Bangkok re visited

I actually like the city but it is hot. so I do breakfast and the return then out again and returnshower and tthen out again. It's midday that is not pleasant.  This time out I will take the phone camera.
So what is new old in between.
There is a police presence. I noticed on the sky train from the airport that there were 2 walking through the card . Also there were tents visible at the Suam area.  I will go see my lambogini probably tomorrow. I booked my airport taxi so I guess I will come home.
So what's happening.

This is the arm of a young, , early 20's who was sitting with some who was eating breakfast at the place I was eating. I looked at the little scratches on,my forearm and thought I would have to me under something to do this. I did ask to take the picture.

There are several ways to read this sign. I think the place has been there a long time.

There fewer Chinese and very few non Caucasians. Most of the Western folks speak English but are from everywhere but US.  Scandinavian, swiss, slovic.etc.

This woman sat next to me as I drank my Chang and ate roasted nuts. She was happily texting until she started to so . Then she got herself together and started again. I gave her my nuts and went to dinner. On my was home she was still there but with another person.  New meanings to crying in your beer.

Kababs are are big thing on the street. Now you know they are turkis. There are still fols with bugs and smoothies and of course the hilltribe folks

I have not seen the nice silver bracelets which are now replaced with string

These two look like they are saying, Dorothy I don't think this is Kansas.
And then there are those that came and stayed and don't remember where they are from

information comes from unexpected sourses or I found my soapbox.

When I came down from the mtn I had a good feeling of calm and determination to not let anything come across my path that would enter my sense of serenity.  Then Saturday evening I found a friend sit alone for dinner and stopped for a greeting.
She was waiting for someone who might not show and since we had not spoken for a few days, I ordered a lasse and we started to chat.
Soon the friend came and two words exchanged...hello hello, the person who joined us turned her chair away from my direction and began a general conversion with my friend. My lasse came and I paid as it arrived so I could leave quickly. Since the conversation was about Cambodia, I tried to ask a question only to get a phase answer and a feeling that my comments where not part of the dyad. I left shortly.
I could not let the situation go. I even smelled my underarms to see if there was something basically wrong. I don't think I had said more than 2 sentences and they were questions.
A long time ago I had ended up at a country western place near Brockport. I was struck by the fact, most of the women and many of the men were overweight. Two nice looking men came and stood next to where I was standing. It was a little noisy so they were speaking in loud voices. Finally one said,  let's get out of here. Nobody is here except a couple of dogs lije this  and he gestured in a very obvious manner in my direction. I left there soon after.
When I finally got to the point of my feelings it was that in both situations I felt like a non-person. Surely, no caring person would treat another as such for no reason.
I met my friend last night and told her how the situation had made me feel. She could tell something wasn't right but since she was not sitting with the woman's back to her she had a different perspective.
Two pieces of feedback came to me. 1. I can appear intimidating. If that is so, by just sitting at a table,  I am probably lucky someone didn't jump on the table with a chair to keep me under control.  I can't imagine what would have happened if I had actually engaged in the conversation. I know from other conversations that I can give an appearance of not being affected by what is said to me.  Of course I eventually got my humor into the mix and said to myself, this 74 yr old 5 foot grey haired woman still has it. I will write about my impression of the Thai people and how many show the gasheo or put their hands together and give me a slight bow.  Somewhere in the middle is great no bow and no back.
2) many people don't like Americans.  Well that is like being short, not much I can do about that. I have spent much of my life in opposition to discrimination and those that are prejudice again a group/class/race/Creed etc and I have to say this is one of the few times where the location of your birth was an excuse for someone to be rude.  I have held back that I was born in the Midwest since there is already a mark since I am from NEW YORK.
I will hold this woman in my heart for "she knows not what she does" and she will most probably have some karma to deal with.
Kindness,  compassion, courtesy are the true mark of the civilized.
At home I see folks who feel chosen because they are follower and then they are unkind and speak ill of neighbors who don't act the same as they think they should.
I can't do anything about any of this but I can hold true to who I am and not become the critical or small.
I slept very well last night...and life is good.

