It just is.   I don’t want to explain it, and I don’t want to hear someone else explain it.  I don’t want to label, and I don’t want to put conditions on the words like good or bad, etc..   The difficult time is that I feel like I am surrounded by folks that what clarification, labels, analysis, definitions. Direction. Etc.

Why am I going away on retreat on Sunday?  So I can feel my bones what all this means to me.  I don’t want to listen to questions or explanations – there is none, everything just is.  When I am here, and now it is all perfect, just the way it should be.  What I see when I look at the sky is different than what you see.  Maybe similar but different.  There is no point in comparison, a trying to convince you to see what I see.  You couldn’t if you tried.

There is something so settling about everything being just the way it is.  I have spent years thinking I should have done more with my life.. and it all boils down to .. the ordinary life is the extraordinary now, and it is just as it should be.  There is no better or less or more or not good or good.. it is all good because it is just that.. all good.   Everything is boundless – tension, laughter, stomach cramps, etc.

Being awake is not all sunny days.. but there is a shift from being caught up in the repetitive replays of life, conversation, blame, etc. to just being present… right here. Right now and the broken record stops.  This is no if only he would.. I would… I could.                                                                                   end

Scratching your head with an itch on your butt

      That is not an original bonny but an Ajahn Brahm quote.  Sometimes a few words like that can say it all.  Every time I look outside myself for something that is not making my life wonderful; it is just like that.  If only he would or wouldn’t, or she did say or could have said. Etc.  The scratch has to come from me and how I react to whatever is coming to my view or ears.   I went to a wonderful concert last night, I stopped at a temple yesterday, I went to a beautiful store to buy my shawl. During the day, I met a few people, and when I told them I was American, someone said,  “oh you're from that shithole country like me” referring to the latest DJ babble. 

     Ok, when I read the comment in the morning, I took a step back, but it is the same type of step back I took over hundreds of things the man has said or done since he put his name in public.  He became my head scratching butt itch yesterday.  What can I do about it or him or the state of my country?  Not much.

       I can, however, do something about how much energy I give to DJ or other things beyond my control and how long it takes me to refocus on myself and to think more about what I am saying and thinking.  Am I kind?  Am I smiling as I ride past people on the street?  Do I let pass the inconsiderate rider or do I want to run him/her down?  Did I leave a tip, overpay, compliment, say thank you?  Did I do my daily I appreciate you?   Mmmmm much less itch.

     It is a little like going to the mountaintop and looking at the valley below with your hands over your eyes.  When I give whatever someone else is doing the power over my happiness, I lose my focus.

     What do I need to adjust to make my life sing to me, relieve the itch, sharpen my view?  What is needed so my life is not distracted by thing, words, people that are trying to take my energy, focus, and distracting me from me making my HERE/NOW my focus?  

     So taking my hands away from my eyes and putting my attention on my path, my HERE/NOW…. I smile and breathe in ….I smile and breath out and the itch on my butt is relieved.

PS  I went to a funeral yesterday with all the people in black, monks chanting... and flowers...I focused on the flowers

Seeking what you need

     In my professional days, I often spoke with clients about boundaries as in don’t follow the gang, think before you act, as well as getting along with others sometimes mean compromise.  One of my “resolutions” for this year is/was to be aware and awake.  I find I must ask myself often, what are you doing and why. 

     Since I am not home with my own WIFI, the intent connection requires that I go to a hotspot and put in a user and password.  It then jumps to a news service with pictures and headlines.  Immediately, my news junkie takes charge, and my addiction is fed.  I don’t have the discipline to just click it off, and I am down the rabbit hole with .. the NY Times just announced… DJ tweeted this and that….and I am off jumping from picture to picture.   It is when I am down to what Gomez wore to the red carpet that I have a moment of ….. what are you doing?  And click off the news feed.

     I am checking myself into rehab in the next weeks and will be 40 miles from my computer spending seven hours a day “breathing in”  “breathing out.”  In this meditation you say what you are going to do as in Preparing to walk, Lifting, Treading, touching stepping as you walk, etc.  You have no place to go but here and now. 

When you look at the tap or water-pot on arriving at the place where you are to take a drink, be sure to make a mental note, looking, seeing.

