Secretary of State

You can call me madam secretary if you like for I am becoming the secretary of my state. I can appreciate the Middle East conflict since I feel I am always in a battle between my emotional child and my rational intellect. The secret in being a great secretary is to recognize that you cannot continue to push square pegs into the round hole, unless you change the shape of one... bigger hole, smaller pegs. While that often is compromise and not a bad thing, it is only ok when neither the peg nor the hole has become so distorted they have lost themselves. I find I jump from trying to please by giving back what is expected or wanted, trying to look the other way when I feel rudderless in someone else’s boat, or being angry about years of scenes of injustice in my historical eyes. We all come with a box of preexisting categories which we try to put most of the things/people/experience in our life into. I thrive on my energy, much of which has been fueled by my passion for a cause and not by any refueling emotional station where you could go for refuge. My mother’s lap was really only there after I had been ill on the bathroom floor for hours or days. The people in my life rarely have recognized that I also have a need for tenderness and occasionally a little slack. I have disappointed more times than I have been disappointed. At one point in recent weeks I felt to have “world peace” in my soul, I had to give up ego, tone down some of the color – not so.
When you have a glimpse of being a steady and unobstructed presence in your own life, it is really not the difficult. Acceptance of myself and be present in my own life really changes your heart beat. Stepping out of life to experience the quiet calm of mediation, stops the busy-ness and distraction, We are all fragile and vulnerable and often live in fantasy and fear. But every once in awhile you find you are walking your path of the ordinary life – with your ego, your fears and the richness of the landscape of the everyday...and the beat goes on.