Money

When I was younger, I often lived on the edge with little extra funds.  There were times when I was not getting my expense check and was traveling that I was actually living from the gas pump to pump on credit.   I had poor credit since I was spending much more than earning.  I bought the house with no money down... and did most of the work, with little knowledge and helpers that often knew about what I did.  Logic and guts got me through as well as my love for my best friend that drove me to finish.
Today, after 47 yrs of working - a not so big but ok pension and SS, I pay my bills and have money in my account as well as some investments.   I don't have a great deal, but my house is almost paid for as well as the car - I have a $50K line of credit, a $2K overdraft, and a money market account tied to my Summit.
When I first arrived, it took me five days to get Summit et al to know that I was in Asia.. although I had told them and they had confirmed.
Today's trauma ....with about $12 in Thai money in my pocket (I have $300 in AM as an emergency)... I go to the bank, and it says... check your account....  I check cash - $3K... I check savings---$3K... I check Money Market....$7K...  I tried again... 3-4 times.    I go to another machine... card inserted incorrectly....   I check the card... wipe the strip.... and try twice more.... same way... same direction...and finally... $$$$$  My rent is due tomorrow....5500 for everything... so I have $ for gas and dinner.
I see kids at dinner counting their coins to pay for a coffee....    I have enough total to buy the condo I looked at ... all I want is $250....  
It is the small things in the process that brings you back to really...  as to the product...I am here... it is now... I can put gas in the scooter... and all is good.
I will learn how to transfer money from Summit to Bangkok NYC at no cost and get a Bangkok Bank Credit Card so I remove myself from the mercy of the credit union.  For 5 years they were great... the last two... It is a roll of the dice.

Hmung

I have been thinking a great deal about vocation... having a passion for something.  I don't feel my eyes have led me to photo subjects.  My meditation is ok but I am getting more out of some books and recordings by great teachers about Dharma and the Sutras.  I don't even think I had a career.  I might have helped a few people along the way but I went down many streets while someone paid me.  I had a passion for basketball and skiing but that was my hobby.   I am reading a book, The Road to Character, that highlights the lives of people who developed character and also many a vocation.  I have tried to put principle before personality but it has left me questioning if I can stay attached to several organizations that are neighbor personality or principle driven.
Yesterday I stopped into an exhibit by a woman who was a violin soloist and teacher in Chicago and became interested in the music of the indigenous groups in Asia, the Hmung tribes.  I am going to buy her $65 book not so much for the book, which is very informative but for her life work and her inspiration to myself to start putting the pieces together for my vocation.   As an overall view of her work, while it focused on the music and instruments, she also spent time with their lives...the clothing, the healing, etc.    Here are a few pictures of parts of her display.

There are many rituals in the design of the stitches.  The shapes and configuration are purposeful for protection or to ward off illness

 The cloth over the baby's back has many signs circles, crosses, diamonds to confuse the evil spirits and protect the baby.  Some tribes have more stripes and some more circls

This is how they make the cloth.   the top right ball is crude hemp and the one on the left is ready for weaving.  the middle is a model of the loom ad the bottom is the shuttle used to take the string across the set up string and to add color.

Over the hump

I am going to share something very personal.  I went for a facial the other day to Nori who is a very skilled Chinese Dr who does deep muscle work with a stick.   She stuck me a bit and reminded me that my hump was getting more pronounced from sitting at the computer.   At the end of the facial, she said I should detox and gave me three brown tablets and said take them at bedtime and the next day you will be emptied of old toxins.  Fortunately, I thought I should do this on the weekend when I was not going to ChiKong.  Last night I took the pills. (pause)                  My experience with detox has been colonic, which is not easy and painful for me, but if done by a good practice person, it takes about 1.5 hrs, and you are not exhausted, and you actually get up and leave.      The brown pill method turned out to be marathon sprint to the commode or at least the commode room followed by cleaning up the half the room and a shower. I will shorten this by saying I take a shower a day and I am about seven days ahead and the very final note, why would anyone do that to themselves,  Like Tom Hanks to his son in Sleepless in Seatle... where doing ok by ourselves aren't we?  Was I that bad before....  Today I am freezing and am apprehensive about what virgin food I should put in my sparkling clean and empty body.

May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!

It is hard to accept that when you feel that you are on the right path and that your step is easier that it is temporary and you just need to enjoy the moment.  Around the next bend is some piece of earth that will end up in your eye and you will have cloudy vision. 

I can feel my body being more relaxed as I go about the day.  I will be spending most of my time by myself and have more say about go here, go there, or don’t.  While my calendar looks full …today my chi gong class, breakfast with the expaits at Riverside, a

curator's tour of an art opening, it will be my pace and timing.  I will come and go when I feel I want to do so. 

Last night on my way to sit with the sangha, the road was dark and busy and I just went home after a nice meal with H&H.  I listened to a dharma talk by Penna Chodron and felt it was where I was to be on a dark night.  

Today, no rain.

The lesson for me is to be at ease in the rain and in the some and wish all well.  I rode past a man drinking the last juice from a discarded beer bottle – it is easy for me to wish him well.  Much easier to send a kind thought to him than the self-inflated ex-marine in my class or the man that will be president.  Who knows, the man with the bottle may be richer in heart and more at ease than either.