the mis-take of the mis-take

Well from the response I have received from my mis-take blog, it would appear that I need more work on my choice of words. Maybe my non-note taking notes in my head will help.
The little monk had this comment re ranting radio talk shows. These shows are for people who thrive on conflict. If you are on the side of the host you can be mad with the host and feel like you have made a difference in the world but you go into action no further than your radio. if you are no on the side of the host you can be mad at the host and feel like you have made a difference in the world but you go into action no further than the radio. Only the host wins because he is paid well to vent but needs to do little more than sit in a studio.
 OK some random thoughts.
Peace is one of the most important elements to happiness; peace with self, others and the world. Peace inside must be cultivated slowly over time but first there must be peace outside - avoid all conflicts- with others, all situation that generate dissension in the body mind, and displays of violence - war, ,quarrels -all harmful to the embryonic inner peace.
Serenity help you become accustomed to peace. Avoid people who present discord - who get angry, talk about others, are mean spirited or vengeful. It is better that we are wrong (with limits - you are not a door mat) so that conflict can stop. Apologies and forgive. Be clear -what you feel, need, desire and limits.
Avoid speaking about topic that create a dispute. Most are attached to their beliefs and opinions, so why talk. Don't interfere with others business
Control your own behavior.
 Don't express negative emotions. observe and then transform. Every time we remain quiet our inner peace gets stronger.
When fear, doubt, desire, hesitation takes hold...find that calm space - solitude, sit in silence and breath seeking clarity Hold no grudges.
 Every that happens to us is our doing called to us are our lesson - accept myself just as I am - weakness, limitations, qualities and love myself to improve myself and find the root of the suffering.
 Work starts with myself. I am the only one that I can rely upon in all situation.
Cherish your relationship with the self/Self by creating a haven in your heart that no one can enter or tarnish and where we take refuge during a storm. 

Mis-take

Somewhere in the middle of all of my thinking these past few days, I was drawn to re examine Coming to our Senses, healing ourselves  (Jon Kabat-Zinn) The whole mindfulness stuff has to do with not being on the slippery slope of the casual chain from mis-perception to mis-apprehension to mis-appraisal to mis-attribution and eventually mis-take. The moral of many stories...it ain't necessarily so.
I see that it is so important to check and double check what we say and write. I am responsible for my words. When I write on the blog the auto correct takes over and adjust what I think I am saying to what it thinks I should be saying. When I read it back, I think what is that, who wrote that.
I know that I have a processing issue. I think much faster than I write. I leave out words and for the most part, my loving friends fill in the blanks. I don't do well with folks that are literal or precise. But those are the very people who will force me to grow.
 I also see that often when I was trying to keep someone from suffering, I jumped in, well meaning, but my act and words were seen as uncaring or not listening.
 It is much easier to just listen and not try to fix.
 I have kept 1000 of emails and have read many over and can see who responds and what they say. Not listening is endemic. In one case when I said, I would be more comfortable if I could bring a friend, what was reported was I was not coming at all. I appeared a drama queen when I was hurting and just wanted some support.
In another case, I asked for clarity about what someone said and I was told, I get 100's emails and just thought the topic was about something else.
What all this says to me, our rushing can lead to many mis-takes and many people want a free pass when a mis-take is made but might not want to give the same to others.
 I can't do much about others but I will try very hard to live and write and speak more mindfully. I have been accused of sending email bombs but I read them as strong opinions about a topic not the person. I have received some very cruel personal attacks about my effort and ability. I know the difference.
I will do my very best not to lose my love of life and spontaneous nature. If I make a mistake, I will try to correct the problem. I am human. You are human and if I don't understand I will ask for clarity rather than kicking someone to the curb.
 I am sad because I may have to move on and away from those that want the free pass but don't want to do the work. I know there are many people out there and in my life that are on a quest for inner peace and compassion. "I am here to end suffering, if suffering is more important than anything, I will end suffering..."

meditation center

The meditation center is located on the down side of the mountain. You go up the stairs or elevator and then down past the monk lodging and barking dogs and over a pulling for hauling construction materials. I think i was one of the few that did not text etc . but I had made a decision to take a few pictures before I left. I could not get the DROID to cut the flash for the one picture I wanted was the scene of Chaingmai at night. During the day there is haze but at night wonderful lights.
So this was my lavish room.  A bed with a mattress harder than my bungalow and some sitting pillows for meditation in the room. Not much to dust. A pad cover and a blanket.

