My next Best Year Yet

"Grasp opportune conditions when they come,

create them when there are none,

and until conditions ripen,

never force a thing to be done".

              Zen Master Sheng Yen

This is the time of the year that I do my annual review of the past year and set my intent on having the Best Year Yet for the next year.  I think when I hit mid-point, which statistically for most is around mid-40; I began to watch my actions a little closer.  Now I did not change much for several more year - still chasing the great ah…..of physical contact with another and giving great meaning to living one moment at a time without much thought of what it was doing to me, my body or my spirit and surely any one or thing that was involved.

I was finding I was “suffering” with morning after “what did I do last night” and at the same time thinking “is this all there is …..”. I found myself in the middle of a party with people I really didn’t know and did not want to know having a “great time”. There was noise, I didn’t have to think too much, I wasn’t alone, people told me I was interesting and if they wanted more of my body, I was attractive.  It was all emotional cotton candy or like going to a cheap buffet, you overeat and then wonder who is dancing in your digestion system screaming you ate the whole thing.  

Sometimes when asked, do you remember where you were when…. I cringe for I might have been in the midst of a steaming three way high with only one eye on the one step for man one step for mankind.  What changed… I started to do an inventory of my life and actions after someone accused me of being abusive "player"   To some degree, I was. I used or objectified people to help me numb my emptiness.  I was gifted with the kind of personality that could easily engage people and get them close.  This was a great attribute. I made a living with it as a therapist but I also used or abused it.  I would walk into a room and set my sights on what I thought would make me happy and went after it.  And more times than not, I succeeded and I was happy for a little but then hungry again. 

In dealing with my obsessions I discovered the middle way and began to understand opportune conditions in a new manner. I like myself much more and find great joy in almost everything.  Things come easier and yet much closer to the essence of life rather than the surface skating.  I see things that once were just a blur and now have meaning. I can be happy alone in the room.  I am cautious and selective in my relationships to people, places, causes, and things. When I invite someone into my life, it is a meaningful commitment.    While quiet is my best friend, joyful noise is also my friend, but too much noise hurts my ear/soul. The key is to grasp, create, and wait for the opportunity to know yourself and to thy own self be true.