Yesterday I went to DaDa for oatmeal mango and banana....  I could have the same picture for the past three-four years.  There is great comfort in stability

Same staff... same wall signs.....same fans... same help staff... only the two German men and the american women have changed.

My laundry person is on holiday to visit her family until the 7th so I was out of underwear.   I remembered the place at the mall with the flyless men's briefs... so I now have four new pairs.  As I went by the IT shop, I saw this salesman having a rest.  I am amazed as to where and when folks can sleep.  first, I would have to lay on the floor and second... I would be fired.  Just a quick shot with the phone but I the scene gave me a smile.

 

I have been in Thailand for three weeks and while some of my life is in pattern some is still an off step.   I love the spontaneity and non-fatal risk living, but I also like order.  You might not know this since my place of living is often not a home but a landing pad.  I am working on that. 

One thing I have learned about me is that if I don’t set the day with a time for “things” I want to do, as taking care of me and learning from my  life aka Blog, I do things that push the day forward until bed time.  I have played more spades online than blogged.  In my life process, will it matter that I outplayed a 75 yr old woman from Canada etc. 

On New Year’s Eve day, I started the day in a tangle of misconnections to my home.  I had been reflecting that morning about loving someone.  My online teacher Ajahn Brahm, had given a great talk on seeing the joy in the past year and accepting a choice to love or be in suffering.   In the talk, he asked what it is to be loved and loving.  I ran through the people in my life and reflected that in most cases, I know how to act so they can accept me easier in their life rather than just coming with my bumps and knowing no matter what, I am loved.  

When you have or appear to others to have a strong personality, it takes work on both parts not to be overwhelmed nor be overwhelming.  Someone once said of me that if there is a world earth crisis, I will get out and then figure out how to make a computer out of string.  But that also has its price.  Some folks see me as competition or someone to compete against or try to control.   I see me as someone who tries to let everyone one around me live their lives until they step on mine. 

When someone yammers on about something they are not willing to change or let go of…I am ok the first round but if they are stuck on not being able to change the other person… I must move on and encourage them to do so also.   T

here are some that think the rules don’t apply to them.  We have a person who thinks she has it together but who has not dealt with some enormous and scary issues.  She buys a big dog that needs a dog park or an acre of land.  Sweet dog but bounding through a community with folks with issues about dogs is not neighborly.  Short of calling the dog warden, it will not change until the dog can’t walk

I have been loved unconditionally and have loved back.  It was a deep friendship that ended too soon by disease and death but to this day, I hold Chuck in my inner heart and think of him often.    I see a kind and loving neighbor who unconditionally loves his wife.   I don’t believe he has had many thoughts of how he might change her.  That acceptance of the bump and holes as part of the package is love and so few really have it.   In most of the relationships, it is how the other person should be  or act so that my life is easier.   Buy a blow-up doll, the humans come with bumps.

That brings me to my housemate.   I have known him for 15 years and he is who he is.  He is not unkind or mean, but he is so into his now that he really does not have a clue as to how his behavior affects another.  The list of times this has happened are numerous and some were critical and more painful.  I must love his bumps and just because he says, let's chat at a particular time and then is not there does not mean anything is wrong but that something, almost anything, has come to his attention and the promised contact is gone.   It is my life task to maintain my sanity and just say… that is Jim.

Off to start my week with Chi Kong.

Dinner Reflections

REFLECTIONS I posted on FB this past Wednesday that I sat next to a Republican etc.  I have taken a few days to push that around in my spirit to see what it was about.  Every time something unexpected is tossed in my way, I find that I revert to my patterned life.  In this case, I feel hostile and want him just to go away.  When he doesn’t, I use barbs to send angry dots at him.  The only way for me to get clarity regarding the learning lessons is to sit down and watch the movie.  Then watch it again with several editors – horror films director – he will be dead in the end, Meg Ryan early movies director – I will be loving, and the best bonny director- what would my best bonny do in this situation.

I had to watch the movie several times and particularly note the scene.   Many of the small tables for one or two were with “reservation” signs and that left very few options.  There was a nice looking 60 yr old man with a Thai woman and an English speaking older couple with the woman looking like she had gotten there early for happy hour (1/2 wine).  I chose the mixed couple and best they were on my deaf side, I had my book, and I was hungry and not intending to stay for the jazz/blues Wed night.

I sat, the waitress – “mickey mouse” knows my name and quickly came, took the order and I had my glass of wine, fresh bread with oil.  Before I could pick up my book, the man next to me had his hand on my book and off the table with “can I look at your book” and was glancing at the back cover.  As he read, his wife ( he later informed me he married the Thai girl three years ago and I will note she calls him Papa) asked what it was about.  His reply – “it is a self-help book about spirituality.”  Mmmm that was the beginning of the slippery slope.  

I turned the book over to look what was on the back cover…. “what home is supposed to be – a place that revives and nurtures you, welcomes you back each day, and invites visitors to return”…    I did not get out of my defensive self just to say….ok .. I guess you could call it a self-help spiritual book.  It is one of my favorite books right up there with Don’t Push the River and the Razor’s Edge.  I also know from Kim O that she is a vegan cook and I have purchased several of her cookbooks -Love Yourself Thin.