I did some sitting and walking in the room but mostly in the chapel or meditation hall shown below.
The room was in a two story building with 5 rooms on each floor and a shower and toilets at the end of the hall. Two buildings for men and 2 women.

Yes it is hilly and constant steps.  The building in the back is the eating floor 7 and 11am and the meditation hall and the dharma talk and chanting room.

returned

Spiritual change is precisely a process that is bigger than you. You don't contol it, you surrender. You don't reinvent yourself through spiritual work. You face yourself and then you must let go of all the ghastly things you find.  But there is no end to the ghastly things.  They keep coming.  The ego is a bottomless pit of suckiness. And so you finely let go of the self that clings to itself.
True freedom comes when ego goes.  Shogen Jack Haubner

ready

I remember my first retreat. I was in high school. I spent most of the time looking at the other young girls and wondering how they could pray that long, what do you say and what is there to talk about.
In our senior year, on the weekend of JFK inauguration we had our retreat. I smuggled a small tv and folks got made up as various types and I came as a reporter. A very religious experience for sure. The one thing that did change my life was the speech....ask not what your country can do for you... I was determined to get out of my comfort zone and try to help people move to a more comfortable life. Most of the other retreats have involved community gatherings and topic discussions.
So in an hour, in the middle of Chaingmai, I will have my meal of the day, find a songtow and got up the mountain to spend the next 4 nights and five eating two meals after dawn and before noon. I will walk, sit, stand, and be prone in meditation for 10 hrs a day. No reading or writing talking or having eye contact with anyone but my guide once a day.  Up at 4:30 and sleep at 10pm.
Leaving my portage, pancakes, avocado, and Chang beer.
It is all good. I only hope I am loving to the me that I find.
Best of all,  the long shirt covers the black under ware....
I will keep you all in my heart.

Happiness (no pictures)

I have experienced some very good and helpful readings. I think more than food I will miss reading and writing next we on the hill.
This week i have focused on happiness. All happiness is temporary. When we are cold and then find fire we are happy until we start to sweat and then we want to run into the snow.
Maybe happiness, true happiness only happens in the stillpoint space of emptiness between thoughts - no stress, agitation, friction,  movement and the mind stops      peace, silence, timelessness....beyond time but alive with potential.
This space is always there but for me, I bypass to get to the next attraction. But if I can put the world on hold, even for only seconds a day...I come to feel my true nature - the light of the"soul", the music of the silence.
There is a sense I am at the center of my heart  bomp bomp bomp...in non-doing, non-having, just the stillpoint - hot and vast then gone.
But now I know it is there and I will go there again and more often.
The world is the non-real in which I play roles.
I have in my core, my heart,  an island of shelter - the source of everything.
To end suffering is to detach from what makes me suffer. Poor countries are often "happier because they don't chase"stuff" but find joy in the routine of a simple life.
I now know all of my opinions are faults because they are colored by my desires, fears, and illusions - colored by ego. I will try to train myself to have no opinions but to travel the middle path in the present moment.  At this second, it is my truth.
I am grateful for all my teachers. ...Every one who came on or crossed, or ran headlong into me thinking you knew. Grateful that I have taken as good care of myself- body and mind
I feel joy and satisfaction for my self, for those on the path and the world of my experience.

tues

finally had some opportunity to get to the flower festival pictures.

While each of the women are very interesting they all appear to have great teeth and wonderful smiles. I was a little way back from the street and some of the time the float was moving, etc. What i see as not clearly presented are the eyes.
In the next go I am going to try and capture the very beautiful eyes.  The Thai group have a full eye shape and if you see a non brown eye you can be rather sure there was a foreign father.
One of the Dutch 6monthers vol at the orphanage which is mostly mixed race/culture children.
Today I thought about what is the difference between a groove and a rut. Perspective was may conclusion of the day. For today I will go where my spirit directs and see where that takes me.....well after my class, picking up a white wrap to keep warm on the mountain, and breakfast.

