Playing my life.

The “work” has taken several twists and turns, but I hope I can put some letters on a page that will make sense to me and maybe someone reading.   

I watched a man and his little charge in the pool the other day.   We were the only ones in the pool and I was doing my practice stroke and breathing.   When they came to the pool the little one (half Thai) starting jumping into the pool and the older man would go under the water to meet him and then toss him up to get air.   Sometimes the boy would cough a little but always, laugh and be ready to do it again, sometimes paddling to the stairs, at times assisted and sometimes picked up and put on land.  This went on and on and I thought that was what was missing in my life.   No one played in the water with me.  I was told that Mom and Dad can’t swim and I probably could not and would drown if I went into the water.   When I first started to work with Fred, he wanted me to get into the water and play.  I still did not get it for a long time. Swimming is about relaxing.  I still get water in my nose but it is just water and it goes out shortly.  The more I relax and let my head lay in the water, the faster I go and the more air pocket there is to breath.

This is life.  I have looked at my life and many of the sticky spots and some of the almost drowning spots and know that they are just there to give me a hint of my life and how I usually react.   People are generally one of three types; fight – flight – freeze.  We can do all under different circumstances but usually have a go to pattern.    I can clearly identify situations where each has come into my reaction but in general, especially when someone, a cause, a child etc. is concerned, I am a fighter.    I am an eight on the enneagram.  That also means that I am usually pretty confident that I can take care of myself and that I will land on my feet, or be able to get up dust off and keep moving.

I can live with a certain amount of doubt which also means I usually live with about 60% of surety and 80% of perfection.   Which helps me not to freeze at a crossroad or crisis.

While I am rarely unhappy since I enjoy life, and watching myself playing at it, I know what and who makes me miserable.   In my time here, I have come to accept that there are some losses I will just have to live with unless the other person takes a second look at me and says you are worth knowing.

I am getting to see things as they are and accepting them as they come.  I don’t feel I fear making a mistake and it I do, it is just that without guilt.  Next time, I might do it differently or not.

There is nothing absolutely good or bad.  I will take full responsibility for my actions which sometimes will lead to down and sometimes up.  I still have some unpleasant feelings and some excitement but my observation tells me that there is more balance to my personality, emotions and feelings.  The boundary of the “shoulds” related to beliefs, ideas, or patterns appears to be less rigid if not broken.

It is my nature to use strong words, but hopefully, I will say them now with more compassion for the other person and thus compassion for myself not to feel guilty for the action.

It will take time to break some old habits and for my external self to catch up with what is happening internally. 

 Like swimming, when I do it correctly Fred says to do it nine more times so your body knows the way.   Bonny says, watch yourself, and when you feel it is good, practice being your true self.