Ok, I could feel a small piece of ember in the gut which became a flame when he added that stuff is ok as long as you hold your Christian values.  “I am a Buddhist”… that is ok same as Christian…   “Buddha was before Christ”….  There were several more instructional comments and I began to think does he want me to call him PaPa…. But I added…  “You probably voted for Trump and don’t believe in climate change” (please bring my food)… all the time I am having to turn and face him since he was on my deaf side.   I am a life-long Republican (from Minnesota) and they have debunked the climate stuff.  He didn’t have a red hat…. But short of chewing off a foot… I needed to separate myself.  

The food came.

I centered on the old OA tactics of becoming totally aware of eating.   Up he popped…. How is your stew?  My beef was a little fatty and chewy and I was thinking of ordering the special next time.  “Next time do that…. But you will be given what you are to eat – good or bad…  Finally he realized that I did not think he was brilliant and was not interested in sharing dinner with him just because our seats were inches apart.  There were several more comments and I found my mindful eating was focused on finishing and getting out of the place.  

I will carefully select my seat and might ask to sit at the end of the bar… or just not eat.    

Whew.. feel better.

last of out of town

The trip home was much faster but the bus was full with China bike riders.  Amazing how much stuff they can get under the bus

bye bye historical park

hello bus - I don't think of corn on the cob as bus snack food, but whatever floats your boat and fills your bike pants'

This is the bike group at the rest stop

Chinese ate noodles

Farang ate ice cream

and which way to the toilet

Many of the toilets also have a western seat with no plumbing... you use a bucket of water to flush

She is attached to the ice cream eater






As we were waiting to get back on the bus,  one of the passenges had to find his backpack which lucky for him was not behind the bikes.  



He was on a mission to shave.

This is the small luggage compartment .. not a mirrow location.

Sukhothai number 2

DAY ONE  This was a day to give pause.  Can I believe that I went to a historic site without the big camera?  I did take a few photos on the phone which I posted on facebook, but sending them and getting them etc. is a bit of pain.   My travel companion scouted out a particularly nice site and was kind enough to return there the next day with me before we went off the next site.

Almost any place you could look you would see the pillars and some stone wall of a something that once was there.  The grounds were magnificently maintained. There were people clearing, mowing, and sweeping so that you were tempted to just go lay down next to the tree.

This area would have had some type of a covered meeting hall before the Buddha hall.  There are tunnels and passageways in the wall  around the building.  Many documents were found that that gave an idea of the kingdom at that time.

 I had to take several shots of the face, not to get it in focused but to not have a bird flying around the nose or eye.  If you look you can see a pigeon on the eyebrow to the right.  Most of the statues in the area have a narrow head and smaller lips like the lanna Buddha.

The hand of the Buddha was very detailed.  This is a common pose of the Buddha had and Bonnie thought it was the model for all the take home art you see at the markets.  The curve of the fingers is very much like the Thai dance hand.

The lotus grows best in pretty dirty water.  I have no idea if it smells nice but the water does not smell pleasant.  If you go in the afternoon, the flower will be closed.

Sukhothai Dawn of Happiness part 1

BACKGROUND   The area was the capital of Thailand for 120 yrs. and there is much respect for the twin cities of Sukhothai and Si Satchanalai which are now well-maintained ruins as a historical site.  The area is about 427 kilometers from Bangkok and 250 from Chaing Mai.  If you really want to “do” the area you will need more time that two full days.   There are two major areas of Si Satchanalai, I only visited one, and there are ancient kilns and several forests that could be hiked.   I will break my blog into several parts, so I am not exhausted writing and if you are following, you are not exhausted reading.

MY PATH   “Anything that inspires us to see what is true and do what is good is proper practice.”  Ajahn Chah  There was a good opportunity on the 50+ kilometer ride out to Si Satchanalai to have some time to reflect on Christmas.   Growing up Catholic and in a home lead by a father that saw most social time as a time to do things in an orderly manner.  Spontaneous and fun were not on the top of the list but get the breakfast over, make the dressing, stuff the turkey, etc..and then around noon to one, open the presents, clean up the room, put the gifts back under the tree in an orderly manner.  In the early years, there were too much and in the later years according to father, there was too little, and it was sad.  At around three or four a relative would come, and we would eat at 5:30.  Clean up, and Christmas was over.  Today I would like to think that this is the season to focus on the practice of generosity, consideration, kindness, and mutual regard.  Many times along the way, I was reminded that being more mindful of what is happening to me and about me is why I am on the Thai journey.

THE TRIP PATH There is no short cut way to get from here to there.  You board a bus, 2^nd class on the way down and better on the way home.   The bus down turned into a local bus as we got closer to the area and stopped at telephone poles to drop off packages or people.   The bus driver ate most of the way and when not eating honked at anything that was in in front of us.   There was a woman attendant that sat on a trash can the entire way.  It was here job to get people on and off.  While the bus took 7 hrs we only stopped briefly for squat toilet breaks.

I traveled to the area with the "other" Bonnie that I met at the Kristi house several trips ago.  We sat in the first seat so I had a view of the rear view mirror and the drivers station 

with his pencil holder and food bag.