A few weeks ago, I took Reiki I and I I from Rod and he just posted the picture of the two students in I.

So this is how I looked several weeks ago and this is today

I will spare you a blow up. I would do a time shot of my body but my flower festival photos have been downloading forever and I don't want to interrupt the process.
Today I overdosed on massage. I had my regular with Phat and the an oil massage from y woman on the bungalow soi.
I know I am thinner, no one has grabbed my anatomy and asked "how many babies have you had".
The oil massage was a bit of a trip however. The shop consists of a floor mat and a curtain. The soi is busy and there is a school near with parent pick up and buses. So as you lay behind curtain number one you are about 5 feet from the road.
The other fun thing is that there is a open air coffee shop immediately next door as in on the other side of the wall.
She plays very nice soft massage music, but you are in the conversation.  There were four folks, 3 men and a woman discussing the weather and the best swimming pool. All of this...zoom and pool talk while you say breath in breath out....relax
This was also one of the hotter days that we have had and there is no cross breeze nor fan behind door number one.
It was a delicious massage and I have good information about where to eat and swim etc...all for $10.
Eventually there will be photos of more than myself.

by the dawns early light

This is what I see from my bed as I look out the door.

The little wooden bungalow has cut glass in all the windows. Next Sunday i will go up the mountain. Today as I woke and did the morning recollection, my thoughts and breath was like the window...you know there is light outside but nothing is clear... the rooster crows,  the morning dove coos.....rising. ..falling. and it is ok that it is not clearer...it is what it is.  No more. ..no less
Celebrate the now as it happens in its impermanence or snooze and miss it.
This is the dawning of another new day.
Chi Kong,  massage, avocado salad, oil massage, movie, dinner....the wheel goes round and my intention is to be awake.

red -the heart love and joy

I went on a little shoot today and discovered that you can actually stop the scooter, park, , get  off and take pictures ...so I got some ideas for Red.

Also scary, I am getting a little handle on getting pictures and text more organized on the galaxy. I still have to use the Acer for the collage but I could live without that. On this trip i gave careful thought to packing and so far I have not wanted and have not had excess except books. I know part of the day adventure is going to the book stores. Do I have books on the computer...yes but it is better when you are in the mood to read and you can put a paper book in your pocket. I also brought about 20 chips for pictures and although I have only taken 1500..there is tons of room on the first chip. So I go big chip hold with baby chip for the galaxy and the baby to holder for the Acer. All fun.
More fun...When I eat light veggies I have less concern about the functioning of the toilet. Today is not one of those days so I must be creative in getting the toilet to function. I am very grateful for being me since the is a way and I have will. Also i might just stop eating until they find a plumber with parts.
Tomorrow I will get the opener for the compound gate so I can ride to the mountain at 6:30 to see if can see the monk procession .
Off to the flower festival.  This is a big deal in Chaingmai with many flowers, floats, and fabulously beautiful people. The are 2 queens this year, a Thai and a non Thai. Word has it that American, Canada, Australian, Chinese, etc., were in the mix. Interesting to see who they selected.
In my view,  many Americans look like cookies cut out of a magazine. Blondie, straight hair tank top and short with a cell phone texting about what they think they are seeing. Few have real cameras but are taking shots of others and self shots. The pubs are full of potential hook ups populated with young beer drinkers.
The rest of the toilet story.  Neighbor Nelson said let me look at it. So he took the toilet apart with my tools and we found the water line plugged with paper. Cleaned it all out and put it back together and.....flush away.  Ah

love (more words less pictures)