When you stop walking, stopping.
When you stretch out the hand, stretching.
When you touch the cup, touching.
When you take the cup, taking.
When dipping the cup into the water, dipping.
When bringing the cup to the lips, bringing.
When the cup touches the lips, touching.
When you swallow, swallowing.
When returning the cup, returning.
When withdrawing the hand, withdrawing.
When you bring down the hand, bringing.
When the hand touches the side of the body, touching.
If you intend to turn round, intending.
When you turn round, turning.
When you walk forward, walking.
On arriving at the place where you intend to stop, intending.
When you stop, stopping.

     The long and short, you take no action without announcing it.  You can not do anything casually like “what color was her dress as she walked the red carpet”  If you know me at all, you know I don’t care if she had a dress on or a bathrobe and I am not interested in buying a knock-off copy of whatever.  But there I sit reading or clicking on the next.  

     I am beginning to realize that in addition to spending years looking for my keys and glasses I have also spent twice as much time reading stuff that either is really of no interest or as in politics only serves to get me upset with no place to go with the feelings.  And, I want the other person to change what and how they are acting, talking, looking etc.so my life is great.

     So after five days of living in silence and speaking to myself before and during an action, I might begin to connect with myself and become more aware of what I am doing.   I can only regulate what I am doing and how I am reacting to what others are doing.  I can share how I am feeling, once I know what I am feeling but I can’t demand that others do the same.  One great side effect to the process, you can’t get lost arguing with yourself in your head or rehearse the scene so that it is playing out the way I would like etc.…    Let the play begin.

Seeking

    I wonder if there is ever a time when you permanently get your “head on straight.”  That was a family expression that I often heard along with scatterbrained when I left my sneakers on the bus.   Now I am more concerned with dropping the “permanently” part.  Life is a dance.  To be able to hold doing the foxtrot in a rap world must be cultivated.  Cultivated does not mean working toward a perfect me for that puts the process into expectation.   Expectation requires seeking and some goal beyond the Here/Now.   With no expectation, you are neither disappoint or elated but dancing in the Here/Now foxtrot of pay attention.

     Pay attention is more focused than awareness.  Last night I rode the streets at 8:30, I was paying attention to the traffic, as I should be.  I was less aware of the whole picture than what was in front of my scooter.  As soon as I put me here and the rest of the world there, I create a duality.  When I am aware, while I am part of the picture, I am not the focus nor is the surrounding area the focus. Labels are dropped as in good bonny bad bonny …it is just bonny on a chair at the computer in a room in a building in a city on earth in a universe, etc.

     Maybe there is  a second part of the head on straight, and that is “get out of your own way.”  I think of so many times when I thought… if only they would act in this way my world would be better or perfect.  As I start to look at life from a different view I can often see that in many situations I consciously put me on top of the heap or the star of my show rather than stepping back and viewing the scene from a less emotionally invested point of view.  The glass of water is just a glass of water – not a good glass of water or my glass of water or the answer to my thirst or hydration needs.  Water, bonny, morning  ---- all at the same Here and Now…. Without wonderful water, nice bonny and good morning.

     Two people in the same place and time require less conscious judgment and labels and more Here and Now awareness. 

Faces

When I was young, and WWII was going, and gas and the food was rationed, my father and mother had more money than most of the folks that we knew.  Because they ate out all the time, they gave their food ration coupons to my aunt and uncle who were tending me.  My father got special gas ration stamps because he traveled for a living.  We ate at the hotels or restaurants along the way.

When I was 6 and needed to start to go to school, it was just after the war and the military had priority for all the housing that was available.  It was a very tight housing market since most of the wives had been living with family and wanted to have their own place with the returning husband.  We found a large flat, but there was a cost.  They did not want children living in the flat above.  My father paid extra and convinced the Hungarian family that I was the quietest child alive and had no friends.    Hence, I could not invite a friend to come to play at my house. 

At about age 10, the Polish family that bought the house needed to have the flat for a son, so we needed to move.  It was a very bad time for my father who had started his home study accounting system for small business and farmers, and it had not taken off.   It was rather like QuickBooks with a pad and pencil.   The men that invested with him withdrew one by one as they spent their extra funds on the project and my Dad kept going until there was very little left.  However, we still needed to move.

There were two small houses being built not too far from when we lived.  Small was not the word, a kitchen, living room, two bedrooms, and bath.  The kitchen was an ok size, but my room in Thailand is about the size of the living room.  Before we moved in, my father had two rooms built on the second floor for two bedrooms.   My room was so small I could not have a full-size bed, and I opted for a trundle bed in case I had a friend over. The rooms were so close; I could hear my father snore at night.