The assistant sat on the metal trash can for 250+ Kilometers

There was a soda bottle

and some artifacts honoring Buddha that made the bus trip appear safe

SIMPLE LIVING - CHOICES - PRIORITIES

SIMPLE LIVING I am putting a little pencil mark on everything that I brought with me and that I have used.  When the time has come to return, this will tell me how much stuff I thought I needed that I did not need.  One thing that I always bring is a washcloth.  Like top sheets o a bed, Thailand sells them, but they are not part of the room (towels and hand towels but no face cloth).  I went to the Airport Plaza to get the sleeping mat and found a desk lamp and a facecloth.  Picture below.   In my reading I came across a great definition of living simply….having everything you need with the bonus of being able to find it.  If there were a place for my Thai stuff other than in that drawer, that box, that bag and a few other places, I would be here with my $80 air mattress that is in a box in my office and one of my home facecloths that are rolled in the bathroom

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CHOICES  I sense I am getting closer to living the way I want to live since I am more aware of not living the way I want to live.   In my exploration of clutter, I am finding that when I am at my most calm is when I am free.  My sense is that freedom is being able to choose what you want to have, do and whom you want to be spending time with, etc.  The only way to have that is not to let in everything that shows up.  On my list of items to consider while meditating is why I feel sorry when I am not included in activities that involve people, places and things that cause me to consider chewing off a foot to be out of the situation.  I am sure it has some relation to my youth, but from a distance, it appears very silly.  When you are in a “relationship” you often have to do more give and take.  In friendships, you really are only obligated to be present.

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PRIORITIES  I have been trying to start my day with identifying my MIT – the 3 most important things to accomplish for the day.  I keep it simple.   I also have a list of important things in my life or things I want to do on a regular basis….exercise, healthy eating, meditation, time with people I enjoy, pursuing my passion.  I have noticed that almost anything can take precedence over the things that are important to me.  The top of my list is Pay Attention, Be Awake, Be Alive.  This morning I jumped out of bed and realized I did not have underwear for four days…. Poof…. Out the window, exercise, and meditation.

Today ends a string of days with physical commitments.. dental, cold, massage etc. and tomorrow I leave for Sukhothai ... and a promise of less talk and more photos

SMALL CHANGE – When I went shopping for the mattress topper or an air mattress it was after a night of feeling I had been dragged behind a chariot in a B movie.   Everything hurt and particularly the hard less fat covered places that hit the Thai mattress when I roll to a side. I got up saying the old poem – there was a crooked man that walked a crooked mile.  I caught the C-shape Bonny in the and thought what are you doing in Asia and can you even get on the scooter.   I was desperate. So off I went to the Thai version of Bed and Beyond and found a fancy Topper for 4990 bhat ($145) which is only $9 less than the cost of the room.  Amazingly I was able to say there must be another answer and moved to the sporting goods store only to find they don’t carry air mattress but a 20 mil foam fold up.   This is hardly the thing you would take to climb a mountain.  I unfolded it and rested my head on the partially opened mat that I had placed on a stack of sneaker boxes.  For 620 ($18) it was worth a try.  Now every day I get up and say, no home, but I just slept 8 hrs with only one bathroom trip.   Amazing what a small change can make. 

The bed softener

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SHELTER FOR THE SPIRIT – I am a card carrying member of BBA Book Buyers Anonymous.  There are many good bookstores in the area – used, very used, new, and to swap.  I can’t leave home without having a few books in my bag.  When you have a 50 pound limit for all your essentials for 100 days, you have to think about packing paper.  I sat in my library and held each book and said… would I read this.  Would this give me joy to have with me, etc.  I selected Toni Packer’s The Work of this Moment, Joan Tollifson’s Awake in the Heartland (last year is was her Bare to the Bones), Dynamic Way of Meditation -a Vipassana book by Dhiravamsa (Thai), and Shelter for the Spirit by Victoria Moran.  I purchased this book several years ago and read it to a dog-eared level with many different shades of ink as underlines and notes.  In preparing to leave my house, I looked at the rugs rolled up and what felt like a lack of joy.  It has become that has accommodated four animals with issues and has created a lack of spirited shelter for the mortgage payer.  I love this book and what it does to my head as I go through each room, nook and corner and picking up items and saying.. does this give me joy.   I am sure by the time I get home I will have a list of things to change and cherish.   I also decided that this would be my shelter for the next many days… what would give my spirit joy… a teapot, a comfortable mug, a reading lamp and as in the last snipit.. a non-uncomfortable bed.

The Road Less Traveled

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DAY OFF Yesterday, except for Hannah’s birthday dinner with Nel and Henry and Harry, I was free just to do things.   I joined the gym across the street from my lodging for 2000 bhat ($57) for 3 months. Trainer Doug would be pleased, there are steps and kettle balls, and places for me to my walk and use the flex cords I brought with me.  [Note: my legs feel better than they did the first year I came to Thailand], I had a slow breakfast at Better than Butter, checked out the bus schedule for Sukothai and enjoyed a leisurely cup of tea.  Jasmena introduced me to the Monsoon Teahouse which is featured in this month’s City Life.  The Spaniard, who was in the tea business in Madrid discovered large tea trees in the area around DoiSutep and started this lovely tea shop.  Not cheap tea, but the flavor is bright and crisp.   When the water is added, you don’t have old leaves in the water, you have a refreshing treat for your nose and palate.  I am happy that the tea will find a home in my handmade teapot to sparkle my morning.  Today is the first day of the new crown and tomorrow my deep cleaning with some bone repair.  Not a day off.

