Seeking what you need

     In my professional days, I often spoke with clients about boundaries as in don’t follow the gang, think before you act, as well as getting along with others sometimes mean compromise.  One of my “resolutions” for this year is/was to be aware and awake.  I find I must ask myself often, what are you doing and why. 

     Since I am not home with my own WIFI, the intent connection requires that I go to a hotspot and put in a user and password.  It then jumps to a news service with pictures and headlines.  Immediately, my news junkie takes charge, and my addiction is fed.  I don’t have the discipline to just click it off, and I am down the rabbit hole with .. the NY Times just announced… DJ tweeted this and that….and I am off jumping from picture to picture.   It is when I am down to what Gomez wore to the red carpet that I have a moment of ….. what are you doing?  And click off the news feed.

     I am checking myself into rehab in the next weeks and will be 40 miles from my computer spending seven hours a day “breathing in”  “breathing out.”  In this meditation you say what you are going to do as in Preparing to walk, Lifting, Treading, touching stepping as you walk, etc.  You have no place to go but here and now. 

When you look at the tap or water-pot on arriving at the place where you are to take a drink, be sure to make a mental note, looking, seeing.

When you stop walking, stopping.
When you stretch out the hand, stretching.
When you touch the cup, touching.
When you take the cup, taking.
When dipping the cup into the water, dipping.
When bringing the cup to the lips, bringing.
When the cup touches the lips, touching.
When you swallow, swallowing.
When returning the cup, returning.
When withdrawing the hand, withdrawing.
When you bring down the hand, bringing.
When the hand touches the side of the body, touching.
If you intend to turn round, intending.
When you turn round, turning.
When you walk forward, walking.
On arriving at the place where you intend to stop, intending.
When you stop, stopping.

     The long and short, you take no action without announcing it.  You can not do anything casually like “what color was her dress as she walked the red carpet”  If you know me at all, you know I don’t care if she had a dress on or a bathrobe and I am not interested in buying a knock-off copy of whatever.  But there I sit reading or clicking on the next.  

     I am beginning to realize that in addition to spending years looking for my keys and glasses I have also spent twice as much time reading stuff that either is really of no interest or as in politics only serves to get me upset with no place to go with the feelings.  And, I want the other person to change what and how they are acting, talking, looking etc.so my life is great.

     So after five days of living in silence and speaking to myself before and during an action, I might begin to connect with myself and become more aware of what I am doing.   I can only regulate what I am doing and how I am reacting to what others are doing.  I can share how I am feeling, once I know what I am feeling but I can’t demand that others do the same.  One great side effect to the process, you can’t get lost arguing with yourself in your head or rehearse the scene so that it is playing out the way I would like etc.…    Let the play begin.