Life never turned around for my father.  His company made many changes, his territory got smaller, and there was less business.   It was hard for him not to be the uncle with the money, so he used credit cards to keep up appearances.  And my mother, who had been a young woman at the country club, learned to make every penny count but she also never let anyone know that she counted her pennies to but something new.    I did not know what condition they were in except that the little house that was to be the temporary house was the house my father died in and my mother left at 90 post-stroke. 

It was my task to go through the house and cull out what I thought I should save and put to the curb what I could not find anyone or any use.   I am glad my Mother did not have to do that, for I am sure there were things that she saved her pennies for that were left on the curb for the trash man.

I have had some time to reflect on all of this, from riches to rags and I think it may have helped me to see the faces of the women at the market or on the street who are living hand to mouth in a little different way.

The market trade or the street vendor way is a hard way.  At any given market there are 10- 20 mustard green salespeople who are selling little bundles of picked hours ago greens gathered together with a rubber band and for sale for 5- 10 baht or .03-.16 cents…  a bunch of small bananas is 20 to 30 baht  (.60-.90).   At the Sunday market, they sell Thai scarfs for 100 baht $3.10 or the woman who worked all day to make my silver elephant piece and then sold it to me for 150 baht $4.60.  They also are pinching and counting pennies.  

Who are these people and what is the backstory?  

This woman was selling the cooked frogs and the woman in blue was trying to decide which were the best.  Many conversations was going on and finally, she bagged a few.  It is very unusual for a Thai woman to let her grey hair show.  I suspect she is using every penny for a cause outside her self.   The shot at the left is my croped shot for the collage.  You can also see her wedding ring and in the final crop, she is almost bitting her tongue with the fussy woman who was trying to get her to give her cooked frogs away.

and it is only fair that I also have the frogs.

The woman was selling little bags of ant poison... 3 packs for 5 bht....  and what I see is proud women doing what they can to make it another day. 

New Years Day reflections

     New Years Day.  Even before I thought about the concept of Now, I always wondered about why many people think about New Year as a beginning or a start over.  We start over or anew every Now and the next Now.  We make resolutions most of which don’t make it until February.

     Life happens, and our plans change, and our course is adjusted by things often far beyond our control or liking.   People leave, new people come, relationships shift from lovers or friends to companions to people sharing a house or the reverse if you watch Hallmark movies.

    

     For many years I did the Best Year Yet plan for my birthday.  That felt like a special day to reflect and think about where I would like to be on the next birthday.

I have kept my list for several years now and I am ashamed to say, like most folks I know, one year blends into the next and little has been checked off.  This was last years

food Pay attention to food consumption 

    I pay attention some of the time and gained and lost and ended up about 4 pounds heavier

walk 5000 steps – and go to the  gym

    My average walk day is 4690 so not bad and when home I get to the gym 2x a week

Practice (meditate) 10 min  for 10 day in 2 weeks

    If you add that up..100 minutes in 2 weeks..    Not bad  doing average 15 min with 50 min on Sundays when home

Listen more than talk   - I have listened a little more and have spend more time checking things out after I talked too much… but that is returning to next years list

put fun in your weekly life – Using my yellow mark for a fun item, I get some fun in several times a week. – Now my idea of fun often is having a meal in good company and not necessarily going to Disney Land.  I am going to keep that one

read - 30 minutes a day – I have no idea which alter ego put that one in.   I read articles on line, and a page in my book… but I do listen to my audiobook for 30 min before I go to sleep.

enhance swimming skills -  I am stuck on this one.  My teacher moved out of town and I just can’t get myself into the pool without his motivation.. but I did bring two suits and my googles to Thailand

.

So as I end 2017, I am going to write new resolutions for last year or as they will be called reflections

       1.       Paint the house [check]

       2.       Buy a new furnace [check]

       3.       Pay off the mortgage [check]

       4.       Pay off the car [check]

       5.       Do three retreats [check]

       6.       Get off the Preservation Board [check]

       7.       Find someone who knows what they are doing and create a little effort garden [check]

       8.       Buy a good juicer, a good steamer and a good sauna to enhance my life [check]

       9.       Identify who and what makes me happy and unhappy and reduce to eliminate the unhappy part 

                           [ok 9 out of I0 isn’t bad]

     10.   Spend more time with people, places and things that make you smile [check]

So from now on, I am going to do a New Years Reflection on the accomplishment and not resolutions that are sidestepped when life happens.