Thursday Dec 15 - broke

I really need to rethink my banking.  It is time to go to the Bangkok Bank and transfer money.   I thought it was all corrected but today Card Cancelled.   I will talk again with the bank at 8:30.  This is more of a reminder to myself.

I have been fighting a cold and of course not getting a full nights sleep.   Today I had my first massage.  I have a set Thursday massage with Phat and so I used my funds to complete my appointment

The market that is near my place is very clean and organized.  There is even music playing. There is a curb appeal that is often not the case in Thailand.









You forget how good ripe and freshly prepared pineapple is.   Like this woman, there is a skill to cutting a pineapple and only leaving the eyes behind.  She was very intent and while she knew I was taking a photo said nothing bu just cut up the pineapple and put it in a tray for sale.

This is a papaya salad to go.   It was interesting to see that they occasionally put a crab into the mix.  A small crab but with all the legs etc.  A man who was fluid in English told me that is a Chinese custom and it gives him indigestion

It is common to use banana leaves to roll the food for easy transport

There is a skill to packaging food in plastic bags with air inside.. Folks rush in grab and go.  

The smoothies are mixed after you buy them.   They add whatever liquid.. coconut water, milk etc. and then mix and toss in a straw.    All very efficient and stop and go.

A broken clock - an opportunity to watch yourself

I got into bed around 11 Monday night and thought a few sprays of melatonin would send me to la la land. It did, but then my broken international clocks got me up around 2 AM, and I was ready to start the day. “it was the time before daybreak, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except me.” 

I was up and out to get breakfast and my scooter by 8:30. A long walk and when you walk alone and are not distracted by the conversation you observe more.  My ability to just watch without judgment and comment is getting there. I am listening to the tones of the sounds, and you can tell a 2 cylinder from a 4 scooter when you listen.  That doesn't matter but the discernment development is. I have the technique I now just need to develop the application to improve my listening skills.  Realizing that I often talk because I can’t hear, I require more one on one and fewer group experiences.

After the walk, it was not long before I began to realize that I was tired because I felt that everything appeared to have a flaw.  

They didn’t bring my 2^nd cup of coffee (they did when I was staring into space) 

The bank goofed, and my card is not working (I then remembered that you can’t take out more than $500 in 24 hrs.)  My first month of lodging with the deposit was about 300 and my three months of a scooter with deposit about $320.  Mr. Jaguar took my passport and let me pay about $75 until tomorrow.  We have known each other for four years...but very Thai to do that. 

Thank you, JoAnn, for the Thai money… it provided a great resource when I needed it.   

I have never been a napper, but I needed a nap.  Rather than tough it out… I went down for an hour.

This all was a good lesson…pay attention, check in with yourself…  I have added the look and listen to the pause.  Stop/Pause…and pay attention.

I ended the day with Indian dinner with H&H, connecting with Bonnie and Jume and swimming teacher Fred…found a gym across from where I am living that will charge me $75 for three months.

And it is all good 

up at 3am yesterday and still going at midnight next day

China Southern Air was shorter than the other trips 15 hr from NYC to China....but glad I had my slippers and water bottle.   The Indian veggie was very good.  NYC/JFK is what it is..and not the best but it is what we offer.   Change everything, take away Air Tran and don't have anyone helping you i  The connection in China was tight and I had to run after an airlines person.   no golf cart for me... when I got to the gate, I was sweating.  Made the plan and luggage got here.

I did not think about toilet paper and soap..so will be a "camper" tonight and tend to my needs tomorrow.









What does a $154 a month room look like...   This is the wardrobe
I don't bring tons of stuff  The white deal is my laundry bag.

below is the desk area.  The wifi is muh better and while there is not a flat screen the picture is adequate and I can get more news than Fox

The box under the desk was delivered by Henry from teacher Fred and had my helmet and tea suff.

You just step out on to the porch and then into the spacious luv

I am in the room at the top of the stairs... 2nd floor

happy bonnhy

SELF RESPECT

Self-respect is not the same as self-confidence, self-esteem nor is it a creation of ego.  Self-respect comes from confronting your weakness and coming through morally dependable.  After that survival, during the next Big Life Crisis, you just know you will end on your feet.

 It is not something you are born with but something that is earned.  When you are on the other side of something that you didn’t think, you could endure, and you are bloody and beaten, but you kept on your path, took the high road even with everything and everyone saying compromise.  Then you know you have self-respect, and there is no such thing as peace at any price.  The price maybe your very soul.

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I am listening to Big Band music on Jazz at Lincoln Center It has been a flashback memory lane for me on this the eve of the seventy-seventh anniversary of the day of my birth.  They played my father’s favor gospel song and several swing tunes that I danced to at the Summer Big Band era at Crystal Beach.  The quality of the musicians is always outstanding, and they are so young and never heard the big bands.   The only issue, the seating does not lean itself to dancing in the aisle.   And what happened to Paul Zilliox who danced me down many a dance floor aisle but not the church aisle.

