A few Saturday’s ago, I had a minor crash with the scooter. I was in the turn lane and stopped with my directional on. The traffic cleared and I started forward. There had been no traffic and there was a clear lane to my left. A woman with a child, came to my right and smacked the front tire and stopped my slow forward motion and pushed the bike to the left. I continued to the right and ended up on the ground with my book in my bag smacking into my left rib and my right elbow breaking the fall to the ground. I bruised my ribs which are still sore and skinned my elbow which has healed. The accident was minor but it caused a greater issue…. Fear.
In the weeks that followed (two weeks tomorrow) I noticed that was becoming overly concerned about people approaching to pass and particularly fearful about the young riders who like to speed and weave in the traffic. I could feel my body react and at times feel that when I stiffened I would compensate for my worse fear, being hit, and move the bike in the opposite direction in a jerking manner. I noted that on a few occasions, my over compensation was putting me in peril … I was stiff, over reacting to a non-real situation created in my mind by the fear of … what if.
I have taken some time to look at fear in my life as well as other examples that I can see in others lives. Once something happens – and accident, a failure, someone cheating you or on you, it appears we put on a foreign body and start to live a life of fear. I could see a tightening and jerking overreaction to the thought that something might happen.
I can see in others a tightening and loss of a usual forward-looking personality and the creation of a screwed always looking for the trouble signs… and overreaction that like the bike situation can make the situation actually come to pass… then I can say… see… I was right to fear. The fear fosters the situation.
This morning, I am up preparing for an art class. Last year’s sketching class resulted in my getting my money back and the teacher telling me to go home. Today is watercolor for seven hours in the countryside with the landscape. My first thought after I signed up and told the teacher of my experience and lack of skill… and she assured me she would be encouraging and gentle…was just not to go. The day, 9:30-4:30 that includes a nice ride to the country, a visit to the teacher’s home with homemade lunch and materials and will cost 2500bht ($70). Money is not the issue…
what if… I can’t put the mountains in my eye so they come out the brush, what if she laughs,
what if… but…
what if I allow myself to feel the mountains and feels like I do with the camera and let my eye and hand work together. What if for only a day or an hour or a minute, I drop my what if and just let be me and what is?
I will drive out cautious but look forward and move ahead in my lane at a steady speed so the speeders will know where to go around me. I will smell the chili cooking and the coffee brewing and watch the traffic, like the 490 coming into the city.
Like Pogo…I have met the drawing mat and the mat has met me
or
as Pooh said to Piglet who had just said…what if the branches in the storm break off and fall on our hear…..well… what if?
If fear makes me not want to do something or be me… .I am causing myself to suffer and I will drop that and not suffer.
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