Have you ever loved someone...As in really loved without conditions. You probably will not have dinner with H&H without getting a few twist in your thinking cap. So last night's puzzle was who are you. Your real or true Self. That little spot of the Buddha buried behind a bunch of should, facades, conditions, excuses, and fantasy. The perfect just the way you are.  How much compassion do we have for us.
When I think of total acceptance for a person who is in normal terms,  not deserving of love, I immediately thought of Penn and Serandon in dead man walking.  She was the last person he saw as they killed him. She knew his crime and yet completely  had unconditional love for him.
When I look at me, I see my shortfalls rather than my perfect the way I am at this time and place. We are always perfect.  Our Self is always lovable. I will be up on the mountain for five days in silence...no words, no sound, no camera, no pencil. The first thing i will say...who are you?  I love you.
Knock knock Self rapping
Are you open for viewing

more ramblings

A few weeks ago I wrote about bidding on a photo at the Documentary Arts Asia anniversary party. This week i snapped a copy. This is why I didn't go to Burma.

There are many people in some provinces being slaughtered daily. The photo journalist got the shot...a one in a million of the child running for his life.
PAUSE
When I cross the midway point of my journey here, I start to realize how easy it is for me in this environment. I pull people that are not looking to say...sorry didn't mean to do that...but are taking responsibility for their actions and living examine lives. I recognize more that many in my home life are well meaning people with little regard for the effect of their actions. And much or their actions are like a bull in a china closet. Like my community....everyone is welcome...why don't they just come in...well you just don't get it. You only see the welcome when you think you belong.
I am an educated self examining person but it only now at the late time that I know that sometimes I am skillful at life and sometimes not.  You have to be aware and skillful to know possibility. To use your intelligence and insight effectively, you need good instincts, intention and feelings.
I don't want to be just well meaning but I want to Think,  and be well considered.
I need quiet time to think and reflect and so I can be well prepared for what is presented.
Enough brain braking.   Joy and love .

Tuesday 4th home in a month

I will not spend any more time whining about the grant application. It is off to edit and I am only subjecting two people with the babble. So now back to my life.
I am eating...Two meals a day portage with fruit three days, a pancake two days, amnd french Toast two days. I am reading so much about being healthy that I now eat the fruit and then the french Toast.

It is as good as it looks and even nicer when I connect with friends
My teacher Rod said the Thai folks are pretty laid back but if you get them upset it could be dangerous. I have had a run in with the law. "EveryOne" cuts across the moot road at the intersection. I was an everyone and got pulled over by the uniformed officer. He drew a picture and said no and then said 400 bhat ($12) and I was on my way. Do I think my $ was seen by the City of Chaingmai......but I was on my way.
I am going to work at my pictures more. When I see something, I have to find a parking spot and then get the camera organized. I will walk more and park and walk more.
This biker was very old. I don't know if this is her house as well as her transportation but I loved the load and the umbrella. Not having dark skin is a prize.


In the unit next to me are two French young men. They have come here to learn Mury or Thai boxing. The guest house has put up mats so they can practice. The word in the court yard is YUP which is what you shout as you kick. The smaller Frenchman had a pulled muscle and was hurting trying to kick it out. One of the things is to have someone hit your stomach without a flinch. Not my thing for sure.

This week in class we are working on the heart. Negative traits hatred and impatience and positive love and joy.  The color is red so after the post I will go shoot red. I am still trying to be more compassionate from my liver work. I don't feel hatred but I am not too loving with myself. I wrote to the Wat and told them I need a stool or chair and they just responded...we have a chair for you. I don't feel badly because I can no longer sit, I am grateful I can walk.  So I looked for impatience.... folks walking out since service slow etc. I will look for more but this woman had an impatient attitude about herself.

I am not putting my hands on my hips again.  I check the wt when I see the Dr. and I am staying the same. However I have to be aware of going to too many of these type places.

testing

I have been told some are not getting the posting.  I am working on the community grant and have not said much.  Yesterday I missed the market. After working at the computer in the heat on a stool, I took a nap and when I reentered the world, it was going on 8pm. ?.ooops.
Today chi kong, , massage, quick snack the dentist and now finish the grant.
So someone let me know you are getting the mail.

a study in green

Green is the color of the liver and gallbadder - anger and jealousy......transformed to kindness and generosity.

a study in green