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I have spent the past several days and will spend the next several days in a reflective mode with more meditation time and spiritual thought and fewer people connection, also, I am just finishing a 25 day stretch of limit calories, so I can get the weight on my knees to a manageable level.  Please with the outcome but must admit, I am looking forward to an omelet tomorrow.  From both the absence of food and people, I have concluded, I am ok with the lack of both.   First, the extraneous people often take my energy and the more inward I go, the less I need the chatter and banter.  I don’t have the same feeling about food.  I miss a glass of wine and my popcorn.  

∞ ¥¥∞

Five weeks from tonight, I will be checking to see that everything I want in Asia is in the bag and I am ready for the 22hr flying time.  This is the first blog of the year.  I think this will be my style for awhile at least.

Scrub a dub dub

I thought I was going to leave my heart in Thailand, but I am leaving my skin instead. 

Today was clean up Bonny day.  Started with a good breakfast. Check into airlines and snagged two aisle seats on Cathay Pacific.  I read all the instructions and made a note to take my two camera lithium batteries out of the check in and put them into carry-on with ends taped and each in a plastic bag.  I thought of going to the park or market but wanted enough time for my person cleaning.  Flipped a coin and the annual facial won the toss.

One thing about going mid-day to a shop that has windows on the street, there are very few customers and the technician always takes their time. The bad thing, they take their time.  I know that I have large pores and that they always find many areas of mining, but I though with using the gold soap that I had the blackhead issue under control.

A very gentle sweet woman met me at the door and asked if I wanted a mask, sure that is part of the deal.  She had a kind gentle look and escorted me to a back table.  I took off the ring, watch, Fitbit, elephant one and two and gently and relaxed laid down on the bed.   She was wonderful.  Lather, lather, more lather.  Gentle wiping off…more cream, lotion, etc.   Then the hot steam to soften my skin. So far so good… then the steam went off and she began her mine probe.  She found spots on my ears, under my nose, my neck, etc.   I lost count after 50 and was trying to keep the tears rolling down my cheek out of her expedition.   Every once in a while, when I levitated after she used a jackhammer on a resister, she would say, sorry and march on.

After what felt like a forever, slathered with some very soothing cream and then painted the mask onto my face.  I was surprised she could get it on since I felt like my skin was swollen but she pushed forward and then massaged my shoulders and feet which the pink mask became attached to my face. 

In a little over an hour, she cracked off the plaster, but on some final cream and extracted $18 from me and I was off to the bar for a Leo.

I was not going to settle for a warm beer and did get some ice.  I thought of putting the beer or ice on my face. After the second beer, I was ready for the body scrub.

Off to a new place for a new procedure.   I have to wait an hour, which gave me time to go back to the room and see if my face was broken.

Once again, a very sweet small Thai woman greeted me and after looking at my skin and consulting with the manager, coffee was the scrub of choice.

And once again, it started out with gentle cream or oil…head to toe and top to bottom.    Ah…….

I have a new respect for coffee.   I also did not realize how many corners a piece of coffee had… but when you are buck naked and someone is pushing a handful around on your soft tender skin, you don’t have time to count.  It is amazing how long 15 minutes of coffee grinding can take.   Left side, front side, back side… oh don’t go there…. And right side, legs, under arms …. Finally, into the shower.  

I can tell you, trying to get oily coffee off your body without a washcloth is not an easy task.   I stayed in the shower trying until I couldn’t do anymore.  

Out of the shower and into the sauna.   I could not believe it, she handed me a bowl of warm honey and said to put it on your body.  Ten minutes of scrubbing off oil and coffee and now I am cooking in hot honey.

  

Out of the sauna and into an enormous bubble bathtub.   She put a towel on the rim of the tub for my head and I leaned back on the towel… and proceeded to go under the water….. The tub was about 7 feet long and when my head hit the towel, my feel went cascading down to the end of tub.  It was my first submerge without goggles…and there was only a foot of water with a foot of bubbles.    I thought it was hysterical and really had to work at not just lying there laughing.  My time was up and I was out of the tub and into my clothes.  

I went in with a nice tan and came out several skin layers lighter… and so I end my Thailand trip.

Routines and Bonnie

I have only a small amount of days left in Asia.   I could live here and in other ways, it will be good to get home.  I am at the point of …can I make the mouthwash last until I go back or should I buy a small bottle.  There are four more scheduled swim classes and I am still hopeful of getting the stroke and breath together.  Or not.

I have to finalize Kim’s wedding gift.  Start to separate what will return on the slow boat and what will travel with me.  Get polish for the floor I have scraped up with my chair. Etc. 

Three Phat massages, six acupuncture treatments, a teeth cleaning, a haircut, a pedicure, a week of qi kong with Rod, two concerts.. and poof.  Leslie leaves today, Donna, Judy and Page this Thursday and Cheryl next Thursday and Bonny leaves CM the following Friday for three nights in BKK and then home.

Of course I have purchased books, which will slow boat home along with my drawing material, pens and pencils and meditation clothes.   I want to get my suitcase down to pretty light so it will not be hard to get to the NYC motel and back for my last leg of the trip.

The one book I brought and which I am reading slowly and with the presence of being is Joan Tollefson's book, Bare-Bones Meditation.  I will be on retreat in Springwater under her direction later in March.

I have continued to have contact with Lily and we have fascinating conversations about life, what we are seeing and learning, and what we are reading.  She is into Oliver Sack and I continue to enjoy the Ted Talks…   I leave her feeling like I just had a shower and I leave some others as if I need one.

In observing myself from different perspectives.  What annoys me or makes me feel the nails on the blackboard.   I can’t fix anyone but I can avoid the company of some.  The biggest thing that I see as a comparison from people who have elected to live here and the travelers, the expaits that I have been walking all appear to be lighter, less judgemental, having some self-awareness, and interest in things outside themselves.  They have great diversity in their interest and friends.   The groups are more black, white, men, women, younger and older etc. 

One quote from the book… “you are always looking for diamonds in the mud, but actually the mud is very interesting”.  After hours with one traveler, I finally figures out that which she says she is on a spiritual path, she is unsettled until she puts people, places and things into boxes.   When we went to a favorite restaurant and I ordered the same thing I did the last time, she commented, oh – you always order the same thing…   and I fell into the pooh hole and said , no I only order that here.   When I go to Brusters – I order Chocolate Raspberry Truffle and when I go to Tom Wahl – I order Chocolate Almond.  Her need to put things in place, or as she says, “know their story” is a silly as my need to explain myself.   Who cares or why do I care that she get’s me. 

I have another person who no matter what I do.. how I say it.. or shout it.. I will be Bonnie -  even my spell check wants to fix it.  So… she will pass out of my life this week and I can then wait for the next person to do the same.

The bottom line is I want to be heard and take at face value for who I am.   I am a learner who is on a quest to be only a traveler in my now space trying to live without judgment.  The important thing is that I start to know myself and take every moment like the present moment without a story, past or future

warning..grammer not good and spelling bad

Morning.  I am not doing a qi gong class with Rod, but do a different Qi Gong at the park with folks that are also members of the Green Papaya Sangha. Tomorrow night is sangha night and the group will be going to Dash’s for dinner…. A choice.  I will go to Dash’s and make sure the reservation is correct.  Order soup and leave for Sangha. 

 

The morning class in the park is the same time as the AA meeting.  Mostly westerns and mostly men around the table.  

In the pagoda at the park, a young western man was doing Tai Chi and along the exercise path at the fence people were lifting their body weight on various public stations. 

 

Parents were walking with cell phone gaze and children, unattended, scampered and fell, cried for a second, and then all moved on.  

It is a day in the park

Traffic.    Driving around the city is a challenge.  In Thailand for the holiday are 400k Chinese, 200k Malaysian, and 100K Indonesian.   It is my theory that as they prosper enough to afford to travel, in their minds they become nouveau rich and own the sidewalks and streets.   Interesting about side-walk as in walk to the side, not happening.   I would like to see some kind of a check about having a scooter license or having a certification that you at least know that you drive once on the street or pull to the side of the road to check the way.   Also, not happening.  You have money, you have a scooter.  You have a scooter and fell that you own the center of your universe then you just stop where you want and when you want and the person behind must be mindful and grateful to be in your universe and hope to stay alive and in one piece as they drive around your space.

Writing.  Last night I had an ok dinner at an uptown place.  Rooms – 40sqm were 6500+455 VAT and 650 service charge (7650 per night).  I pay 284 a night and that includes my scooter.  So, I could stay in this place that looks like a high-end Holiday Inn for 4.5 nights (ok, it has a bathtub and an electric safe) or my little teak bungalow for 4 months. Mmmm   I also listened to folks talk about writing.  I use to give my Mom 10 books for the holiday that I thought would help her know me or the world I live in.  One year, I gave her Langston Hughes and in a few weeks, she gave it back.  She just could not read the language – both the vulgarity and the writing style which focused on writing for his people.  I loved the language.  

“What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up Like a raisin in the sun?... Or does it explode?”

My mother was a spot on speller and should have been an English teacher.  I drove her quite crazy with my continue scribble in some illegible penmanship and wordsmith.  She would try to redo my writing into good form text and type it out.  She believed she was doing me a favor but I stopped writing for a long time.  Now I see that many people who are great with grammar and proper text are dull and nothing snaps you to attention when you read the blah blah. They are editors but can’t vomit new ideas.  They know right, but can’t do good.  There is some really exciting literature that is spot on with the grammar.  It feels like you are crawling through a soft tunnel and then dropped into a cold pond… your heart beats and you are alive in the text.

I went to poetry readings and heard just words.. and the beat… as in beat generation.   I had too much family and Catholic school and white skin to belong… but  I could understand and enjoy the words floating about punctuated with expletives.  It made my heart beat.   I started to keep a little book of thoughts and phases that just came to me…   I strung some together and wrote poetry and trained myself with haiku. 

I am grateful for the 10 days of feeling lost.  I just don’t want to be safe and with annoying people.  Shoppers.. tourist, mindless, moving from one day to the next.   If I had a million dollars, I would not say in a $200 a night bed.

I don’t know how much time I have, but I will live and write and dream every day.. and hopefully swim a little also.

10 day vacation or 10 days of lost in space

I like drifting.  My Asia time is my time to float and let the wind blow me to here or there.  I like checking out new places and watching life unfold on the back soi.   In the past ten days, I have taken several rides in the country with and without a passenger and continued to swim three days a week. However, there has been a shift.  I have slid into being a caretaker and trying to be helpful.  I am not sure anyone wants the help, but I have been out there offering to do things that I think would make the trip for others more attractive. The result has been, a taste of home.  I feel the fragmentation of my life and the shift outward is not where I had hoped to be.
Today was balance day.  Except for a few hours of dinner, I did what I wanted to do and enjoyed my company.   I am happy when I am on a trip to no place or every place or someplace.

my poor Buddha says... "you think you got troubles!!!!!!"

I want to remind you ... I am a Florida dog... I am not taking off the sweater and not going out!!!

My treadmill running has been to take me away from the reality of my swimming. 

Last Friday I came very close to tossing in the goggles.  I was back to head in the water, pulling one arm back and gliding.   I have no idea what slippery means or a wall of water.  I can't keep it straight as to when I to the foot flick and which foot I should be using.  

Fred and I came very close to a trial separation in our "marriage".  He feels that I don't listen and in my desire to get ahead, I do things that are not being requested.  When I am in the water, my gliding hand moves involuntarily and I do the flutter kick rather than the flick.  I have had all I can to do to keep going.

Everyone has advise.   It is easier with flippers.  Just swim with your head out of the water.  All of a sudden, you will just start to swim.   I have six more lessons. If I am not swimming across the pool by the end of February... I will toss the suit and have that as an add on to the long list of things I am not good at doing.   We swam Sunday.   I did better.  I could feel slippery.   Today I had the day to me.  I felt my confidence coming back... and more, I got in touch with what and who makes me happy.
I am grateful for the past few weeks since the tailspin has reminded me that I have a very sensitive balance system in my life.   A month from today I will be back home, and it is time for me to get my resolve to live my life on solid ground.

This came to my attention this morning.  I have always thought a friend was someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.  That is still true, but I think this Jim Morrison saying is more of a daily thing.  I mumbled on in The Test blog about how heavy I felt after a dinner of analysing, criticizing, and eventually feeling bad about myself that I had engaged in a gossip process and about another who "needs" fixing.   My practice emphasis is to be non-judgemental. I can see that it is easy to get sucked in, and I don't like that.  I see a shift in my need to fix things and make them right. Who put me in charge?   I am going to write about my swimming experience, but there is a thread of practice in the Zen of swimming.  To reach my goal, to swim with easy and enjoyment, there are a few things that must become a habit and to which I must have a pattern of behavior.  When my head is not straight and face down... I go in a circle, and my legs are wrong.   Same Same for life.

It was heartening to hear from someone else at the dinner table that the one person that lead the analysis is not easily relaxed and is always in questioning mode.   I have also had to look at my practice.   I want to firm up the rituals that support my practice.   And this is the dawning of another new day...think will though let it pass uselessly away.    

The Test

When you are in a cocoon, you think, I can live in the real world just as well.  In the cocoon, you have positive people that you have selected because of their energy and similar high-level goals.  Conversations that are reflective, enjoyable, and inspiring, a diet that is healthy and supportive, and sleep following "happy" or non-unhappy day that provides rejuvenation.  You feel splendid and people comment that you look good.  

My cocoon has been invaded by people from my past, home.  For the first time in 90 days and am getting "constructive," unwanted advice from people on another path who have opinions and suggestions about what I should be doing and how doing it for both myself and with others.   "This is what you or she/he needs to do."  I am very grateful for the invasion for it helped me get solid about all the things don't want in my life and all the ways I don't want to approach life. Judgement, which often translates to gossip is definitely on the top of the list.
Some people resonate with your life and those that don't.  I am not looking to defend my flaws or have someone else scrub or pick at them.  There are some things that I want to change, and as I become more mindful, they might alter or disappear.
 At this moment, I want to go back to the cocoon and bask in the light of people who are focused on self-development but not at the expense of everyone around.   I so enjoy people who have humor about the process and life and look forward to the new day without dragging a suitcase of clouds from the very distant past.

I don't think there is a child born who doesn't think that they did not get on the line for the "right" childhood.  We traveled, there was no home.   Many people have said... wow, that would have been exciting.  To this little kid with limited power, at the time, it was very scary.   I say wow you had siblings and a Mom and Dad at the dinner table... and they say... we fought all the time, and it was boring.   So, what is the answer to all of this.  We all come from different experiences and even perceptions of the same experience as a twin who sees it differently.  All pieces of the personal puzzle.

For today....I will shift back to selective cocoon inmates and maintain my integrity while being social and polite to the outside world.   I don't want the mean spirited and fixers in my inner space or at least not practicing their way in my life.
Many of the fixers don't think there is much wrong with themselves....  shit only smells a little and is sweet because they have evolved.  That is the first sign of a long long road of work ahead.

Having spent some retreat time with some very evolved folks... they never offer judgement, unwanted suggestions but merely say... they also are just a pilgrim on a path... and good speed to you.   Even if you ask...they respond to a question with a question  to make you think and provide your own response.

Time for some life course correction and a little sweeping of the inner shelter.

It was a long night... but I am out of bed, back on my feet and moving forward on my path